smart or escapism?

[Smusher]

Sometimes I conclude, after much consideration, the possiblity that it is perhaps better to have someone in the wings, waiting for you when a love relationship fails. I conclude this because the pain I have felt while recovering the "righteous" and "noble" way is just not worth it.

It affects an otherwise contented and substantive life

It gives an excuse to the thought of not enjoying everyday at least for a while and for some people, years or even a lifetime. When I am old and grey Im gonna be real disappointed that i wasted so much time being unhappy about some person(s) failure or my own or both.

 

Sometimes I cant blame anyone for going directly to someone. Especially when they have so much love to give, they may as well be giving it to someone if thats what helps them enjoy there days and be productive.

Its easy for me to be mad and say "oh she went to some guy right away, she obviously is to weak to be alone." Well who enjoys being alone and crying over somthin they cant have? notme. I hate it.

The workin out, goin out with friends , and all the crap that ya do to get over someone and to better yourself and fill up your days is something I did before the break ups so how does that help me/you?

 

Those things might help my brain and my body but they dont release the drugs that keep my heart healed. Only a special someone can do that.

just some thougths, venting in a way, and forgiving.

[DBL]

My old shrink used to say "Don't put all your eggs in one basket, if you drop that basket you will lose all your eggs". That is a great saying when your just dating, but if you are working on a lasting relationship you probably should not be expecting to be dumped and having a back up waiting.

 

DBL

[sonjam]

true, DBL,

 

but always look at the other side of the coin, you would not want to be that person "waiting in the wings" and having hopes in your heart, that the person you fall in love wwill stay with you, even when the Ex becons them to come back.

 

Don't treat other people like they are just here to serve you, put yourself in the same situtation. I know we don't always get a fair deal, but chances are we will get one in the end, if we continue to give ourselves truthfully, and with respect to everyone's feelings.

[sweetharmony]

Yeah, it might feel great and all to have someone waiting for you- the rebound relationship to "halt" the pain process for a little while. that's exactly what I did= for 4 months. then, it hit me. I was numbing my pain with someone else- b/c this was giving me a false high. Well, i ended up hurting the new person (pretty bad) and myself in the long run. once i realized what i had done, i had not healed myself- just halted the growth process, i was a mess- 4 months later, i broke down. not everyone's the smae as me, but that's what happened-so it doesn't always solve the problem- and you end up using someone else and hurting them- which isn't nice- you just begin a cycle.

[DBL]

I had these two friends that were dating. They were on and off for a few years. Of course I introduced them, big mistake! Anyway their last shot at a relationship...they were getting ready to move in and stuff, then out of no where my friend F, the guy, breaks up with the girl. Of course I was a bit aggitated on how this went down, but when I asked him what was going on, he said she had somebody waiting on the side if they did not work out, why would he want to persue a relationship where the other person has somebody waiting on the side? Just not the way a relationship should be. Sure enough a few days later she was dating the guy that was "just a friend". She knew this other guy liked her so she just remained friends with him just in case her and my other friend broke up. He made a smart decision.

 

DBL

[sweetharmony]

so, in actuality, this "guy on the side" caused the break-up. had this person not been in the picture, the relationship might have worked. I think having such a person makes no sense. it doesn't allow you to focus on the current relationship. b/c you have back-up, you don't focus so much of your attention on your current b/f or g/f and it inevitably causes the destruction of the current relationship. i don't see any good to it at all. except for selfish reasons- it's just self-sabatoging in the end- bc/ really- the new relationship is going to end at some point too- so waht do you need to find another person to "wait in the wings" while your dating the new person? will you always be looking for someone new? just in case? yeah, it suppresses emotions for a time, but eventually, it builds up inside, waiting to come out. it's a never-ending cycle.

[DBL]

I agree with harmoney.

 

A relationship is like gambling...some people spread out their bets to cover their losses, while others place everything they got on something they believe in and are willing to risk it all.

 

DBL

[Mun]

Anytime you are keeping someone on the side for "just in case" you are not fully committed to the relationship and you are cheating yourself. How will you ever establish a bond with this one and find out if this person is the one for you when all along you are thinking : I can go somewhere else if this one does not work out.

 

I feel that taking care of one relationship at a time is the better deal for everyone involved.

[Smusher]

What you guys say is right on. I didnt necesarily mean to have the person there from the start, i know i said waiting in the wings, i guess that wasnt right to say because i meant when the a person go to someone immediately or very quickly after a break up. I know what you guys are saying and of course i would always tow that line but you also know that it is so hard to recover sometimes, and you feel like you couldnt see anyone from scratch before the requisite healing and growth takes course because your thoughts are tied up. I know that with my last relationship I waited a good long while before I even thought about pursuing someone again because the one before it took an awful lot out of me. I cant say that I was totally over the original person, or can I? I took the next one slow and because of that it all blew up in my face basically and now im not getting over the latest one very quickly however I am totally over the one before it and I NEVER thought i would be.

I guess im wondering how you know youve grown? Do you say, "ok Im ready" to yourself? I guess thats what I say to myself but then i get into another relationship, want to take it easy until I say to myself whilst in the relationship "ok Im ready" ya know? to give it my all and spill. If in the mean time that person has spilled and spilled and I havnt reached that point yet, they feel rejected and start falling out and I cant help it, meanwhile my anticipation and excitment have grown cuz Im ready to spill, but then its too late and I fall back into a deep hole.

thx guys

[Mun]

I know I am ready when I get excited about a new guy... before this I am just healing and getting over the last relationship/no getting excited about anyone .

[Strandysmommy]

I made the mistake of putting my profile up on a local singles website, a personal's page, that is. I was getting 5-8 inquiries a day, and many sounded like winners. But then I realized as I was communicating (e-mailing) one sweet guy, that much acid hurt was spilling from my fingers as I typed, and the hurt was just poison. He detected it and asked me if I was sure I was ready to be out there again. I realized that obviously, having it only been a month, and the relationship being a year , that heck no I was not ready yet. Doing that...I mean having someone waiting in the wings is cruel to the person waiting. I mean how would you like to be known as "Plan B"? Yuck, I'd be really hurt and offended. Luckily I could be honest with this guy, and he understood, and said that I could feel free to contact him again down the line when I have had time to greive. I have since hidden my profile, because it's not fair at all to the people asking about me. Sure, it made me feel really good, you know; "hey I took this goofy picture of myself on my camera phone and apparently I look nice enough to pique interests." At least I carry that with me.