URGENT - Need help DESPERATELY

[MissMandaJo]

My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me last night because he wants to be alone. He declared that he has so much hatred for himself that he doesn't want me arond him. He said he has glitches to fix, etc, and begged me to leave him alone and let him go. So we broke up, but I am worried that he is really depressed. I thnk he needs help. He is extremely unstable and has a lot of anger.

What I need help on is, do I attempt to help him because I KNOW he needs it? A teacher overheard my conversation with a friend about it and she said that I need to talk to his mother because he definitely sounds like he needs counseling.

He did not come to school today. I asked his friend what I should do and he's like, "Yeah, he's probably depressed. Give him a few days. Don't call him though."

But if he does something drastic, I have to live the rest of my life knowing I could have helped him and I did nothing because thats what he wanted. Honestly, my instincts tell me to leave him alone. But it worries me that he isn't at school today cause he hardly ever misses. He dumped ME - you thnk i'd be the one so devestated that I couldnt come to school... but here I am.

If he REALLY wanted to push me away, why would he be pushing so hard? He was crying as we were talking all throghout the 2 hrs of our conversation.

 

Should I attempt to help or leave him alone?

[JustBlazeBabe]

k god, first of all you guys went out for 7 months, meaning you guys were together for over half a year, meaning for over half a year you were most likely the most important person in his life. So he probably needs your most out of anyone. He loves you obviously, and its hard for anyone to deal with a break up, even if they were the one to end it. But anyways, so yeah, he may be depressed, and he may seem like hes pushing you away, but its a cry for help. Trust me on this, i went through a really bad time to and went to end things with my boyfriend, and i truly thought i meant it. But he stuck by me and didnt give up and in the end showed me that i needed his. Put yourslef out there, be there for him, even though you guys arent together, he needs your help. Show him you arent going anywhere, and that you are okay wtih being broken up, but you want to help him in anyway. Do something drastic too to show you mean it. Don't be annoyingly like calling him all the time and stuff though because he probably wants some space right now. But like randomly show up at his house, just to give him a hug and see how hes doing, txt him saying "if you need anything, let me be the first one you call". i duno you know the guy, think up cute little ways to show him you care. When someone is depressed the first thing they need is someone who cares about them, its the worst feeling to feel alone. So just be sure to show him you are there, and if things seem really bad and hes still missing school or whatever, definatly talk to him mom or soemone.

[cassiana]

You mention that you are afraid he might do something drastic and that you would feel awful about it. Let me make this clear. There is nothing you or anybody else can do to stop someone else from doing somethng drastic. If, God forbid, it happens it has nothing to do with you.

Secondly if he has severe problems he needs help and when he is ready he might benefit from your friendship.

BUT

You need to think about you. Step back for a moment. I have a great deal of experience dealing with people suffering from depression. They do not make good boyfriends or girlfriends. They can be selfish and manipulative and if you should ever need support they are gone in a flash. Be his friend but go out, have some ME time and when you are ready get yourself a nice well-rounded boyfriend.

I know you think this is harsh but I have been where you are and this is what I have learned from experience. He dumped you, yet hes only worrying about himself and not how you are doing. That's very selfish. You are too nice for him. Get someone who will appreciate your kindness.

[sayer7]

If you're talking about suicidal "drastic," then yes, you need to talk to his mother so that someone can watch over him. You might just want to tell her that you guys broke up and that you're worried about him because he's been acting depressed and suggest she should keep a little closer watch to make sure he's doing ok. Don't be all dramatic or anything, just say you're worried about him and you think she should keep her eyes and ears open if he ever came to her to talk about anything or seemed to be acting depressed at home. If she doesn't take you seriously, then that's HER perogative... but at least you DID something to try to help him if he doesn't take your help directly.

 

Probably best not to be too confrontational with him too as this might push him further into depression. If you do see him, you could always just mention you're always open to listening or talking to him... sometimes we just need to vent and know someone is sincerely listening and willing to give their input. Like this site for instance!

 

As for the dumping... yes, you were the one that was dumped, but he clearly said he was dumping you because HE felt completely inadequate, and worthy of hatred, and probably in his mind he was saving you from him. His mentality was "I'll reject you before you reject me because I know I'm not worthy of anything or anybody." That kind of self-rejection can be even more devastating than the rejection the dumped feels.

 

Keep this in mind and try to be understanding.

[arwen]

I don't agree. Leave him alone for a while. He has clearly indicated so, don't take it too personal. I have been depressed for more than 2 years, a long while ago. I did the other thing: instead of pushing him away, I became very very clingy and needy. The result: I pushed him away. Men work different than women. Women have a problem: they go to their friends, they talk and vent, they get it out of their system. Women need someone that listens to them.

 

Men tend to pull back when they have emotional problems or stress. That is a lot of men do this. They first want to be by themselves and figure this out.

 

He broke up with you for I guess the following reasons:

1. the above, he needs space to figure this out

2. you are the most important person in his life but he is not able to be there for you, he feels unworthy of the relationship

3. because of this, he doesn't want to hurt you

4. worrying about the relationship takes space in his mind that he needs for other things right now.

 

I understand that this hurts. It will for a while. If you want to be there for him, I would follow the last advice of JustBlaze, though not by texting. Write him a postcard, don't express how you hurt, but simply say 'I understand your need for space. If you need to talk or anything, know I am there for you.'

 

By breaking up he tried to do you a favor, I am sure that he loves you. Love is difficult to understand most of the time, but give it some time to grow. And for yourself to heal. Go out with your friends and focus on school.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse

[MissMandaJo]

I don't think the reason he broke up with me is selfish. He broke up with me because he doesn't want to mentally/emotionally break me down with his problems. Although I do admit its hard to handle them sometimes, I want to be available to him. He told me he doesn't want to hurt me and he loves me, but he wants to be alone. Thats fair enough to ask, and maybe he just needs space. But its hard to just "leave him alone" when I don't think thats REALLY what he wants. He was crying throughout almost the entire conversation (2 hrs). I just don't know what to make of that.

[MissMandaJo]

Ilse -

Exactly what he told me was to "stop clinging and let me go, I need to fix this glitch of mine." And what else I cant figure out is, is this a permanent break up or does he really just need time alone?

[cassiana]

Miss Mandajo do you see what you are doing. He told you two sets of things and you have chosen to believe the half that suited you and not believe the half that didn't suit you.

He said he loves you and doesnt want to hurt you with his problems.

You chose to believe that.

He said he wanted to be left alone.

You chose not to believe that.

 

By believing only half of what he says you are also implying that he is capable of lying to you.

[MissMandaJo]

No, I don't think he's lying. He's stubborn. VERY stubborn. He won't admit it when he needs help on ANYTHING, even something extremely minor.

[arwen]

I don't know, Manda, I wish I could assure you it's temporarily. He obviously wants at least for NOW no relationship. So, if you don't want to ruin any chance of getting back together, leave him alone... He may seem stubborn to you, but actually he solves his problem in a typical male way. He does not want help, and surely offering it is only going to drive him further away than he already is.

 

Good luck,

 

Ilse.

[JustBlazeBabe]

If he is around our age he proabably doesnt even fully understand himself yet, let alone how to deal with feeling so low right now, hes lost and needs your help. help him, dont annoy him though, still take in to account he does need some alone time.

[cassiana]

You say he won't admit when he needs help even when its something minor yet he told you he is full of self-hate. Thats a major problem he has admitted to don't you think?

Then to compound it he is missing from school the next day. A stubborn person would drag themselves there. I'm a stubborn person and that's what I would do. If a stubborn wanted to cover up what was wrong with them, you would have no idea.

He's not a stubborn person. He is a depressed person.

 

You care for him and you are making excuses for him. I totally understand that. I have done the same thing. But depression has a pattern and no matter how much you care and make excuses for them, they will follow that pattern. I just want you to stop and think about you. How do you think your relationship with him will play out? How will that affect you?

[IsiahsCowgirl]

Mandy... I have recently gone through this with Isiah (without the break up) he pushed me away... want "TIME"....now you know some of the things that hinder him and I's relationship, since I've discussed much of it with you.. between baby Jasmine and her mother... etc... He got over whelmed with that... and with work and family problems... he didnt speak to me or message me for over 2 weeks... I would leave him a little online message every other day or so, just to say "I'm here for you when you need to talk" or "Hey if you need a friend, let me know" eventually he came around.... now thats not to say I didnt worry about him.. I kept tabs on him through friends, and I called his brothers to make sure he was okay (you know he lives about 2 hrs from me)....

 

When he did call me, I was just as neutral as I had been in my online messaging.. I was just there to listen... I didnt express my feelings until he asked me... then I did tell him... that the way he'd handled the situation had hurt, and had scared me, but that I understood that he needed time to think....

 

Dont push him Mandy... but let him know you are there if he ever needs you..

 

I'll keep you both in my prayers.... Hang tough girl, I know you can!

 

Love Ya.

SC

[OceanEyes]

I've done a bit of reading, and if your boyfriend is 17, then I think this is probably an issue that his parents need to become involved in. If he is saying that he is "full of self-hate" and is obviously very depressed, missing school, etc., then his parents should be noticing something and try to step in. However, some parents don't know how to deal with such things.

 

The fact that he is admitting that he is depressed is a step forward. He has told you that he needs to "fix a glitch", but I doubt very highly that this young man will be able to do this on his own. If he is as full of "self-hate" as he says he is, than there are obviously some very deep issues and intense feelings inside of him that he needs to bring out into the open. His road to recovery will be difficult, but the sooner he gets some help, the better.

 

I understand your hurt and frustration Manda. The best way for you to deal with this situation is to let him know that you will love and support him no matter what, and that you don't think any less of him. He does love you, but right now, he can't face those responsibilities because he is full of pain and chaos inside. I know he's telling you to leave him alone basically, but I seriously doubt that he really means that. His telling you that he is "full of self-hate" is a cry for help.

 

Does his mother know the extent of his depression? Have you ever spoken to her about it?

[MissMandaJo]

No, I haven't told his mother. He would be SO ANGRY with me if I did.

I called him to see if he was ok cause he didn't come to school... this is how our conversation pretty much went.

Me: Hi

Him: Hey

Me: Um Im just calling to check in cause you wern't in school today. Are you alright?

Him: Yeah Im fine

Me: Oh ok. You usually just don't miss like that. [tells what he missed in 2 classes]

Him: Well thank you for calling, thats considerate of you.

Me: I try to be.

*Pause*

Me: Well I'll let you go

Him: Alright, bye.

 

It seems liek he wants nothing to do with me.

[cassiana]

He wants nothing to do with you......at the moment.

Back off and let him come back to you. Be receptive but let him come back otherwise you will push him away.