Cheating Fiance

[NeoTek]

Hi,

 

Well let me start off by saying that I have been dating my fiancé for 5 years. We have been engaged for 1 and ½ years and have a 3 year old son. We are both 20 years old. My fiancé stays home all day with my son while I go to work. She does not work. We both go to school full time. With that out of the way, here is my problem.

 

My fiancé and I are opposites in many ways. I do not have any friends, nor feel the need to have any. She, on the other hand, wants/needs friends and has a very flirty personality. The fall semester for school started and she told me she made a couple new friends. I thought nothing of it at the time. She began talking constantly about a certain friend. I once again was not suspicious of anything as she has had many friends before. Then she started staying up till 3AM talking to this friend, and paying less and less attention to me.

 

She had been going through a hard time (her dad was diagnosed with leukemia) and I just though she could talk with him (because she said his dad went through the same thing). She also told me he was gay (so I had no problem with any thoughts of her cheating on me). This went on a couple weeks and I became lonely and suspicious. I decided to put a key logging program on her computer (it keeps a log of all instant message conversations). I found her saying some sexual things to him, like "I can see myself making love to you and not regretting it", and "Think of how it feel when our bodies are together when we hug".

 

Then one day I found that in one of her conversations she said she was going to skip class to spend time at his dorm. I still somehow couldn't believe this was happening and needed to see it with my own eyes. I went to his dorm and saw they were there (just sitting on the bed talking). I told her I couldn't believe she was doing this and that I wanted to leave. I ran out into the parking lot and she followed me. She told me that everything was just lies and they never talked about that sort of thing in person.

 

She also said everything was just for attention. She claimed I had not been giving her enough attention for the past 2 years. I couldn't believe that because I thought I was. We talked until the wee hours of the morning and resolved some things. I told her I wanted to work things out because I love her. I asked her to never see her friend again. She told me she couldn't because she truly did want just a friendship and it seemed to progress to something more (even though she said she knew nothing would ever happen sexually and it never did).

 

I reluctantly agreed with everything because I wanted to work everything out. Through the past weeks I felt like two different people. At times I wanted to support her and trust her, on the other I felt hurt and wanted her to never see this guy again. Believe it or not, the three of us actually went out and talked. They both know 100% that nothing will ever happen between my fiancé and her friend, but the friend has told me that he loves her and understand that she wants to be with me and will hide his feelings for her.

 

I though everything would work out with them being just friends (even though he wanted more than that). I told my fiancé I took the key logging program off her computer, although I didn't. In the past week they haven't said anything extremely sexual like before, but they have said things. He says things more so than my fiancé. For example he was telling her how he got an erection every time they hug. She says things like she loves his eyes and other things she likes/dislikes about him. Personally I don't think this is something friends talk about.

 

I want to wait until Saturday to make any decision as to leaving her. I have never needed this before, but now I need a friend to talk to. I do not have any thereforeeee I went to this forum for some support/ideas. Thank you all for your time and understanding.

 

NeoTek

[boonpop]

Let me give you some advice on this one. Now every situation is not the same mind you, but if you asked me, I would give it some time off and see what happens. You can't ask her to just not see this guy any more. Believe me, that won't work. That's like introducing a little kid to Bubble Yum Bubble Gum and telling him he better not think about the sweet yummy goodness ever again. The situation wasn't your fault to begin with. I know she said that you weren't paying her any attention, but that's just something she has made up in her mind to justify her thoughts for him. If you stay there, you are asking to be hurt when you least expect it. So what I'd do is call it off for a while and distance yourself to see what happens. If you do that one major thing will take place. She will follow her heart. If she comes running back to you and volunteering never to see or talk to this guy again, then you'll have helped her come to her senses without saying a word. On the other hand, if she runs to him.....well I think that is self explanatory, but you still have to let her decide for herself. You can't force the issue and if it weren't for the fact that I hear she's in a vulnerable state dealing with her father, I'd tell you to head for the hills.

[NeoTek]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your advice. It seems all I really needed was a confirmation of what I thought I should do. It's not as easy as you say to "head for the hills". If it wasn't for my 3 year old son I would have done that right away. As I said before if anyone else has some good advice to give, I'd be glad to hear it, otherwise I plan on thinking about this until Saturday and then I'll make a decision on what to do. Thanks again, boonpop, I appreciate your time and understanding.

 

NeoTek

[ConfusedAboutHer]

WELL!

 

This behavior sounds way too familiar to me. I am going through a very similar thing including logging instant message conversations. I understand how you feel right now. You feel betrayed, hurt, and perhaps even used. These feelings have HORRIBLE effects on our actions and our everyday lives. They consume our minds and prevent us from focusing on everything else that is important to us.

 

You really need to start answering some of the questions in your heart. She can tell you anything you want to hear but you have to remember that actions speak louder than words. Let her behavior speak for itself.

 

When you confronted her about this other guy did she lie to you about what was said in the message logs? Does she know exactly how hurt you are and how you feel? Does she show any remorse for her actions involving this other guy? Has she been doing everything she can ( I mean giving 110% ) to make this relationship better than it was? Do you believe she is being truthful with you and HERSELF about wanting to make your relationship work? IF you were to leave, what would her reaction be? Would she be able to become completely independent and self relient?

 

You need to let her know that she has crossed the boundary line with this guy. You need to ask her what is important to her; you, or the "gay" buddy with the erection for your woman. If she claims that you are the center of her world than you can demand that she never speak to him again. If she cares enough about your relationship she will respect your feelings involving this other guy and will drop all contact with him. The only reason she is continuing to see/talk with him is because you haven't put the fear of abondonment in her head yet.

 

If you do leave the best thing you can do is have no contact with her unless it involves your child. Also, the less you are available the more attractive you will become to her. Women want what they "can't" have. If she feels she "can't" have you then she will want you again. Also, by distancing yourself from her, she may realize the reasons she accepted your marraige proposal in the first place.

 

I wish you all the best with this situation and please keep us up to date.

 

-ConfusedAboutHer

[Cecelius]

Dump her. She's premeditating on having sex with another guy, lying about it to your face AND telling you its your fault because you weren't paying enough attention?

 

She may be a fine person, but she's got no morals and no class.