I'm ready to be friends, now what?

[AmikeA]

Maybe some people remember my previous posts... It doesn't much matter though, its a typical situation. We broke up but still cared for each other and agreed to be friends. I soon realised that was a mistake, well so soon after anyhow. I explained all this too her and went NC until now.

 

While I still have feelings for her, they have changed. In the last couple months I have become myself again. I have been going out again, meeting girls and having goodtimes again. I regained my confidence and am really feeling good overall. I really feel that I have healed and feel great about that.

 

So today I messaged her and told her I am ready to be friends if she still wants too. She is supposed to call me this week so we can talk about stuff. Herein lies my problem, for the first time ever I don't know waht too say to this girl. When I first met her we connected because we had such great conversations, now I don't know what to say. I treally want this friendship thing too work out, so I am afraid I may say the wrong thing and drive her farther away. I know nobody can tell me what to say, your not me and don't know me, what i'm looking for are things I should steer clear of. Female responces would be best, you have all been in this position at some point and know some uncomfortalbe things guys have said

[Daisy20]

Don't tell her you miss her because even though that may be true she will think you are trying to get back with her! That is one mistake my ex made when we tried to be friends, he always told me he missed me and it drove me nuts!

 

Try not to talk about the girls you are dating unless she brings it up and then just downplay it. Otherwise, she may think you are trying to make her jealous.

 

These are just a few that popped into my head about things I have experienced in the past! Good luck!

[AmikeA]

hmm..

 

I have been thinking about this alot and I want to tell her that I miss talking too her, which I do. But after your post im not so sure if it would be a good idea. But then again its not like im telling her I miss her, just that I miss being able to talk too her, after all its hard to talk to guys about some stuff and all my female friends are away at university etc...

 

Yea I definally don't want to make her jealous or anthing, I haven't even really dated anyone so thats not a problem Not that I havent been out meeting people, im just not looking for another relationship right now.

 

OK so far.. steer clear of feelings and jealosy, anyhting else?

[raccoon]

This is just a thought...

 

But I think that e-mail is the best invention for this sort of thing. It's completely unintrusive. You'll never catch her at a bad time, as she will be checking her e-mail only when she wants to. You can spend as much time as you like writing it and rereading it to make sure you don't say the wrong thing. And who doesn't like to get a nice little message from a friend when you're bored at work?

 

I think the key thing to remember is that you will be building a NEW friendship based on NEW experiences. When you speak to her, do your best to not talk about things that you two did when you were dating. Instead, talk about the things you've been doing recently. Ask about what she's been up to lately. And like any budding friendship, you'll eventually find your own inside jokes.

 

Just dont' bring up anything that's hard to talk about. Nothing emotional. Just fun banter. That's how any solid friendship starts out.

 

Good luck.

[AmikeA]

I find email way too weird, I dunno it seems so impersonal too me.

 

But I do like your other suggestions, not bringing up the relationship is a great idea, I think at first anyhow. I can't ignore the fact that I was in love with this girl at one point and we did have a great relationship, but bringing up stuff from it too soon into our friendship would most likely sabotage any chance we may have in having a real friendship.

[densil]

Its great that you feel that you are ready to be friends wth her again. And i "think" thats what I want to happen with my ex. However, just a word of warning. I could imagine that you could both hit it off again but I am slightly worried that that might remind you of how things used to be when you were together. Just be careful that the past isn't dredged up. For example, hearing her laugh etc in the way she used to laugh when you were going out will probably be great for the duration of the phonecall but I imagine it may make you feel pretty sick afterwards.

 

I dunno, maybe as you say, you are fully healed - in which case please ignore all of the above!

 

Regards,

 

Steve

[Leslii]

I would not meet her person. You don't ready to be friends. I think you still do miss her that is why you thought the e-mail idea was to impersonal. You don't need to be personal yet, if ever. Seeing her may

bring up feelings you are trying to deal with so you can move on. It sounds like you are making progress by dating others, but this may set you back.

Why do people feel the need to be friends with there ex? You really don't need to be.

I know you asked for advice on what to talk about when you meet but if you are truly over her, the coversation will come naturally.

[jjhung]

I have never been friends with an ex- unless he is married and even then he still has feelings for me after 20 years!! The point is while it is possible to be friends, it is probably too soon for both of you. From a girls point of view, if she is still interested she will pretend to be friends but secretly hope that it will work out. If she doesn't want to get back together, she will probably turn you down. It is very painful to have shared so much with someone and then they are no longer that special person in your life. Trying to be just friends is very painful for either of you if one of you find someone else. In any case, you are better off steering clear for a long while.

 

I have been on the other side of the fence. My bf thought he wanted to stay friends even though his ex- kept saying she wanted to get back together. Guess what, they met and second dinner they ended up having sex and got into a love triangle thing that put me in pain for 3 months. He went back and forth few times, both girls ended up breaking up with him then he picked her and later I told him I wanted to give it a shot and he realized he made a mistake and broke up with her and we got back together. But the relationship and trust has been broken and things will never be the same. It will take a long time to heal.

 

You just broke up for not too long, you still need time to grief and mourne your relationship. You may think you are okay now, but she may not be and you may not be either. You guys always want the let's be friends thing to work but realize that women and men are made differently and women don't compartmentalize their feelings as easily as men. If you care about her, just leave her alone so that she can move on with her life.

[AmikeA]

Interesting reply yet now i am even more confused. When we first broke up I told her it wouldn't be a good idea for us to be friends because it would be very hard on me. She got VERY upset when I said this. I thought about it much and called her about a week later and told her I would try to be friends but before it could work I needed sopme time away from her too clear my mind. Fast foreward to last week, I told her I think im ready to try the friends thing now and she said "great".

 

Now I am so confused. We broke up because she "wasn't ready for a relationship" she has a whole lot going on in her life and told me she couldn't put the effort into the relationship that it deserved. So with her being so eager to stay/be friends you are saying she wants too keep me in her life in case things can work out in the future? Man I am confused now

[jjhung]

I don't know the details of your relationship but sounds like your ex- initiated the break up instead of a mutual break up from what I understand. The question is do you want her back? Sometimes people don't realize they are jeapardizing a relationship because of fear of getting hurt especially if they suffered in a prior relationshipand haven't healed. I was like that when I first met my bf, didn't want to commit because I felt I wasn't ready to be someone else's gf so soon and also had doubts about his feelings since there is this pix on his desk of him and his ex- at dinner that bothered me but I wasn't upfront discussing what bothered me and stopped me from wanting a deeper relationship. But women unlike men have a hard time controlling their feelings and I fell in love with my bf anyways not really aware of it. It wasn't until he was upset that I didn't want a comittment and accepted my proposal of an open relationship and he started seeing his ex- that I realized what a good thing I had. Anyway, my point is sometimes people are not truthful about their feelings and they really don't know what it is that they want exactly. Or sometimes girls just like to test their relationship to see if the bf is loyal and sincere to her. This is the case with my bf's ex when she initiated the break up when their relationship wasn't going well (they fought a lot) and she just wanted to test him, which by then he was ready to quit after she had done that several times already.

 

I suspect that your ex still loves you but she is afraid of a committment or somehow think that she might end up getting hurt if she let you in. The truth is if you have NO desire to be with her in a relationship, it won't make sense to be friends. I think she will want to be back together when she thinks or feels she is ready and if by then you are not interested it will be devastating to her. So if you care for her I think you shouldn't keep in touch so that she can move on quickly. On the other hand, if you actually think that the relationship can go somewhere and you are willing to work on it, then have a very honest talk to her. It is very unusual for a girl to want to stay in touch w/ an ex- and get upset if he doesn't, unless she is expecting you will eventually get back together. That's what my bf's ex did, even though they broke up they were still "friends" and even had the occasional sex. Well, turned out for him, he claimed that by the time he met me in his mind it was over between them (even though she still stayed overnight at his place once a week) but ironically turned out she was ready to get back together. Men and women think almost completely opposite and honestly women most of the time don't say what they mean and men always take what women say too literally. (I told my bf I will give him the one month break for him to sort out his feelings. He said to himself this is great, it is exactly what he needed to decided if he wants back with his ex or me. What I really meant is that look, I am so nice and accomodating to you so you shouldn't even have to think who is better to you and you should just dump that b!tch and come back to me.)

 

Still the same saying, I don't think exes can be friends except for very very unusal special circumstances.

[gersanos]

It is very unusual for a girl to want to stay in touch w/ an ex- and get upset if he doesn't, unless she is expecting you will eventually get back together.

 

This was exactly my situation, and I recently posted it under "breaking up: should i have been friends?" I believe I did the right thing, but wondered why she was so adamant about keeping in touch. She does not keep in touch with other x'.

[AmikeA]

This is getting very interesting, After we first broke up we talked about the future, she said she believed there was a future and that she just couldn't handle a relationship at the moment etc... I told her I would wait for her, she dismissed this however saying she didn't want me too miss out on anyone else that may come along and that she doesn't know how long it will take for her to be ready. I thought about this and decided that she really didn't think there was future and was afraid to upset me...

 

Your post however makes me rethink this whole situation. While my feelings have changed, I do think its possible to get them back. I now wonder about her intentions.... I certainly can't bring all this up right away, should I wait and see if she does?

[gersanos]

Ya, my situation was a little different in that I rejected friends, wished her well with things, and said you never know what the future holds. Not necessarily that we would get back together, but maybe ge great friends, etc. Who knows. Only time will tell what will happens

 

My situation was all about right person, wrong time. School literally ripped us apart, as well as other outside influences, regardless of the fact that we talked about it beforehand and thought that we were prepared. It was too big of a change in our relationship, and we were both in pain about our relationship when reality hit us in the face. Either way, she decided to break it off and I was not going to hang around and get/stay hurt. Like you said, who knows what her true intentions were. She did say she could not handle a relationship, and all the stress did take a beating on her feelings for me. In my case, it's not another guy or anything serious that either one of us did.

 

I'm laying low for the time being. Let her miss me, and let us both heal. My feelings have changed for her as well, but that's because I havn't seen or spoken with her in a while. I'm sure if we started to talk and hang out again, those feelings would resurface. This seems to always happen, at least with certain X's, and on both our parts. I suggest you really heal, gain some perspective on your faults and her faults, evaluate if this is something you truly want, etc. Then act on it if that's what you want. If you decide not to, then keep the memories and amend your mistakes with the next girl you meet.

 

But I still wonder, if I had stayed friends, what might have happened...

Bah. Who am I kidding. I did what was right for me at the time. Good luck!

[jjhung]

AmikeA, ask yourself what you really really want with this girl before you do anything. One thing a friend helped me do what I needed to do and I found that to be tremendously helpful was to imagine one year from now if someone ask me if I regret what I did or didn't do, I will not have to say I regret it because I honestly gave it my best effort. There is never the right time to do certain things like breaking up or trying to get back together. It all depends on how you both handle the situation and if both your expectations and wants are the same and have mutual understanding. It is all useless if she doesn't really know what she wants and it will just waste your time and energy. Let yourself heal and find out if you will still want to be with her a year from now if she is ready by then. If you don't think so, than don't bother opening her wound, just move on. She may be the one initiating the break up but I'm sure she hurts too. She is probably confused and needed time to find herself. It is not uncommon for people to realize that there is something missing in their life and they can't pinpoint what it is. People get confused all the time even when things are going well. Take me for example, I am back with my bf for 4 months and I still get paranoid and insecured and always think that with the "baggage" from the hurt during that love triangle drama I am going to eventually drive him away so why not just do it now instead of wait for another 6 months. These kind of internal battle goes on all the time in me and the question is do you have faith and are you willing to give it your best to see if it will work. I constantly have to remind myself that I have to learn to communicate my feelings and so he knows when I get upset thinking about the past. Sorry for rambling on but my point is are you willing to give it a chance and if so think carefully first how you want to approach this. If it really mean something to you, you need to strategize. BTW, I do not recommend seeing another girl until you are fully healed and it takes usually at least 6 months. You may feel okay but unless your ex doesn't mean a thing to you, the more someone means to you the longer it will take since you will need to go thru the grieving and mourning and acceptance and letting go stages (all those psychology terms they talk about) blah blah blah. Hanging out with friends can help but dating someone will probably hurt you in the long run and most rebound relationship don't work. OK, I think I talk enough mumble jumbo already. Good luck.

[AmikeA]

Hmmm thinking about this more I think I might still have feelings for her and I am just fooling myself into thinking I don't. I do know that my feeling are not anywhere near as strong as they were however. I really don't know what to do. Perhaps things will be more clear to me after talking to her? Or that might make things worse.

 

Jjhung, yea I have realised love can be both positive and negitive for us. It is by far the strongest emotion we are capable of and can both make us feel happier than we have ever been, or worse than we though possible. And a bad break definatly can mess up your future relationships

[gersanos]

AmikeA-

 

Like jjhung mentioned, ask yourself what it is you want. Do you need her, or is this something you want in your life? Matter of preference? Fill the void of loneliness? etc.

 

An another interesting thing mentioned was about regrets. I know with my X I gave it almost my all. The break-up I could have handled better by not saying certain things, but heck, are break-ups ever really nice? The only thing I considered doing was writing a letter to her - a sincere letter, making amends to her, and asking her to have a talk with me one day since we had a great relationship until school started. I don't think I'm going to do this letter thing because of fear - who knows what she's thinking. But it was suggested to me because regardless of the matter, I'm the guy, and it's always the guy that has to go after her if I really want her in my life. Also, this way I treated her with respect all the way through (apologizing for acting out of emotion when we broke-up), and I can say I gave it my very best and all, regardless of what her reaction would be.

 

It sounds like a great idea, but we do go to school together, so if she thinks I'm a psycho ex by doing this then I have to still see her quite a bit. On the flip side, it was mentioned that if she does think that of me if I sent the letter, then I should be absolutely proud and hold my head up high because I gave it everything I had and I tried.

[AmikeA]

Hmmmm I think I actually may not be ready to be friends yet...

 

When I am out with my friends and I meet girls I find myself measuring them against my ex, is this normal? Its a problem for me because when I dated this girl I wasn happier than I have ever been in a relationship. I still feel like I will have a hard time finding this again, and im suddenly finding myself angry at her again. I thought I was past this.

I want too move on but I can't yet... argh

[fridolyn]

Amikea: Keep on dating and believe me when I say that when you find THE ONE, you 'll not compare her with your "ex". That's it, we compare until we find "real" love.

 

 

***English is my second language***