Confusing Ex, Getting Back Together or Not

[Cope and Hope]

That's tough to say because it varies from person to person. Some people never process the break up to that extent to be honest and that's not something you can do anything about. She's staying busy now so that she doesn't have to dwell on it so your best move is to get out of there so that she possibly can still miss you, dwell on it a little, and reflect on the break up before she's too far into a different lifestyle for it to ever happen. Either way, like before, NC is still your best action to take at this point.

[eastonweston]

That's tough to say because it varies from person to person. Some people never process the break up to that extent to be honest and that's not something you can do anything about. She's staying busy now so that she doesn't have to dwell on it so your best move is to get out of there so that she possibly can still miss you, dwell on it a little, and reflect on the break up before she's too far into a different lifestyle for it to ever happen. Either way, like before, NC is still your best action to take at this point.

 

 

Agreed. I know she's going balls-to-the-wall now because she's "free" from my tyranny! She sees it as an opportunity to finally do all of the things she must have so badly wanted to do but never thought she could do while with me -- probably because I would complain that she wasn't spending enough time with me. Yep, I admitted I became needy and clingy.

 

So now she's wildin' out, scheduling all of these activities and meet ups with friends, going 100 mph. I can only imagine she's going to have to burn out soon, but apparently this is the life she wanted while we were together for five years.

 

She actually said to me once, about a month ago, "i feel like I've gotten 'me' back." Again, ouch.

 

Her best friend mentioned to me around the same time that her fear in getting back with me is that she'll 'lose herself' again.

 

E.

[Chalk]

Hmm, she does seem to be giving confusing signals doesn't she. Maybe she is confused herself. A couple of things I did pick up from your post were:

 

She says "yes, but the one thing I need you to stop doing is fighting with me, and you're still doing it. you haven't changed."

 

And

 

'Yes, typically it seems that females throw out little hints about how they're feeling but guys don't get the hint'

 

I could be wrong but maybe you both felt like you weren't being heard or couldn't compromise with each other?? This could have led to fights and resentment. I think this is one thing I've learnt from my break up.

 

She says you should see a counsellor, that's an idea. Maybe if things did improve she would like to go with you to a session as it takes two to communicate. In my experience, I get angry & controlling because something's not lived up to my expectations: either my expectations are unrealistic or I've not put my point of view accross clearly and I'm not heard. Sometimes both sexes forget we can't mind read.

 

I agree with what others have said about working of yourself and taking time out. Nice swingers post btw. I'll go check it out the movie for my own heartbreak.

 

And to the guy above...Eddard?! I'm more concerned about John Snow

[eastonweston]

Hey Chalk; yes, definitely mixed signals. I completely agree with previous posters that this is false hope, her cushioning her own hurt, being kind, etc., but it's so much harder to comprehend when she's standing there in front of you -- this woman you've spent 5 years of your personal life with -- saying things like "I'm scared, I just can't do this yet" and "I do love you very very much" and leaving me birthday gifts in my apartment with a very emotional and complimentary card. It's so tough to understand what's really behind it, and I'm scared that either move left or right is the wrong 'door.' But again, I do agree with the posters here that NC is the best choice for now.

 

I think you're SPOT on about counseling for the two of us; in fact, I said that to her, and she said "maybe, but we both have individual issues that we need to solve separately first." See? Everything comes back to her making this setup sound temporary. But again, as Sharky and CopeandHope says, the bottom line is that she's stated CLEARLY: "i have no emotional attraction to you, the spark is gone." The supersedes everything else.

 

You and I are the same, I think: the anger comes from frustration which comes from miscommunication, not understanding each others' point-of-view in a disagreement, and having unmet expectations and let-downs. Fully agree. This is where couples counseling would fix things, but she isn't interested in that at this point.

 

Go watch Swingers! Then come back here and tell me what you think. Again, it has nothing to do with sexual 'swingers', it's a reference to a swing jazz club.

 

E.

[eastonweston]

Another thing to add: she has said many times that "people break up all the time and get back together" when I mentioned in the beginning of the breakup that I can't believe it's ending. She emphasized that work needs to be done on me, and that we have to break up for now but i don't know what the future holds.

 

And then of course the positive signs below, from my original post.

 

Does no one really seem to think that these are any positive signs of her playing a game of: "I have to break up with you so that you'll change your bad ways so we can be happier together"? Does everyone think she's "bread crumbing" me and cushioning her own fall?

[markie6]

Well any changes you make, need to be for you ..and you alone. After all , you are the ony person guaranteed to be with you tomorrow , so don't go too drastic thinking if I tick every box on the list I am all set. It would seem to me to be a question that you assume you lost your way... that you changed, when maybe her expectations of what she wanted have changed , not just you.

 

The anger, fighting, arguing... are all bad signs, the healthy disagreements are ok and indeed healthy, but too much and they are like cancer to relationships.

 

So she seems to maintain, that she cannot handle a relationship with you right now... but that doesn't sneakilly mean she ever will. Most people will not risk letting somebody go , to get picked off by somebody else.

 

So, how much do you really need to change ? What does she need to change ? It won't ever just be about you... I hope you realise that. Keeping you at arms length , checking in every once in a while..it seems like you are on probation. Given that analogy... how long do you think your sentence is ..and was it so harsh to be given life ? Never make the assumption, no matter what she insinuates... you are gone unless she changes her mind.

 

Any contact gives you the chance of getting mixed signals and hope, so I wouldn't be insigating any contact , whatsoever. All the time she is saying, don't hope for something, take her at her word. Nobody can tell what they future holds

 

Now , as you want her back .. do you need to change back into the person she was in love with ?, is that possible ? ..or even necessary ? I wouldn't like to point out the obvious but it could be seen that you are done and she is trying to let you down gently... without fuss or more fighting / arguing. I am not a fan of one side trying to be friends , when they tell the other ...not to hope, we are done for now etc

 

Then again, she could be sincere about the person you became... and she wants you to change back but I am hesitant to suggest spending lots of time ( she seems to indicate it would take ages... she won't want to date for 1-2 years ) changing , only to find she has moved on and is with somebody else when you get everythiing back on track.

 

I'd echo the others about her not being able to miss you ... and she needs to be forced to process the relationship , without leaning on you for support. All contact seems to confuse , especially with regard to mixed signals. It's plausible that she doesn't know what she wants either, so anything you change could be wasted time anyway, another plus for making positive changes just for you. I'd be suggesting full on NC.. lots of time apart ( 3-6 months )and if you are going to to work out you need to change to get a chance... don't be wasting too much time doing that.... Far better to accept the breakup is permanent , accept your faults that led to it if they were real reasons ? and if the worst happens , you are prepared for that ..anything else is a bonus.

[unanimous123]

Thanks, unanimous123.

 

You're spot on about keeping things light -- every time we hang out, somehow the conversation comes back to 'us' and I lose my patience, or I get hurt by something she says, and I start to get either (1) angry or (2) mopey and sad. This is where I think NC really comes into play; I shouldn't hang out with her until what she says doesn't affect me so much, otherwise I can never dig out of this hole.

 

Thanks again, unanimous123.

 

You're welcome, man. Talking about your relationship when it is still quite fresh is a bad idea. Let her feel all the anger she feels instead (more often than not, there will be a huge amount of it). Your reaction, I'm sorry to be brutal here, of becoming angry and sad is not helping at all. It only works, in my situation though I'm not saying you should do the same since relationships are somewhat different, if she knows deep inside her that it can still work between you two and it is just her pride getting in the way of totally forgiving you; however, if you have not shown changes, then chances are her pride and anger will overrule whatever love there is left in her for you.

 

Oh, and thanks man, yes, I've been consistent with the changes now. It takes effort and it is so easy to slip back to my somewhat crazy behavior...but I'm trying with all my might not to revert. It also helps if you communicate how you both truly feel, in her terms, ergo, when she's ready. Make her realize your worth and what she would be missing if the chance had not been given...but never ever beg or plead.For your own sake, if you really can't help but talk about the relationship and become angry or sad, it might be best to cut off contact for a while and see things from a logical point of view and see why it couldn't have worked in the first place...that way, you wouldn't be all emotional when you hang out.

[eastonweston]

It would seem to me to be a question that you assume you lost your way... that you changed, when maybe her expectations of what she wanted have changed , not just you.

 

Markie, I was re-reading my original thread on here from 1.5 months ago, and your quote above really hit me. One thing I've started realizing over the 4 months break up is that she really has seemingly changed what she wants, both in life, and in a relationship. This line of yours didn't really hit me then, but it hit me now. I think this is at play.