Foreseeing a doomed relationship? (long, and I'm venting)

[tea]

No, I'm not unhappy with my boyfriend. I haven't heard a word from him for the last 4 days, I'm depressed and hopes he'll have time to send me an e-mail soon, but that doesn't make me too unhappy.

 

 

...I'm depressed about my parents more. I told my parents that bf and I talked about marriage and we would like to get engaged next year, get married sometime soon. They said if that's how I feel then they don't object. My mother also said it's better him than anyone else.

 

... sounds great right? Except my parents play games a lot... nothing is as it seems.

 

Mom has since told me she wants me to move home after I graduate from college in December, that will move me 500 miles away from his family.

 

My father's friends are putting together a movie production company in Taiwan, and he's trying to put me in the company where I will be traveling in Taiwan (maybe) shooting films with the director from Lord of the Rings. Great opportunity right?

 

Except, bf is a very busy person and next year we can only foresee 21 days where he "might" be able to see me. If I live close to his family he will drive to see me every day and we can spend weekends together, work on getting paperworks done for marriage, seeing a counselor in spare time, and going on a small vacation in Japan or Hawaii if I have time.

 

If I live 500 miles from him I might still be able to go on the small vacation, but a lot less likely thanks to the presense of my mother. He will have to spend some time with his family and I don't think my mother will let him stay at my house... that reduces our time together to 3 days ~ 2 weeks (if we're extrodinarily lucky).

 

If I live in Taiwan and is always traveling shooting films... I doubt we will be able to see each other at all all next year. I heard it's a permanent position too, which means, god knows when I will see him again. I might as well break up.

 

I just want to be as close to him as possible and wait for him to come back to me. Is that really so much to ask for?

 

What should I do? Should I take up my father's suggestion and let my relationship die? Should I ignore the chance to work with whomever directed LOTR and persue my dream? I'm so confused. I would rather just stay here and find a 30k a year stable little job and wait for him to come back... that seems to be disappointing my parents a lot though.

[GrayBlueEyes]

Here's how I see it:

 

You don't have to move home. You're 21 years-old, an adult. You can decide for yourself where you want (or need) to live. Your Mom has no say in that at this point.

 

The opportunity in Taiwan sounds great, but I have to admit it seems like another way for your family to control you.

 

I have a feeling they are not as approving of your boyfriend as they say, or they wouldn't be trying to get you to move home and/or go halfway around the planet . Something's definitely fishy there.

 

My advice would be to go be near your boyfriend, whom I can tell you truly love, and work on building your life together. You'll be much happier in the long run.

[Phil]

I agree with GrayBlueEyes, you're 21 years old you should be able to live where you want without permission from them.

 

and 21 days of a possible "maybe" visit.... what about the year after will he be doing the same thing? and can you live off only seeing him a possible of 21 days in a year...

 

don't mean to frighten you. but what does he do for a job? if hes around other women it'd be very easy for him to cheat and you to never find out.

 

as for the job how many other people do you think got that opportunity? they may have 300 people come in for an audition and only 10 stay... do you think you have whats needed for this type of job? *not trying to discourage you away, but i wouldn't base my hopes and dreams over this.*

 

also, i'm still kinda lost on where the 2 of you live?..

[Cloud802]

I aggree with both of them, you are 21, you can make decisions for yourself and your mom can't do anything about it. If you let your mom control you at this age then you're just ASKING for the relationship to crash and burn. The whole Taiwan thing, don't do that, if your parents don't like this guy then they should just come out and say it, otherwise they're just being disrespectful to you by trying to tear your life apart by taking him out of the picture. Move over to your b/f, plan your marriage, happiness comes before money halfway around the planet. As for your parents, talk to them and see what the heck is going on, if they don't like him then too bad.

[tea]

my boyfriend is in the military. I'll have to live off seeing him for 21 days a year for the next four years. with the war going on, there's no way around that.

 

I live in california, and I have no idea where he is.

 

 

Is my father can talk his friend into hiring me, I'm staying... without an interview, without an audition. one of those that walks through the back door without qualifications. I never even worked with film before.

 

I can't ask my parents directly. They'll maintain that they think he's a great guy, responsible, etc.

 

I feel somewhat better right now though. 5th day without a word from him, but I guess that's what military gf and wives put up with. Some of us don't hear from our significant other for a week or two weeks at a time.

[mahlina]

Hi Tea,

 

Here's my take on this, do not sacrafice your career over a relationship. Do not deny yourself from pursuing your dreams, just because of a guy. I made the mistake of doing that once, when one of my ex's and I decided to go to college together. Instead of attending my dream school, I decided to go to school with him. He insisted. We were both adament about working on our relationship. But did it work out in the end? No. So try to think thoroughly about this. I know that it's a tough decision for you. I can truly understand, but, sacrafising your dreams won't make the relationship any better. If you do decide to pursue your goals, then realize that there are other ways of keeping in touch as well.

 

I had an LDR before. My ex made efforts to call, e-mail, do webcam, and flew back once a month to visit me. It was expensive, but at least his efforts showed me that he was 'serious.' So if your boyfriend is serious about you, then he should also support you in your dreams. He will make the effort to work things out with you, that is, if he is sincere about your commitment. Also, think of this as a true 'test' for your relationship. I know that it might sound impossible, but if a relationship is truly meant to be, and both partners truly bond/trust each other, then I think that nothing should stand in its way (even if you guys are literally an ocean apart). Hope this helps.

[GrayBlueEyes]

You do make a good point mahlina, however I think the bigger issue here is the fact that tea's family feels the need to exercise so much control over her at age 21. (And yes, the "too good to be true" job is part of that control) I think she will be more miserable and unhappy in the long run if she caves in to their wishes now, rather than doing something independently, whether that's being with her boyfriend or something else.

[mahlina]

No doubt. It's always good to listen to yourself when it comes to fulfilling your own dreams, not your parents'. Just because people give up their careers/goals/aspirations to be with their partners, it does not mean that things will work for the best either. Believe me. I was in a similar situation. Things didn't work out. At least, I learned.

 

In the end, there are no guarantee that things will work out the way that we intend for it to be, even if our intentions are for the best. That's why, it's good to be careful and make wise decisions.

[tea]

mahlina... I agree with you on not sacrificing career over my relationship... but you weren't in a similar situation as I am in right now. A lot of times people think LDRs are all alike, but when a party or both are in the military it's different.

 

He's not free to see me whenever. He can't tell his boss he's going on a vacation next month and expect to be able to take off. He doesn't has access to telephones unless if the situation permits him to make phone calls. He only gets access to messaging programs when he's on liberty or on short breaks, and those only come by once every couple of weeks for at most 3 days. He has access to e-mails, but his work days are 19 hours and there's limited computers on his ship + many people want to be able to send e-mails that he can't always send me e-mails.

 

At the moment, he's not even allowed to send snail mail or packages.

 

Every message I get from him means he's losing sleep, trading favors, or just got lucky, and I haven't heard from him for 4 days... he missed his possible e-mail window today, so I won't hear from him until at least tomorrow morning, which will make that 5 days.

 

...Every time I hear girls write how hard their LDR is that they only get to see each other once every couple of months I get depressed. When people say they only get to talk on the phone once a week because it's expensive I get jealoused. I don't get any of that. All I get is the possibility that I might hear from him in the next couple of days... and they're always short.

 

I know he loves me and he's doing everything he can to get in contact with me. I know if I just make it through the next four years we can be together again. I'm really clinging on threads here trying to make this relationship work.

 

... besides, I never even liked film. When I was younger some producer or whatever asked me if I want to be a star, and I gave them cold eyes and walked away. I don't even know who filmed LOTR.

 

I don't think my family cares about what my dreams are. I like Piano a lot, I played it for 12 years, applied to music schools and music majors, got in... and my parents told me to drop them. So, now I'm in a public school majoring in Environment.

 

I really don't know what I like anymore. I like piano, but that door's kind of closed... maybe one day when I have the time and the money I'll get back to it, but that's one day, not now.

 

I really just want to be happy. I don't want to be rich, I don't care about fame... I just want to be happy.

 

That is a great opportunity though. A couple of my friends might kill me if I give that up. So many of my friends want to go in film...

 

It's kind of sad that I have to choose between a great opportunity and a relationship. I really don't want to choose either, but I can't imagine how they can both work out.

 

... I hope this isn't my dad's plan to get me married to someone Chinese. ... fat chance of that happening.

[Phil]

first off.. tea, i'm not chinese 8) *worth a try..*lol

 

secondly..

 

Mahlina has a very good point, in the next 4 years you would see him about 84 days if you 2 were lucky. I say go for the job. it'll give you something to do for the next 4 years and make money... you may even become a big star.

*edit read your post again lol* well, if you don't really like film you could always look for somethign else, your 21 years old you'll find something you love to do that will make you happy.

 

as for wether you keep the relationship or not i'm not sure about. 84 days in 4 years will definently make you feel empty and lonely. And hes in the military... *sorry to bring this up. i really hope this doesn't happen to him* but not everyone makes it out alive.

[mahlina]

Wow Tea, that is tough! Sorry to hear about your situation. I didn't realize how tough it is to be a girlfriend of someone in the millitary!

 

Okay, well, if film isn't what you desire to do, then find something that you're passionate about. Do not allow your parents to dictate your life. It's good to keep some of their words of wisdom in mind though, but don't allow them to control your life entirely. It doesn't sound like they can. So good job on your part!

 

About your man, that's really tough. How sad. Now that I understand more about your story, I sincerily wouldn't know what to do in your situation. I feel for you. Especially where they don't allow him to send you small packages. *sigh* For the first time, I am really stumped. Whatever happens, in the end, I hope that things will work out for the both of you.

 

I like Phil's comment on being a famous actress. Who knows, but like GrayBlueEyes says, maybe it's your parents' trap? I don't know, but just be careful. Good luck to you. Hang in there!

[tea]

I know... it's dangerous.

 

I know he's out of touch most of the time, and this relationship's almost impossible.

 

I might take the job. I'm not going to be working as an actress... maybe an extra... lol. I already confirmed that I can't act. I might be doing back stage, cg editing, or just admin work though.

 

You're right too, the relationship might not work out at all. I really want it to work out, he really wants it to work out too. If it works out we feel like we can have a family together, although we'll have to get used to each other again.

 

 

... maybe I should go find another relationship... but it's so hard for me to find anyone I remotely want to date.

 

I'm really hoping I can find a career in California, close to where he lives. I'm just scared that if I fail to find a job by January, then...

 

GrayBlueEyes is right too. I let my family control me a lot. Bf finds it super frustrating... he even once asked me if I'll break up with him if my parents told me to. I said no... but then, now it seems inevitable.

 

...and he can't even call me. *sigh*

[tea]

... the more I think about it the more I cry. I'm not sure if I'm that happy in this relationship... all I'm clinging on to is the past and what might come in the future.

 

He's the first person I was able to trust, first person that gave me a hug and I didn't want to throw up, first person that kissed me and I didn't run away with horror on my face... first to discover how unhappy I was and helped me fix my problems and helped me deal with them...Without him I'm really happy too, but I know he adds a lot to my life... and we never faught before. We argue about politics, religion, when he gets here, who should be deciding where we should go (No, I don't want to decide! It's your turn! )...

 

I cry a lot and I try to hide myself when i cry... but he's always able to find me even if I'm hiding. There's even times where I would wake up in the middle of the night and randomly start crying so he had to sing in his awful broken voice and try to calm me down. He's such a bad singer... never knew anyone can be that horrible at singing. Off tune, off beat, off everything...

 

I really do love him... I don't like the war, I don't like military, I don't like religion... and he's involved with all of them but I don't even care... I know he doesn't exactly have the ability to buy a house without mortgage right now, but he's only 24, what do my parents expect anyways?

 

... I'll try harder to look for a job around here. If I find a job, I won't have to move home or be subjected to whatever my parents planned for me. If I have a job I can get by on my own... If I don't find a job, I guess I'll break up with him.

 

Logically speaking I can always find another boyfriend anyways... but the first person I didn't turn down after 40 something guys... who knows when I'll accept another person.

 

I can't give up this easily though. I want us to work out. Who cares if I'll still be paying mortgage on my first house when I'm 50.

 

I feel a bit better I think. Thanks for making me feel better.

[Cloud802]

Just don't go to the career, just hang out with your boy, otherwise it truly is hopeless.

[maasikus]

Hey Tea,

 

From what I read, I guess its not worth to worry so much about the job in Taiwan. I mean, who knows for sure if your dad's friends might wanna hire you as a favor to your dad? Besides, you could always tell your parents that its not what you wanna do in life. Dont let them control your life. You are a sensible mature 21 year old. Just put a big smile on your face, be strong, confident and start looking for work. The holiday season could be dull for finding a new job - so start rightaway, and I m sure you will find something decent near his home.

 

Oh, and if you really love him with all your heart, and he does so too, then dont just break up for some stupid materialistic reason. Its really hard to find true love - so when you have it, go for it. Besides, its not like he is having fun out there! He is suffering much more than you are. Hopefully things work out well for you guys and he comes home soon to be with you. Dont let anything / anyone confuse you. I know how sometimes parents want the best for their children, but they dont know exactly what is good for them! Asian parents can be a little too protective / dominating. Just be strong and bold. Make them proud of you. Well, if they still are upset , then who cares? Afterall you cant be a puppet on their string.

[Lily04]

Hi Tea,

 

First, I just want to say that I was really touched by your messages. It seems like you really love this guy and if that's the truth, then just try to hang in there. I haven't heard from my guy in about 4-5 days now, and when I've feel upset about it, I felt silly & weak, like I wasn't being independent & strong or something. But reading your post, I realized that if you're really in love, those 4 days should mean something, and I shouldn't feel bad about wanting him to e-mail. Now I feel quite disappointed with him..I don't know why he is so hesitant all the time to e-mail. I know that he is in a graduate program. But I am also friends with people in graduate & law school, and they have at least 5 mins. in their busy day to e-mail or call their girlfriend. (He complains that it's too expensive to call, but if he really loved me I think he could spare the change..especially since in my last e-mail there were certain phrases that suggested break-up. I would've thought he'd be a bit more concerned..) We don't even MSN, so it's not like I'm keeping him that much from his work. Plus, he has a computer at home, he could just zip off something before he goes to bed or something. I really don't see our relationship working and as I mentioned in another post (that you replied to btw..thanks!) I am planning to break up with him. But it seems like you really have something going for you, and I hope you're successful with it. The distance is tough, so if it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up over it. But I think that things will somehow work out for you.

 

Take care,

 

lily04

[tea]

I just heard from him yesterday... he was trying to make time to call everyone... but he called me while I was driving to his mom's house for her birthday, and he called his mom when his brother was hooked on AOL (despite them having DSL). So, he kind of missed both of us. He talked to me for a bit... not sure how he knew I was unhappy and I've been crying... but somehow he can always tell, so I gave up figuring out what gave me away.

 

It kind of sucks because I got him all worried now.

 

He said he'd call again, but...didn't. *sigh*

 

... sometimes I'm not even really that upset when he calls... but I hardly get to hear his voice. Last time I heard his voice was last month on the 23rd. Sometimes when I actually hear his voice I just break down because I've been waiting for so long.

 

Maybe I'll give myself one more day to be unhappy. Then no more.I can't be crying the whole next week too.

[faeriechyld]

I have a couple of questions for you.

 

Why is your boyfriend gone to war for 4 years? Most people I've heard of that are going to war are gone for about 18 months at a time, and they get to come home for a little while, if not for good. Unless his duty station is overseas...then I could understand.

 

And if his duty station is overseas, would you be willing to marry him and move there(I know you can't move to Iraq, I'm saying if his station is in England or Italy or something, you could marry him and move there)?

 

I know how much it can suck to be dating a military guy. Both first hand and second hand. A dear friend of mine just had her b/f leave for Iraq last month, and my boyfriend is currently stationed up north in the middle of nowhere. Contact is more often than yours, but still fairly scarce and sporadic.

 

You already know it's not easy to have him gone so far away and not know when he's coming home. I couldn't have said it better myself when you mentioned how different a military relationship is from your average LDR. Even the most demanding of civilian jobs can't compare to the 24/7 duty call of military personnel. And you also mentioned the process of "getting used to each other again." I've met many girls online who have mentioned this and know of it myself to a certain extent.

 

Before you make any type of decision, you really need to figure out what it is you want. You said you don't want to do film and you don't want to lose your relationship. You and your boyfriend are talking marriage, even with all the difficulties, when you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you hold onto them with both hands. If you don't want to do film, and you have suspensions about your parent's intentions in not only this but other things as well, don't do it. Sure it's a great opportunity and yeah maybe your friends will be mad, but so what? It's YOUR life, not theirs. If they want to be in the movie so bad, they can try to do it themselves.

 

How long have you and your boyfriend been together and how long has he been gone so far? Four years is a long time, but if you're already talking about marriage, there is a chance the two of you could be together before the 4 years is up depending on where he is stationed. He gets 21 days, right? I can't believe I'm going to write this(and believe me, I'm laughing right now) but he could *try* to plan for a date to take off for the wedding and it *might* work out. I know how the military can be...you know...not very reliable when it comes to giving their word. But it's worth a shot. And even if you can't plan for a big wedding, you could have a small one at the courthouse and plan for a bigger one later when he's out of the military. That way maybe you wouldn't have to wait the entire 4 years for him to get out.

 

Lastly, I'd like to leave you with a reminder, more than any advice I could offer. As I stated earlier, this is your life. You and you alone decide what direction to go, which course to take. Your parents, your friends, even some of the people on this forum may not agree with what you decide, but only you can decide it. Accept that you might make a mistake, that something you decide may not work out. But realize that life is a learning experience, it's not a well-made plan that works out perfectly ever time. If at first you don't succeed, try try again, and all that. Follow your heart, live your life by your standards and any decision you make can't be a wrong one. It may just be a hard lesson learned, but it's a decision that you made for yourself, and those are the most important.

 

I wish you all the best, from one military girlfriend to another.

[tea]

He's not going there for 4 years straight... more like... he's based in Japan, and his current deployment is..... *sigh* Well, but yes, after his deployment we assume he won't be on another one for a while, except he won't be here with me either. His superiors told him he'll be based there for at least 3 years. He hasn't told anyone except me. After 3 years he'll have half a year in the military left. Who knows if they're just going to keep him there for another half a year... or with our unreliable military notices, maybe they'll just keep him on a ship for longer.

 

LOL. ^^; I think you misunderstood me a little. 4 years is what he signed up for. currently we're .5 years into this. I've dated him for 15 months now.

 

We're going to get married. I'm not going to let my family stop me on that no matter what. They love him, they think he's responsible and smart and sweet and polite and a lot of things. If the only reason they want to stop me from marrying him is because he's not Chinese and he's not rich, sorry, I won't accept that.

 

I'm perfectly willing to move to Japan for my boyfriend. However, both of us agreed that if I have a career in California, that won't happen. I rather move there with him, but he says I can't let him stop me from pursueing a career. If I don't find a career, I'm moving over there I think. That's what both of us want. Well, now he's also wondering if he should let me go at all. He thinks if I'm here his family can take care of me for him. However, if I move over there I will be on my own when he's deployed.

 

I was really emotional last week...I know. I'm a lot better now.

 

I know he's having a hard life... right now he has 19 hour work days, less than 5 hours of sleep, and they're on alert 24/7.

 

I guess I have no choice but to be understanding and wait for his next e-mail... right now I counted 2 days since his last e-mail... still waiting.

 

Oh, I forgot.. 21 day leave a year right? (Well, if you're lucky enough.) That breaks down to 1 week on vacation, 1 week with his family, 1 week with me, friends in between... or if I'm with my mom, less than a week with me and the rest with his family... If I'm still in California and has my own job.. that'll be 21 days for me, I'll be there on his vacation, I'll be there when he's visiting his family members, I'll still be there when he's visiting me... and no, I don't see most of his friends along with him. I think sometimes guys need boys times... I want to stay around where he lives. =/ I just want to increase our time together...

[tea]

i swear... everyone and their mother is trying to break us apart.

 

 

Dad's trying to get me into a good career... and the military just asked bf to apply for officer.

 

He was thinking about that a while back but I didn't want him to... now he's asking again, "What do you think?" I know if I tell him I don't want him to be an officer and I rather him quit military after 4 years, he'll do it... LOL I can't do that.

 

...WHY~~~ this is so pissing me off. >_

 

Ugh, that means I have to deal with 20 years of relocation and having bf deployed right? Ugh, if he wants to have babies... he needs to be with me for at least two years... with no deployments! >_