What can you do when your life has no sex and no romance?

[cadmiumblue]

I probably should, but you know, sometimes you just pick and pick at a scab when it's not done healing.

[cocoon2012]

cadmiumblue....each of us are the creator of our outer world....our inner world creates our outer reality....there is something in you that keeps you away from superficial interactions...i am sure you have been searching for deeper meaning of life and now since you are feeling confused you want to dig from the bottom maybe to get to the life meanings faster...I can assure you that this instant passionate feeling is not helpful...All of us as human are struggling to reach our creative power and that can be obtained by controlling our passions and putting it into creation....you don't need to lose your virginity and creativity in an unconscious situation...you need to fall in love and for that you have to leave your comfort zone and fears and ending your dependencies and letting yourself fall..you need to learn to be self balancing and that is when you set yourself free and letting other things to fall into their right places... that is when will meet and become complemented with your mate...good luck

[Dynaudio]

OP, do you take care of yourself physically, eat healthy, go to the gym, etc? One thing I know, whether a person is male or female, being in shape and healthy will make you feel better and will help attract the opposite sex. Also, if you're active and out more, then you have a better chance of running into people and meeting new people.

 

Have you tried any online dating sites such as POF, OKCupid, Match?

 

Another thing to consider is moving to a new location. If there's nothing tying you down to where you currently live, pack up and move to another state. Massachusetts is cold. Maybe try a warmer state. Sometimes a fresh start helps.

[Skrylzz]

I don't feel sad or depressed, but it is hard. I just remind myself that having young kids means a lot of work and sacrifice and that their needs are more important than my desires right now.

 

I think a lot of people think this, but it causes problems long term. First priority should be mom and dad being happy - even if that means just a little bit of alone time or intimacy here and there. Of course kids do get in the way of things, but you should still make each other a high priority! I think sometimes one or both parents get overwhelmed and then just use the kids as an excuse to stop trying to make each other happy, because the "kids come first!". Best of luck to you, hope things get better.

[cadmiumblue]

OP, do you take care of yourself physically, eat healthy, go to the gym, etc? One thing I know, whether a person is male or female, being in shape and healthy will make you feel better and will help attract the opposite sex. Also, if you're active and out more, then you have a better chance of running into people and meeting new people.

 

Have you tried any online dating sites such as POF, OKCupid, Match?

 

Another thing to consider is moving to a new location. If there's nothing tying you down to where you currently live, pack up and move to another state. Massachusetts is cold. Maybe try a warmer state. Sometimes a fresh start helps.

 

 

Yes, I eat healthy and exercise. That's not an issue.

 

Meeting people doesn't mean anything, unfortunately. You can meet a lot of people who aren't interested, as I do. That doesn't do much good.

 

dating is fake...I hate it...I don't want to date...I just wish I had a relationship.

 

Massachusetts is cold. I don't think it has anything to do with cold. My sister dated a lot of people. I would move somewhere else if I could afford to. I can't.

[camus154]

Meeting people doesn't mean anything, unfortunately. You can meet a lot of people who aren't interested, as I do. That doesn't do much good.

 

It means everything. It doesn't matter if you meet people who aren't interested. Of course you will. The point is, you can't ever expect to meet people who will be interested in you if you don't meet many people at all.

 

Stop using the fact that you meet people who aren't interested as an excuse for not meeting people at all.

 

dating is fake...I hate it...I don't want to date...I just wish I had a relationship.

 

Well, relationships don't just happen. By and large they come as a result of either meeting people or dating. You seem resistant to both ideas, so you shouldn't be surprised that this isn't happening for you.

[cadmiumblue]

I do meet people, btw. I even met people at my job that I was interested in...a lot of people, actually. But they weren't interested.

 

I don't think I ever met someone I was interested in who was interested in me. It's just never mutual.

[penelope13]

It's normal that most people one is interested in won't return the sentiment - thus why finding a partner can be a real challenge.

 

Most often if has nothing to do with who you are as an individual, but because a lot of factors need to be lined up properly for a relationship to have the chance to start.

 

All you can really do is everything in your power to increase your chances: exposing yourself to as many people as possible, making sure that you are mentally, emotionally at your possible best, culturing those aspects in yourself that may be generally more attractive to the kind of person you want to attract (e.g. if you are into the outdoorsy kind of people, it makes sense to get involved in those kind of activities yourself)

[cadmiumblue]

It reminds me of the question I always ask myself...how is anyone ever with anyone? But somehow relationships happen. Maybe they just gave up and dated someone they weren't into. Part of me wishes I could do that, but I can't.

[penelope13]

No, it's by never giving up and by putting your self best forward for others to see

[camus154]

It reminds me of the question I always ask myself...how is anyone ever with anyone? But somehow relationships happen. Maybe they just gave up and dated someone they weren't into. Part of me wishes I could do that, but I can't.

 

Over and over I keep trying to push you into focusing on the practical things you could be doing to make your life better.

 

Over and over you instead choose to keep reiterating the same sob story. It never works, no one's interested, how does everyone else do it, it's no use.

 

Relationships do not "just happen" to people. They make them happen. You, on the other hand, do not. You are not with anyone because you don't bother fixing yourself first and foremost, asking if you're even someone people would WANT to be with, and then doing what's necessary to increase your odds of meeting someone.

 

This isn't rocket science. What you've been doing isn't producing the results you somehow think should just fall into your lap. You are never going to get results if you continue to do things business as usual. Please stop telling us how things don't work for you.

[cadmiumblue]

I'm hearing that you think there's something wrong with me and I need to change myself, because I'm not someone that anyone would want to be with.

[penelope13]

I'm hearing that you think there's something wrong with me and I need to change myself, because I'm not someone that anyone would want to be with.

 

That is your interpretation, but that is not what he said.

 

what he said is: regardless if you are miss perfect - if you don't actively try to find a partner, he/she is not going to magically turn up on your door stop.

 

So shall we talk about what you can do to increase your chances?

[evam]

It's been rough lately being single when it's depressing at home, you just wished that a special person would be there for you and make it better. Since I'm currently single and have self-esteem issues, I concentrate my energy on me myself and I. I started exercising again, and eating healthy to boost my confidence. Go out with friends every week-end try new pubs/bars, get a new wardrobe, try dating sites...If ever it doesn't work you could try help books. Definitely have to work on yourself beforehand THEN try to date.

[cadmiumblue]

I really don't have many friends, I definitely don't have any friends that like to "go out." So that's not going to work. My life is not normal. If I was the kind of woman who went out and had lots of friends, I doubt I'd be in this situation. I don't really go to bars either and I don't drink.

 

I don't like being told that there's something so wrong with me that nobody would ever want me.

[penelope13]

I don't like being told that there's something so wrong with me that nobody would ever want me.

 

who is saying that?

[camus154]

I really don't have many friends, I definitely don't have any friends that like to "go out." So that's not going to work. My life is not normal. If I was the kind of woman who went out and had lots of friends, I doubt I'd be in this situation. I don't really go to bars either and I don't drink.

 

I don't like being told that there's something so wrong with me that nobody would ever want me.

 

OP, this is what I meant about not focusing on any solutions and instead just rehashing the problem again. You're doing it again right here.

 

Is any of this making sense to you? We say "let's talk solutions", you reply with more problems. You don't have many friends. Problem. Those that you do have don't go out. Problem. You're life isn't normal. Problem. You don't go to bars. Problem.

 

Have you ever had a friend or family member or maybe even a poster here who comes to you for advice, but when you try to give any to them they just come up with excuse after excuse for why it won't work? Imagine if you were responding in a thread in the forums where someone was talking about being broken and how they could never seem to get ahead. You ask them if there's any way they could work more hours at their job. They say "I'm already working 34 hours a week and would be too tired to work any more." You ask if there are any expenses they could cut. They reply, "Well, I have a large car payment on my brand new Mercedes, but there's nothing I can do about that." You suggest selling the car and buying a cheaper, used one and they tell you "no way, I love that car." Maybe they could consider getting a roommate to split rent. They say, "no, I don't do well living with others."

 

There's a point where you're ready to throw up your hands and stop offering advice, because what starts becoming clear to you that this person isn't really seeking help, they just seem to want to complain about how broke they are. What else are you supposed to think when the person rejects every single suggestion you can come up with?

 

This is how I feel with you. Nothing seems to be sinking in. You've been asked by several people now if you're willing to focus on practical solutions, and all you reply with is more problems. This won't work because you don't have many friends. And those that you do have (surprise) don't go out. Of course, you say, if you HAD more friends this wouldn't be a problem--but the irony in you saying this is that you're shooting down the very things that would help you make more friends!

 

I don't know why I keep trying to get through to you. I guess some part of me thinks maybe with enough patience and perseverance, a light bulb will go off and you'll be willing to have a sincere discussion about changing what you don't like about your life. Because no one should have to live life feeling like you do. But it's also entirely up to you whether you do or not.

[cadmiumblue]

So I should just go out to bars and clubs alone.

 

Does anyone do that? At least I don't drink, so I'll have my wits about me to run away quickly when some drunk, 68 year old pervert tries to molest me.

[cadmiumblue]

That reminds me. The men who are attracted to me are either drunk, way too old for me, unattractive, or a combination of those. The women who are attracted to me are...nonexistent for the most part. Haha.

[DieTeufelKatze]

So I should just go out to bars and clubs alone.

 

Does anyone do that? At least I don't drink, so I'll have my wits about me to run away quickly when some drunk, 68 year old pervert tries to molest me.

 

See, this is exactly what camus154 JUST said in his last post... we try to help you but you either just counter back with more problems, mock us, use sarcasm or argue with us about why you think our suggestions and advice for your problems won't work!!

 

This is EXACTLY why I am going to refuse to offer any more advice to you!!

[camus154]

So I should just go out to bars and clubs alone.

 

Does anyone do that? At least I don't drink, so I'll have my wits about me to run away quickly when some drunk, 68 year old pervert tries to molest me.

 

Is that what I said? Really? Show me right now where I said "so the solution is clearly to go out to bars and clubs alone." Good grief, woman.

 

And do you see how you followed that up with yet another negative comment? 68 year old perverts, huh? I dare you--I DARE YOU--to make one single reply without being negative in some fashion.

 

That reminds me. The men who are attracted to me are either drunk, way too old for me, unattractive, or a combination of those. The women who are attracted to me are...nonexistent for the most part. Haha.

 

Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.

 

I give up. I don't care, it's your life of misery. Just stay right where you are being miserable. You seem pretty comfortable there.

[cadmiumblue]

I'm going to take the advice of writing down all the solutions and trying them.

 

Yes, there are a lot of problems.

[cadmiumblue]

As an aside, I think that thing on enotalone about TV romance ruining real life romance might be true. I watch True Blood, Game Of Thrones...and other shows. I watch movies... I read books and all of these things contribute to giving me completely unrealistic expectations about love and sex.

 

Why can't life imitate art? : (

[Lateralis]

I really don't have anything to add. I wish I did, but there are so many people within this thread that have given you great advice. It's clear as day for me, but you just can't see it for some reason. Do you not realize that you are rejecting advice without even truly giving it consideration?

 

Are you here just to argue with people? As someone else said, you come accross as very combative, and then you wonder why you're not in a relationship? Not only that I've seen you hijack someone else's thread just to start an argument about something completely irrelevant.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to get you to see things as they are. I do not believe you when you say you cooperated with your therapist. In order to do that, you have to really consider their advice and even try some of it! You have not done that with any of the advice within this thread, so why would you be cooperative with a therapist?

 

In all honesty you've probably met plenty of people who were interested in you, but you either blew them off completely or acted in a way that pushed them away. Here's a cold hard fact: people are not attracted to anger and bitterness. They are also not attracted to self-pity and loathing. People are attracted to happy. People are attracted to fun. People are attracted to interesting. People are attracted to caring.

 

Another issue here is that it's impossible to love someone else if you don't first love yourself. You have to BELIEVE you have something to offer in order to be in a realtionship. You have to BELIEVE you are worthy of what someone else has to offer. You have to BELIEVE that you deserve to be loved, and in time, will. Yes, people who don't believe in these things may find partners here and there, but they never last because they either push that partner away with their attitude or they end it themselves because of unresolved issues.

 

Please... try to find a calm within yourself and try to truly absorb all the advice everyone has given you in this thread. We really are trying to help you, but you don't seem to accept or want any of the help we provide. Eventually, as has already started happening, people will give up on even trying to help you.

 

I do wish you luck. Things will get better for you if you allow them to, and if you put forth some effort.

 

I also just realized that I said I had nothing to add and then went on to write several paragraphs. I guess I did have something to add.

[Fudgie]

As an aside, I think that thing on enotalone about TV romance ruining real life romance might be true. I watch True Blood, Game Of Thrones...and other shows. I watch movies... I read books and all of these things contribute to giving me completely unrealistic expectations about love and sex.

 

Why can't life imitate art? : (

 

Because then it would be superficial and impractical.

 

I'm actually extremely glad that life doesn't imitate art. It can't be all roses and red and chocolates and butterflies all the time.

 

I do suggest that curbing the sappy books/movies/shows for a while would help. Initial romance is most like the movies sometimes but it fades fast. Being in a LTR is rolling over in the morning and having your SO breathe stink breath in your face. Gross you out? That's just life. The sooner you begin to accept this and the sooner you get rid of the idealistic ideas, the better off you'll be.