Sometimes...it gets worse.

[SolFeather]

I fear you might be right, lalalollipops. I am trying not to make snap decisions right now, but your words echo my thoughts this morning. I told her this morning that there is only a hair keeping me from telling her to pac a bag and get the **** out. I am trying to restrain those types of thoughts though as she has a therapy session today (her first)...so I am anxiously waiting to see what the therapist says.

[deepsea]

deapsea....your points are well taken. These are definitely things I am wrestling with. And this time, it certainly was physical...not in person physical...but web cam,etc.

 

Did they engage in cybersex?

 

Seriously, the reality is, she deliberately deceived you, lied to you, pretended to be in love with you. Basically, she was stringing you along, and making you believe that everything was hunky dory, when all the while, she was pouring her heart out to another man. She was living a double life, right before your very eyes. What is remarkable, is that she STILL had the nerves to flat out deny it, after being questioned.

 

And, Therapy? Honestly?... She only needed it now? After being caught...TWICE?

 

I won't advise you on what you should do. Ultimately, the decision is yours. Here, we can only try to let you look at things from a different angle, and see an objective reality of the situation. If you do decide to stay with her, you will be walking on eggshells, and there will always be tension. And goodness, how well do you sleep at night?

 

If you leave her, obviously, you will go through the process of emotional separation, and healing. But, I believe you will be able to breathe a little easier. And I know this is far from your thoughts, right now; but, you will probably meet a lovely woman, who is loyal, honest and faithful, and fall deeply in love with her.

[SolFeather]

Cybersex...yes...certainly...I got as much horrible details from his wife...and then as my wife admitted it...from her. Lots of it. And she did stuff on camera that she never has for me in all our marriage. That hurts.

 

It is tough. I do not know which way I will go right now. She seems to want to go on like nothing happened. I want some changes...obviously. It chafes me that she seems unwilling to try to make them.

[deepsea]

She seems to want to go on like nothing happened. I want some changes...obviously. It chafes me that she seems unwilling to try to make them.

 

So, what is the purpose of therapy, then? To outwardly demonstrate that she's 'truly' sorry for upsetting you? It sounds like she is not willing to give you the respect you righteously demand and deserve. In the wise words of Dr Phil, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." She simply chooses to ignore the elephant in the room.

 

But, you are the one who is critically affected by all of this mess; you are now faced with the ultimate decision to either stay or go. Just remember that you create your own experiences. If you choose to stay with a wife who incessantly lies, cheats, and takes you for granted, then you also choose the consequences.

[SolFeather]

Deepsea...you are right, of course. What can I say. I want it to work, I want her to be back to being the woman I married. I do realize, though, that the woman I married would never have done this to me. The woman I am with now is not the same woman. I am hopeful for the therapy, though I am also sceptical. If there is any bull**** of 'Lets not talk about fault' or 'You need to lookforward only, not backwards'..and sweeping under the rug so to speak...then I am done.

[pl3asehelp]

Deepsea...you are right, of course. What can I say. I want it to work, I want her to be back to being the woman I married. I do realize, though, that the woman I married would never have done this to me. The woman I am with now is not the same woman. I am hopeful for the therapy, though I am also sceptical. If there is any bull**** of 'Lets not talk about fault' or 'You need to lookforward only, not backwards'..and sweeping under the rug so to speak...then I am done.

 

For your sake you should walk away from this. Just wasting your precious time otherwise.

[SolFeather]

I have 4 kids....I don;t think it s a waste of time to see if it can be salvaged. I do not know if it can...but I think it worth my time to look into it.

[Klokwurk]

Threads like this make me depressed and remind me why life sucks.

 

I am so sorry SolFeather... You have my deepest condolences.

[SURPRISE]

Hey SolFeather. Your stories resonate with me heavily. I am also an IT guy as well and just found out my wife had 2 affairs.

 

Just posted my story can't post link "Wife of 12 years had 6 month distance affair on Facebook meeting the guy once."

 

Anyway, your story seemed so close to mine that I wanted to reply and I am watching to see how it works out for you. I hope and pray that we both get these women back on track to the people they used to be when we married them. Take care and God bless you.

[Justme3]

I think that the person you thought she was was just a facade. SURPRISE, I think these women, yours and solfeather's are showing their true colors. Cheaters and liars don't change drastically. And once you see them for what they realty are, they never go back.

[SolFeather]

I am trying to figure out if who she is is indeed a facade. Those thoughts are definitely there within me. Moreso that her choice of career changed her. This is what really worries me. I mean before her path on the music career she was quite loyal and caring and ..well...great. But since becoming a professional musician...she seems to be a sinkhole of attention...and the more fame she gets the worse it seems to get. I thin kthat is part of the reason she did what she did...she liked the extra attention. I need to figure out if this is the 'new' her....if it is, then I am out of there. If she can go back to who she was...then we might be able to work it through.

[SURPRISE]

Sounds like you are thinking with a level head and that is the most we can hope for right now. I believe we'll know if and when our relationship is done or not.

[lalalollipops]

This is who she really is, don't you see? It's not about getting the ol her back, she was always like this, she just hid this side from you well. This has no integrity, and you need to stop wishing shed just change. She won't. People that can do this, to not even this degree have severe issues with empathy, fidelity and compassion. It's all about her. She had TWO affairs! This time round she lied and went behind your back for two years!

Good people do not do this.

[SURPRISE]

Good people make bad choices. It's what they do after the bad choices that determines if they were good people to begin with.

[lalalollipops]

^ lol you're really are grasping onto straws aren't you? The OPs wife is not a good person, and to suggest that you can rectify what she did by 'working o fix it' after it happened for the second time is naive and I feel sad for you. Cos you deserve more than having a wife who did what she did. Oh well, hope your goggles come off soon.

 

I've been cheated on before, so I know it's hard to walk away. But you have to respect yourself and demand it. If you don't respect yourself, who will?

[deepsea]

Good people make bad choices. It's what they do after the bad choices that determines if they were good people to begin with.

 

True. But, we also teach others how to treat us. So, if we consciously choose to remain in a relationship with a person who had cheated, then it is impregnated in the cheater's subconscious that their behaviour is acceptable. This is why people cheat, again and again. Hence, the cliche: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

 

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing. However, I believe it can depend on the fortitude of the cheated partner, and how much he/she is willing to endure.

[SolFeather]

I am having real troubles making this work with my wife. Where she was originally claiming she thinks somethign si wrong with her that needs to be addressed...now she doesn;t think that. Where she was eager to make things better before...she now seem sless so. Where before she talked about how regretful she was...not she talks about how her memories with him were beautiful and meaningful...and fails to understand why I need her to view those memories with regret and shame. She is caught in this damned fog where she grieves for her lost boyfriend. Honesly, if she snap out of this soon and come to her senses....I have to kick her out. Its that simple.

[pl3asehelp]

I am having real troubles making this work with my wife. Where she was originally claiming she thinks somethign si wrong with her that needs to be addressed...now she doesn;t think that. Where she was eager to make things better before...she now seem sless so. Where before she talked about how regretful she was...not she talks about how her memories with him were beautiful and meaningful...and fails to understand why I need her to view those memories with regret and shame. She is caught in this damned fog where she grieves for her lost boyfriend. Honesly, if she snap out of this soon and come to her senses....I have to kick her out. Its that simple.

 

Sounds like it's time to take out the trash.

[SURPRISE]

Dang, SolFeather, that's probably a bad thing. I hope you have been able to sit down with a therapist and get maybe a couple answers or try to set it up. She obviously is not sure what she wants and maybe getting kicked out will help her decide. Who knows.

[lalalollipops]

Are you f serious? Kicking her out to wait for her decision while your life hangs in limbo?

Are you guys really that blinded and lacking of a spine???

Damn no wonder these women don't respect both of you, you guys don't exactly inspire respect if you allow ppl to spit and wipe their feet on you daily. o_O

I feel so much pity for both of you. Hope you'll be able to put your foot down eventually.

*shakes head*

[deepsea]

Sol,

*sigh* ..honestly.. We've offered you a lot of wise words, here. Yet, you continue to stay (at your own accord); and, therefore, choose to suffer the consequences. Sol, the truth is, your wife is actually in love with another man. No amount of therapy is ever going to 'fix' that, and 'make' her fall out of love. It can probably tap into some underlying personal issues; but, her feelings for him seem genuine and sincere, and unrelated to whatever personal demons she has.

 

That is why she is less enthusiastic about putting an effort in mending your marriage. She is oblivious to your feelings and your needs, because she is in love with another man. That's it. Understand that. So, you need to ask yourself, if it sits well with you to stay married to a woman who is, obviously, in love with someone else.

[SolFeather]

Make no mistake, kicking her out would not be for her to 'figure it out'. If I kick her out...it is for good. If she 'fugres it out' later...too bad. ..I will have moved on. In many ways I have moved on already. I hold out a sliver of hope. I have given my wife a very short timeline to get her head out of the fog so to speak. I owe it to a 15 year marriage and 4 kids to see if she can. It is likely that she cannot though...as she seems unwilling to work on her own issues. So my guess is it will not be successful and we will split. And that split will be final to me. It's sad because I do love her...and I do want it to work out. I still have a tiny bit of hope...but its fading...and I need to take care of my own happiness.

[deepsea]

I owe it to a 15 year marriage and 4 kids to see if she can. It is likely that she cannot though...as she seems unwilling to work on her own issues. So my guess is it will not be successful and we will split. And that split will be final to me. It's sad because I do love her...and I do want it to work out. I still have a tiny bit of hope...but its fading...and I need to take care of my own happiness.

 

I hope you're still not hanging on by the skin of your teeth. You're fighting a losing battle, here, Sol. This is a lop-sided marriage. You are the only one striving to make things work, here. You don't owe your marriage anything. You've given it all you've got. What more do you have left? You owe it to your kids to be happy, fulfilled, and emotionally secure so that you can confidently raise them to be decent, independent and productive citizens. You need to consider if a marriage ridden with conflict and lies is in the best interest for your children. They deserve peace in their home. If you allow yourself to be mistreated by your wife, you are teaching your children, by example, that it is fine. What advice would you give them, if they found themselves in a similar situation later on in their lives?

 

As for her head being in a fog - Sol, your wife is in love with another man. You can't expect her to turn off her feelings overnight. Therapy is not going to make her 'snap out of it,' and fall in love with you. She is not loving you in the way a sincere wife should love her husband in an affectionate and committed marriage, because she chooses not to. Instead, she grieves the loss of the man she loves. I think that her narcissistic ways and unwillingness to communicate, acknowledge fault, show genuine remorse, and put any effort into rebuilding the relationship will, ultimately, nail the fate of this marriage.

[SolFeather]

Deepsea, you are right of course. I am likely fighting a losing battle. And it is slowly killing me...or at least hurting my health. I barely sleep and I eat like a bird. Its an uphill battle and one I concede is likely lost, but it is not one that is lost *yet*. She does love me, that much is true. However, things are very lopsided as you point out. I have given much more into this marriage that she has. That will need to stop if we go forward. And I am not sure I can go forward. That is what I need to figure out.

 

I understand that she was in love with someone else..as well. I don't expect her to turn her feelings around over night, in fact I have been very understanding in that regard. I have even consoled her as she grieved for his loss, which hurt me like hell...but I am trying to be a good husband...trying to make this work until I know it won't.

 

Regardless, for it to work with me, I need her to be truly regretful and remorseful for what she has done. So far she has said she regrets hurting me and feels guilty about that...*BUT* that she is not ashamed of anything she did in the affair and believes that affairs are not something people should be ashamed of *AT ALL*. It's apparently (and I only recently found this out) a view that her mother shares. For some backstory on that, her father cheated on her mother when my wife was a teen. I believe her mother adopted this view as a way of justifying her fathers adultery...as a way of accepting him back without going crazy. In essence, I think this attitude is *learned*, by my wife, from what happened to her parents. For that I send her parents a very sarcastic 'Thanks!'.

 

Anyway, I am waiting to figure out if she can view her actions in this affair in any sort of negative light...in a light of 'What a horrible thing I did to my husband and our marriage'. I expect to know this week. Her answer will illuminate my path forward. If she can view her affair in this light (the way society views adultery)....then there is hope and I can try to salvage what was a very good marriage (before this happened). However, if she cannot do this, then it illuminates to me that she is not a person I can be with as a) if she sees nothing negative in her actions - she will likely do it again, and b) I actually think there is mental illness in holding such a view, and c) a person who thinks this way has no business in a monogamous relationship anyway, and finally d) I deserve to be with someone that will give me the love and respect I deserve.

 

It is agonizing to be in this place....to not know...to hang on while trying to figure out 'Who exactly is this person I am married to?' But I know that even if I split with her, that a year or two down the road I will be satisfied with myself that I did everything I could to make that work...even if it didn't. I would want to know that I put in my best effort (without sacrificing my own morals and happiness). But it is *Very* hard to be in this place...and I wish I knew this moment which way it would go....I wish I knew weeks ago. I think I will know soon...and that is all I can do at this point.

[lalalollipops]

I feel really sorry for you. You comforted her while she dwelled on another man? Now you're in limbo waiting for what she plans to tell you before you proceed?

You've really lost all sense of self, she's just walking all over you because all the respect is gone. Because you aren't demanding for respect, you're just on her beck and call, and that's where you'll remain for the rest of your life.

This is just sad; your inability to love yourself and put your foot down.

Regardless of remorse, she'll be doing this again in half a year, one years time. Maybe with the same guy, maybe with a different on.

Who knows.