should we try harder to fix our relationships ?

[sasha12]

Do you think that in todays society we are more capable of ending a relationship then trying to fix it ? I just find that so many people will walk away from their marriage or a serious realtionship instead of trying to fix it. I know that sometimes things just can't be fixed especially if your in a abusive or controlling relationship or if infedelity is involved. I just think it is so sad to see two people who were at one time so much in love end the marriage in divorce.

[if only]

I used to agree, I always used to say to my ex how can people just fall out of love?!

 

We were together for 5 years and I would never have imagined this happening to us I always thought we could work things out and he agreed...thing is he decided to end our relationship 6 months ago not because he didn't love me, enjoy my company etc but to be single with no strings!!!

 

I couldn't believe it but in the end, even though I always said the same as yourself, I realised there was no point in fighting it. If he was unhappy then I didn't want to be the cause of that & I didn't want to work at things as I would have always felt insecure, he had to make his own decisions himself.

 

Getting back to your point yes it would be nice for more couples to work at things than giving up.. but these days I think more people have freedom of speech and would rather speak out than live an unhappy life. Years ago when the man ruled the marriage, one's personal life was private and people felt they had to stay in relationships even when unhappy. Most people in those days believed in god and religiously attended church. Divorce was not/still not recognised in the catholic church which they felt they couldn't go against.

 

I now having gone through a break up realise that we are in much better situations and have lots more options and generally think we are a happier population than those years ago, but it is also just my own thoughts ... I would love to go back in time and ask people about there relationships.

 

And who knows maybe they were really happy and now because we have so many more options we don't know what we are truly looking for?!!

[shes2smart]

There is a second question you need to ask here:

 

In the past, did people stay together only because of societal, religious or family pressure when they probably should have broken up?

 

You can bemoan what is by comparing it to a past that never really existed, and you don't get the whole picture if you don't ask the second question.

[Soulfully]

Good topic!

 

Its definitely apparent that in today's society we are more capable of ending a relationship than trying to fix it. Its almost like anything in society today really...people want many things, and in this consumer-based society, people want and can get many things, even if they know they shouldn't be. Increase in choices, alternatives, and due to what seems like our insatiable nature we tend to seek for more, for better, and if possible (enabled by consumer society) as quick as possible and with as little effort as possible please!! I dont really know whether this attitude has really spilled into our emotional relationships, but its funny how many comparisons we can actually draw from them.

 

I think it may also have to do with the way we have actually been brought up to believe what love is. Media, culture, family... we all tend to believe that love is purely magical thing ... perfect man, perfect woman, perfect relationship with no troubles, no problems, nice and easy, and no effort required right? hehehe. Its like we are brainwashed to believe that that is how love should be, and if its not like this, its not love then, and they are not our "soulmate", so we should go our separate ways to continue searching for our "soulmate" hehehe. Funny how the word "soulmate" has caused so much emotional harm, breakups, divorces... And funny how so many of us tell ourselves that each of our exes were "the ones" when we were actually with them.

 

Plus, and intertwined with the above points, is the eternal search for the highs of new relationships where everything is rosey coloured. Call it infatuation, limerence etc... and when these die out, the "love" is gone..."I dont feel the same for you anymore"... yet you do feel that lovey feeling with this new guy/girl you just met right? hehehhe. Because that feeling is supposed to last forever right? mmmmmm.

 

Anyways, just somethings to think about. Apart from unhealthy abusive relationships (emotional/physical/spiritual abuse), I would definitely think that it seems that we are not really ready for healthy committed relationships nowadays. Or perhaps its to do with age and maturity aswell.

 

Peace.

[atigdng]

Yes, I think that people nowadays are alot more apt to try a new relationship because of a few thing,

Falling in love is like the best thing to do so they hope they can do it again and have minimal damage from there previous relationship, when in all reality if they would be less selfish and try to help and meet there special someones needs then the other will be more willing to listen to your needs and you work as a team this way and eevryone is happy.

 

unfortunately people don't realise that you won't always have that in love feeling if you are not always working hard to give them what they need. Then they think he does not love me? He isn't doing this or that etc. while he is saying she doesn't love me because she doesn't do this or that etc.

What you have to understand is that people have different love languages

there are 5 of them:

 

 

Qualitly Time

Acts of Service

Words of Affrimation

Physical Touch

Gift Giving

 

Most people have one of these that is most important to them even though they may not realise it themselves.

 

Normally the love language that you would like to receive is the one that you yourself would speak. Say your Husband, when he comes home from work comes in and washes the dishes, mows the lawn and etc. but you don't feel loved because you feel like he is rejecting you and not spending time with you. well maybe you appreciate Quality Time the most where as he feels like he is doing his best to serve you because that is how he would like being loved. The trick is to find your mates primary love language and speak that too. You need to become bilingual.

 

Nowadays people move on to fast and don't give it the effort that it deserves. If they would just realize that it is no simple matter to get married and that it should be a forever ordeal.

 

THat is how I see it, sorry for the long post

[Soulfully]

Yes, agreed with atigdng.

 

I would also like to add that our parents may also have an influence over how we view relationships. I mean, my parents have been married for over 30 years, and I've seen them go through many ups and downs, and even considering divorce. They havent really had any issues to do with infidelity (not that Im aware of anyways hehe), but other problems due to work stress, emotional needs not being met, different personality traits, jealousy... all of these and more have caused my parents to have bad moments. Yet they worked through these issues and are still determined to work through more issues that may arise in the future because they truly treasure each other. There have been many more precious and positive moments than negative ones.

 

I look at them, and I truly envy them. They have developed more than a love for each other. Are they IN love with each other? Dont know. Do they love each other and appreciate each other as partners in life? Definitely. Their bond is stronger than anything else...its not all lovey duby like many years ago obviously, but what they have now is richer and deeper than that. Its true partnership, through thick and thin...they know it, they appreciate it, and they love each other immensely still after 30 years of marriage. Yet the road hasnt been easy, but they tell me that what they have now, has definitely been worth the struggle and hard work.

 

How does this influence me? Well... you can imagine hehe. Not easy, and I know things have changed a lot, but still...its nice to gain a mature insight towards love and relationships.

 

Peace.

[princesa]

You're definitely right, nowadays people tend to

 

1) want just the best bits of a relationship, as soon as it turns dull or problems arise, it's easier to move on than to have a look into the mirror

2) have too much choice, want to have everything and everybody

3) do everything fast: love, relationships incl. Anything that takes time has a lable "Why bother".

4) want to be eternally in love, that's the best feeling and helps to make all other things (stress, challanges, ageing...) more bearable. Distraction.

 

I don't want to go into the details of how things have changed with the freedom and emancipation etc - but they have. It makes me sad...you share so much with someone and after a while you break up and when you meet after some time you only feel this stich in you heart, if even that...Love is an illusion?

 

Princesa

[Day_Walker]

Well there is a reason why people break up instad of fixing problems and i would argue that they didnt love eachother in the first place. Notice that I didnt say "in love", because being "in love" doesnt exist, because how can you really fall out of something that strong. It bothers me that people make these dramatic confessions of being in love, then they break up. It doesnt make any sense, its just something that people want to hold onto to give meaning to their lives. People dont realize the implication of their actions and this causes their own problems.

[Scout]

Well there is a reason why people break up instad of fixing problems and i would argue that they didnt love eachother in the first place. Notice that I didnt say "in love", because being "in love" doesnt exist, because how can you really fall out of something that strong. It bothers me that people make these dramatic confessions of being in love, then they break up. It doesnt make any sense, its just something that people want to hold onto to give meaning to their lives. People dont realize the implication of their actions and this causes their own problems.

 

The thing is, the "passion and infatutation" stage is often confused with true love. And when that stage passes into another one (and it always does!) people feel like the love is gone or wasn't there to begin with.

 

The sad thing is, the relationship was actually moving in the direction of true love before someone called it off because it was getting to be "too hard" or "they don't want to answer to anyone."

 

I have heard more and more people say "True love shouldn't take work."

 

I think this is a bad mistake for people to actually believe this.

 

Day_Walker says and I agree that people do not want to take responsibility for the fact that their actions have implications. This is another problem in relationships. We tend to think we can dump all over our partners - in a way we never would with our friends. Why is that? And why are people so shocked when a partner eventually gets sick of it and leaves?

 

So, I'm sort of saying conflicting things here, but not sure how to reconcile the two. 1) It takes work to make a relationship last and 2) Our actions have an affect on our relationships, and sometimes, they are extreme enough that no amount of work can salvage the relationship.

 

I guess the moral here is work hard, and curb your tendency to use your partner as your dumping ground for all your negative feelings.