Anyone else's ex try to make themselves a martyr?

[TRM38]

I was with my ex for over 6 yrs, we split up a couple times( each the same cycle, I pretty much beg, she gets angry, then tries to make herself out to be a martyr.. Wishing well hope u find a great woman that treats u how u deserve, would b sooo happy for u ( adding the appearance jokes, I only hope she's chubbier than me, maybe not as tall) I'm very partial to tall curvy brunettes lol .. But she acts like she genuinely wants me to b happy and how I deserve it , How shes at peace with the break up and in a better place .. We cut contact , a month later she realizes what she gave up and wants to b together?? This same pattern has happened 2 times now, and going on a third , what's up with the martyrdom?

[humanity]

I've done the same thing. And I think I said those things because I was trying to make the BU as amicable as possible. And I was possibly fishing - wanting to see how he responded, to see if he has anyone in mind.

 

Since you ex is now wanting to get back together, I think she said those things because in the back of her mind, she *knew* she wasn't done with you. And she didn't want the BU to be hateful since she kinda knew she would probably chase your tail again.

[lavenderdove]

Well, if she's a decent person and still in love with you, she's struggling with knowing she should let you go and wish you well, but not quite being able to let you go. She could trying to take the high road, but then her emotions kick in and she panics at being alone and start clinging to you again in hopes you'll get back together.

 

Or if she's a not so nice person and very passive aggressive and manipulative, then this is just attempts to manipulate you and play mind games. Surprisingly, manipulating and guilting actually gives people a lot of power as a tool to push someone in the direction they want you to go without being open and honest about.

 

And some people who are mentally screwed up are very conflicted and manipulative. Their emotions jitter all over the place and change from day to day and you never know what you're going to get from them.

 

With people who use guilt or manipulation, the important thing to do is decide what is right for YOU then you draw the line and stand your ground and don't fall for any manipulation or let it 'work' for her. If you want to get back with her just make that very clear and outline the conditions that need to happen for that to take place, then if she cooperates good, but if she jerks you around, then tell her to stop and that if she doesn't you won't stay in contact with her at all (and mean it and carry that out). If you're sick of this and want it to be over, then just tell her that being friends doesn't work and it is time to let go and stop contacting each other.

[TRM38]

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear.. She's only at the wishing well, genuinely cares, wants me to b happy, find someone that loves me, I left big shoes to fill stage .. She doesn't want to b back together , iv just seen this pattern a couple times from her and its identical .. Yes we r on our 3rd breakup in 6 yrs, we do love each other and neither has cheated, abused the other .. We just have a hard time getting on the same page at the same time and keep making the same stupid mistakes when we got back together in the past ..

[annie24]

If you really want to move on, then it's probably best to cut contact.

[TRM38]

I agree with u that's prob best, it's just a hard decision to make as I'm sure all here know .. It amazes me but after everything I do care for her and wouldn't want her feeling like I do..that's a major issue I have in itself

[pl3asehelp]

I don't see her behvaior as that of a martyr. If you're not happy with her and she loves you, why wouldn't she wish you the best? Why would you want anything other than happiness for someone you love?

[TRM38]

I agree with your comment but my point is that her and I have been down this road 2 times b4 this, exact same order of the things she says her reactions everything..and then a month or 2 later she comes crying back saying she didn't notice all the things she was lucky to have from me.. I was happy with her, she was def one in a million to me ... What I don't understand is why she says she would b honestly so happy if I found a good woman but then a month or 2 later comes back..

[Lawrencium123]

My ex said similar stuff to me "you're so good looking, I bet you'll find someone way better looking than me" etc etc. At the time it felt like an attempt to let me down easily, and as it turned out she had already planned to hook up with her new bf months before so clearly that's exactly what she was doing!

 

What has she done during these other break ups? Seen other guys? Did that not work out so she came back? I guess you need to decide if you want this cycle to continue or not.