If you have doubts about NC, here's the best argument I have

[raccoon]

I blew any chance I might have ever had in getting my love back.

 

As much as I advocated it on this board and kept telling myself not to reach out to my ex, I broke No Contact several times after my breakup. It was just too easy.

 

There was always some excuse. Asking for my stuff back, sending a happy birthday message, sending a short friendly e-mail to set the foundation for a future friendship. The truth is, I didn't care about any of that. I just wanted a connection with the one person I couldn't stop thinking about. I actually deluded myself into thinking that there were acceptable reasons to reach out to him. That it was ok... it was just this one time... and then that will be it. After I send this one e-mail THEN I will start NC!

 

None of it gets us anywhere. I'd give anything to go back to the moment he left me so that I could stop myself from making those mistakes. I'm pretty sure that if I never said another word to him, it's likely he would have eventually reached out to me. Even just to say hello. That would have been more satisfying than what I have now.

 

The best defense mechanisim for us is to disappear completely. Just vanish and let them feel our absense. Rather than be annoyed by us, let them miss us. Let them feel hurt. It worked on me once when I broke up with someone; after a few months, I came running back. Then he got the satisfaction of rejecting me in the end. He got his closure.

 

But every time I reached out to the man who left me almost three months ago now, I was disappointed. When I didn't get the response I wanted, it was like he left me all over again. and again. and again.

 

Now, instead of thinking of me fondly, he thinks of me as the annoying guy who couldn't let go, who kept badgering. I was foolishly trying to prove to him that I was changing and becoming a better, more attractive person. It must have seemed so transparent. And now, because of all this, I wrecked it. We won't ever see each other again.

 

Please, if you've recently been dumped, I feel for you, I really do. It's so hard. But please don't pick up that phone. Don't e-mail. Whenever you get the thought in your head that you should reach out and try to contact, STOP! Tell yourself that whatever the reason is, whatever excuse you're using to justify contact, the REAL reason you are wanting to contact is because you want him/her back. And you just can't do it by annoying them. You have to leave them alone. Not for their sake, but for yours.

 

Good luck.

[hurtbylove]

I know.. that I still want her back

 

and yes, I am planning stupid stuff to get in contact with her again.

 

I know it's dumb and I will 99.9999% not get the response I expect.

 

But I also know.. I'm probably going to do it anyway.

 

Hope is stupid like that. That and I have such trouble letting go.

 

I have some elaborate scheme that will fail and probably leave me crushed.

 

 

I know she has forgotten about me. That she is happy with her life and I am left here alone. I have waited and waited.

 

She isn't coming back and I can feel it

[aireyc]

Life sucks, but your post is so true. Just stay away!

 

Chris

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

Well, setting emotions aside, we can think of it in a more pragmatic way.

 

If the other person is not interested in us, why should we be interested in them?

 

Isn't it a sign of weakness, dependency?

 

When we feel bad about a break up, it is often merely feeling sorry for ourselves. "Oh, how poor we are, left alone, undeserved".

 

But if we forget about ourselves and satisfying our own needs, we can realize and learn to coop with situation on another level, being free, independent, self-sufficient.

[Empathy]

It's really hard to lose interest in someone that you've thought of as the most wonderful person in the world; the person that seemed to harbor every quality that you sought out in an individual; the person that used to cheer you up when no one else could; who could give you so much life during the times that you didn't think living could be possible; the person who's name could just be spoken and that alone would invoke a whole array of positive emotions, a genuine smile. It's hard to free yourself of feelings that you had for the person you LIVED for. Especially if they, at one time, felt the same way about you. Something so good is hard to just leave behind, even if they left you behind with out a care or a second thought. People say "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," and sometimes I believe that. But if you've never experienced love then you wouldn't have to experience the torture of knowing what you're missing...

 

But I have to keep telling myself that one day I will find someone else that is worth living for and the memory of my ex will become a tiny ember of what used to be and nothing more.

[hurtbylove]

empathy empathizes with my sentiments exactly.

[heartbroken_f]

I totally agree with you empathy. It is so hard to totally let go of someone and never contact them again when they meant the world to you. The guy I loved for 4 yrs (and still do to this day) betrayed me, but at one stage he was my everything. Just thinking about him brought a smile to my face and simply speaking to him would make my day.

 

It has been almost one year now that I have endured NC and there are times when I struggle to maintain that - times when I just feel like picking up the phone and calling him or writing him an email just because I feel it. It is the hardest thing to do to stay away from him but I do it because I've been hurt. He ruined my world and never even apologised - so if he wanted me back, I will let him make contact with me (it's sad to say but I probably would forgive him if he wanted to come back into my life).

 

The NC concept is a good idea to prove that love just isn't enough sometimes, but damn it hurts like nothing else. So for all of you doing that right now, take each day as it comes and hopefully there will be sunshine after the rain...

[DrNick]

Raccoon, you're right on the money! If only I had read your post 6 months ago I had a very acrimonious split with my ex. I then proceeded to try to talk to her, sent her a letter, tried to be friendly, etc., and every time she would cut me down and make me feel terrible about myself. In the end I realised how destructive my behaviour was. I deleted her number from my mobile, deleted all the text messages we had sent each other, deleted all emails, removed anything that was a reminder of her (presents, cards, etc.).

 

In a couple of months I was feeling 100% better, and I then met someone new who is an order of magnitude better than my ex. I sit here now and still wonder how I thought that I would never get over my ex. If she called now, I could honestly say I have no interest in her whatsoever. I am a big believer in NC now. It certainly helped me piece myself back together.

[Clarabelle]

Things are getting better. I wish I could say that some new love interest had showed up in my life, even though my husband is convinced I have found someone (he asks our little girl all the time who my friend is - but that's because I've cut off contact with him). I wish I could really have full NC with him. I wish also I could say with absolute certainty that I didn't want him anymore AT ALL, but I miss him sometimes and my little girl really misses him. She also does not want to go to his new apt and have his new GF babysit for her - she was very negative about the GF. I asked my husband to spend time with our daughter when he could take care of her and spend time with her all the time,not when he was going to leave her with his GF. I wish I could have an opportunity to try again with my husband, but if that's ever going to happen, the impulse can't come from me. He has to be the one who makes amends, not me.