Women?

[sisterlynch]

I have a question for the ladies, but everyone is welcome to answer if you like:

 

When you lose interest in someone, and they don't get the message, and you slip into the friendship dilemma, do you realize how much you are hurting the guy by doing that?

 

I have been talking to 3 different guys who are dealing with someone that they would like to know better, but for one reason or another the woman just will not commit to a relationship.

 

What is that? Can anyone give me some insight into why you can't seem to tell a guy that you just want a friendship in the first place, and not lead them on so much! It is very confusing to me why we do this.

[mademoiselle_amelie]

Well sisterlynch,

I think that women don't understand that subtle hints just don't work on men! I guess we try to be nice about the whole thing ...i know it's a misteke.

From personal experience, I find that as soon as i tell a guy that i want to be friends, they end up hating me! For me guys either want to be with me in a romantic way or have nothing to do with me!! I envy women who are able to just be friends with a guy.

[S4il]

I had this happen to me a while back, girl played with my mind, we flirted for weeks, and as time passed she just sort of "lost interest" it confused the hell out of me and left me not wanting to speak to her b/c i felt as thow she had played with my emotions, which she did, she had told me soon after that she saw me as only a "friend" i thought to myself "well thanks for telling me that after you kissed me 7 times in one night"

 

her excuse "oh, well I was drunk"

 

I thought it was a good way to put things only after she flirted with me for weeks, and too just Push the dagger deeper into my heart, that was already trying to heal from what she had said about only being friends, the flirtatious behavior after that wasn't reciprocal anymore, hell it wasn't even from me, i burned the bridges of communication, I knew that all it was for was attention, maybe it's the whole "women like a challenge" sort of thing? just a thought, i showed interest back and it got me no where.

 

*Sucks to think about it* but sometimes you have to face the truth

 

I took me a while to clear her from my mind, something even better happened, i meet someone better than her.... and you know what i was glad i did, as for the girl who broke my heart and left me with nothing but empty promises about everything and anything..she still wonder why i don't speak to her, like she wants me to write it in blood.

 

she was and always will be in my mind A WASTE OF TIME

[Mun]

I but for one reason or another the woman just will not commit to a relationship.

 

 

I might want to stay friends with someone that I care about, I just don't have the time for a relationship at the moment..and I don't want to lose the friendship.

 

why you can't seem to tell a guy that you just want a friendship in the first place, and not lead them on so much! It is very confusing to me why we do this.

 

I think it's hard to tell someone " sorry buddy I'm just not interested in you that way? " It's easier to say " can we still be friends?" ...In my case if I'm not interested in someone I won't waste my time or theirs.

[gersanos]

I've had this happen to me once before, and naturally, I wanted nothing to do with her. I saw all the red flags, but it was only over the course of a week. What's worse is that she kept talking to me about making things work. We dated only a few months.

 

Her response after she told me this was "do you hate me?" Uh, honey, any man hearing those words has just received the death sentence. And for some reason she got very upset and angry when I rejected friends. Guess I threw a wrench in her plans. You don't go from having sex a few days ago with me to telling me let's be friends.

 

It would have been much easier on me if she just right away said that she's not 100% sure of us, and that it isn't fair to me. I would have been much more understanding and just left on good terms.

[S4il]

I'd rather have a women tell me

 

"No chance of becoming more than friends"

 

Rather than playing with my emotions for weeks, making me feel like a minimal use play toy, destroying my confidence temporality i assure you, leaving me extremely confused, in a state of mind in which i couldn't even function at work, and many other emotions i wouldn't want to re-surface in my mind, because iv 'e undoubtedly taken all of what she stripped me of, and turned it around, and i have no regrets, None what so ever... and I'm sure other men will agree with me

 

"Turning cold towards a women who does something as cold as what gersanos had done to him, or close to it.. that the women doesn't deserve a friendship with the man"

[hurtbylove]

Just like most girls don't tell you they have a boyfriend unless you ask directly. They like the attention that they get.

 

That said, it's really hard to ask someone to just say to a "friend" that they have no chance in hell and should just stop trying. It makes them look really mean and heartless.

 

It's all a state of mind. Don't let yourself be led on so easily by women. Flirt, but don't think too much of it. It's not like there is a commitment there. It's just play.

 

I know it hurts S4il, but take a step back. People will do what is in their best interest. They're not looking out for you, or your feelings. They probably don't care about you. Don't put them on a pedestal and let them use you.

 

Some girls are like sirens, drawing nice guys to their doom. Try to recognize them and know what you are getting into.

 

Until you have mututal decision to have a relationship, it's all fun and games

[gwynna]

I'm so blunt when it comes to guys that it's a lot of my problem.

 

I'm very clear that I'm up for only friendship. I don't say "at this point" or anything else that leads to abiguity. I'm trying to change my own mind atm about dating. I don't need or want complications.

 

Guys tend to fall into three categories with me on this:

 

First there are the ones that say okay, and then drift off to find someone interested in whatever they have in mind (these are the casual relationship seekers and the offended).

 

Then there are the ones that say great, we are friends and then turn around in a couple weeks or months and become aggressive, trying to convince me that I just want to be chased both emotionally and physically. Even when I dated I preferred gentle and slow, nice, and even shy guys. I stop the friendship right there and burn the bridge.

 

And the good ones are still my friends and good ones at that. I know I won't change my mind about one of them, and they learn that I'm a fabulous friend to have.

 

When I develope a crush, it is likely someone I'm not ever going to be able to become friends with. So I can't really understand chasing someone and losing interest. I'd rather be honest or be at a distance.

 

Gwynna

[Lily04]

Yeah, I really realize that now.

 

There was one guy last year who really liked me, and initially I liked him was a bit flirty, perhaps but then after talking with him more I realized I didn't really like him in that way. We never went out, and I was really just friendly with him, I don't think I was flirtatious ever after that. I asked to borrow some class notes once because I missed a few lectures and gave him my # and we agreed to meet at my residence (where there was a free photocopier) to get the notes. There he was really nervous and I tried to be nice & friendly, but never flirtatious. The point was just to get the notes, and I'm sorry if he interpreted it as more (I thought he might.) But I really needed it..

 

Afterwards I realized that he still really liked me & felt uncomfortable because he tried to be really distant in class, wouldn't sit with me anymore, etc. So I decided to just sit with my other friends instead of him, if that's the way he wanted it..didn't really think of it much.

 

Then this year I saw him in one of my classes and said 'hi' and he just completely ignored me. I repeated his name a few times, and he obviously heard me but just ignored me altogether. I guess I really hurt him..BUT I mean, we never even went out!! And he's ignoring me completely! It's not like we need to be friends even (to be honest..I feel really bad about this, but I didn't even know his name until I asked him for the notes. We weren't even that close) But is saying 'hi' all that hard? it's not like he asked me out or we ever did anything together..I think he's just being insecure & immature. Some guys need to be less sensitive..if you had sex w/a girl and then she says, 'let's just be friends', that I can 100% understand. But just after borrowing notes, or talking a few times in lecture & then ignoring her altogether because that was supposedly leading you on or because I never asked him for a date or something?! Men.

[gersanos]

Well that one girl I dated, we actually were in a relationship together, which was mutual, AND she really chased after me in the beginning AND had a huge crush on me. She said "I love you" to me after a couple of months of knowing me, always called, always wanted to be with me, etc. It was one of those relationships that I can never explain what happened. Maybe too much of a good thing too quickly.

 

There was this week of red flags, us arguing on and off, her crying quite a bit, mentioning she's not happy all of a sudden, etc. It was tough for me because there were no signs before this, so I don't know if she suppressed it for some time or not. During this we were still physical as well. Heck, we had sex few days before we brokeup. Then she coldly tells me let's just be friends, and argues with me when I said no. haha. Maybe we just had one hell of a fight dragged out for a week. Who knows. Either way, it did hurt. I accepted her decision, but it still hurt.

[sisterlynch]

It seems like the most painful memories are the ones that started quickly and ended quickly also.

 

Maybe the women just wanted to spend some time with the guys and the guys interpreted the behavior as meaning something other than what the girls had intended. When the girl realized that she had his attention, she felt like he had been too easy to win over, so she needed to push him away.

 

Do we all agree that it is at least a little dishonest to play like you like someone when you don't? We know what is in our hearts, and we know how to play like we don't care on the outside, but it is more fun to play with someone else's heart strings.

 

For the guys is it like the old saying --if it seems too good, then it probably is too good??

 

 

 

 

 

[johnagent1911]

This thread is killing me. I'm actually talking to a girl right now and I have no clue if she likes me or just likes me as a friend. Anyhow I guess I'll stop talking to her. Only because I can't be friends with someone I want more than just friendship.

[gersanos]

Ya, it hurt, but once that all passed, I began to laugh about it a lot. It was very strange: it took off so quickly and was very intense, it then ended quickly and cold, the pain lingered for a bit, but then the memories faded quickly as well.

 

This girl did not play me and she was genuine. She was everything that I wanted, and gave me the world. I treated her really well as well. We both mentioned when we were together that this is too good to be true, and that it's like a fairy tale, etc.

 

Strange how these things work, but today when I look back I laugh about it. I truly don't know what happened. But man, "let's just be friends" hurt. Rather she tell me I'm a terrible boyfriend, but she said I wasn't. But girls, or guys, if you've been with someone, then just see them as only a friend, why would you throw a tantrum if the other party rejects it? For crying out loud, you're the one that just dumped me cold. Talk about wanting her cake and eating it too.

[hurtbylove]

This thread is killing me. I'm actually talking to a girl right now and I have no clue if she likes me or just likes me as a friend. Anyhow I guess I'll stop talking to her. Only because I can't be friends with someone I want more than just friendship.

 

Why. Take the leap. Show her your cards and see what happens.

 

I'm a shy guy, this summer I did that. I told a girl I had a crush on her. I got rejected. It was .. liberating? The doubt was gone, I had done all I could. I just liked her, I wasn't destroyed by her rejection.

 

I still would like to talk to her, she's cool to hang out with or else I wouldn't have liked her. It's not as bad as people make it out to be.

 

Honestly, it's not her fault you feel the way you do. You are responsible for your own feelings. It's a damn harsh world out there. Not everyone is looking out for you. You get rejected, pick up the pieces and move on.

[mahlina]

When I lose interest in a guy, I'll keep my distance, keep the conversations short and casual, and avoid hanging out with him in general. If he insists on hanging out, then I'll make up excuses and say that I can't. If he hints on being more than just friends, I'll use my ex as an excuse and say, "I'm not over him yet". Then afterwards, I'll still be nice, but will really keep my distance and avoid contact as much as possible.

 

In the case of friendships with the ex, and them wanting to get back together, I'll say: "I'm glad that we can still friends. You're so much like a brother!" Afterwards, I'll do what I normally do: avoid contact.

 

Avoiding contact is the most subtle approach to letting a guy know that I just see him more as a friend.

[gersanos]

I guess it's just maybe a matter of the person. Whenever I lost interest in a girl, and this happened to me because there was someone else that I was into more, I simply told her that it's just best to go our separate ways. I havn't done that since high school early college though. Back then I just jumped around relationships, but now I look for something steady. I never used the friends line because that's ridiculous, unless the break-up was mutual, which never happened in my life thus far.

 

If a girl I date eventually looks at me as only a friend, then ya, it'll hurt for a bit, but I'll get over it. Even then though, I still will never be friends with her. Just a matter of principle with me. If she doesn't like me, then that's fine, my life will go on, but without her in the pic ever again.

[shellie12345]

For me when I am getting along really well with a guy who I see only as a friend I tend to become oblivious to the signs that he may have been giving me. I am the type of person who gets caught up in the way that I am feeling and I tend to overlook the way the other person is feeling, because I feel so strongly about something. I know this seems stupid, but to be honest I think a lot of girls fall under the same category. When a guy is spending a lot of time with you and you are having a great time together sometimes you overlook the obvious.

[mahlina]

I don't see anything wrong with saying that ex's can be friends. It's more like keeping the friendship on an acqaintances level. You can be friends, in order to keep things at peace with each other. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll still be close. It's good to keep things on good terms with the ex, even if the relationship didn't work out for the best. I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to live life with regrets. If two people aren't simply meant for each other, then it doesn't mean that they should be enemies and hate each other forever. Living life with grudges is one of the worst ways to carry on from a break-up. It only makes life 10x's worse.

[chanceit]

I like rejection, rejection is good.

 

not as good as someone saying yes obviously.

 

but rejection is good.

 

I hate being messed about.

 

So i have a new rule!

 

If you know someone's is messing about with you (and its not that hard to tell - lack of communication is normally the best indicator - if someones serious about you as a friend or otherwise they will be more than happy to talk things though about your relationship)- just tell them you are not interested and just want to be friends, and keep to it.

 

It will teach people mess about with you.

 

The lesson i've learnt is i think is:

 

If you think you are totally in love - you arnt.

 

don't trust your heart - it picks randomly

don;t trust your **** - it picks poorly

so trust ya head and ya instints from now on!

[gersanos]

Mahlina - If it ends on good terms, then sure. A do think that it's a good thing to remain friends with X's, but the situation I referred went down like this which I posted a while back on a different forum:

 

I told an X no contact when we broke-up. I was willing to work on our relationship, but she wasn't for whatever reasons. She is the one who made the decision to break-up, and I respect that. She asked if we're still friends, and I said no. She went ballistic on me, argued, and wanted to know why not because there are shades of gray she claims. I told her that (1) you are the one that wanted to break-up, (2) ironically it happened when I had a lot of stuff going on in my life were you weren't even a friend to me or supportive, (3) you were a bi^&h to me the past 2 weeks, you don't care, and I don't want people like that in my life, and (4) I need time to heal. Stop claiming to me that we are "best friends," friends don't even do that to one another. They are there for one another. I told her that it's best if we just stay out of each other's lives at this point. I told her to stay completely out of mine. I have had enough of her. She continued to argue, and her last defense was about being civil when we see each other at school. I told her that we'll worry about that when we cross paths. I didn't argue with her or angrily tell her these things, but she got defensive because she couldn't get what she wanted, but, she has respected my requests per sa.

 

We're talking about a girl here that fell madly in love with me from the onset, one that I fell for eventually, and then she goes icey cold over a 2 week period and ends it saying let's be friends, even though we had a great relationship, it was healthy, and I did nothing wrong supposedly, but things weren't "perfect" anymore. Man did that hurt, but good riddance.

[Alabama]

It's always hurt me, whenever a girl doesn't like or simply rejects me...but I make it a promise, to at the least be friends with her...well I'm still friends with a lot of girls who I have liked and who have rejected me...it would be far worse to lose the girl I like forever and never see her again, rather then lose her and at least be friends with her.

[gersanos]

The girl rejected you by saying lets be friends because she isn't romantically interested in you or she lost romantic interest in you. Why would you want to be friends with her? I know I wouldn't. I'm not looking for a friend when I met a girl, I'm looking for a lover. I have plenty of friends already.

 

Learn how to read non-verbal communication. If a girl is interested in you, there are a ton of signs she gives you. Learn what these are. Non-verbal communication is a HUGE part of communication. Even before she says one word to you, you'll know if she's interested in you romantically or not. A person can say anything they want to, but you can tell if they are being true to their word or not by studying their body language, behavior and actions.