Why Worry About Pushing Ex Away?

[leftme]

I'm just curious why we avoid pushing them away. I mean yes you may want them back but why do we think it's good to not push them (contact them) when they've decided they don't want to be with us (they'd be happier with someone else).

 

Can someone really change their mind because you don't do a thing? Not that doing anything would.

 

It's just I often read you'll only push them away by doing X, Y and Z.

 

Discuss...

[duke nukem]

People and relationships are complicated enough when it comes to conscious processes. However, there's a lot that goes on subconsciously, and appearing needy will make you look unattractive in one form or another. So if you don't look needy, it's likely you won't look bad. Or at least as bad.

[kittykitty]

I'm torn with this. I think it's a good thing to go NC to work on yourselves and move on.

 

My recent ex and I broke up. He would tell me he loved me so much but his actions proved otherwise while in the relationship. I broke up and it had a lot to do with not feeling like he actually felt that way because of how he behaved. I have not contacted him, he has not contacted me. As the dumper, I feel it just proves my point and makes me feel more confident that I actually didn't mean that much to him.

 

Not that contact is a good thing, or that I want him to contact me but for someone who supposedly loved me that much, and me leaving because I didn't feel like he meant it (and telling him this) just shows me I was right.

 

It all depends on what happened though and why you broke up

[unhappy2000]

Agree with this, if I were to contact my EX it wouldn't be good I don't think. He felt "too into" the relationship where he couldn't find his way out without me, so contacting him would push him away.

[FrenchFries]

It saves your dignity! If they don't want to be with us and say they'd be happier with someone else why continue to force yourself on them? Why not let them be?

[kittykitty]

But I think that is a generalization. Not everyone dumps someone because they want to be happier with someone else or they feel like the grass is greener - in these instances yes, go ahead and go NC for sure to save your self respect. But sometimes a dumper may really want to be with their ex but it's the ex who is pushing them away with a change in behavior/attitude and the dumper is just protecting themselves and no longer allowing themselves to be treated less than they should.

 

So in some instances, yes - it can save your dignity but in other instances it can make you look cold and unemotional and just make the dumper feel they are right.

[kittykitty]

This is also why NC really has nothing to do with games, but has everything to do with healing and getting over it so you can move on.

[Avila]

The fear of pushing them away is tied to not being able to let them go. I think once you get away from the fear of letting them go, you ultimately are moving on and it draws them back! Lol.

 

I think if any relationship is going to get a second chance you have to be okay with it not working out and being able to move on. This is why NC is so effective. It gives you time to heal and reflect. It also keeps you from staying in a destructive cycle. It's healthy.

 

Also I think if someone breaks up with you (or you them for something they need to chase after you for.) than just let them go. Don't chase them. They'll come back to you if it's meant to happen.

[leftme]

In my case she no longer feels in love with me after 4 years... She's seeing another guy now though... That's to be expected because she emotionally detached long ago from what I understand.

 

I'm keeping my dignity obviously by staying silent but she hasn't given me a second thought in the last 4 weeks so I'm starting to think why not just let rip? haha.

[Streetbob]

I'm just curious why we avoid pushing them away. I mean yes you may want them back but why do we think it's good to not push them (contact them) when they've decided they don't want to be with us (they'd be happier with someone else).

 

Can someone really change their mind because you don't do a thing? Not that doing anything would.

 

It's just I often read you'll only push them away by doing X, Y and Z.

 

Discuss...

 

My thinking is this:

If the breakup was not too messy, why not leave her with a positive final memory of an empowered, less needy you! That is what she will remember.

 

Just remember that winning an ex back is not a sprint. It is more likely a marathon and the ex might go through a few different relationships before they find themselves back with you.

All of the NC "manuals" say you should walk away with your head held high, wishing the ex good luck with life etc. I agree with this because this is the decent thing to do.

 

Whatever has passed has passed.

 

SB

[leftme]

My thinking is this:

If the breakup was not too messy, why not leave her with a positive final memory of an empowered, less needy you! That is what she will remember.

 

Just remember that winning an ex back is not a sprint. It is more likely a marathon and the ex might go through a few different relationships before they find themselves back with you.

All of the NC "manuals" say you should walk away with your head held high, wishing the ex good luck with life etc. I agree with this because this is the decent thing to do.

 

Whatever has passed has passed.

 

SB

 

You probably have the right attitude. It is my opinion at the moment that my ex needs to get it out of her system and experience a few relationships to determine if our 'first love' was in fact love. I am happy to let her go because I love her and if our paths do not cross again I hope she finds the happiness I would have tried to provide her.

 

I remember as we broke up she said "what's next? marriage, kids? I'm not ready for that" among a few other things. The funny thing being I never mentioned marriage I just said I wouldn’t have been with you for four years if I didn’t see a future for us. It was her family who kept saying “oooh, he’ll be proposing soon” etc. I cringed when they said it in the final weeks as I knew she was getting cold feet.

 

I wrote her a letter 2 weeks after the break up and told her I wish her all the best and there’s no hard feelings as I understand the break-up was needed (painful to say but I meant it and therefore was happy to write it). It’s now 33 days since the break up and I know she’s seeing someone she likes (he seems a nice guy) so it could last a few years like we did.

 

I’m not waiting around. I have a date tonight at my place and this girl is much more worldly wise compared to my ex (part of our downfall was that I needed to guide her a lot). My ex believes she’s become independent but I am the only one in the relationship who is independent.

 

We had a flat together and my ex would wait for her mother to come round and clean up the place. Her mother would buy our TV licence when I said I didn’t want one. Her mum and dad would pick her up from work and drop her off at our home. I couldn’t get my head around it. Her parents smothered her and when she moved in with me she was treated like an adult.

 

I did a lot for her though even at the end, I ran her baths, surprised her with treats from shopping, picked her up if it was raining, took her to her fav restaurant all the time, told her to go out with her friends every time she was asked.

 

Initially I moved 300 miles from home after 1 year of LDR whilst I was at college (no guy she meets in the future I don’t think will be able to say they made such effort to be with her). I dedicated a lot to her but I am successful in my studies and my career prospects are tremendous so her leaving has in effect opened my prospects further. I can now move wherever I wish once I qualify.

 

It’s swings and roundabouts. I loved her with all my heart, but at my age (22) chances are we wouldn’t last continuously. If in 10 years our paths cross and she’s more mature (and single) maybe there will be a more mutual bond where we are ready to settle.

 

Or maybe I’ll meet someone in 5 years that blows my mind and I never look back. Only time will tell but I certainly have no intention of installing myself in her life now after she has made this decision.

[mhowe]

In my case she no longer feels in love with me after 4 years... She's seeing another guy now though... That's to be expected because she emotionally detached long ago from what I understand.

 

I'm keeping my dignity obviously by staying silent but she hasn't given me a second thought in the last 4 weeks so I'm starting to think why not just let rip? haha.

 

Because it will make you look angry and bitter. If you want to toss your dignity on the bonfire, go ahead. But it gets you nothing -- not even peace of mind. You will feel worse.

[leftme]

Because it will make you look angry and bitter. If you want to toss your dignity on the bonfire, go ahead. But it gets you nothing -- not even peace of mind. You will feel worse.

 

I know, that's why I wrote the above. Obviously I still go through the emotions throughout the day - hence writing that originally.

[mhowe]

Thinking about her w/ the other guy will bring those thoughts on. Try as hard as you can no to think of her at all.

[leftme]

Thinking about her w/ the other guy will bring those thoughts on. Try as hard as you can no to think of her at all.

 

Yeah. i know. I kind of accepted the moment she dumped me that there would be someone filling my place at any point from the next day to the next month. So it was no shock or adding of aditional hurt. It's more the fact of her waiting until her birthday was out of the way and then as it came up to mine she ended it that has riled me.