Is it possible to never get over someone?

[t39babydoddle]

Especially if you've had the one person

you've always wanted and who was

perfect for you? My best friend is going

through a break up and 6 months in, she

says everything still reminds her of him.

Being happy, sad, angry, or expressing

any emotion for that matter. Music in

general reminds her of him. Not eating,

eating something nice or eating too

much reminds her of him. And because

of this, she is on default sad mode. What

is the best advise to give her? Is it

possible to never get over it?

[markie6]

There isn't really a time frame for getting over somebody. I know from my own experiences it has taken me a couple of years to finally be over somebody in the past. I am sure there are many cases of longer too. Some people move on easilly and others struggle and that's only because we are not all the same. The best advice I got here , with my recent breakup is to keep yourself busy as possible, make sure you're not dragging it out by remaining in contact and try and forgive and forget. You don't have to tell somebody you forgive them but it can bring a little inner peace if you let go of any anger.

[iamkaylee]

Everyone has their own time when it comes to getting over things and moving forward. 6 months is not that long for some.

 

I would encourage your friend to accept that it is over (doesn't sound like she really has) and actively try to move on. Constantly dwelling on the past keeps you stuck there. Stop listening to music, eating certain things for awhile may help. If she's seriously depressed she may need counseling for awhile.

[t39babydoddle]

I've told her all of that, including the fact that she should stop listening to music. She says that by stopping, she's just going to link it more to him. She's tried running, hiding, forgetting and that hasn't worked. Now she's just so sad about it, that it's become her natural state. She is usually busy and appears fine outwardly. I honestly don't know how to help her. When I try, she says I don't understand and I just don't get it. And she says she'd rather not confide in me with this, because I don't understand. So she's shutting me out, whilst confiding in somebody who will 'understand' so to speak. It hurts that I'm being shut out like this. I just wish I could help her. She makes her situation seem so hopeless. Another thing worth noting - the both of them split because of religious differences. So nothing went wrong in the relationship, it was just the religion factor. Very bitter sweet. I suppose that makes it that much worse

[Liraele]

There is always "the one that got away" - well, maybe not always. The term implies though, that sometimes there is someone you will never forget and will run back to if given half the chance.

[caz1990]

I think if she wants to speak to you about it she will. So maybe it would be best to just say "ok if you want to talk about it, I will listen". Sometimes that all you need from a friend is for them to listen. Ask her to go places. By cutting her completely from things that remind her of him means it is harder to move on properly. 6 months is not a long time but it is enough to have an affect on someone. It is for her to help herself. Just be there for her. Nobody can understand the hurt and pain she is going through, but you can still try and understand by being in her shoes and making her see that it is something to learn from. She should just think positive. Get a hair cut, new clothes, do something that makes her happy but might remind herself of him, not to the point that she becomes sad and wanting him. Hope this makes sense x

[bw92116]

This is my view on this. I believe that when you love someone, they will still occupy a tiny place in your heart forever. After some period of time, thinking of them won't hurt, and reminders of them won't cause pain either. But you will never forget that person. You really can't. But you eventually get to the point where it's just a memory, without any emotional response when you think of or are reminded of them. Or if any emotional response, very mild and quick to go away. You still care about them, but it's a very passive caring, you don't feel any pain, or any urge to do anything, or any need to see them, talk to them or be with them. It will never be like you never met them, but also it will not hurt (or bring you joy) to think of them. It will be kind of just an emotionless memory. To get to that point takes time though. I can think of one person who was very significant to me 30 years ago, and once in a while they cross my mind. And if there was some big news about them, such as they died or something, that would affect me briefly. But on an ordinary day-to-day basis, if I happen to think about them, it doesn't affect me, it's just a thought with no real feeling. To get to that point, though, requires processing out a lot of the emotions associated with them, and that means crying it out, as many times as necessary, until, basically, there are no tears left for them. And in the long run, there is no emotional response to thoughts of them.

[t39babydoddle]

I completely appreciate the advice and agree with you all. Yes, he will eventually be a memory that won't evoke much of a reaction in her. That shall take lots of time. I also feel like she'll keep feeling this way until she meets someone she actually falls for again. I can't really tell her I'm there for her - even just to listen, right now, as that'll mean bringing up the topic. I'm just going to let the sleeping dogs lie and let her handle it on her own terms.

Also, here's a bit of a twist in this story - she says I don't understand how she feels because I haven't been through it. Yet she doesn't know that I felt the same way over her when we had issues and there was a rift in our friendship that caused us to not speak properly for a year. I know exactly how she feels because I am infact in love with her, and went through the exact same thing. I can't really tell her that though. Oh the complexities.

[Maritza]

I'll share a pathetic story with you. I was once absolutely obsessed with an ex who left me. I pined for him for years and years. I fell in love again, but whenever something in my relationship didn't work, I'd think of how wonderful my ex was and how differently he wold have behaved. This went on for years, until somehow it subsided. Then, about 14 years after the BU (!) he reappeared out of the blue and called me at my job, and we arranged to meet. When I saw him, I couldn't believe what this man was really like! I found him absolutely unattractive, not very smart, not very charming, just so awful in so many ways!!! The man I had fantasized about for years didn't exist! He was just a figment of my imagination. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the whole problem was me holding on to an idea of a person, and a misconceived notion of love. It IS possible to let go: you just have to want to.

[John3572]

No matter what you do; she won't move on until she's ready. It sounds like you're a great friend. Posting a thread about your friend alone shows that you care a great deal about her. She's probably carrying a small amount of hope that she may get him back. However, six months is a long time to be broken up. As long as she still carries hope for him she won't progress in getting over him.

 

There is a difference between carrying a torch for an ex and having hope that you will get back together. The difference is carrying a torch does now allow your thinking to be clouded. Hoping you'll get back together is allowing everything to remind you of that person and hoping that you will get back together. People that still hope that they will get back with their ex are putting and anyone new in their life at a disadvantage to date them.