What should i think?

[flower29]

After 5 months of discussions and fights, my ex broke up with me last week. When that happened, it was like some light had turned on in my head. In the past few days, I realized what a full I have been. I was what you English call a real "pain in the ass", 'cause I was always with bad humor and constantly fighting with him.

Now, I realize that and told him I want re-gain his love again. He told me, I'm not indifferent to him but last week (two days after our break-up) he started seeing a girl. He says he is confused, 'cause I pushed him away and he is afraid, once we came back, that the pain will start again; for another hand, he thinks he should try with this girl.

Thursday night we spend hours talking on messenger, about what we think and light stuff. It was great; we started to talk and laugh again, like in the beginning of our relation (1 ½ ago). Last night it was the same, however, we end up the night sleeping together. This morning he told me again he is confused, he is having two lifes and doesn't want that, and asked me some space to sort his mind.

I agreed with that but I'm confused. It seems obvious he still has feelings for me and he is afraid of trying and start the fights again. I understand that and I'm willing to wait. The other girl, is what is confusing me. He knows my feelings and that I want to gain his love again. At the same time, He says he wants to try with her, but he starts a new relation lying to her and sleeping with the ex?!?!?. What should I do?

[itsmec]

he's playing you like a game. he wants his cake and eat it too... He is not worth getting upset over, believe me.. I've done the same thing to men in the past. Leave him alone! Most likely those arguments were started by him, or he used the situation to continue the arguments. He was already dating that girl... believe me, I've done it before. he wanted a reason to break up.

[flower29]

I know he wasn't, but i know if he is considering being with this girl it's my fault, because i pushed him away. Besides he took the initiative to tell me about this girl, because he didn't I eventually end up knowing for another way. I told him I understand but I want to win him back. And it's true.

I want to regain his love, because deeply in my heart I know he is the companion I want for my life.

But it's dificult to wait.

[itsmec]

Well if you really want thim back ask him how he feels about her. That should give you some indication of where you stand. Then take it from there.

[flower29]

Thanks for your help.

I've already asked. He says he doesn't know. He said I treated him very bad (and I've to admit it's true – I was always fighting) and he need to end that pain. This other girl appeared and for the first time in several months he felt appreciated. They are beginning to know each other, and suddenly I appear and tell him I know I treated him very bad and want to win his love again.

He wants to believe me, but he is afraid; on the other hand he feels that other girl understands him, although the attraction he feels for me.

I'm willing to wait and give him space. But it's so difficult. I know I screwed up and I wish a second chance, but I don't know if he is willing to that; at least, until he doesn't know this girl better. But than again, the fact is the night of Thursday was very intense on messenger (webcam) and he didn't tell her (on Friday we slept together) tells me this rs has no future, because he is hiding our contact of her.

Sorry, it's very confused and English isn't my born language.

[CarterJonas]

Your English is very good considering it is your second language. It is my second language as well!

 

Can I ask why you were fighting all the time with your ex? Was there something that you think was missing in the relationship?

 

It can sometimes hurt when we see our ex.'s with other people and can possibly make us want them back for the wrong reasons.

 

Maybe you can say a little more.

 

btw Portugal is a beautiful place, went there on holiday last year.

[flower29]

I was under a lot of stress in my work and I started to avoid everyone, including my friends. He always tried to help me, but I was always finding things to fight with him. Only when he said he had to put an end to his suffer, I realized I was keeping away all my dear ones, especially him. I don't want to bring my work problems to home, but it was what I ended doing. So, it's not wanting him because he left. The broke up made me open my eyes. I started contact with my friends and they all say I was becoming impossible of dealing with.

 

The issue here, I think: he wants to believe me but he is afraid. I understand that and know I have to show him I've realized how bad I treated him and want a second chance; but there is also the other girl, who made him felt appreciated and I bet he was needing, after the horrible things I said to him, week after week.

Should I give him space and disappear of his life, or should I assume I want win his love again and "compete" with this other girl?

 

By the way: where you spent you vacation, here in Portugal?

[CarterJonas]

I actually went to Faro on the south coast. We (the football team I play for) did have some plans to go back there this year to watch the European football but then Wales failed to qualify!

 

So have you talked to your boyfriend and told him that you were under a lot of stress. Another thing I think that he would want to see is how you have changed so the relationship would be better the next time! Do you still have the same workload? How do you relax outside of work? Are you now working less hours?

 

Once he is aware that you have started to sort your work issues he might be more willing to give you a second chance. Give him some space then so he can make his choice but dont (yet anyway) disappear out of his life until he has made his mind up!

 

goodluck

[flower29]

Thanks. I know you're right. I think I just need to talk about this.

Yes, I managed to reduce my working hours (I talked with my director and told him I was with more responsibilities that I can handle and he agreed on arranging someone to assist me on work). I also took this week to myself and thank god I think things will back to normal.

Despite all, I'm very glad I realize I was venting my anger on him.

I told him this and I think he needs more time to see the changes and that I became the tender person he fall in love. As I told before, we talked for hours; and this morning when he asked me some time, I told him he has all the time, but I'm going to live my life; ie, I'm very ashamed off my behavior and I love him, but I can't stand at home, crying because the way I treated him.

I know it will be difficult and I have to be patient. Just need some support and opinions, because I think I chose the hardest way: expect him to forgive me and wait for him

 

Btw, CarterJonas, I live in Porto, in north of Portugal. If you like football, certainly you know "Futebol Clube do Porto"

[CarterJonas]

I think that this message board is quite a good place to talk/vent sometimes when you do not want to bother your friends/family and is also a good place to get an independent perspective on things!

 

At least now you have realised that you were venting your anger at him and you have started to do something about your workload and stress. I can understand the stress issue because I also have a stressful job for which I had to learn to switch off from when away from work.

 

If you have talked to your boyfriend, told him that you understand it was your stress that caused the breakup and are doing something about it, then there is not much more you can do at the moment except to continue to live your life. Give him some space but don't disappear completely, you have got to let him know from time to time that you are still there! That is until he has made up his mind.

 

Yip I have heard of Porto FC, they did very well earlier in the year in winning the Champions league

[flower29]

Here is an update to my story. Let's see if I can explain this, because I really need some advice.

Yesterday, I and my ex talked several hours on messenger. He told me again he is confused and there is another girl, whom he is been dating (although they hadn't nothing physic yet).

We had a sincere talk and I told him again then I'm sorry all the things I did wrong and that I'm willing to show him that my strange behavior was due to work and stress (and I made already some changes about it); I understand he is confused; I'm intent to give him all the space and time he wants, but I don't want to be his second option, in case the relation with the other girl doesn't work. So, I'm planning to live my live. That's when he told me, he isn't prepared to see me involved with others and he is afraid of loosing me; we had some special moments and a good complicity he knows he hardly will find in another woman; he wants me but he doesn't know how to think. I made it clear that it's difficult to me also imagine him with the other girl and that's why I have to live my life (he told me then I can ask all the questions about her, but I said I don't want to do that. It's torture; although when I told him that is attitude is strange: he tells me he is starting a new r/s but at the same time, he is "betraying" the new girl with me – this kind of behavior isn't of him).

I told him to relax; to think on what he wants and I will understand whatever is decision will be.

Today, he send me an "sms" and we've been "talking" since then, teasing each other; he told me he wants to see me tonight; and I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Should I let him come to my house, or should I break the contact until he decides his mind?

Once again, sorry for my English but I could use some advice…

[itsmec]

I think you should see him, but go out in a public place... Don't start being used for sex.

[flower29]

Another update of my story . It was all doing great. Some days ago we started communicating and we started talking about working our problems together. He even talked with his new gf about that. Yesterday morning he came to my house, to give me a cd, and we talked (no sex involved); he hugged me and told me we have a special connection and to trust in him. During the afternoon we went some shopping. After that, we came home and end up the night in bed. It was when he started saying he doesn't believe in a second chance and he haven't seen any change, and so on so on, we are more than sex and have everything to work but he doesn't believe I've changed… but he said all that in a very violent way. It seems he was venting his anger on me. I don't know how and what to think. It's just like a bomb had fallen in my head.