How To Get Over Past Offenses?

[FairyGodmother]

My bf's mother and I have never been on good terms. When we first started talking she told him to dump me and go out with someone in his city because LDRs never work. Then when we did begin a relationship we didn't tell her, but she found out through facebook, and she told family members that it was just a joke. When I finally went to his house to meet her in person she ignored me, and when I cooked her a meal she said it was "disgusting". A few weeks later she told him to pass along a message to me that, she wasn't horrible and she wasn't poor. She came to visit my boyfriend and me at our apartment for a few days, and seemed to have realized that my first impression of her was not the best and tried very hard to be nice.

 

Logically, I know that for everything she has done, there has been a reason other than trying to be mean (concern for her son's welfare, simple misunderstanding, being shy, insecurity over how she is perceived, and just being tactless - respectively). But I still can't seem to get over it. I am resentful and wary toward her, even though she has shown me that she is trying to be nice and make our relationship better. She has let me stay in her home before, after not knowing me long, she paid for meals with my boyfriend and me when she came to visit, and she is being generally very nice, so why can't I just forgive her?

 

After the last incident of her calling my food "disgusting", I cracked and started saying some really mean things about her to my boyfriend, which I know was stupid and should never have been done. When she came to visit and demonstrated that she was trying to improve on her behavior towards me I stopped doing that. I haven't talked about her to my boyfriend since her visit a few months ago except to say that it was a nice visit and it was really helpful to me seeing her in a different way. Yesterday I fleetingly said I hope our parents get along when they meet (which might be around xmas), and that I'll have to warn my mom about his mom's weird non-existent social skills. It was never intended to be mean, but I see why my boyfriend would think that and obviously I will have to choose my wording better. But my boyfriend says it's not the wording, its that I have a negative attitude toward her. It's really hard for him to be caught in the middle of this. I just don't know how to forget what she's done and focus on the future...

 

I'm staying at his house again for a few days soon, and I want it to go well. I don't want him to feel stressed out about having me there, and I don't want his family to think I'm ungrateful for his graciousness. There is no chance of me staying anywhere else, as I don't have any money to book a hotel, and I can't not see him bc the travel there has already been sorted.

[Ms Darcy]

How did you initially find out about what she said (to dump you, that the food was disgusting) ... from your boyfriend?

[FairyGodmother]

I found out about her telling him to dump me, her thinking our relationship was a joke, and her saying she is not horrible or poor by my boyfriend telling me. She told me herself that she thought my food was disgusting. I asked him why he told me about the horrible and poor thing, and he said he thought I would think it was funny (because it is a joke on a Simpsons episode I had never seen). I have told him to be more sensitive about what he tells me and he agreed, it's just hard to get over what I already know.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think the first step is just what you did - ensure that he doesn't tell you anything else. If he doesn't want to be in the middle, he shouldn't put himself in the middle.

 

I think sometimes it is helpful to visualize her in your mind. Talk to her ... about the issues, about how they made you feel, and visualize forgiving her. I find this is really effective when you do it with a 'trusted relative' (e.g. your mom) standing in as her.