All my hope is gone

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Everyone,

 

I haven't posted in a while. I recently called my ex (we broke up about 3 months ago) because I was feeling really sick and just wanted some comfort. He was basically annoyed by this at first and the rest of our conversation was centred on him telling me that I need to move on and let go of him. He also told me that he does not want to feel bad or guilty (even though I have never made him feel bad) for leaving me anymore and shouldn't because he made the right decision. He said he is happy right now with his new girlfriend and that he has dealt with his feelings for me (I don't see how....he got together with her a week after we broke up!) and realizes that we cannot work because we have too many personality differences.

 

At first he said he knows he never wants to be with me again...and then he changed that to I don't know what is gonna happen in the future...not even between me and the new girl. He then told me that I just have to let go sometimes and realize that if I let something go and it comes back, it was meant to be. He also said that he cannot be friends with me for a long time because he needs to completely get over me. He said that already he has had conversations about me with his new girlfriend. He told her that he could have married me and that he will always love me. We talked for 2 hours, which I cannot understand because if he wants nothing to do with me, he could have made it a hell of a lot shorter than that.

 

I don't get it. I know I have to move on....he told me so. I am finding it difficult though. Most of all, I cannot understand how he is happy with someone new already. How he was able to just erase me completely from his mind? What are the chances of his new relationship lasting? (I know its awful of me to think this way!)

[makeshiftdoll]

Sigh. First of all, I'm very sorry that you are dealing with any type of hurt right now. It's hard, believe me I know.

 

I don't know the details of your breakup (I'm new here, so if you can fill me in or direct me to another post I'd be glad to read it and further my thoughts) but one thing I can tell you is to stop contacting him.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is because each time you do you are going to set yourself up to be hurt. Do not do that to yourself. It's going to hurt to not talk to him, but it's going to hurt a heck of a lot more if you do and he tells you things you do not want to hear.

 

This guy seems to have feelings for you, but he also seems to be going through some personal issues right now. That's evident in his wishy-washy remarks and indecisive behavior. This is something he needs to figure out on his own. Don't worry about the other girl, either.

 

What you need to do is completely detach yourself from him. Don't tell him "I'm not going to talk to you anymore.", but just cease all contact. Let him stew in his cauldron of uncertainty. This is not your problem. I've just been through a similar situation of "Who is this person? What happened?" and I stopped contact, kept myself busy, and of a sudden he's popping up asking me about relationships, etc.

 

Keep yourself unavailable. If he starts asking you things that make you think "Ooh, he might want me back", do not give him the answer he wants. Keep your private life private. Make him come to you, if you feel that this is the guy you want to be with, if he is worth it.

 

My heart goes out to you, but just remember to BE YOU. I know it's easier said than done, but if you start now (by no contact) you will find yourself at ease, happy and prepared to handle him when he does contact you again.

[qt]

i know that feeling! me and my ex relationship had some issues (personal) that resulted in break ups over the duration of about 1 year and a half. was also partly due tot he fact we had a long distance relationship. he broke up with me again about 1 month ago and i told him that i still loved him and wouldnt move on unless he found someone new. he couldnt bare to tell me until recenly that he had ( thats nt why he broke up with me tho) and i was heartbroken because after all we'de been though together and we've been through the thinking about life in the future together, getting married, having kids etc etc and that he told me a month before we gt back together ( we were only together this time for a month-iv confused you havnt i-lol) that he was falling in love with me again.

the thing is, iv spoken to him since we broke up and hes told me that hes still in love with me, so im liking my denial phase right now.

you're wondering though if hes on the rebound arent you because i'm thining the exact same thing with my ex. i wana tell you so much that he is and if you want, come join my denial club ( my ex bf is also part of that-he told me so) but what i will say is that your hurting now and if it turns out to be that his gf is not a rebound ( althoug i would say so cos he got with her one week after he broke up with you) then it will be alot harder to deal with.

i hope that you'll be ok in the end and if you need to chat to someone, im here to listen

[makeshiftdoll]

Yes, there also seems to be a lot of conern with rebound relationships and the definitions of such.

 

I really would not worry about this girl. Someone who moves on that quickly and completely out of nowhere (especially if you were just talking about the future) is usually just petrified.

 

Rebounds typically happen with the person who was let go... but in the very frequent circumstance that the breakup happened out of an apparent fear from the other party, that new relationship they are in is most likely a rebound or just a "I need to sort out my problems, but I don't want to be alone." type of thing.

[Confused and hurt]

Thanks so much for your comforting and kind words makeshiftdoll and qt.

 

I know the only thing for me to do right now is to leave him alone and make him figure this out on his own....I am just scared that this girl is influencing him and is better than me or that he thinks she is better for him than me. He kept telling me to move on and let him go and that he made the right choice becasue he is happier now and hasn't argued in a long time. Is this the truth or is he trying to justify the break up to himself and me? I am so confused and I don't know if he will ever be interested in pursuing things with me again...its been so long already.

 

Makeshiftdoll...I am curious about the details of your own situation and how long after NC it took for your ex to start contacting you again?

 

Thanks again!

[makeshiftdoll]

My ex and I broke up (he broke up with me, by the way) at the very end of August, only a week before he was going back up to school for his last year. I talked to him once before he left, but it got me so upset that I just blocked him.

 

I ceased all contact with him and at the very beginning of this month he started to contact me on AIM. Let me tell you, too, he was acting like a complete jerk. Not necessarily mean, but just acting very juvenile, telling me things he knows I would not want to hear. What I did was act indifferent. I didn't feed into any of his game playing.

 

He's been in contact now and again, and the last time we spoke, he asked me if I was seeing someone. Out of "concern for my happiness". Please. I did not give him a straight answer, basically told him I didn't want to discuss that.

 

I actually just posted my story in this forum, it's right underneath yours, if you want more details.

 

Please, this girl is not better than you. Once you stop contacting him and start to see the whole picture, you're going to be wondering why the hell you ever thought that. What kind of foundation does their relationship have, anyway? It hurts to imagine the person you love with someone else, I know, but if you two are meant to be together, you are going to have so much power because of his mistakes. You will be able to make all the demands you want in the relationship, and you will be strong. You sound like a warm, caring girl and I'm sure your ex knows that. Like I said, let him deal with his stupidity, because that's what it is. Stupidity.

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Makeshiftdoll -

 

Once again, thanks! I hope you are right. I am not so sure though because we basically have only spoken 3 times since the break up, which happened at the end of June. I have tried to send him a few e-mails and he never responds, and he also claims that he forgot my birthday in September. He is basically doing everything to show me that he does nto want anything to do with me. Even though his words may sound indecisive....his actions show that he has moved on and actions speak louder than words.' It appears to me that he has had time to deal with his feelings for me and that he has really moved on. How that can happen so quickly after a 2 year relationship is beyond me....but I guess stranger things happened. I don't know if this girl is just a rebound....he waited about 2 and a half months before officially calling her his girlfriend....before that they were just hanging out and fooling around.

 

I appreciate your comment that I seem to be very caring, but I was a pretty bad person in our relationship. I was going through some tough times and I acted very immaturely and rudely towards him. I never cheated on him, but I took his love and generosity for granted. I thought he was so in love with me that he would never leave me, so I treated him awfully because I thought I could. There is no excuse for this, and I have learned my lesson and will never ever take people for granted again. That is why, if he decides not to ever be with me again, I cannot totally blame him. I just hope he sees past all that and realizes that underneath it all, we loved each other so much and had such an amazing connection.

 

Your break up was pretty recent. When your ex contacts you, does he seem interested in starting a realtionship again at all?

[makeshiftdoll]

Hi again!

 

OK, here's what I will make of this. You said before that he was telling you he loved you, etc. and that he's not certain what will happen in the future. He has feelings for you, that's for sure. Think about when you get into a really bad fight with somebody. In that heated moment, you don't even know why you *like* the person! You're so enraged, and everything good you feel about them just seems to go straight to Hell. The reality is, though, you haven't stopped feeling for them. It just takes something (time apart, whatever) to bring those feelings back to the surface. This is not to say that he's going to just call you and say "Wow, I realized how wonderful you are, let's get back together!", but his actions now are not necessarily saying that he doesn't care about you anymore.

 

You need to stop sending emails, etc. Even if you feel like you are just checking up on him, every time he sees those attempts it's just another reminder that you aren't any different than you were when you were breaking up. I'm sure he knows you are hurting, and I'm sure he doesn't want all of this muck to be going on, but he's human too and he seems like he needs time.

 

Try not to put too much blame on yourself. You've obviously done a lot of thinking and come to a lot of realizations. He obviously didn't communicate to you soon enough that he wasn't happy with the way you were treating him, so that's also a part of the problem. This time apart will be good for both of you, I promise. Do not look at this as a lost cause, but do not look at it too much or you'll be driving yourself crazy.

 

My breakup was pretty recent, and very shocking. I think what happened was that I was "the wife" and while he loved the idea of finding someone like me, he felt inadequate and afraid to handle me. It's silly, but a lot of people seem to go through that "oh my God, I want this but ahhh it's scary" phase.

 

I don't want to live in la la land, but it's hard not to believe that he wants a relationship with me. He's also with another girl! That's a whole different story, though, and I'm not even worried about her. When he does contact me, I just play it cool and generally I'm not very interested, lol. The last time we spoke he asked if I was seeing someone, I don't think I gave him the answer he wanted, then he started to tell me "I wasn't good to you, you deserve a good guy, you deserve certainty" and all I did was agree and tell him that he made me happy. He reacted like someone who still had feelings for me, and honestly, it tickled me.

 

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss anything further! Or just keep posting here, I'll be around.

[popo]

confused and hurt,

wow, it seems like we have same situation here. the break up's issues, the thing that he told u to move on, and the fact that there's other interest. i know it will b hard knowing him with someone else that's why i never ask any further about it. i also sent him emails after the break up which he never replied. my friends kept telling to stop contacting him but i was deaf. i only heard what i wanted to hear. coz i believed that he still loved me no matter what his denials were. it was goin no where. he never changed his mind. then i did nc. in the first 2 weeks i did this to get his attention. and it worked! he contacted me but still acted so cold. then i realised i wasnt facing the man that i used to love. i kept doing nc (for my self this time), getting busy, dating casually, anything to prevent me thinking what he's doing, does he miss me, etc...

so then he contacted me again. he wasnt a cold hearted man anymore. a part of me was happy about this but the other part thought it jst made me hard to move on if there was no hope. so, d'u still hope for his call? are u ready to know more negative news from him?

 

makeshiftdoll,

what did u say when he asked u if u dated someone? after weeks not talking with my ex, now i have no idea what to do! should i PM u about this?

[wanger]

Make shift hurt.

 

Not sure if I am the best person to advise as I am very unsuccessfully dealing with the break up of a 5 year romance at the moment. My current situation is different to he past situations that I I'm going to talk about.

 

Twice in the past I have been finished with in long term relationships that I wholeheartedly believed were the "ones".

 

1, After nearly 2 years together she told me that she wanted a 2 week break. At the end of this she told me that she she did not want to get back together. I was gutted. i then found out that th e 2 week break was actually to see if she was happier with some other chap who had been giving her attention whilst we were together. I still wanted her back and did all the usual phoning, writing tapes etc. All to no avail. Then I met someone else, I wasn't that interested but did go out on a couple of dates. As soon as the ex- found out she was back on my case. She finished with the other chap and pursued me. By then (about 5 months, of which the last 1 was no contact - mainly as I moved away from my small hometown back to University) I really was not sure if she was the one anymore. Ended up getting back with her when I was drunk at Christmas and finishing it myself within 3 months.

 

Lessons here were she only responded when she thought that someone else was going to get the attention from me that she had been getting, and that all the time she knew I was into her, she had a security blanket, in fact when she said that she still wanted to be friends, and I told her "no"

, she broke down into tears. The most valuable lesson I learnt from this one was that once my emotions about the ex had calmed down and I had found someone else to focus on, I realised that my ex was no longer the one that I wanted.

 

2, Lived together for nearly 2 years but broke up (her choice) because we were always arguing . Due to house and financial circumstances we carried on living together for 3 months after actually breaking up - very bad idea by the way. That 3 months was spent by me telling her virtually on a daily basis how muchg I was hurting and how we could sort things out. She showed no interest at a ll. When I eventually moved out, it was over 6 months before I was even interested in seeing seeing anyone else and did see the ex every few weeks during that time. That was a long slow healing process, but I did find myself getting stronger each time I saw, although I still desperatley hurt each time I left. We ended up having a lot of mutual respect and caring very much for each other, but this whole episode killed the chance of any further romance because all of my tears and sadness in the early stages had made her feel so guilty. Although within 6 or 7 months I could describe myself as happy it actually took me years to get over her. i still love her to this day, but am 'in love' with my most recent ex.

 

The 2 lessons that I learnt here are that it is very very hard to maintain an even relationship with someone that you want to be involved in a romantic relationship with. They will feel bad about hurting you, and will be sensitive to your sadness. But just because they care, does not mean that it is right. And the guilt they feel will ultimatley lead to either resentment on their part or pity. Neither will bring them back. The other important lesson, was that every time that I saw or spoke to my ex, I would just be ripping that freshly healed scab off again. Each time taking longer and longer to heal.

 

All I can say is that you have all my sympathies, and I recomend that you simply look after yourself. If that means no contact for a while then do it. You never know you might wake up one day and realise that you don't want him back after all, and the hurt of him seeing this other girl will probably be the motivator to give you the strength to get over it. Just remember that each time you see him or speak to him your hopes are going to be so high that you will allways be disappointed. Give that scab some time to heal When it has, then see if you want to get back in touch with him. Just by talking to him about emotions, how you feel etc lets him know that he is still wanted and makes you more vulnerable, as well as bringing back his guilt about hurting you. None of this guilt he will be feeling with his new fiance, and trust me, the fact that he has told his new GF that he will always love you and that he is still feeling guilt will not do his new realtionship any favours. The harder you push the further he will back off, and the same is probably true of her. Take a step back, give his rebound relationship time to fall aprt by itself, and hopefully by then you will have healed enough to decide if he is what you really want. I'm not a firm believer in NC but distance, time and space really does heal. I think its fine to stay in touch as long as you can handle hearing what you don't want to hear. If the conversations and emails can be kept to "I've been doing this that and the other", and "how are you doing", "good, I'm pleased to hear it". talk about college, family, friends. Avoid talking about relationships at all costs.

 

Something a friend of mine once said, that as I get older and wiser I tend to believe more and more, is that the "one" only exists for very few people, and that the chance of meeting that one are very slim. For the rest of us there are thousands if not millions of people out there that we can fall in love with and be happy with.

 

Also, many people say that it is not about playing games. I'm sorry but I believe it is. Not games to hurt people, but games to do with power. If you are on the bottom, you will feel like a doormat and find it harder to pull yourself back up. Don't tell lies or try to hurt him, but if you can somehow subtely let it be known that you are moving on, and then stop contacting him, you may be surprised at the result. In time he probably will contact you and be inquisitive , but try to keep it unemotional, and be a bit mysterious. Avoid or refuse to answer questions about relationships on both sides. Oh, and always be the one to finish the call, and never leave yourself in a position where you are waiting for an answer to a question or a follow up call or email from him.

 

As I said above, let that scab heal itself, and try to be unemotional and indifferent if you do speak to him, and you will be surprised how good it make you feel about yourself. Oh, and don't be worried if you start feeling anger and resentment towards him, this is a normal phase and will pass, but is probably the most important time not to be in contact with him, as you may well burn your bridges.

 

Take care and I hope it does all work out. I posted my current situation about week or so ago on the same forum. Tomorrow I have my first date with the ex.

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Wanger -

 

Thanks for your helpful advice and insight. You are so right. I have no choice but to go the NC route....He has said that we cannot be friends for a long time because we both need to get over each other completely.

 

Take a step back, give his rebound relationship time to fall aprt by itself.

 

That's a nice thought....I'm not sure that his new relationship is a rebound though. He told me that he waited a bit (about 2 months) and just hung out with her at first before he was sure that he wanted to pursue that kind of relationship with her. Of course, I do know that a little over a month after our breakup, they were already sleeping together. So who knows whether his decision was as well-thought out as he made it seem.

 

I read your situation. I hope things go well when you meet with your ex and I wish you all the best

 

Popo -

 

It seems like we can sympathize with each other. How long it take in total before your ex wanted to get back with you?

 

Makeshiftdoll-

 

I hope you are right that alot of his words came out of anger towards me and that time will allow that anger to go away and he will be able to realize his true feelings for me. I try to be optimistic....its hard though given that he told me is happier now and that he made the right choice. He also told me that alone we are both good people, but that we bring out the worst in each other (ouch!) I was shocked when he said that....why stay with someone 2 years is that is the case???

 

Your situation definitely sounds like he is too afraid to be with his ideal girl. You seem to be handling things well....I wish I was able to be as tough as you! My curiosity gets the best of me, and I have been unable to not ask him about his girlfriend. I really hope things work out for you. I think he's crazy if he gives up pursuing something with you because it sounds like you are a really nice person with a good head on her shoulders

[popo]

Confused and hurt,

 

no, he never ask me back (or not yet). he just contacted me asking how i was. i realise that's only friendship that he can offer. but i'm not ready for it. btw, it happened after 3 weeks nc. but he IMed me once or twice during those days which i didnt answer.

 

it's important for u to set in ur mind that he'll never come back and try to move on. do NC only for ur self healing. i dont wanna say that u still have chances or not. it only brings falses hopes, though not always, but what for? better ready for the worst.

 

b strong

 

feel free to PM me