Please help - Ex reaching out to friends and creating drama. When does it stop?

[goodheartlady]

Hi all,

 

I have having a rough morning. A little recap: break up after 1 year relationship with a man in his 30's. His impulsive action and anger are both factors contributing to the breakup.

 

Two weeks forward since the BU, I maintained zero contact. Found out this weekend he has sent out a group email on Facebook to our mutual friensd. The email details his version of our break up, and his story is fabricated. He says he wants to stay friends with my friends.

 

I have to break NC and tell him to stop discussing and leave my friends alone. He has been reaching out to my friends individually over yesterday and today.

 

I woke up to this message from a friend: Your ex keeps texting me. How do I make it stop?

 

He is very concerned about appearances, and he does not have many friends. His friends over the past year were effectively people I had introduced to him. He is trying to hold on to those connections in my view.

 

Advice on how to make it stop? Should I ignore completely? Should I do a one final stop communication or I will file a restraining order? Thoughts?

 

This is all very ironically as he was the DUMPER in the relationship.

[goodheartlady]

This guy is Ivy League educated and a lawyer at a prominent firm in New York.

Money can't buy you sanity or class after all.

[littleL_RN]

I would avoid personally contacting him if possible. With persistent people, any form of communication, whether it be positive or negative, can fuel the fire.

 

As long as your friend is amenable to the approach, just advise him or her to simply not respond to the messages or texts. They should start tapering off.

[SoulSilver]

You gotta tell him , with an angry text (with alot of these : !!! ) that this kind of behaviour is one of the reasons you broke up with him in the first place and now you see you were right about your decision ... this will leave him thinking .

[mhowe]

You ignore him. And whoever texted you this am -- you tell THEM to tell your ex that they do not want to hear from him.

 

He is looking for responses from anyone/everyone. All of you, ignore him.

 

Completely. Any response, to him, is attention. Negative, positive -- it all counts. IGNORE HIM.

[PrettyGood]

Well friends will divide to the different side of the barricades in any way sooner or later. So the only advise is NOT to show any reaction he's trying to provocate, even if you want to slap him and scream on him for such behavior. It's what he's trying to do. You actions is just to stay calm and explain YOUR friends your side of version or just keep sane and say "Well, I don't want to talk about such irrational nonsenses." And after all when your friends divide to your and to his sides, then you will always have some of them left. I mean the true friends, who will not run away from you and will not think about you as a crazy desperate woman after all.

[SoulSilver]

Ignoring someone , makes him even more mad . and shows that you are not able to deal with him . so I still stand for my point...

[Tired Tiger]

Absolutely do not engage him in any way.

 

If a child throws a tantrum because he wants a cookie, giving in only teaches him the cause and effect behavior. No matter the context of any type of reply, it will validate the behavior and perpetuate the drama. Ignore, and instruct your friends to do so, as well.

[mhowe]

Ignoring someone , makes him even more mad . and shows that you are not able to deal with him . so I still stand for my point...

 

No, it does not mean that you are not ABLE to deal with him. It means you CHOOSE not to deal w/ him.

 

World of difference.

 

And the only way to make him stop, is to ignore -- because any attention is a win to him.

[SoulSilver]

No, it does not mean that you are not ABLE to deal with him. It means you CHOOSE not to deal w/ him.

 

World of difference.

 

And the only way to make him stop, is to ignore -- because any attention is a win to him.

 

And the next thing you know , he'll show up with a chainsaw and bloodshot eyes at ehr front door ....... it's better to at least tell him off before ignoring him . and it will be good for his own growth as well .

[mhowe]

And the next thing you know , he'll show up with a chainsaw and bloodshot eyes at ehr front door ....... it's better to at least tell him off before ignoring him . and it will be good for his own growth as well .

 

Please. They already broke up -- he is making a nuisance of himself to all their mutual friends. The friends need to shut him down, and so does she. Contact w/ a stalker is contact -- that is all they care about.

 

He will not grow from this experience.

[peaches08]

And the next thing you know , he'll show up with a chainsaw and bloodshot eyes at ehr front door ....... it's better to at least tell him off before ignoring him . and it will be good for his own growth as well .

 

You're advising that she give in to manipulation? I've done it dozens of times, and it doesn't work.

 

Goodheartlady, your friends are big boys and girls, they know what they need to do. Most calling plans have a call/text block feature, they need to use it. Or they can confront him that hey, they really don't give a d*mn about this breakup. If he doesn't stop, they can go further with legal action.

 

Having lived this before over and over with a similar whiney manipulator, do not contact him. Will he show up in the future? Unfortunately you can count on it. But, that doesn't mean you owe him "till death do us part" like the above advice. Stand your ground, but from a distance. Don't give him contact, even angry contact. That's what he wants. Bad attention is still attention to a person like him.

[Tired Tiger]

Not to mention, he is - as the OP stated - an attorney, which carries with it a likely predisposition to manipulate (both situations and people). Combine that with emotional immaturity, and you have a recipe for indefinite cycles of drama and dysfunction. Absolutely do not engage a person like this under these circumstances.

[SoulSilver]

You're advising that she give in to manipulation? I've done it dozens of times, and it doesn't work.

 

No , what I advised is just telling him that he needs to stop doing this , and that she was right about breaking up with him if this is what he does . that's all . being clueless drives him crazy , and everyone hates to be ignored ...