Did I get used?

[MichaelM]

Kinda long

 

I work with a girl. About 1 1/2 years ago we started talking and over the course of time we bacame very good ancd close friends. We only ever spoke via email and never outside of work. The thing is she got married about a year ago. I basically watched the marriage disintegrate within about 8 months! about one month before she left her husband I gave her my phone number so she could set me up with one of her friends. about two weeks later she called me after work and invited me out with her and some other co-workers. I said sure why not.

We had a great time. Then at the end of the night my friend and I where driving her home. We got there and her husband was not home. She started to cry and said she did not want to go home, she would go anywhere else. Me trying to be her friend let her come to my place. We ended up making out all night. The next day I felt terribly guilty and confused. Monday morning at work I apologized to her. I told her I hope this did not ruin our friendship and she said no it made it better and that she threw her husband out and chaned the locks.

From there we got into the most intense relationship I have ever experinced we where inseperable for the first month. Then she tells me she is worried that she wil have to end it one day because she is worried she will need time and space to sort out her divorce and get over her marriage being over. So for about tow months after that, it would be incredible for a week. She would tell me how amazing I am and how lucky she is to have me in her life. How happy she is, how good I make her feel etc... The all of a sudden she would back off and say it is geting too serious and moving too fast. She would say it's over. The within a few days she would call and we would start again. up and down like that for a couple months.

The thing is that she was very adament that we keep it a secret, because of her divorce and the fact that we work together. Well it turns out she told a few of her friends and her parents. About two weeks ago, I told a co worker because I neede someone to talk to about it. I decided yesterday to tell her. And she freaked. She emailed me telling me screw YOU. She told me I lost the privlege of having her in my life, I am the worst guy she has ever met, I have lost her trust, she can forgive me as a friend but will never trust me the way she has. She no onger wants to speak to me or email me etc... Basically she hates me now.

 

What the hell is going on here? Why is she sooooo mad as to not ever forgive me. I told her I made a mystake and was sorry for it. She said Mike don't try to make this better, it's over - forget it.

[Scout]

Well, before this happened, she was still kind of going back and forth about being with you...I think in her heart she knows she's not ready for another relationship yet, and she might have seized on this incident to end it for good. I'm sure she's actually irritated with you for doing this, too.

 

At any rate, I think you might be better off. Do you really want to stay on this rollercoaster? I can tell you her issues with her husband will go on for a looooong time.

[MichaelM]

I know it was way too soon and you are probably right but was everything she felt and said just BS? I know she is in no way ready for a relationship. She told me she had an interest in me since she first met me but was getting married.

[antzca2000]

i agree with the other posters. I don't know if shes a great girl for you, a woman that goes on and off with you depending on how her mood is.

[MichaelM]

Should I call or email her? It's tough because we have spoken every single day at wrk for the past year and half. That friendship being gone is what really hurts me the most.

[Scout]

I don't think it was BS at all. But I do think she's a jumble of emotions and confusion right now, and for your sake...leave her be for a little bit. Let her sort some things out in her head.

 

I can almost guarantee she'll call or email you within the next two weeks if you do absolutely nothing. Probably much sooner. And if you wait, you'll be glad you did. Trust me, you're very vulnerable right now to actually aggravating the situation by contacting her. Don't do it. Let her contact you. She will.

[dannyz4]

Yeah you've gotten yourself in a messy situation. Though I'm sure not intentionally she has sub-consciously used you to make her feel better about her failed marriage... you are the fantasy she needs to help her deal with it... and to reassure her that someone else in the world "needs" her and wants to be with her.

 

I think she is stringing you along by keeping it on her terms... if she keeps saying it's getting too serious then I think you have the answer. She doesn't intend for it to turn into a serious relationship. You're an affair to help her cope, and when she finally has to start picking up the pieces of her life you'll probably be the last thing on her mind.

 

Sorry bud.. life sucks sometimes don't it!

[OceanEyes]

I wouldn't say that she used you, and if anything, she'll be grateful that you helped her have the strength to get out of her marriage. Sometimes it just takes having someone by your side to help you through a difficult situation; someone who is understanding and non-judgemental.

 

It's not fair of her to e-mail you and basically tell you off - especially as dramatically as she seemed to, telling you she would never trust you again, that she didn't want you contacting her anymore, etc. Those words weren't really deserved and way too harsh given the circumstances. Something tells me that she was either just very angry at the time, or she's beyond neurotic and lets her negative emotions get the best of her (and people like that usually lash out at others whenever they can't cope).

 

Either way you're in a tough situation, and calling her/ contacting her is probably not going to help matters right now. She's overreacting and getting way too emotional and dramatic over something that she could have easily just explained to you as a friend. She's telling you that she can't trust you and that she won't think of you the way she did before. But, at the same time, e-mailing you and reaming you out over something as minor as confiding in a co-worker doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. She's obviously very emotional right now and needs to get her head on straight.

 

Scout is right, don't contact her right now. If she's the kind of person you thought she was, she'll realize that she made a mistake and try to make amends. If she doesn't, then I think it's better if you don't associate with her. People who just snap like that on others who care about them are usually dealing with more issues than I would care to understand in the future.