How do I do this?

[lavenderdove]

i think the thing that might help you here is realizing that the problem isn't HER, but that he seems to be wishy washy about his commitment to anyone and just basically and selfishly chases his emotional whim of the moment. If someone can't commit to anyone and is willing to torture multiple people at once to get their own needs met, then basically that is telling you the only thing he is committed to is his own whims.

 

People like this can be superficially 'nice', but ultimately their choice is always to choose whatever feels good at the moment for them, without a higher moral commitment to do no harm to those they are involved with. So he has no overt intention to hurt anyone and may even mean well, but he doesn't have the strength of character or resolve to choose to behave in a way that doesn't hurt other people. He is choosing to chase his own gratification, whatever that is at the moment, and not to stop and think things thru or even think about the fact that he shouldn't be behaving in ways that confuse and harm multiple women.

 

So just like he can't commit to you (or the other girl), he ultimately wouldn't be able to commit to the baby either... he may say he wants to or means to, but he just doesn't make strong commitments or he wouldn't behave this way. So any commitments he makes are limited at best (as you have discovered), so i think he wouldn't be any better a father than he is a BF in terms of being able to really be there 100% for anyone else other than himself.

 

So I know this is a hard choice, but i think you can be confident in the understanding that he is not particularly committed to you, this other girl, or any future potential children because he can't make a commitment and stick to it and wanders in and out of people's lives based on his emotions rather than any strong morals or sense of obligation. He wouldn't be that obligated to you or the baby, regardless of the words he says, as his actions have proved.

[Avila]

People like this can be superficially 'nice', but ultimately their choice is always to choose whatever feels good at the moment for them, without a higher moral commitment to do no harm to those they are involved with. So he has no overt intention to hurt anyone and may even mean well, but he doesn't have the strength of character or resolve to choose to behave in a way that doesn't hurt other people. He is choosing to chase his own gratification, whatever that is at the moment, and not to stop and think things thru or even think about the fact that he shouldn't be behaving in ways that confuse and harm multiple women.

 

lavenderdove is so right. actually this articulates and resolves some of the thoughts i have floating around in my head about my ex. Thanks lavenderdove!

 

there are men out there who will commit solely to you and a future with you. he isn't it.

[delicous]

Thanks guys...Its such a tough situation I am in, but glad to be able to read other peoples thoughts... Avila and Lavender, you both have brought a lot of through into my mind. I hope something could happen to change how he is and how he treats people, but only he can change and he has to want to. I have to move on instead of having these crazy thoughts that I can fulfilll his every need in a women because frakley, he seems to hate woman more than love them. Yes, he might not be purposely trying to hurt anyone, but by giving into all of his own needs, he is. I thought since hes just about to turn 30, he might want to settle down......its disturbing....Should I have him be the one who drives to get the surgery? Im starting to think He shouldn't be the one, but hes the one who is paying and everything...

[Avila]

if it causes you stress than no. start how you mean to go on. maybe take a parent, sibling or friend? someone who you know will support you and help you feel as comfortable as you can be. in these situations you need to be with someone who will help you feel soothed and relaxed.

 

situations like these are never easy. letting love go is hard. if he hasn't started to grow up by 30 than i wouldn't even bother. if he dislikes women than that is a real red flag. you can't change someone. you can't reason with someone who doesn't want to be reasoned with and you can't get someone to see how wonderful you are. but that doesn't mean you're not wonderful. it just means you need to find a man that does see it and he's out there you've made a wise decision. a decision i wish some of my younger family members would have made because their journeys have not been easy. there are bigger and brighter things waiting for you in the future. you'll be fine. let us know how it goes xo

[delicous]

I had him come pick me up and drop me off. It wasn't bad, don't remember a thing. I wasn't breathing and they had to rub there knuckles on my chest to get my heart to beat again, kinda of crazy........ My chest is rediculously sore and my hand where they put the iv in is also very sesitive. My ex took me out to eat after and both of us didn't eat that much, but we went to our resturant. Afterwards, he came inside with me to my apartment and laid down on my bed with me, just laid there holding eachother. He's going back out of state today, so I won't see him for a week. He called me about 3 hrs ago or so to see how I was feeling. I told him I am feeling fine, pretty relieved vs. guilty.... I have a job interview tomorrow..... I hardly have much bleeding, but its sporatic whenever it does happen.

 

Thanks everyone for looking into this with me. I really appriciate all of the positive feedback on such a controversial subject. I actually looked at a youtube video online and listened to this girls documentary on the topic and pro life vs pro choice and I have to say, pro choice is a lot smarter way to go....So glad in this time and age we still have the RIGHT to do what we need to with our body!

 

Thank you again.....I got a follow up appointment that I need to set about 3 weeks up the road. No cost to me... I have learned from this and have to say birth control or some type of prevention for preg is a must. I am feeling a bit sad that my ex might not come back into my life again, I do still love him and hope he still calls and comes by to spend time with eachother. I hope he's not out of my life indefinetly....

[Avila]

pro- choice is an excellent stand point. sounds like he was very understanding which makes it easier on you. it's okay to feel guilt and other assorted and conflicting emotions. we're only human. birth control is definitly a must and there are so many options out there.

 

when you can't really be in a relationship with someone who you love deeply because they won't commit or some other reason, it can be the hardest test of strength and self respect there is. but only accept the best for yourself and nothing less. having been down that road i can say it wasn't easy but nothing feels better than knowing that i didn't let someone treat me less than i'm worth. it's a sad road but ultimately worth it. because who knows? by demanding respect you may in fact get it. if not than you'll be well on the road to finding someone who will.

 

all the best xo

[delicous]

Thanks Avila, Yea....I can't say I feel good about my decision, but I also can't say I feel bad about it either. I just wish he stopped me from doing it

and owned up and told me he'd be here...But....he didn't....Now he's out of touch with me...Hasn't told me if he made it safe to the State he is working in and has not called. The last call was about 2 hrs after dropping me off and holding me.... I hope I hear from him again because its almost unbearable without him.

[delicous]

Why do I all of the sudden wish I did the opposite, which was to keep it....I saw something in his eyes trying to tell me to not do the procedure...He had this sadness in his eyes that I can't explain.... Maybe he was second guessing it....I don't know.... I texted him, but he has not communicated back by calling back or txting...... How long am i supposed to leave him alone for??? Forever?....Thats the right...I can't......

[drmcsugar]

Please don't use the baby to "trap" him into being with you and saying goodbye with his ex for good. I know this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you REALLY want another chance for you two to reconcile, but as you said, this is the 10th time he's left you to go back to his ex. Having a baby now wouldn't stop him, if he himself doesn't want to be in this together with you and his heart is with another. If you have this baby, you should push for child support in any way you can, even legally, because you don't have a stable job but have plenty bills to pay. Sorry, if it were me, I wouldn't give a flipping $%@$ if he went to debt or not, because he left me for another, now he's trying to wash his hands off his responsibility. New flash: it takes 2 people to create a child. Can you even trust whatever he says now, after so many times he's come back to his ex? What if his ex turns out to be pregnant now, too? Would he go back to her again? I'll be honest, get an abortion since the fetus is only 7 weeks. You can't take care of the baby on your own, and you seem iffy about your ex. He, on the other hand, is doubtful himself if he can support you fully or even be there for you all the way without going back to his ex. You're also young; life is full of possibilities. You will meet a faithful, financially supportive, better man who deserves you and will have beautiful babies. Now it's just not the time.

[drmcsugar]

Okay, I just read the whole thread and obviously my previous comment is late. Sorry that you had to go through all of this, but it will only get better from now on. Have faith and take care of your health.

[Avila]

delicous if he wanted you to keep it he would have just outright said so. seriously. with men, never listen to what they say, only what they do. he drove you to the clinic and agreed that you should have an abortion. you're likely panicking now because this was something that tied you to him and now you don't have that. especially since at this point he hasn't contacted you.

 

at this point you are going to feel all sorts of emotions. time will give you perspective.

[delicous]

Thanks Avila, you are probaly right. He can be a very undecisive person..... Do you think if I just leave it be, he might come back to me?

The last thing he said to me is he will see me in a week?...DRM...Its okay, ....i know

[Avila]

i know it's hard. excruciating sometimes. so you just need to sit yourself down and remind yourself that if he really wants to be with you, he'll respect you and get in contact. in these situations you need to remind yourself that you are the flame and he is the moth. if he doesn't come round than you have your answer. don't run after a man if he isn't willing to come after you xo i learnt that lesson the hard way. when the right one comes along this won't be an issue. he'll be all yours. in the meantime he may come back to you, he may not. but calling him isn't going to create that outcome. concentrate on doing things that you enjoy.

[delicous]

Ive let 3 days go by with out contacting him and I know that sounds like "no time at all.." It's not though, its so difficult because he was such a big part

in my life. I might have OCD or something because even though I know there are other fish in the sea, I have a hard time letting go of this one and thinking

or obsessing about him and I. I know it isn't healthy and I need to check myself...Just put myself in check and try my best to stay busy.... I was in love though and nobody could convince me otherwise...

[Avila]

that's completely normal. it always feels like a long time when they don't get in contact. and you are in love. i know how you feel. you don't want anyone else. but that phase will pass. if he's not beating down your door even when he knows how you feel than he's not the right one. but you will have to go through the longing and the pain regardless.

[delicous]

So, you don't think he will come back.......? And I have given it close to a week now for him to call/txt...something...anything....

I am having so much regret right now because I feel like had I not got the procedure and kept our baby, he would of stuck around and

tried again with me......Now..... I don't even have that. It's hard, I know hes in another state right now working hard and has a lot of

work ahead of him, but.....he kissed me before we departed and told me he'd see me in a week......Whyd he have to do that if he was just

going to ignore me. Im crying off and on and its draining for me. I live with nobody but myself and its depressing and lonely and I have no

baby anymore......

[Avila]

i don't know if he'll come back. he may, he may not. who knows? and why would you want to be with someone who would only stick around if you had their baby? (he likely wouldn't have and might have come to resent you for it.) Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with YOU because they think you are wonderful? Don't you want to be with someone who will contact you even when they are busy just to see if you're okay? it's hard being by yourself and having no one at hand to talk to. but you are worth more than that. you deserve so much more. you need to realize your self worth and demand better behaviour from him for yourself. having a baby to keep someone around just makes it seem like you have low self esteem and very little self- worth. he likely treats you the way he does because of this, because he can and you accept that from him.

 

you deserve love, respect and care from a man. if he's not providing that for you than you need to concentrate on yourself rather than him. it doesn't matter if you love him. his behaviour so far is not promising.

 

as for crying and feeling exhausted, that is completely normal. we all get like that when we are emotionally strained. i suggest putting a pair of sunglasses on and going for a walk, seeing some mates, just anything that gets you out and about in the fresh air. put all the bad feelings you feel in a 'too hard' box for now, close it and put it all away for as long as you can manage and try to stay busy. i know it hurts. i know the uncertainty and the hoping is unsettling. but just know that what's meant to happen will happen. he knows you want him. don't chase after him. if he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't than it wasn't meant to be. all that means is that there is someone better out there for you.

[delicous]

I contacted him today, I couldn't take it any longer..... He called me and we talked and he told me he was sorry he didn't call sooner, just been working, which is what I figured.... He told me he'd be there anytime I need him, but then he also told me, he is staying in the other state hes working in for the next 3 months

He told me he thinks about me all the time.....just a lot.... he even hinted towards the fact that i might be the right girl for him.. I wish this was what he for sure "KNOWS" instead of how he put it, but yeah..... I have someone else who just recently let me know he likes me and wants to date me and I am going to do so.

I really like this guy and he just might be the person who helps me get over my ex boyfriend who is very very confused.....

 

It hurts now that hes gotten in touch with me because my feelings are so strong for him. My text consists of letting him know I love him still....Uuum...anyways, yes, I know what you mean by putting the "too hard" in a box.......It'd what ive been trying to do this whole week...Everything will be okay, I just need to keep moving forward.......... But I do love him, so even if this certain person who i am interested in wins my heart over...when my ex comes back, who knows how I will feel...

I am just glad I found someone worth getting to know better.... I am entirely uncertain about what I am doing, but I think I am doing the right thing...

[Avila]

it's a hard situation. just know that it's going to be alright. it might not be the best thing to get involved with this other guy straight away. it's what is known as a 'rebound' and it may just cause double the hurt for you.

 

just let the one you are in love with do his thinking. don't contact him. he won't be making his mind up straight away in any case. there's this one phrase that my ex boss said to me when i was having the worst day of my life.. 'love is like a butterfly, if it's yours set it free.. and it will come back to you.' if not than it's not meant to be. it's hard to relax and let it go when you're at that stage where you want them so much. but as time passes you are able to let it go a little bit and focus on your wants and desires. you deserve the best and don't tell yourself any different. stay strong xo

[lavenderdove]

Honey the thing is that someone who genuinely and unequivocally loves you will make that known in so many ways. So he leaves you after a traumatic experience like that, and then doesn't call you for 4 or 5 days? Doesn't matter if he's working, he's got a cell phone and doesn't work 24 hours a day.

 

And he's never been committed to you, always cheating and talking about an ex... this guy just isn't into you enough to have you waste your time with him, and he certainly is selfish and doesn't even bother to call you after everything you just went thru and such a hard decision and tough time. I think you have all these feelings for him that you are projecting onto him, but he just isn't matching them or reciprocating. You're dying to talk to him, and he's talking about being too busy to call you because he is working? Really, that is a non-excuse. A man who loved you enough would be anxious and excited to stay in touch with you, talk to you every day, and probably more than once a day. This guy just isn't there for you and isn't even all that interested in staying in touch with you regularly, as much as you hoped he would be, and never has been.

 

So i think what you need to do now is really start focusing on yourself and what is right for you, and not projecting your own feelings onto someone who is not really reciprocating them. You need to find a guy who can't wait to talk to you, not some guy who drops in now and again for a little ex sex while talking about other women and not even bothering to invest much in you at all. He took the free sex, but he didn't sign up for more, and is still not acting like a man in love or one who wants a relationship with you. So it is best to just let him go and focus on finding someone who is interested in that, and who is faithful and loyal all the time, not just once in a while when he's in the mood for a hookup.

[delicous]

Avila, thanks for being supportive and not tearing me down over this. I know he cares, he doesn't say the L word to his own grandma, its hard for him to say it to his own mother....It doesn't mean he doesn't love them... 4-5 days is bad, but 2 wks was the time line for his mom and she had to call him. He is working hard, very hard and I know this...The guys he brought down with him are already ready to get on a plane and go home because he works them so hard. He could be lieing, but I think the important part about this is that he got in contact whenever I reached out to him.... I believe 100% if ever, i was in trouble and I needed him, he'd be there or he'd send one of his friends to help me.... It means a lot, and he means a lot still...He'd drive al the way back even though, he wishes not to because of all the miles he put on his vehicle, but if I got in an accident or hurt and laying in the hospital, I believe he'd drop everything he's doing to get to me....

 

Lavender, I know what you mean by what you are saying and it's all negativity. I believe you think negative and negative things happen... I can't help how I feel about this man and he is not the way you mention... He cheated on me 1 time and I don't know if that is the truth or not, but only one time is what he told me. Now the one thing I do agree with is the comment about focusing on myself. I am too nice and people like to try to walk all over me. I need to focus on that and I am for the most part.. But it's really time to kick it into high gear and i plan to do just that. I start work soon, will enroll in school and get my stuff together. I need to work on a routine and im trying...

 

I am tired of trying to be his image of what I think he wants. It is time to try to focus on what I want and need. I do love him though and always will and I believe the saying Avila was saying about the butterfly comment....

[gtnovru]

Have you had the abortion yet?! I have so much personal experience to add to this. Please reply.

[lavenderdove]

I'm not being negative, i'm being realistic. There is a difference between wanting to be 'positive' and not really looking at another person's behavior and evaluating whether they are right or wrong for you. His behavior is pretty obvious... he's may not a horrible guy, but he's not interested in being your steady BF or he'd behave very differently than he has been behaving.

 

My guess is that maybe you haven't been treated well in life if you think him ignoring you for days after you've had an abortion and cheating on you (even once) and constantly harking back to his feelings for his ex is OK behavior in a potential BF. It just isn't, and you need to raise your own standards and expect more from someone who you let into your private life enough to fall in love with them. Being in love doesn't mean you should excuse being treated badly, it means you should fight to see him realistically, and protect yourself emotionally from him if necessary.

 

He can mean a whole lot to you emotionally, but you have to be careful not to project your own feelings of love onto the guy and assume he loves you or has your best interests at heart, when he clearly is not committed to you and is still seeing and babbling about another women. The point I am making here is there is nothing virtuous about letting people walk all over you or casting them as Prince Charming when they are behaving in a less than princely way. The best way to stop them from walking all over you is to really try to see them for who they are, not just what you want them to be, and draw healthy boundaries that both protect your heart and will keep away people who try to take advantage of you or who aren't really offering you want you want and need and are instead just taking from you and not really returning your own feelings.

[gtnovru]

Okay sorry I read through everything now, and see that you did. I was 7 weeks pregnant too, when my boyfriend told me he wanted an abortion, he couldn't handle the pressures of a child just yet, he said he wasn't ready. We went to the clinic, but left, we'd decided to continue the pregnancy, even went and looked at baby stuff. He seemed excited, and I was too. I wanted more than anything to be with him and start a family. A week later he told me he wanted the abortion after all. He also said he wanted us to take a break, it wasn't working out. I freaked out, I had no idea if I should keep the baby or not. If he was having doubts about us, he was probably going to leave no matter what I did. And I had the hardest time deciding what to do. I decided, if he's gonna leave me, I'm keeping the baby. I'd raise it on my own because I knew having an abortion would leave me feeling emtpy and alone, especially if he was going to leave me. When I told him this, he back pedaled, saying "no no we're not breaking up, I wanna be with you, let's do the abortion, we're staying together, we're a team, we're gonna start fresh and work on the relationship". I was so stupid to fall for that. He came over the night before the abortion, we had sex, fell asleep holding each other, the next day he supported me through the whole process, took me there, went home with me, took a nap with me all day holding me, I felt relieved and happy. The next day, he ignored all calls and texts. I had a nervous breakdown. He had left me, I fell for his lies. Two days later, he finally texts me saying it's over. I was so distraught I ended up in inpatient therapy and have since transferred to daily outpatient therapy. Also, the abortion wasn't done right, ended up in the ER having to have surgery. I texted him about it, he didn't care. He's moved onto a new life and didn't want me or our child, and he lied to me. But, as awful and nasty of a person as he's been, even using me for money at times, I still pathetically love him. I hope that goes away. He has no idea how much pain he's caused me, nor does he care. Such a selfish person. At least yours is still talking to you.

[delicous]

ttugrl, I just read your post! I can NOT believe how much of a jerk someone who claims to love you can be.!!!! Unbeievable, he CONNED you!

If I havn't made it to intensive therapy yet, I don't think I ever will lol, but good for you for seeking help...And how long did it take you to realize

something was wrong with the procedure??? I had a pretty crazy experience myself, and my uterus has been bleeding forever now...well i got it

done monday and it is now saturday....Won't stop bleeding!

 

Lavender, I don't know what else I can say to you to make you understand how I feel about him.........But everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I know what you are saying, but like I have been mentioning, I still love him and want him and don't think i'll ever really forget about him, even if these 3 months go by and we only talk once a week....it's better than nothing at all. Im not going to try to analyze my background history of phycology in my life to narrow down why I treat people the way I treat them and how I feel about them...