The Whole Story

[kts]

Hey all. I have posted on here before and I wanted to make one post about my whole story and get some additional feedback and support. I'm struggling so much with accepting things being over. I can't seem to let go of that hope and the idea of him and part of me doesn't even want to. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is all so long! Some of it is directly copy and pasted from of my other threads, apoligies! I got a little lazy! Any advice or support, encourgement, anything would be so helpful. I'm really hurting!

 

Again sorry for the incredible length...

 

We broke up because he had a concussion and wanted to be alone cause he couldn't handle being in a relationship at the time. He said when we broke up, that he didn't want to make a final decision yet so he wanted to talk after a month or so. He said he hoped that when we talked again, he would want to get back together.

 

Then he forgot about our talk...which hurt a lot, but he just genuinely forgot and then later apologized a lot about it. And then we got together to talk.

 

So basically he just still seemed so confused and doesn't know what he wants. He was pretty clear that he just doesn't want a relationship right now and can't tell me when that will be. He said things like he could see us together in the future but just not right now and he doesn't know when that will be and after I said that I didn't want to be in limbo anymore, he said that he didn't want to string me along.

 

He sent a lot of mixed signals and at time I felt like we were going to get back together, I could feel it and then I felt it just slipped through our finger tips completely. I suggested dating and he said he didn't want to get my hopes up cause he didn't know what would happen. But he seemed upset when I said I didn't want to wait anymore. He doesn't want to hold me back but he doesn't know what he wants. I asked him if he would tell me if he ever starts to have feelings again. Before I had even finished the sentence, he told me he would pinky promise (it was kind of a cute thing we used to do) that he would tell me the second he knows what he wants. I expressed pretty clearly to him what I want out a relationship in the future and he seemed to agree with me.

 

He just kept saying things like, I don't know what I want right now, I want you, I don't want strings attached, I don't know when I will want a relationship and I don't want to hold you back. I don't want to put a label on myself, I miss you in my life, I want you as my friend back because you were my best friend.

 

And it's true we really are best friends and I really miss having him in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to be friends just yet but I really want to be there for him. He doesn't seem to be doing to well and his home life isn't great either, his parents have been kind of forgetting about him lately and just leaving him there and he's gotten into some not so great things. I don't think he can handle a relationship right now, he's been in one almost his whole life, he jumps from girl friend to girl friend.

 

I'm just so heart broken and still not even sure what we really decided to do. When we left we stood there just hugging and talking and kissing. He said how he really missed me as a friend (and in other ways). He was glad I was open to being friends and seeing what happens, but at the same time, he doesn't want to string me along anymore. He said he really likes his life now, I feel like he is just so afraid of all the bad that was in our relationship just coming through again so he's afraid to try while he's still not "stable". He said I was his best friend, and he wants that back. He said he was sad but also happy that this was happening and that we could just be friends again. I don't know what to do though.

 

I want to have him in my life but I want to be with him. I miss him so terribly and I feel awful because he still seems like such a mess and I don't know what to do about. I'm debating asking him to coffee in like a week or two to just kind of clarify what we are and where we are going. I might be having a party this weekend and I told him to come, he said he would if he doesn't go on a trip with his friends. I don't know what to do though. I miss him so much and I want to be with him still, and I don't want to give up, but at the same time I've been a sitting duck for so long that it's been getting so hard. I told him no matter what, the door for getting back together for us is always open. But that's the way it kind of is for me with a lot of people. I don't believe in holding grudges and if there was never any real harm done, I always like to give people a second chance. He told me he was always there for me and that he would always be there for me if I ever needed to talk.

 

He did say something like, I feel like you and me are going to be like a movie. We're going to meet up in a couple years randomly at some bar and go on a date and fall in love all over again. I mean his intentions were sweet but that just sounded dumb to me. I'm so upset though I want to be with him so so badly that I really just don't even know what to do. I don't think he can handle a relationship right now, it just hurts that wasn't even willing to try. And it's not that he wants to go out and hook up with a bunch of other girls, he just doesn't want a label.

 

I want to be there for him and help him to try and figure all of this out but I don't know what I can do or what I even should do. He was just so confused and I don't think he knows what he even wants. I asked him if I could give him a kiss and he didn't say anything so I said never mind but then kind of grabbed me and did it anyway, and it just still felt so right. We kissed a couple times but nothing more than that. Our last hugs I said I didn't want to let go and he said me neither. He said that he thought at the beginning we would get bak together but now he doesn't know. I don't know what to do and I'm so heartbroken!

 

I feel like in time and after seeing me he will remember what he wants and what he wants out of me, but I don't think he knows where to fit me in, in his life without hurting me and I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I want to be with him so badly but I just don't know how or what to do about it.

 

I talked to him last tuesday morning, the day after we decided to not try again, and kinda asked him to clarify how we had left things. We talked for a bit and he told me that he didnt want to string me along anymore, and he wasn't ready for any kind of relationship, but he hadn't given up. I asked him that even if it looks like I'm moving on and living my life, that I don't want him to try and stop figuring out if he wants to be with me and he said im not.

 

I talked to his mom too on thursday and she said he called her crying saying that it was the most difficult thing he ever had to do. She thinks that he's really struggling with not being with me and that he's confused about everything. She said that he realized at the end of the year, once we were apart, that he had missed out a lot on senior year and he didn't want to do that in college too. It makes me mad cause I missed out on my senior year too but I didn't care because I loved him and the time we spent together. Every one thinks that he's depressed, including his therapist. But then his mom said she doesn't think its cause of the concussion, but because he's not with me. She said that everyone in his life, even his friends that didn't really like me, are telling him to get back together with me. We decided to be best friends and we've ben talking a bit and what not but its incredibly hard! he went to new york this weekend so he didn't have service apparently but i texted him on thursday to clarify something. I told him when we broke up that i was glad cause i liked this nick guy from bentley and that i almost hooked up with someone at a party. neither of these things are true so i wanted to come clean. he just texted me and said its cool, thanks for telling me the truth, it kind of bothered me but not really. dont worry about it. i responded with yea i feel lik i wanted you to think i was more okay then i was? idk im sorryyyyy and i havent heard anything from him yet that was like 45 mins ago.

 

I just really don't know what to do. I love him so much and I would do literally anything to be with him but I don't know what to do at this point. We both still love each other and we both want to be together but I think he's just so scared about the bad things in our relationship that he doesn't want to try again. he doesn't want the strings attached to a relationship but its so hard and almost unbearable to be without him. i dont know what to dooooooooooo. sometimes i dont even remember that we're broken up and i still feel like im with him. its so hard he means the world to me and i miss him every second. i cant get through even like 15 mins without thinking about him. even at the party i was thinking about him all night long and i how he wasnt there. i almost called him....its so hard to let go idk what to do anymore.

 

Sorry for the length but please any help is greatly appreciated!

[Nidania]

Best advice I can give you is look after yourself first and foremost. You say he's not wanting to "string you along"... but he makes that cheesy movie reference? He said he's not ready for a relationship, but he hasn't given up?

 

Sounds like the guy has no clue what he wants in life, and is keeping you in the wings for that just-in-case-maybe moment when he decides to be with you, after all. That moment is a BIG maybe, and you've pretty much put your life on hold waiting for someone else to decide what's going to happen next.

 

Be fair to yourself, and move on. You're ready to do anything for him, and he clearly is not.

[Pleasedonot5]

I already sent you a pm about this, but it really seems to me like he's subconsciously stringing you along. I think my ex was doing that to me too. It's not their fault... I just don't think that they realize it and how painful it is for us...

 

The cheesy movie reference, I agree, is a big clue as to how he's feeling. Time and space here is needed so that he doesn't string you along and wean himself off of you while he finds another "new and exciting" girl. He needs to realize how life will be without you. And believe me, the way you describe him, he will miss you if you go NC!

 

Have a good day

[kts]

I just found he has a girlfriend, through facebook. It hurts like hell and I don't know what to anymore. I'm so confused and hurt by all of this and I don't know what I want or how to deal with any of this. It hurts so much. How could he just lie to me like that? Feed me all of these lies and then just turn around and act like nothing ever happened between us, like we never meant anything. I don't even know what to do.

[Mr_LFA]

I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't had a chance to read everything but it sounds like a rebound.

not the dreaded FB...sooner you block/delete him or don't look on there, the better it will be for you. The sooner I got off there, I was able to move on a heal much much quicker.

You're just going to have to try and move on with NC and accept that it is over.

[pippy longstocking]

big big hugs to you darling ...xxxx

[kts]

LFA - already blocked him and deleted his number. I'm still so hurt and accepting that its over after everything that we have been through is the absolute hardest. i dont even know want to think anymore. im doubting everything that was ever said.

 

star - thank you as always love...dont know what i would do with out your support xxx