Purposefully, difficult?

[hoboken12]

My exgirlfriend and I broke up quite a long time ago. But I still sometimes think of her sometimes and get angry about the whole situation. I only have one question about her that I can't figure out.

It always seems like she rebels against anything that I would want or say. While we were dating her ex came into the picture and said he was still in love with her. I told her immediately I thought it was a bad idea to lead him on, and if she wasn't leading him on then she was leading me on. I thought I was being fair, just wanted to make her commit to a decision either way. She refused saying that she loved me, but she was good friends with him long before they ever dated. So I allowed it and we still dated. But he would always show up to events that she and I were at and basically interrupt us and she would allow it, and even encourage it. Eventually, one night when I was out of town she cheated with him. I don't know details but I know they were seen making out at a bar together. So I broke up with her.

 

Anyways, here is what gets to me to this day. When we were dating she refused to spend time with my friends. We always had to be with her friends (including her exboyfriend). Anytime there was something going on in my circle of friends, there was always something more important with her circle. If I objected she said I was over reacting. So finally after we broke up, she would call me on occasion to see if I wanted to go out for a drink, or go out to dinner. This is only a week or two after we broke up and she immediately started dating someone new. I would talk to her and state that I thought it was a bad idea. I really wanted no contact at all anymore. So eventually I stopped answering the phone. So she all of a sudden wants to be friends with all of my friends. Seemingly just to keep some sort of contact with me.

 

To make a long story short (too late), I don't understand why she acts this way. When we were dating she would do exactly the opposite of anything that I asked, (maybe so that I would break up with her?) then when I finally do break up with her she wants to go out on dates (go out to dinner, go out for drinks just her and I). When I want her to get to know my friends she refuses. When I don't want her to have anything to do with my life she has to befriend everyone that I know. Does anyone understand this? Clue me in, if I am totally missing something

[hockeyboy]

This isnt the same situation but I know when my ex and i broke up...she refused to call me, but she would call 3 of my close friends a lot. None of them ever picked up her calls though. They are good friends. I asked her why the hell she was trying to call my friends and she would say it was none of my business. I think she felt guilty about what she had done...how she had treated me...but didnt want to deal with it directly. Basically, with my friends permission, i told her to never try calling my friends again...and if she tried again, this time they would pick up and they wouldnt have very pleasant things to say to her. she stopped...and we dont talk at all anymore.

[Cecelius]

Yes, I have some insight: SHe is messed up in the head. She is a creature of wants (and usually you want what you can't have or don't have) and isn't mature enough or empathetic enough to realize that her wants (which she perceives as being just enjoying her relationship the way she wants to or keeping a friend the way she wants to) are (1) out of most people's bounds for appropriate conduct and (2) not supportive of the other person.

 

The only way the new guy will keep going out with her is if she doesn't tell him about all this bad stuff she's done. Otherwise, he'll dump her or game her because while you only had to factor in one Ex, he has to factor in 2 Exes.

 

Basically, she wants to have people who keep her up and enthusiastic and keep her ego blown up. She cheated on you and you had the right reaction: dump her and walk away without concern. No anger or irritation because she's shown she isn't worth that kind of reaction -- she's trashy, so let her find someone appropriate to her position. But she still needs you (and by proxy, your friends) to pump her up because she can't take the idea that someone has no opinion of her -- she can't stand that void. If she found out you were stewing with anger over what she did, she would not be happy about it, but she would know that she had an impact.

 

Ignore her and tell your friends they can do what they want, but she's not worth your time, why should she be worth theirs?

[hockeyboy]

ya..i pretty much dont really care anyomre. im very calm. she didnt technically cheat on me...but she may as well have. but whatever..im glad it happened, no regrets, i learned a lot.

[Scout]

I agree with all of Cecelius' points - he depicted your ex pretty accurately, in fact.

 

I'd also like to take a moment to commend you from getting out of such a one-sided relationship where your feelings weren't taken into account, or your issues listened to and respected. I am sure it wasn't easy for you, but you obviously have a healthy self-esteem and realized her behavior was completely unacceptable.

 

I just wish more people would walk away from totally unsatisfying relationships with selfish people instead of putting up with it.

 

You also learned a valuable lesson about what happens when our girlfriends/boyfriends insist on staying close with an ex. I totally would have had the same concerns you did, and yep, they turned out to be right. I'm sorry you experienced that, but again, happy for you that you got out. Tell this girl to take a hike - you don't need someone like that in your life at all.

[hockeyboy]

way ahead of you scout.. shes gone and for the past week i have been the happiest i have been in a long long time. ive been smiling constantly, and if i feel down, i biring myself right back up...dont depend on anyone. life is good. im only 23, i have a new car, an apartment, a good job, i like to think im good looking, im nice, i have morals, ive got health, friends, family...the only thing missing is that speacial someone...but she'll find me...not worried bout it. in fact, i may have already crossed paths with her..this new girl...im taking it so so so slow..time will tell.

[Scout]

My response was to Hoboken's post, actually. I'm happy for you too, that you're on the way to recovery. Stay strong!

[hockeyboy]

oops, sorry...but ty anyways.

[hoboken12]

Thank you both Cecelius and Scout. You both have good points, she wasn't very concerned about what I was getting in the relationship only with what I was giving her. Everyone deserves better treatment than that.

 

I guess the thing that always tripped me up was that there were a lot of people around that loved to spend time with her. So I think sometimes I would question myself like, "She must not be that bad if so many people enjoy her so much" that is when I would question myself if I was over-reacting.

 

Thanks for the complement scout. I guess the thing that sucks is, even though I got out of the bad relationship, I lost my friends over it. I don't know what she has told them. But they seem to be saying things to try to make me jealous, like that they are inviting her to visit, but they won't tell me when so I won't get upset about it. And the last time I talked to her she knew quite a lot about my private and social life. She seemed to take pride that she knew all these things about what I've been up to, and yet I knew nothing about what she had been up to. It all seems very manipulative doesn't it? I just wanted to end it and say goodbye, what in the world could she be getting out of this