2 weeks NC and today is the worst day yet

[bpm103]

After 4 years she ended it... I can't say I blame her as I put her through some things no woman deserves. I had moved for a job at the beginning of the year but I was seriously considering moving back and proposing to her. The last time we spent together was a nice long weekend at the end of May. I thought things went well but a week after I returned home I could tell she was distant in our phone conversations and texts. Eventually, after forcing it out of her, she said that she just didnt feel the same the last time she saw me. This shocked me as I thought we connected well on every level. I thought she was affectionate and loving. Although looking back I do recall some distant moments. I attributed those to her hesitation to jump back in after a recent event made her pull away from me again. I thought that things would level off.

 

When she told me she had lost the drive to continue fighting for us I told her I understood. I told her I loved her and only want her to be happy. I wasn't crying but I was an emotional wreck inside. I wanted to respect her decision and not give her any additional grief or stress - I had done enough in the 4 years we were together. Unfortunately, I decided to change and figured out how I could do it too late. She texted me later that night and said she loved me but didn't know what was going on with her right now.

 

Fast forward to today. It's been two weeks. I have been spending time with healthy friends, doing healthy activities, taking care of my body, journaling, going to therapy, and trying to focus on how I can become a better man. But I cannot focus at work. I am consumed with thoughts of her and wanting to be back together. I miss her so much. I feel like I should tell her that despite me not replying to her last text and not being emotional on the phone, I still love her and I hope she is well. But that is only fishing for her to tell me she misses me and regrets ending things.

 

I want to have faith that things will work out as long as I take care of my side of the street but I don't want to have false hope.

 

I'm scared, really sad, I can't stop thinking about her, and my work performance is suffering which is making things worse.

[laura-j]

Hey there, I'm in a very similar boat, although not as long a relationship. I never know how I'm going to feel every day. 2 weeks from break up was ridiculously hard out of nowhere. Sometimes I'm all well if he doesn't want me, I don't want him, then back to what can I do to get him back??? It's a rollercoaster for sure... and not a fun one. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, except for the work focus.

 

God this is hard.

[bpm103]

Thanks for replying laura... it's just a helpless feeling. In my situation I know that I have work to do on myself and if I don't I will never be in a healthy relationship with her or anyone else. Mornings can be really difficult though... so can 4:21pm in the afternoon though, lol... it comes out of nowhere and punches ya in the stomach. What a horrible feeling!!! However, texting or calling will be a temporary solution and it could make it worse so it's just not worth it. Since she called it off I will give her the space she wants and retain what little dignity I have left.

 

Posting here helps in the meantime while I strive to become a better man for the next woman I am with (be it her or another). THAT, I am highly focused on. I have to love myself before I can provide strong, stable, healthy love for someone else.

 

That doesnt mean I don't miss her like crazy.

[gluestick]

Hey bpm, I think you are doing really well not letting your emotions get the better of you. Most of people coming on ENA are very irrational and you can just tell they're going to do something crazy to try and win their ex back instead of facing reality and focus on healing...so huge props to you!

 

I know the feeling of having all your thoughts be consumed about her. Sometimes it feels like you're going crazy, but this too will pass. Unfortunately, it just takes time. I was in your boat when I just had my breakup. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus on work, or function properly. In fact, I'd constantly break down at work for like 2 weeks in front of my coworkers lol. Luckily, they were understanding enough. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do at this point. I would say at least meet your deadlines and get the urgent stuff taken care of at work. As for the work that can wait, take care of that when you are more focused.

 

Know that everything you're feeling is completely normal. You're already one step ahead of the game. You're not begging or groveling for her to come back or taking whatever crumbs she throws at you. That would just reset everything back to 0. The best thing you can do now is to go completely NC until you're 100% healed and know that it could take a long time. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but once you come out the other side, you'll be a lot stronger than you are now. Read ENA threads. I find that extremely helpful as it provided me the rational side I needed so much post BU. Take others' experience and learn from them what not to do after a BU. Knock her off her pedestal, stop taking 100% of the blame, and don't ever settle for crumbs if she throws them at you. Good luck, stay busy, stay in NC, and focus on yourself. It's cliche but time does heal.

[bpm103]

Hey bpm, I think you are doing really well not letting your emotions get the better of you. Most of people coming on ENA are very irrational and you can just tell they're going to do something crazy to try and win their ex back instead of facing reality and focus on healing...so huge props to you!

 

Thanks Glue. I really appreciate you responding. I do have her on a pedestal right now and it's hard not to because I compare all of her actions to mine. Of course she is going to look like an angel when I look at myself, lol. But she has flaws, of course. The hard thing is... without really knowing, I have always wanted perfect and expected perfect from myself and from my relationship partners. One of the sudden changes I have felt in myself is the acceptance of other people's imperfections with her being the first person I was employing that mindset on. I have to admit, finally accepting her as she is and appreciating her as she is was one of the most freeing and romantic feelings I have ever felt. I made the decision to love and support her unconditionally.

 

Yes, I made mistakes. A LOT of them... and I cannot blame her for taking the high road. I likely would have left me a long time ago. But I'm stuck with me I know for a fact that I am going to grow into a wonderful and supportive man. It's going to take time and hard work but I am committed to that just as I decided to commit to her before she broke things off.

 

All I can do is learn from the things she taught me and the things I taught myself when we were together. If we are meant to be together we will be. I still love her to pieces and likely always will... but I'm on a mission to love myself like never before, in a healthy and unselfish way.

 

That was pretty easy to type and think while in the moment... now I just have to hold onto it!