I'm moving out of state. is it selfish to want him to come with me?

[klvd]

I really need some insight,

 

I'm 20 and in community college and seriously considering moving to Florida in 2 months to continue my education there. My boyfriend is 22 and we have been together for almost 2 years.He still lives in our home town, renting a room cheap (about $220?/month) with a couple he went to high school with. He didnt go to college, he works at a warehouse making 12/hr and works stupid late hours. all his family is here and the very few friends that did not move away are here. he doesnt really know what he is doing with his life yet. w/o a degree his options are limited. our relationship the last few months has been stressful to say the least. we had to solve some of his drinking issues and ive been a very miserable person seeing as i hate where i live and go to school and am trying to move but we've managed to pull through and we love each other very very very much. Im aware that we are young and while we do love each other and would like to both get married in the future, we just dont know how likely that is to happen, especially since we've been kinda rocky lately. he said he would try to get a job in FL and come with me but idk if i can ask him to give up everything for a relationship that might not work out in the end.

 

He doesnt have much but what he does have is all here in our hometown, I desperately want him to come with me but idk if its a good idea?

 

I HATE the idea of long distance realtionships. neither of us wants to do that, we believe to be in a relationship you have to spend time together and i already depend on seeing his face regularly during the week, the thought of not being able to be held by him or to kiss him is unbearable.

 

 

Also his family will 100% hate this idea and probably me and we also wouldnt be living together, mainly because if we ended up breaking up, neither one of us could support the rent w.o the other person. so its not because i dont want to live with him, i just fear its too financially risky

[camus154]

This is such a tricky situation.

 

Here's how I think you should handle it. Don't ask him to come with you. Take him out of the equation altogether. Figure out what's best for you. Is there any chance you'll stay? Or is your mind made up that you're definitely leaving, with or without him?

 

If you're set on going, then go. Tell him this is what's best for you and that you can't ask him to follow. Let him decide that on his own.

[FathomFear]

Is this just puppy love or do you actually see yourself with him long term? He has no degree, has drinking problems, is very tied to where he's living, etc. I'm not trying to judge him, but you're not really painting him out to be a "catch".

[SarahRose]

i would say if he doesn't want to move and is ok where he is, that fine. at least he has a job.

 

Is there a particular reason you want to go to Florida? It isn't actually known for being an intellectual climate and jobs tend to pay lower there than the national average.

[RedDress]

I agree with camus.

 

At this point, especially if you have no intention of living together or progressing the relationship at this point in time, you are really working as individuals. That's fine. There isn't anything wrong with that... but either all decisions are made as individuals or as a couple.

 

So... you should think about what is best for you and make your decision independent of whether he comes with you or not. And he should make his decision as well. Sure, his decision can be influenced by the idea that you are going to be there... but he should also take into consideration everything else (job prospects, where he would be living, what he's going to do there, how easy it would be to go back home, etc).

 

In other words, no, I don't think you should ask him to come with you... but if he wants to make that decision on his own, you should let him. But he shouldn't be doing it "for" you... he should be doing it for himself, with his eyes wide open.

[Snny]

I was and AM returning to this situation as you are, OP. I transferred to a 4 year university that was in a far location while my fiance (bf at the time) was floundering and decided what he wanted to do.

 

he doesnt really know what he is doing with his life yet.

This is the root of all the problems you are having with this guy. It is a serious concern that will break your relationship.

 

You are moving on with life and expect a marriage out of him. You also expect him to relocate with you when he has no direction, no long-term goals and NO ambition for career advancement. Once he loses sight of these, then neither one of you can make adult commitments while staying in a relationship.

 

You do not want to co-habit with a person who has no direction in life OR is in no position to help out with the utility/rent bills when you both move out. Florida has a crappy job market at the moment. I got friends down there who are struggling to pay their way and are trying to move up North. On top of everything, he has drinking problems and still has not fully recovered from it. He can't promise you a marriage or a stable life together at this point of time. Yes, this could all change as long as he is willing to accept change and has goals to better himself. The only person who can fix his problems is himself only.

 

You are going down there for an education and for future opportunities. Your boyfriend isn't doing anything for himself. He could be seeking financial aid or discussions in advancing his career opportunities. Instead he is dead weight to your relationship. Don't let him or the situation he chooses to be in hold you back from your opportunities.

 

You deserve to be on board with his plans if you are seeking a long-term commitment. If not... your only option is to dump him and see what happens. I dumped my fiance for a year because he did not get his act together in college and could not prove to me that he was willing to commit to our relationship needs by screwing around in school. Just like your boyfriend, he had no clear direction either. I met/casually dated other people during my last years in college and I was a happier person before I graduated. It changed my fiance a lot and we eventually got back together. He is now engaged, a certified Nurse at a local urban hospital, and is in school part-time for another degree in Sonography. He would have never done this if I did not break up with him. I did both of us one hell of a favor that significantly changed our lives for the better. If you want a relationship to work, then you got to mean business for people to take you seriously.

 

 

So what about right now?

Focus on yourself first. Seriously. Don't make him move in with you until he gets his crap under control... his life plans and drinking problems... or you will be incredibly stressed out and miserable while in school. Finish your degree and get the heck out of college. Meet people while down in Florida. There are a TON of hot guys in Florida, especially at universities. You got nothing to lose here. Speaking from personal experience and from what you described, your relationship with your current boyfriend is not headed in your favor.