Im the Dumper

[paulod]

The title of my post says it all,

I thought I’d share the thoughts of a ‘ New Dumper’ as it may help some on here that try and look for answers.

 

Like most, I found this site a few years ago when I was ‘Dumped’ and like most, I struggled for a long time with my ex’s decision, I tried looking for answers, tried pretty much anything I could to get her back, from no contact (To try and make myself mysterious etc) so she would miss me, to hitting the gym hard and passing info on how great my life was to people I knew would speak to my ex in the hope she would suddenly see me as some kind of sexy stud muffin and come running back, drop to her knees and tell me how she made a mistake and how badly she wanted me back. She never came back, yes I would see her at work, we’d chat in the corridor catch up etc. but as time went on, the chats became a nod of acknowledgement in passing and life moved on, I moved on, got a new job in a new location and that was that.

 

Okay, enough of the background on how I got here and onto the point of this post. I met someone a while back, we became friends and things evolved from there, I wasn’t looking for anything serious and we both knew that, but things developed and we became an ‘item’ and we began going out ( think it was about a year or so) I made a decision last weekend to end the relationship, I’d been thinking about it for a while, it wasn’t what I wanted. There was no other party involved or anything like that, I just decided that for me it had run its course. As is usually the case she, unfortunately didn’t see it coming. Trust me when I say I didn’t enjoy breaking up, I don’t enjoy knowing that she is heartbroken but for me I couldn’t stay in a relationship if I wasn’t happy and didn’t want to take it to the next level, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

 

(The point of my post, the other side of the breakup)

 

I stopped contact with her last week, not to be nasty, rude or aloof but because I know I can’t say anything to her that’s going to make her feel any better and I don’t want to appear to be ‘feeding her breadcrumbs’ . She sent me a text last night, she’s struggling, can’t understand why I did it, I seem so calm about it all and it seems like I’ve forgotten all about her. I made a decision as to what was best for me, right or wrong, it was something I had to do for me. It wasn’t easy, and as I’ve said I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I’ve not forgotten about her and I’m not about to find a replacement. She’s gone away to go stay with friends but wants to talk when she gets back (Which I don’t think is a good idea, certainly at this early stage) I’m seeing this from the other side of the breakup and I’m making decisions as the ‘Dumper’.

At some point I will run into her for the first time since the split, (we don’t live that far apart) how it’s going to go, I have no idea, I’m not looking forward to the awkwardness or how she is going to react, it may go well, it may not, but it will happen.

 

I wrote this as maybe it can help some who have recently split up and wonder why the other person doesn’t seem to care, they seem to have forgotten you, why they don’t contact. They do care, they havn’t forgotten you and sometimes they don’t contact as what good would it do?? What to say?? There’s nothing they can say that’s going to make you feel any better. And I personally wouldn’t want to seem to be leading her on if its going nowhere

When I made my decision I not only lost a partner, I also lost a friend that I care a lot about. My post probably sounds very clinical, I don’t mean it to be, it wasn’t an easy decision but it was one I had to make.

 

And that’s about it really, a small insight onto the mind of someone who’s recently ended a relationship.

 

 

P

[TearsofFate]

Hey paulod, I agree after we break up with someone it's a lot easier to see why our ex's pulled the plug (so to speak) on us. I never actually broke up with anyone until recently and never knew why ex's broke up. To me it was a horrible, cruel, cold, thing...(it can be) but for the most part it isn't.

 

After breaking up I realized a lot of things. Sometimes break ups happen when you have the best intentions, and care about the person very much. Sometimes attractions just fade, and sometimes there isn't even a reason, so we try so hard to explain it, when sometimes we can't. Breaking up with someone made me feel like utter and complete garbage.

 

I dwelled over it, I regretted, I lost my mind for a few days, I remembered the good times, I cried, I even spent a few weeks not doing anything. I didn't call them back or treat them nicely because I didn't want to hurt them anymore by leading them on. I just became distant and cold to them, to try and give an easier time in the long run...I wasn't mean. Just cold. As the dumper, I was feeling a lot of pain too. I felt like a jerk to be honest, and there are so many times I wanted to reach out and hug my ex, and say "you're really not a bad guy! You're amazing!" but I knew he'd take it the wrong way.

 

Relationships are tough

[jaciej]

You are being honest but I must say you also sound pretty cold and clinical about it. For someone who has been on that other side of the fence you don't seem very sympathic to her plight, I am not surprised she is taking it badly, at first you say you werent looking for anything serious, but you just "fell" into a relationship. You got serious then bailed.

 

There is no point going through the motions I guess...

[Donovan79]

There is no point going through the motions I guess...

 

Exactly. But how could he "sound more sympathetic"? Talk to her more about it? Seems like that might give her false hope. If someone just ends up being not right for you for whatever reason, isn't it better to tell them "You're absolutely wonderful, there's no one else, I'm just an idiot who needs to work on his own issues for now, but for both of us to pick up and move on as fast as possible I think it's best that we don't stay in contact"? Otherwise he runs the risk of others you see posting here who continue to keep hope alive.

[EgoJoe]

Awesome. Examine why you are not happy and ask yourself if you expect happiness to come from your relationship via another person.

 

If the answer is yes, then you need to do some more introspection.

[EricaNicole]

You did the right thing breaking up with her if you weren't happy. You're right that it wouldn't be fair to either of you to keep the relationship going if you weren't into it anymore.

 

The fact that you're being really distant from her may or may not be the right thing to do. On one hand it may make her feel like you really don't care that she's struggling, but on the other hand it may give her false hope if you talk to her again, which wouldn't help her at all since you're sure that you want to be done with her.

 

If you've said everything that you have to say and she knows this wasn't easy for you either, then you're probably doing the right thing. If I was her, it would be slightly comforting to know that you cared I was struggling and slightly comforting as well if I felt that you were at least sort of sad about the break up too. However, I've been the one being broken up with all too many times, and you're right that most of the time there's nothing that can actually make a big impact. She's just going to need time to heal.

 

She says she doesn't understand. Maybe she truly doesn't. She probably is wondering what she did wrong to make you not want to be with her, and if it's true that you just don't think you two are a good fit, then it may also be slightly comforting if she could feel like there was nothing she could have done to prevent this and that she didn't do anything wrong.

 

Above all, though, she's just going to need time. Maybe someday in the future once she's had time to heal you can contact her again and maybe even be friends if you think that you can both handle it.

[jaciej]

Exactly. But how could he "sound more sympathetic"? Talk to her more about it? Seems like that might give her false hope. If someone just ends up being not right for you for whatever reason, isn't it better to tell them "You're absolutely wonderful, there's no one else, I'm just an idiot who needs to work on his own issues for now, but for both of us to pick up and move on as fast as possible I think it's best that we don't stay in contact"? Otherwise he runs the risk of others you see posting here who continue to keep hope alive.

 

If it was an amicable split eg. just run its course. I see no problem with at least checking in now and again and seeing how she is. He said they were originally friends. You can show that even though you may not be together, that you do care about her wellbeing. The fact that it was a bolt out of the blue for her, it seems rather harsh to slam on the brakes and go N/C, if she hadnt actually done anything wrong. Obviously he doesnt want to give her false hope, but doesnt mean you cant be decent about it.

[Donovan79]

If it was an amicable split eg. just run its course. I see no problem with at least checking in now and again and seeing how she is. He said they were originally friends. You can show that even though you may not be together, that you do care about her wellbeing. The fact that it was a bolt out of the blue for her, it seems rather harsh to slam on the brakes and go N/C, if she hadnt actually done anything wrong. Obviously he doesnt want to give her false hope, but doesnt mean you cant be decent about it.

 

I go back and forth, tbh. Checking back in almost always restores hope, though fortunately (or unfortunately, maybe), most of my exes have done a pretty good job of setting up a wall of bitterness so that if I do check back in I'll likely get a "Yeah yeah, I'm fine, a**hole, hope you're well!" and that's about it. Often I think that if you're really, really over someone, no going back, you need to do the nicest, longest, most caring breakup conversation, tell them how very very special they are, then explain the reasons for NC, and stick to it.

 

But I just broke NC with the girl I broke up with but still carry a torch for yesterday, so what the hell do I know.

[paulod]

Thanks for all the replies, my post does sound a bit cold and clinical, Ive re-read it and I agree that I do sound cold and uncaring (Which is not the case) I thought it did.

 

We text last weekend after the split, just generally checking how each other was the texts just faded off ( Ran out of general chit chat maybe??) I didn't text again because I didn't want to give her what could be seen as false hope, I knew how it was when I got texts from my ex when I was the one who was 'Dumped', and I'm dealing with my own emotions, guilt being one of them.

 

When she text me last night I replied as best I could at the time. I told her that I cared but that I wasn't happy, there was nothing she could do, I wan't happy and I don't think that having a chat about me ending it a week after the event is a very good idea. She needs time to sort herself out and me texting to see how she's doing isn't going to help matters.

 

I care about her and I don't especially feel great or happy about what I've done, but if I don't want to be in this relationship any longer then I had a decision to make, end it now, or carry on 'Pretending' I was happy when I wasn't, which option is the more 'Decent'? both scenarios are total rubbish. Whether it was a total bolt out of the blue for her I don't really know, I'm only guessing, but it's always a shock when it happens if you know its coming or not.

 

P

[jaciej]

You are in a no-win situation, damned if you do, damned if you dont. Break ups are awful, I wouldnt wish it on anybody. But you couldnt go through life pretending, you would have only made it a lot worst. She will heal and find love again, and so will you. Its just one of those things unfortunately that we have to go through.

[learning2relax]

Thank you for being so brave and honest. Question for you.....did you love her? Do you still love her?

[Flyers]

Paulod -- I like this thread. I've wanted to write about something similar but haven't really been able to find the right words. This forum seems to be mainly filled with people who have been broken up with (dumpees). The person who does the breaking up always seems to be cast in such a negative light. It seems the opinions around here focus on how bad a person is for breaking things off. In a relationship, both parties must have their needs met and both need to feel an overall sense of happiness. If that 's not accomplished, it's generally time to terminate the arrangement. Unfortunately, it always seems to be one-sided. One partner is fulfilled while the other struggles to find a sense of contention to stay in the relationship. Sometimes, it's just not worth it to work so hard on a relationship if you're just not feeling the other person any longer. Its a completely different game if two people are married. At this point, you've made promises and commitments to each other that I feel need to be fulfilled, and working hard on the union makes sense. When you're in a general non-marital relationship (doesn't matter if its just a few months or a few years) you don't necessarily owe it to the other person to work things out no matter what. Life is short and if you're not completely satisfied with your partner, it's time to move on and let the other person do the same.

 

I think people (it's human nature) feel completely rejected and their egos take a huge hit when they are dumped. The truth is, this happens all the time. It's really painful being the one left behind, but life needs to move forward. What I'm trying to say is that people are not cold, heartless, mean, etc. just because they break up with you. It's a part of life. I would never want someone to stay with me if they weren't 100% invested in the relationship -- I'd never want someone to stay with me just because they felt bad about how the breakup would affect me. The unfulfilled partner is completely entitled to find something that is a better fit. It doesn't mean that the person left behind is flawed or not good enough. It simply just wasn't a good fit. Wish them well and work on repairing yourself. Don't feel so bad when they don't contact you. Like it was mentioned earlier -- I think dumper enforced NC is the best thing they could do for the dumpee. This is a very respectful way to allow the person in pain to heal without the false expectations that are usually associated with the dumper just "checking in."

 

People on here read too much into the dumper contacting them. Most likely (unless they are professing their undying need to get back together), they are just simply "checking in" -- like described above. As evidence shows all over these boards, there's so much proof of the pain that is caused by the dumper just "checking in" to see how the dumpee is doing.

 

It's a no win situation for the dumper. They are considered cold and heartless when NC is enforced -- but they are also accused of providing breadcrumbs when they check in to see how the dumpee is doing post breakup. Life is not always fair and we don't always get what we want. Most of us have been on the receiving end of a breakup. It hurts pretty bad. But, I'm sure most of us have also done the breaking up. That typically hurts pretty bad too. I wish more people could just look at their exes through a different lens. If you love(d) them as much as many of you proclaim, don't you want them to be happy -- even if it isn't necessarily with you? Go in peace and wish them well. Do your best to move on and become a stronger person by learning from the past. Grieve the relationship, repair your ego, remember the good times and accept that it wasn't meant to be.

[Coconut Twin]

I agree with you. Never feel obliged to stay in a relationship if you're not happy, especially if you've been fighting a loosing battle. (This is a dumpee speaking)

[The_Seeker]

The title of my post says it all,

I thought I’d share the thoughts of a ‘ New Dumper’ as it may help some on here that try and look for answers.

 

Yup it says it all alright.

 

 

Like most, I found this site a few years ago when I was ‘Dumped’ and like most, I struggled for a long time with my ex’s decision, I tried looking for answers, tried pretty much anything I could to get her back, from no contact (To try and make myself mysterious etc) so she would miss me, to hitting the gym hard and passing info on how great my life was to people I knew would speak to my ex in the hope she would suddenly see me as some kind of sexy stud muffin and come running back, drop to her knees and tell me how she made a mistake and how badly she wanted me back. She never came back, yes I would see her at work, we’d chat in the corridor catch up etc. but as time went on, the chats became a nod of acknowledgement in passing and life moved on, I moved on, got a new job in a new location and that was that.

 

So she never gave you a reason. Just cut off cold. Okay. Got cha.

 

Okay, enough of the background

 

Actually, it's good to include a background. Because I'm quite lazy to read your gazillion posts on you.

 

on how I got here and onto the point of this post. I met someone a while back, we became friends and things evolved from there, I wasn’t looking for anything serious and we both knew that, but things developed and we became an ‘item’ and we began going out ( think it was about a year or so)

 

Time-out.

 

You both knew that it was "This dating, nothing serious." Yeah you jumped into a relationship status.

 

Okay...i hope you guys did say what your intentions were in the relationship. if not you sly devil you.

 

I made a decision last weekend to end the relationship,

 

Ok

 

I’d been thinking about it for a while, it wasn’t what I wanted. There was no other party involved or anything like that, I just decided that for me it had run its course. As is usually the case she, unfortunately didn’t see it coming. Trust me when I say I didn’t enjoy breaking up, I don’t enjoy knowing that she is heartbroken but for me I couldn’t stay in a relationship if I wasn’t happy and didn’t want to take it to the next level, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

 

Yeah but did you tell her the reason why? Or did you pull the cold shoulders like your ex did to you?

 

If you did, WHOA. You just became like your ex. No reasons as to why to give her the reason. Just went with "unhappy." Heck I even wonder if you told her as to why you weren't happy in the relationship.

 

 

 

I stopped contact with her last week, not to be nasty, rude or aloof but because I know I can’t say anything to her that’s going to make her feel any better

 

Actually you can.

 

If she is the type that complains "I hate this or I hate that."

 

You can tell her "You always say you hate to do this or that. So I don't feel like I can introduce you to new things. blah blah blah"

 

I wonder if you even bother to think this. Considering you been on the other side.

 

 

and I don’t want to appear to be ‘feeding her breadcrumbs’ .

 

Yeah but you're doing quite well feeding her a dead silence without giving her the proper reason. Saying "I'm unhappy in a relationship with you." Doesn't explain much.

 

 

She sent me a text last night, she’s struggling, can’t understand why I did it, I seem so calm about it all and it seems like I’ve forgotten all about her.

 

Did you explain why you did it?

 

Besides "I'm unhappy."

 

I made a decision as to what was best for me, right or wrong, it was something I had to do for me. It wasn’t easy, and as I’ve said I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I’ve not forgotten about her and I’m not about to find a replacement. She’s gone away to go stay with friends but wants to talk when she gets back (Which I don’t think is a good idea, certainly at this early stage) I’m seeing this from the other side of the breakup and I’m making decisions as the ‘Dumper’.

At some point I will run into her for the first time since the split, (we don’t live that far apart) how it’s going to go, I have no idea, I’m not looking forward to the awkwardness or how she is going to react, it may go well, it may not, but it will happen.

 

Yeah you did it for you. But again, did you explain it to her as to why.

 

I wrote this as maybe it can help some who have recently split up and wonder why the other person doesn’t seem to care, they seem to have forgotten you, why they don’t contact.

 

Okay. But it's not a good enough explanation as to why.

 

They do care,

 

Actually to be honest, they don't. If they do care, and want you to be better, they would give you a reason. Like the example I gave above somewhere. If it's because the attitude or preference, then tell them so maybe they will think about it and improve on their life for themselves.

 

they havn’t forgotten you and sometimes they don’t contact as what good would it do??

 

Uh, it's calling improving your life?

 

For example, if your ex was fat. She doesn't work out. You're not going to be like "I'm unhappy in a relationship."

 

Knowing me, I would be "Hun, you need to work out. You're eating quite unhealthy. I don't want to lose you because of your health. If you let me help you, it will improve our relationship much more. If you don't want to, I understand. But I feel I don't feel attracted to you anymore. I'm being honest." I bet you, that person will either change their habits or won't and breaks up.

 

 

What to say?? There’s nothing they can say that’s going to make you feel any better. And I personally wouldn’t want to seem to be leading her on if its going nowhere

 

Man, are you that negative?

 

It will improve their life on WHAT they need to work on for themselves.

 

When I made my decision I not only lost a partner, I also lost a friend that I care a lot about. My post probably sounds very clinical, I don’t mean it to be, it wasn’t an easy decision but it was one I had to make.

 

Yes i get it you make your decision. But how you made your decision without talking to her first that has been bugging you or what she can do better. Even if you weren't feeling her, you should of told her what made you feel that way. Please don't give me "I wasn't happy."

 

 

And that’s about it really, a small insight onto the mind of someone who’s recently ended a relationship.

 

I don't know. It doesn't add up.

 

It sounded you just took a chance on something due to boredom/little fun. Hence the word "Not serious."

 

 

At least you let her go so she can find someone else and you didn't cheat on her behind her back. So props for you on that.

[rickyspanish]

what makes me so upset is the broken promises. when you say i love you and talk about a future with someone your basically giving an oathe to be wiht that person forever or atleast in the long run. when someone one day decides they dont want to be with you for whatever reason you are breaking that oathe. its like i meant every word i said and was dedicated and appearently you diddnt? it would have saved us all the time if you wouldnt have let thigns get far enough in to where people can get hurt to cut things off. They quit. they diddnt see their promises through. and i dont like that trait in a person whether it be in relationships,work, or just everyday life. if your going to be a quitter dont * * * * ing tell me how much you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me because i planned on seeing it through. its * * * * ing bull * * * * .

 

and as far as saying ex's still do care. no they feel guilty and want to save face. no one wants to be a cold hearted person. in my case it makes me so angry she left because we wernt together that long, she was basically infatuated wiht me for like an entire year, was the first to say she loved me, wanted kids , to travel together, all that. i gave up my job for her, lost friends, let her move in to my place and she just threw it all back in my face and left me. now im left with nothing. i worked so hard just to get her it took like 2 months of back and forth because she has so many * * * * ing issues. if i would have known it would be like this i would have a job right now and life would be going just fine. now she has a great new job, got everything she wanted and she * * * * ed me over.

 

.....and i still love her

[rickyspanish]

imagine winning the lottery one day. you hit the jackppot. 70 million dollars. everything you ever wanted is coming true. true happyness. then out of nowhere one day someone says im taking that moeny back because you dont deserve this.

 

i guess its a risk you take when you travel down the path of love. no one really thinks about the risk of getting hurt because what they have is so great. you say "even if they break up atleast i will get to expereince being with them and that alone is worth it" thats how i used to think. little did i know the gravity of a breakup. im not so sure if its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. maybe in the long run when im looking back on my life i will think that but id rather have just took the time to find someone who wasnt going to break my heart.

 

but then again if i wasnt absoutely sureeeee i wanted to be wiht this person for a while i wouldnt let them believe that. thats whats so * * * * ed up. if somene cheats or is abusive thats a different story but in my case i was great to her overall. i made my mistakes but we all do. nothing that was worthy of ending a relationship. i guess im just saying double check your feelings a couple times before you let out those dreaded words....i love you.

[mg22]

I hope you dont start missing her when its to late ! in the beginning stages we feel relief, then as months go by and the dumpee is NC, dumpers start to miss them, and wonder about them, of course if there's no one else !

[dumPI]

Awesome. Examine why you are not happy and ask yourself if you expect happiness to come from your relationship via another person.

 

If the answer is yes, then you need to do some more introspection.

 

We have a winner here.

I'd add, were you still comparing her to the one who dumped you?

[paulod]

As has been said in this post already, I'm in a no win situation, I'm the 'Evil One' the one who dared to end a relationship, I wasn't happy, I wasn't committing 100% to the relationship and I chose to end it instead of dragging it out for months/years. We met, became friends and started seeing each other, I wasn't looking for anything serious but then nether was she, it just developed and I found it wasn't working for me, wasn't happy and ended it, and that is sad because she is a lovely person and we do get on really well, if that doesn't sit nicely with some then so be it.

There's nothing happy about being with someone who wants to be with you and you don't feel the same way. Oaths?? We wern't married or living together so why should an oath be needed??

And as for the comment above, Im afraid this has nothing to do with with the one who dumped me, or any ex for that matter. If it turns out that I've made a huge mistake then I'll need to face the consequences of my actions and will have to live with it.

 

P

[The_Seeker]

Still haven't answer the question, OP.

 

You kept on saying you were unhappy. But what was it?

[paulod]

I've answered that question already. I wasn't happy in the relationship. I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. It wasn't an off the cuff decision, I'd been thinking about it for a while, it does happen, one half of a couple just doesn't want to continue anymore and ends it. It doesn't always have to be about a specific. Probably sounds very flakey to some but thats the way it is unfortunately, who wants a relationship when you can't commit 100%?? its not fair on both involved, I'm old enough and have been round the block enough times to know that.

[calichick007]

@ the seeker - There aren't always specific reasons. I ended my longest relationship because I simply didn't want to be in it anymore. There wasn't anything in particular that he did wrong, nothing in particular wrong with him. I just knew he wasn't the one. I've had guys break up with me and not give me a specific reason, and that's okay. Everybody isn't meant for everybody.

[The_Seeker]

@ the seeker - There aren't always specific reasons. I ended my longest relationship because I simply didn't want to be in it anymore. There wasn't anything in particular that he did wrong, nothing in particular wrong with him. I just knew he wasn't the one. I've had guys break up with me and not give me a specific reason, and that's okay. Everybody isn't meant for everybody.

 

I totally understand that but there has to be a reason for it.

 

You don't break up because of "a feeling." You can say "Oh I didn't feel the spark." Or whatever.

 

This is just saying "I'm unhappy." Which is like saying "I don't feel like eating that right now."

[calichick007]

"I don't feel the spark" is usually not concrete enough for people, either. Your earlier post implied that people should give a reason so that the dumpee can "fix" whatever it is or work on it for the future. Some things just aren't fixable.

[The_Seeker]

"I don't feel the spark" is usually not concrete enough for people, either. Your earlier post implied that people should give a reason so that the dumpee can "fix" whatever it is or work on it for the future. Some things just aren't fixable.

 

Those examples can't be fixable? The ones that I gave?

 

So you're telling me someone said that they need to lose weight. It's their choice if they want to lose weight. You're telling me that person can't lose weight if they wanted to?

 

Ought to be kidding me.