is this an impediment to healing

[idontgetit]

i have read every last word on the breaking up and getting back together and every related forum, and it was helped me immensely. it's been three months (today) since the breakup, and i was talking to my mom. she mentionned something that struck me and i was wondering if anyone else had thoughts on it (not like it'll stop me from coming here)

 

...maybe you shouldn't look at the site because it's keeping your wound open....you just keep rehashing things over and over again..... maybe you should take a break... thoughts???

[Clarabelle]

Absolutely. I take breaks from this site as needed.

[idontgetit]

hi clara,

 

so does that mean when you come back you feel like you've relapsed, or you just need to read more to continue healing??

[rich46]

It depends how long you are on this website I suppose. I'll admit when I first broke up with my ex, I was on here every 10 minutes checking for new messages, searching the archive, etc. These days I just check it a couple of times a day, and only read the messages that seem to relate to my situation (so I can offer advice based on my experience).

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. I can see your mom's point, but this site has helped me move on a lot faster if anything. I have learnt so much about healing, the mindset of the dumper, no contact etc and checking in on the site reinforces that I am doing everything right.

 

Don't look too deep into it. You'll probably find that over time, you'll be less inclined to check in anyway. It's just natural as you begin to heal...

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[anon728]

I was thinking the same thing the other day.

 

I think it depends on what you do while you're reading the site. For example, if you are using the site as a tool to help you get through your healing, and you can see signs that you are healing (e.g. you focus less on trying to get them back, and more on convincing yourself that you don't need them back), then this forum is probably good.

 

However, if you spend your time reading or posting to the forum, only looking for reassurance that you will get back together and dismiss any advice you don't like, then you are probably using it as a crutch.

[era]

Hey idon'tgetit....

 

Oh geez, I was saying that EXACT thing just the other day to someone.

 

I've been browsing this forum, among others, for the past 3 & 1/2 months, since my ex dumped me.

 

I asked someone "Is it possible that visiting these forums all the time, and being constantly reminded of how devastating breakups are, is actually IMPEDING my recovery?"

 

The answer I got was - I'll know when coming here is no longer achieving what it's meant to...I guess that means : when I've truly moved on.

 

Right now tho, it's important that I know I am not alone.

[me4ta]

I think it doesn't hold you back when you come here every day, to me it's like a way of communication with people who are in the same boat. Sometimes your friends can be bias and not telling you how things really are because they love you and want to spear your feelings. Here, you get advice from random strangers and you know that they will tell you their view of the situation how it really is.

 

Also, this site helped me realize that I'm not alone dealing with this crap, and women are not the only ones who are emotional and dealing with break ups like that: not eating, not sleeping, not wanting sex, afraid of being alone, etc. etc. etc.

 

Before I thought that break ups for guys are much easier, they just start going out with their friends and drinking and having sex left and right, so they move on quicker.

 

I realised here that there are men who are sensitive and who can love and they also going through the same emotions we women do, and it was kind of comforting to know this.

 

This site cannot set you back or hold off from your healing process, at least it doesn't for me.

[JohnnyTable]

I think that breakups are initially more difficult for men, at least in my experience.

 

An attractive woman can just put herself out there and get a date in about 10 minutes. Okay maybe I am overstating, but you know what I mean.

 

However long term, it might be harder for the woman. I know that my ex (woman) thought and cared about her previous exes and what they did to her a lot more than I did.

[Michael2]

Anon, you bring up a good point.

 

Sooner or later, the pain will hit.

[me4ta]

OK, so you're saying it is difficult for men but they forget it faster? So how is it difficult???

 

Because in my experience, yes, I go out and men are always asking me for my phone numbers, but I don't go on dates just because they asked me to, because I don't want to lead someone on or waste my time on a person that I know I have nothing in common with, so while my ex found a girl really quickly he's sleeping with, I can't make myself to sleep with just anybody because I simply think I won't feel better if I just sleep with a random person, it certainly won't make my thoughts about my ex go away. I know it.

 

But for men, I think going out there and finding just any girl to sleep with to forget about an ex is easier because men's perception of sex is different than women's.

 

So how is it difficult for men in the beginning and not in the long term? Can you elaborate on the stages?

[JohnnyTable]

Perhaps I overstated. It is difficult for both in the beginning and in the long term. However, it seems as though getting dates and finding people is easier for women then it is for men. As a woman, guys come up and ask your out.

 

A man has to pursue the woman. He might not be in a good situation to do this right after being dumped since his ego is shot and he will look desparate.

 

Now long term - I'm talking over the 1-2 year mark. It seems as though my ex would hold onto the thoughts of her exes and the things that the did to/for her more than I did of my ex. Maybe it was just that our situations were different.

[me4ta]

JohnnyTable:

 

Yeah, I think it depends on a situation because my ex still remembs how his ex cheated on him 3 years ago, so I guess it really depends on the level of pain you went through that time.

 

Well, I guess you're right about the asking out part that guys usually do that and being dumped doesn't really help your ego....but I thought that guys can really disconnect from that, liquor helps and as I said previously I was amazed after reading some posts here that guys also go throught the same emotional turmoil as we women do.

 

I think that we, women, discuss our romantic endeavors more with our girlfriends every step of the day, whereas guys don't go to bars and start talking about their relationship problems with their buddies over a case of beer. You rather discuss your victories and "observations". Hence, I thought that since you're not as vocal about your problems with your buddies, even when you go to a bar after being dumped, you still can go up to a girl and pick her up without any problems. The factor of your ego plays a big role how you approach the further usage of that number you got from a girl - depends on your current emotional situation (dumped or fully contempt). Remember the movie Swingers....that guy called that girl 20 times after he actually got her number....