Go easy on yourselves - a supportive message to those in pain

[sonicfan287]

Hey,

 

I've been on here pretty regularly, usually trying to help out as best I can while also suffering myself. I'm going to try to keep it simple though. You don't deserve this pain, but only you are causing it, so only you can end it. I know that everyone's situation is different, some of us may have spiteful exes, exes who just dissapeared out of nowhere, exes who even tried to stay friends but left anyway, exes who tried stringing you along and left you feeling even more hurt... whatever the situation... you still need to be higher in your own mind than your ex.

 

For whatever reason, things didn't work out with that person... it may have been your fault, it may have been their fault or it may have been both faults, and sometimes... it just doesn't work out. I still can't believe that sentence myself, just had to re-read it. I don't know what some of you have been doing to get over this pain. I've been trying to stay moving, I work 2 jobs and try to get as many hours as I can. When I'm not doing that, I drive to the gym. The drive itself is lengthy and then I work out for a good 90 minutes until I'm sweaty as hell and my muscles are sore (not too sore obviously). Then, at some point I do come home and if there's nothing to do, I tend to get a little sad, but the thing is... I can't keep torturing myself for what happened... even if it WAS 100% my fault, and I'm not saying it was, but hypothetically.... even if I WAS THE SOLE REASON MY RELATIONSHIP FAILED... yknow what? That's not a crime. That's not something that labels me a "horrible person" to ANYONE but myself. Thats not a mark against my family, my friends or the several others who've reach out to me. I know it's not that easy to get over it but think about it... even if you failed the relationship somehow... what would be a suitable time to serve for it? A suitable time in tears, in anger, in depression, in lost sleep, no meals? Think about it, because I sure as hell have... I was in a 2 yr relationship that was broken up 3 times and now it's over. I did things I didn't feel too proud of but nothing so offensive that noone would ever date me again. And even if I HAD... a 2 year relationship down the tubes... I hate it but it's all I think about, but then I think... how long do I need to suffer for this? 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? AT SOME POINT THE SUFFERING WILL END... even people who get punished for real offenses get let off (unless it's murder) at some point.

 

My point is, go easy on yourself. This was mostly a dramatization and you will get angry and you will hate yourself, you will hate them, you will hate even those who try to help because they "dont understand". You'll call them out of desperation and then feel WORSE because you called them, but when it all comes down to it. You're all you've got. And thats not really a bad thing. So take this time (or any time) to settle down, and try to relax... cook a nice meal, go out for a walk, brighten the day of an elderly relative. You'd be surprised how much they'll appreciate even the smallest things you do. For every person who hasn't appreciated you, there are infinitely more who will and the answer may surprise you. Our minds tend to dwell on the one thing that just isn't right. I think about when I was a kid, and on my report cards, I'd get 5 A's and a C. Guess what EVERYONE wanted to know? "Why'd you get a C?" No matter WHAT happened, everyone would always focus on the one failure out of everything (and thats a true story, I always missed straight A's by 1 if I even came that close which I did a few times)

 

So my point is, you probably have more friends than you do exes. You have more family and loved ones than exes. But you'll focus... not on ALL your exes of course, but on this current one. You'll focus on ONE PERSON over all these other ones. I know, too... because I do it, I STILL DO IT. Even with all this outpouring of help from everyone around me... from my parents paying for me to see doctors who also really care and have provided me the help to get back on my feet... to my professors who appreciated the fact that I struggled through their class despite 2 hospital trips and a slew of excuses, still let me attend their classes and finish them with passing grades, with all my friends, trying to make plans with me whenever they have the spare time... the point is, from small to big, there are outside contributions and yet NONE OF THEM seem to mean anything to me unless they're from her... my ex girlfriend who hasnt contacted me in 3 lousy months to even see if Im still alive (which at one point was in serious jeopardy). That's just sad to me personally but I know not everyone's situation is the same. I do still value my ex girlfriend way too much but that doesn't mean I shouldnt value myself so little... and neither should you.

 

So make tonight the night, and make tomorrow the morning that you look yourself in the mirror and realize that you DO deserve to feel good. Independent of your ex's lives or wherever they may be, or whether theyre even still in your life, you deserve to feel good and there are so many options out there, and I'm not even talking about dating. I'm saying, there are SO many things you could be doing right now that are better than emotionally torturing yourself. I just hope I can reach one of those people, either tonight or tomorrow morning through my words, and that they can feel that even if they aren't perfect and even if someone they used to date doesn't think they're perfect or even "good enough", that they are indeed good enough and as long as you take it easy on yourself in the short term, in the long term you'll realize that you've grown through this pain and you will be BETTER than "good enough"

 

Good night, ENA!

[soybeans]

If I could give you a standing ovation right now, I would.

 

I can't articulate how much I needed to read this. I feel like I have been on the verge of getting fed up with the self-torture over the last 24 hours. I needed a little extra push.

 

Thank you for this.

[sonicfan287]

Of course, Im glad to have been of help. Noone deserves to feel this much pain. Replace the pain with confidence for a new day

[jumper11]

Thanks a lot, means alot after being screwed over by my ex for almost 2 years now, I used to be a pro at the whole NC this, healing that, I moved on but he sucked me back in a year ago and now its all over again..

[tothecoast]

beautiful post, sonic. thanks for the inspiring words. posts like this go a long way for people in pain.

[Lookin4Answers]

Thanks so much for this. It was a great boost to read it, and full of wisdom.

[mpeer]

Thanks Sonic for this great post. Lately, I have felt the grip my heart has on my ex slowly loosening. It helps to come here and find others who are suffering, but I find posts like this one inspire me to love myself even more. My world crumbled when my ex left, but only I can pick up the pieces again and stand on my two feet.

 

I had a chance to meet him again and at the time thought if he can see me again, his feelings will change. However, after reading so many similar stories here of meeting with the ex again, and receiving strong and brutally honest advice from a few of the posters here, I cut him off, canceled the meeting, and told him a friendship is not what I want. It was hard, but I feel good that I left with my dignity, whatever is left of it, in tact and didn't let him have the chance to hurt me even more.

 

We suffer this pain, because we have a lot of love, compassion, and the ability and courage to love and give everything we can to another person. This does not mean we are weak and vulnerable. In fact, surviving and thriving from this greatest challenge of a break up will make us better people and more prepared to weather any storm.

 

It is better to have loved than to have not at all.

[One day]

Never a truer word spoken....er or typed mate.

Post BU you can't help but beat yourself up, nobody is perfect but we seem to forget that sometimes and put our ex's up on that perfect pedestal. Every day can seem an assault course of emotions and memories that we have to pull ourselves through. Thanks for your post it's good to read some words of rationalisation.

 

OD

[nojustice619]

Wow, this post really welled me up, thank you so much for writing out all of that, i truly understand how you feel, im 15months down the line and im still torturing myself. They say time heals pain, when i look back i am not the mess i was, things have got a whole lot better but i have not escaped the world of torturing myself and feeling despair at loosing someone who made me the happiest person i have been in the 30 years i have been alive.

[super123]

Great post. I agree with trying to keep busy, and also try to focus on right here and now only - don't think about tomorrow, or yesterday, thats what keeps me going in the short-term.

[sonicfan287]

Very true, Super, one day at a time

[flashyvaquero]

Thank-you

[sonicfan287]

Of course. Still feeling a lot of the pain I allude to myself, but at the end of the day I take comfort in reading others words on these same forums so it wouldnt be fair if I couldn't offer up some of my own and just some advice and encouragement to those in need

[Boo222]

I need to have this post tattood onto my eyelids.

I read it, I weeped (although I was already weeping to be fair), I understood it, I liked it.

Why is it I can only make it stick for about 2 seconds maximum? Perhaps I enjoy beating myself up?

Anyway - thankyou for a great post and a small moment of relief