muso Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Hi all, guess I'm really just looking for some reassurance and a bit more venting with this post, as I don't really feel comfortable talking to people about this stuff in 'real life'... Basically, after a long time single and no dates or anything, in the last few months I've been out with 3 different women. With all 3 of them it started out great. The first couple of dates were fun, they responded to or initiated contact straight away afterwards, one of them even slept with me after a few dates. Then after x-amount of dates (the longest was over about 6 weeks), and without any real signs that it was coming, the first one stopped responding to my messages altogether, the second became suddenly busy all the time and the last one (just yesterday infact) has met someone else. I know that this is par for the course with dating, but with this sort of thing happening so many times in a row so quickly has kind of got me questioning if there is something wrong with me that shows itself after x-amount of dates? I have been guilty of being a but clingy in the past but have been making a conscious effort not to be, so I don't think that's it... anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far, I had better get back to work! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 No, it's not you - it's just a rather unpleasant coincidence that they've arrived in quick succession. Doesn't do your self esteem any good at all. I went through a phase many years ago, where I had three short-lived relationships on the trot which ended because the guy was very newly out of a long term/committed relationship, and wasn't ready for another one so soon. One of them actively lied about when his previous one had finished (ended on a Friday, he came and asked me out on Monday but told me it had been a couple of months). Hurtful stuff, as I was cheery and free-spirited and didn't realise anything was wrong. However - take heart! The one I had after that lasted 8+ years! Link to comment
muso Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 Thanks for the response, nutbrownhare. Hopefully my '8 year-er' is just around the corner! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Here's wishing you all the veryvery best! Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 i feel you! i am in your shoes kind of as well. it sucks. without knowing you, i'm willing to say it's just bad luck. for the girl who stopped contacting you, i think that she was rather rude and should have been straight forward and given you a reason and a goodbye. i'm assuming you two didn't have some big fight, or you didn't say anything super awkward or rude to her on your last date? dating is hard!! Link to comment
muso Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 i feel you! i am in your shoes kind of as well. it sucks. without knowing you, i'm willing to say it's just bad luck. for the girl who stopped contacting you, i think that she was rather rude and should have been straight forward and given you a reason and a goodbye. i'm assuming you two didn't have some big fight, or you didn't say anything super awkward or rude to her on your last date? dating is hard!! Hi Annie24, thanks for your response... Actually 'stopped contacting me' wasn't an entirely accurate description of what happened with the first girl. I actually posted on here about it previously when it happened lol. We went out a couple of times, I invited her over for dinner after that and she stayed over. She left with a kiss goodbye in the morning and did actually respond to my texts after that, but the responses got fewer and further-between and I didn't see her for about 6 weeks after that. Then when I saw her at a mutual friends party she didn't mention anything about it, but sent me a couple of random 'how are you' texts after that. By which time I was pretty much over what I perceived as being mucked around (and also pursuing the other aforementioned options) so I responded ambiguously and haven't heard from her since. Yes - dating is hard! But this site helps keep things in perspective, which is good Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 It may be bad luck. It may be that you just don't have great conversational skills. It is really hard to know over the internet without more information. Link to comment
muso Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 It may be bad luck. It may be that you just don't have great conversational skills. It is really hard to know over the internet without more information. Hi Ms Darcy, thanks for your response. I feel like my conversation skills aren't really lacking, and as I said in the original post, the dates with all of them went well (from my perspective at least) with no awkard silences etc. I always make a point to ask them questions about themselves/interests/work etc. Also people always tell me how funny I am, and I don't have a problem making people laugh. What other information would be useful? Maybe I'm just too funny-looking Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Did you have things in common with them? Did you talk about what you were looking for with them (e.g. a relationship, something casual, etc)? Did you have good physical chemistry with these women? (Other than the one you slept with) did you kiss them etc? How would you rate your physical attractiveness? How would your friends rate you? Link to comment
muso Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Did you have things in common with them? Did you talk about what you were looking for with them (e.g. a relationship, something casual, etc)? Did you have good physical chemistry with these women? (Other than the one you slept with) did you kiss them etc? How would you rate your physical attractiveness? How would your friends rate you? Ok, thats a lot of info! Actually to be honest no, I didn't have a huge amount in common with any of them. I'm heavily into music and besides that and my work (which I enjoy) I don't really have a lot of other interests, but I do always ask and try and show an interest in their hobbies/etc. Also the first 2 were a lot younger than me (over 10 years) which I guess adds to that a bit. I didn't talk too deeply about what I was looking for with them, partly because I think it can come off a but too serious if this comes up too early in the piece (?) and partly because I don't know if I was really sure myself. I did kiss them all to varying degrees. I don't think the physical chemistry was amazing, but it wasn't completely lacking. I'm not the best looking guy in the world. I'm quite skinny, which seems to not be a favoured trait amongst the majority of women, and I had bad acne for years which, although it's 99% gone now, I think has permanently skewed how I see myself. My friends have told me that I'm too hard on myself in that respect in the past, but I think they are probably being kind. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 it sounds like you weren't all that into them either....? Link to comment
muso Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 it sounds like you weren't all that into them either....? Well, I wasn't madly in love with any of them, but there was something about all of them that I liked, or I wouldn't have asked them out in the first place. And I would have liked to have seen them all again, though not necessarily forever. Hmm, I think I am answering a lot of my own questions now Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Ok, that really helps. I have a few suggestions for you: 1. Self-improvement - I think people should always strive to do this. For you, I would suggest working on yourself via: - maintaining physical health (exercise, healthy eating), - reading self-help books (related to improving confidence and conversational skills), and - self-reflection (think about what you want from dating and who you want to be dating in terms of general traits) 2. Getting out there - exploring opportunities to meet more women (through friends, on-line dating, hobbies) - When you search with a purpose, or an idea of the kind of woman you want, you are more attractive to compatible women. - Spend more time communicating your interests and expectations. You will seem more selective and thus more attractive. - Remember is a combination of fun and exploration. Explore how you communicate, how you interact, and how you flirt. Have fun with the process while taking diligent mental notes on what works and what doesn't. Good luck! Link to comment
muso Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Thanks for the advice and tips. I will take it on board! Link to comment
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