Fantastic day with the ex! TO WEIRDNESS TODAY!

[RayKay]

Hello all

 

Well I saw my ex yesterday for a while. We were both invited to a group road ride - a season ender type of thing out of town, followed by a great dinner.

 

We talked a lot that day (not about "us" of course!) but about his job/school, and the same for me and we did a lot of teasing. I liken it to like when you are 7 years old, and have a crush but have no other way of expressing it other than teasing one another. It is truly like we are the closest of friends, since we do tease each other and sometimes try and rile each other up (but not in a mean way). We both commented we have a lot of fun! I was riding side by side with him for a lot of the ride (though sometimes with others) and so we talked a lot then, as well as on the way there and back in the car.

 

The road ride group split up near the end (so some of us ended at about 80 km, some at 100 km). He was tired, and I sort of was too, due to late evenings, so opted to ride the shorter route. We got back to the house and cleaned up, when I came back into the living room he said "You look HOT! Why am I so stupid?" (referring to his breaking up/not being with me). I sort of laughed it off and told him I don't call him Demento for nothing (my new nickname for him since he opted to break up with me..haha.

 

At dinner, we were sitting next to one another and the flirting/teasing continued full force. Sometimes we are kind of "mean" but in a fun way and end up in little "wrestle fights" and stuff.

 

And we have soooo much eye contact, it is amazing. There is still no one I can look in their eyes like that for so long, so intensely, and he does same to me. I know I probably sound like a foolish girl in love, but I am in love, though no longer foolish. My perspective is not jaded, I know that he is still not willing to move any closer to a reconciliation at this point, or at least is still telling himself that. But he is ruling it out not because of who I am, but because of the idea he still has of what a relationship means.

 

It really was an awesome day.

 

When he dropped me off, I just shook his hand (haha, I wanted to kiss, but I am staying away from that route at moment!) and said it was a great, day, he said the same and I told him to have a fun evening with his friends. He said the same for me, and told me to be good.

 

He sort of knows I have been going on dates with others, or at the very least he definitely suspects it, and he is not dating anyone, though has gone on a couple dates before. He'll sort of tease about these, though I don't give out any details or really even react to it.

 

When we were talking yesterday, he mentioned his apartment was cold (it froze over here yesterday...brrrr) and I said mine was perfect. He said how would he know, I never invite him over anymore. I mentioned that I am not allowed to invite him over really, just by the "rules" of our relationship. And besides, I had a couple weeks ago said we should get together and watch this cycling movie, and he was too busy at time..he said yeah but that was then, this is now.I said that I already had left the ball in his court and that the invite was open. So anyway, now sometime in next couple weeks when we both have time, we are going to get together to watch it And, we have a similar mountain bike season ender coming up in a couple weeks as well.

 

I have been in some long term relationships, with some amazing people, but truly, with all my heart and soul - this is the first one whom I have ever believed in all honesty is a soulmate, though our timing is very off when we met!

 

I am still trying to do limited NC at moment so we can both heal - something he needs as much as I do, but it is challenging some days. I do date others, and am working on myself, but I still love him and always will. I still do hope that there will be another chance given by the universe to us both together. We have an amazing chemistry, connection, attraction, friendship that would truly be a shame, and a rarity to throw away.

 

Must be strong, and patient - heal myself, but I cannot shake the faith that we are better together, than apart.

[ForAnother]

I liked the way you wrote some of that. In fact I am gonna grab it from here and put it in a document (I wanna be a film maker) if you are ok with that.

 

I am going through the same thing. We are 1000 miles away, but when we talk it is the same attraction and all. Its a fantastic feeling. Your right still keep your distance. Watch out before you throw your heart back into it all.

 

good luck and congrats. I love what your feeling right now.

 

ForAnother

[RayKay]

Thanks ForAnother, I am definitely taking care of my heart. I can't stop it from loving him, but I can control what that love "makes" me do.

 

I do have the "advantage" in a sense of knowing that reconciliation is very very unlikely to happen anytime soon due to many of his own reasonings. In a sense, that takes a lot of the pressure off of me. When I see him, I am not really worried about him coming back right there and then, and I know that any reconciliation is going to be a slow process if it does happen. Sometimes I even feel like it will never happen, and I feel even less pressure!

 

I hope everything works out for you as well. I am not always sure that my ex and I will have the opportunity, but I am sure that I will be loved greatly again, and I will love in return. I still hope it will be with him, but I know in any case I am not going to settle for any less than I deserve.

 

Thanks again, and yes, please feel free to use whatever you would like

[a_little_sparrow]

RayKay,

 

It's great to hear that things seem to be going well for you and the ex. Though I have to admit it's more heartening to see that you are seeing to yourself, and keeping your perspective on the future realistic and healthy. I remember reading your story earlier this summer, and thinking perhaps your repeated contact with the ex was going to be painful for you to deal with. But it seems now that everything you've done and are doing with the ex are paying off. It seems like he's trying to figure out exactly what it was that made him ask for the break up in the first place.

 

From my perspective, I think one of the most valuable lessons I've learned from this board is to try and date other people. Not that anyone can do it right away, but it's an important step to take. And it's important to know that it in no way eliminates the chances of getting back with the ex. What it does is give you the chance to see all those things the ex took for granted (and thus broke up with you) are actually some of your real personal assets.

 

And I think it's that that gives the strength for you to say what you did in that last paragraph. I feel the same exact way. I deserve the type of love I'm willing to give. And though I can't completely shake a desire to share that love with my ex, I know there will be someone who I can share it with in the future.

[RayKay]

Thank you sparrow for your post.

 

Contact with the ex can be tough at times, however I have always had an unshakeable feeling that he and I are meant to be in each others lives. Our connection has always been powerful, and I don't believe that just because the one you love cannot be with you, means that they are to be shut out of your life. Life is too short - sometimes you don't have the option to have those you love even in your life at all, so when you do, I don't feel it is right to give it up. There are times it has been hard and my patience has run thin and I have almost said goodbye, but we have worked through it.

 

Saying that, I am still taking care of myself, and as you noted, dating even. I still often think of my ex while on those dates, but I think that whatever happens between us in the future, it is a good idea that we both date other people during that time. Sometimes we do take for granted what we had, until we try with others. I did not take him for granted, but I do know that he must have to have made the choice he did. One day, he will definitely start to think about his choice more thoroughly, I have no doubt. And at that time, maybe his convictions about why he ended it will be seen in a new light. For now, he still feels he had to do this in order for us to ever have a chance again, as well as it being the best thing for him at this time.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, once again

[RayKay]

So last night, he gets sort of weird on me!

 

He called me last night, and was pretty cheery, but I was on the other line, so I told him I would call him back in a few minutes. He said are you on other line..I was like yes, and he said okay then, but to call him back.

 

So when I called him back, his mood had changed, he seemed more reserved, or short with me. I mean it was like he did not really want to talk to me anymore, though he did a few minutes earlier! I was like..huh?

 

After talking a bit about his weekend etc..but it felt like I had to ask to get anything out of him...I asked him if he was okay and being grumpy, he said no, he was just really tired and had not had as relaxing of a weekend as he hoped was going to head off to bed. I empathized with his busy weekend and said alright...he told me to have a good week and we would talk later on in the week, etc. Alright.

 

So after getting off the phone with him, I thought about how weird he was behaving from one call to the next and called him BACK to ask if he was mad at me for something. He said no, where would I get that from? I said just the way he seemed different from one point to another, he said I was just being crazy, he was just tired and stressed and that things were really fine. Told me I was just misinterpreting things and that I had nothing to worry about - if something wasbothering him about me he would let me know! And if he said they were not, they weren't! And joked I already broke up with you, not much worse can happen..I said sure, he could double dump me!

 

He said no....he would not go through all this 5-6 months of trauma/hard work to be my friend if he did not want to be my friend (he was joking around about it too, so not totally serious about the trauma) and he did want to be so to stop worrying about it. Anyway, he was a little silly again to convince me all was fine. But I am doubtful. He was acting strange as when he called initially he was fine, when I called back it was like a total mood change!

 

So now I am feeling guilty for something and I am not even sure WHAT - for whatever made him like that in the first place like if it was telling him I would call him back or whatever, and for also calling him back and apologizing for even asking what is wrong anyway! Since he said he was just tired, stressed and wanted to go to bed...and that I was just being crazy. So great, now I am crazy. There goes all the awesomeness of Saturday! I ruined it all with my apparent "craziness" I guess. But, there was a mood change, I am sure of it..though I don't know why.

 

Sigh. I am having a less-than-spectacular day now.

[fantasia2004]

Why feel guilty? He was just going through his own traumatic world of confusion in the real world.

 

Please raykay you are fun to read based on your posts, but don't sabotage your well being by questioning if I made you angry . Who cares ? let him deal with it. If he is mad let him. If he is sad let him. It is him not you that has issues. Don't analyze. You have too many things going for you when the time comes.

 

Don't do it to yourself. Please stop the insanity! ](*,)

[RayKay]

Why feel guilty? He was just going through his own traumatic world of confusion in the real world.

 

Please raykay you are fun to read based on your posts, but don't sabotage your well being by questioning if I made you angry . Who cares ? let him deal with it. He is mad let him. If he is sad let him. It is him not you that has issues. Don't analyze. You have too many things going for you when the toime comes.

 

Don't do it to yourself. Please stop the insanity! ](*,)

 

Thanks fantasia.

 

I am not sure why I do, I just do. I guess I just care too much about what he thinks, as I still do wish for us to have another chance. I know it is stupid as he is the one that made these choices in the first place, and he should know that he can't always be my top priority, since I am clearly not always his - but why be moody with me then, you know? Not only that but he has no idea whom I was talking to..all he knows is that I did not put him first at that point in time. And why say that I am just being crazy for thinking there is something wrong...when I KNOW there is since minutes before he seemed perfectly happy to talk with me!

[fantasia2004]

Maybe he is seeking validation.

But of course you are not entertainment tonight or access hollywood!

 

Be you and let him do the work and be non-chalant

[Clarabelle]

Raykay, I'm sure your boyfriend is a really nice guy, and you seem like a sweetheart. But even the nicest guy can play games with your heart. Fantasia is right - you're not entertainment tonight, and you're being MUCH too hard on yourself just because he didn't give you the reaction you wanted. I believe that others on this forum and I have said to you that you need to divest yourself from this exhausting situation so that mini-interactions like the one you described don't rock your boat so much. Otherwise, you will spend the next however many months? years? waiting for this guy to make up his mind. Don't put yourself in that position. Put yourself first. It's lovely that you feel that you and this man are destined to be together. Trust yourself enough to back off so that you can see your own feelings clearly. You are not in control, as evidenced by your reaction to him. If you pursue less contact/limited contact, you will get in control of your emotions and you will put things in their proper perspective. I really think you have to leave this guy alone for a while!

[RayKay]

Well, it was more his shift from him calling me five minutes earlier, to my calling him back that is confusing me. There was no reaction I expected, but if he called ME, I assumed he would be a little more interested in the conversation!

 

Anyway, I just talked to him a few minutes ago. He took the day off from work today as he was not feeling great this morning and did not sleep well, wanted to let me know as he figured I might have sent one of my classic day after sorry for being crazy emails, and wanted to let me know it is okay that I am crazy And he was casual/friendly and told me to have a good day.

[rich46]

This post reminded me just why I am doing no contact! Apart from the odd setback, I am mostly on the straight and narrow now. Your emotions have gone from one extreme to another in the space of 24 hours - a sure sign that you haven't done enough healing. I know you see your ex when cycling, but it really isn't healthy to be analysing the slightest mood change every time he calls...

 

Just my opinion.

 

Rich

[RayKay]

This post reminded me just why I am doing no contact! Apart from the odd setback, I am mostly on the straight and narrow now. Your emotions have gone from one extreme to another in the space of 24 hours - a sure sign that you haven't done enough healing. I know you see your ex when cycling, but it really isn't healthy to be analysing the slightest mood change every time he calls...

 

Just my opinion.

 

Rich

 

Gah, it was not the mood change when he called, it was the way he acted offended when I called him BACK five minutes later and was moody about it all but pretending he was fine that was bothering me.

 

I am glad you are healing, but as you said you have the odd setback. I am allowed the same, even if I choose a different path. Isn't part of being on this forum being allowed to vent your frustrations at times when you need an outlet?

[rich46]

I am glad you are healing, but as you said you have the odd setback. I am allowed the same, even if I choose a different path. Isn't part of being on this forum being allowed to vent your frustrations at times when you need an outlet?

Who cares when he was moody. The point I was trying to make was that it can't be doing you any good by staying in contact with him when you obviously haven't healed. Like I said, it's only my opinion. But just as you are free to vent, I am free to post my views so that other people get to see both sides of the contact vs no contact debate.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[RayKay]

But I am a lot further along then I was and yes just because I chose to make that post, does not mean I am not healing. No I have not completely healed, but that is okay, I would not expect to heal right away either. I go on dates, and I have fun. I still want to be in his life, but I am not set on it as the only way. I have my reasons for not choosing complete No Contact and they are valid ones for me. Even as a friend, his mood changes would confuse me.

[fantasia2004]

He is a grown man like you are a grown woman and he must understand that the world does not revolve around him. We must always make it known that even if our exes dump us that life still can go on without them.

 

And that is what you have done so far. Don't blow it!

[RayKay]

He is a grown man like you are a grown woman and he must understand that the world does not revolve around him. We must always make it known that even if our exes dump us that life still can go on without them.

 

And that is what you have done so far. Don't blow it!

 

Thanks fantasia...maybe that is what he is mad at, that I did not make him a priority when he called the first time. He still knows I care, and obviously he took the power back when I got self conscious about what was going on...but maybe it did make him think at least for 5 minutes...lol.

[Clarabelle]

I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?

[RayKay]

I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?

 

See, I already WENT through that when I found out he was dating other people. We both went through that together. It is not about that. I HAVE felt the loss.

 

I DID get some distance for a bit, but we do see each other on occasion for reasons that neither of us are going to give up as we are both passionate about what we do - it not fair for either of us to miss out on those things. It is much like if we were working together, we would have to adapt to the situation.

[fantasia2004]

For now you are no therapist to him you can be there for him if you choose. but f he needs you he will call. Don't let own the steering wheel when it is your car.

[rich46]

I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?

I wasn't criticising either. If I sounded harsh it's because I feel passionate about no contact. Even though complete no contact isn't possible here, the next best thing is to stop calling him and/or letting him call you whenever he wants. You say you "got some distance for a bit," but I doubt that that did anything at all for you. I know you keep saying that you have healed somewhat and you are much better than you were, but I would question that as an outsider looking in.

 

I know you won't do it, but if I were in your shoes I'd try and join another cycling club or something. Again, as an outsider looking in it just looks like an excuse to keep the contact going. In terms of your work analogy, if it was hurting me so much and preventing me from moving on properly, then I would get another job. Surely it's not impossible to change your circumstances to help you heal?

 

Or are you following a so-called strategy to get him back? If so, what is it if you don't mind me asking?

 

Rich

[RayKay]

Hey Rich, the thing is it is not just about the club - it is also about my team and the races, and the community I am involved in. I am also a rep on the provincial cycling boards and work as an official. It is a small cycling community and while there are some other clubs that I do cycle with on occasion, none that are right for me to join or that I would join. I am on the team I am on for certain reasons and it is not easy to just go on another one. They are also my friends.

 

You need to understand how important cycling is to me with or without him there to understand it is not easy to just switch. It is a very very important part of my life and it is not something I can easily change or should change in fact.

 

No, I am not following a strategy. Honestly, I think we both want at the very least a friendship for now and that is all that we are working towards at the moment.

[rich46]

You need to understand how important cycling is to me with or without him there to understand it is not easy to just switch. It is a very very important part of my life and it is not something I can easily change or should change in fact.

 

No, I am not following a strategy. Honestly, I think we both want at the very least a friendship for now and that is all that we are working towards at the moment.

OK point taken. I still think it will be really hard for you to maintain that kind of friendship, but I'm sure you are aware of that! I'm lucky in a way as my ex lives 100 miles away and thankfully we don't have any mutual friends. Literally the only way I'll find out anything is if she calls me and tells me, as I won't be calling her! I suppose every situation is different, but I wish you lots of luck with it...

 

Take care,

 

Rich