I don't even know if this is healthy in a relationship?

[Cluedo]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to this forum and I guess what mainly brought me here was the fact that I'm having some serious problems in my relationship right now, this is my first serious boyfriend and I just don't know if it is healthy or if I'm selling myself short by staying with him.

 

I do love him very much but there are times where I'm somewhat fearful of him as well. He has a very short temper and it's always his way or the high way. I'm not a passive or submissive person usually but when I'm with him, I find myself being like that very much so.

 

We're both in our mid 20s and only just moved in together last week actually. He works late shifts recently so I don't get to see him a lot and it's hard because I've actually moved here from another country, all my friends and family are back home.

 

Last night in particular we had a big argument and because I'm staying at his home I really do have to just shut my mouth sometimes and not completely state my opinion or have the guts to stand up and say 'hey you can't speak to me like that'. If I do than I have to realize that I have no where else to stay and ultimately I would have to go back to my country as I don't have the financial means to support myself at this time (I am actively looking for a job while I'm here though).

 

Anyway the argument came about because he only has one set of apartment keys at the moment and said he wasn't able to duplicate them for some reason but he did try. This makes it impossible for me to go out during the day because he says that HE needs the keys and it's his responsibility to look after them as he signed the lease blah blah. He feels very inconvenienced by this and I can feel his resentment towards me sometimes over this issue. Sometimes I just have to stay in the apartment alone all day long and it can get really lonely and boring.

 

He constantly makes remarks about how bad it is that I need the keys too and how put out he is by it. I don't know what to say when he says these things so last night I told him that it's starting to stress me out, I can't do anything about the keys situation or the fact that sometimes he says he doesn't get enough sleep because I'M THERE, he also constantly points out that he's working all these long hours and he doesn't wanting to be spending all his free time with me - which is fine, I don't even want him too but I just feel so much like a burden.

 

The comment I made about stressing him out made him into an absolute maniac, he started yelling at me and telling me to leave his apartment and never have anything to do with him again. This was so hard because my return flight isn't until October and I don't have anywhere else to go or stay with in the meantime. I'm relying heavily on his help.

 

I don't know what to do, I can't stand being in a controlling relationship where I can't be myself out of fear that he'll flip out or take things I say so seriously. This might all be very normal...I just really don't know. Also, in terms of the sleeping thing, he put a single mattress next to his new queen sized bed for me to sleep on so it's not like I'm interrupting him or anything..

 

Whenever I'm at home and he's at work, I always have to constantly make sure I've cleaned everything up before he gets back so as not to cause any arguments. He can be a really nice guy and as I said before, I love him alot...I wouldn't have moved to the other side of the world if I didn't but I just wasn't expecting things to be this way.

[spectacular]

I am no expert by far. But you need to get out of there IMMEDIATELY! It is only going to get worse. Call your family and beg for a ticket to get home. If someone loves you. They don't treat you like that. It's a key. He is working on completely controlling you. And you are slowly falling down the tunnel. Not sure what brought you here. But I can read from a mile away...he's not the one. his behavior is NOT NORMAL. Get home QUICK!

[a proud nerd]

It's not normal. He's clearly under a lot of stress, but treating you, hell, treating any woman like that is not acceptable. Maybe it's how I was raised, but I think women deserve the utmost respect and should never have to feel afraid of a man, especially the one they are in a relationship with.

 

I'm sorry he is like this to you.

 

As far as advice, you have to do something. I'm sure you feel a little relieved just having told someone, but step 2 is to act. I know it's hard, and you're scared, but you have to. You have a few choices. You can confront him politely and say look, you're scaring me and stressing me out, I don't know how long I can go on with this. I think you need to pick through here and tell him that plus a few of the things you've said here. Often I see things that people post on here or tell me in real life that I want to tell them they shouldn't be saying it to ME, say it to the person it effects. He might not realize what he's doing to you. He SHOULD, but he might not see it through his own stress.

 

If worst comes to worst, be prepared for it. Surely there is someone you've met in your time here who would be willing to take you in for a while if you're in this kind of situation.

[markfromark]

Big big red flag. This is a man who likes to control you and loses control of himself. Classic abusive man, it will only get worse. Get out of this situation as soon as possible and don't tell him that you leave, God only knows what he will do in his next rage.

I don't understand why you iterate that you love him but his love for you is certain not worth much.

[iamblaze]

I agree, leave and do it quickly and quietly. Is there a women's shelter in your city or a church. Tell someone about this, maybe they can help or direct you to a social service agency that will help you access resources. You are a PRISONER! There must be a crisis hotline you can call. There is so much help available for women in your situation; you MUST find it. When you are safe at home again, please consider counseling. It is disturbing that you continue to be drawn to this terrible, terrible person. I will have you in my prayers.

[Snny]

This guy is full of S. If you co-signed the lease, the apt should provide a second key. This guy is purposely controlling you. Get out of there.

[LadyConfused]

This is not normal in any way, actually it is a classical patter of behavior of men who are abusive and want to control women...

I don't know where you are coming from, but it looks like you haven't had much experience with men before so you don't know

that almost no one acts like that.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life locked up, sleeping on a mattress and being yelled upon?

What about when kids come along the way, do you want them to be treated that way?

 

Going back is nothing scary, even if you go to your embassy they can help. I am sure your family will understand.

 

Good luck and please get it out of your head that this is normal. It is not!

[Tom1990]

Dear God, get out of that "relationship." We're not exaggerating here. This is bad.