have you been dumped because your clingy?

[julian19]

well me, yes, i admit, i was clingy, needy, codependent and insecure during the course of the relationship with my first love. It's just, it was my first relationship and, i didnt have any idea how a relationship runs and nobody gives me instructions ofcourse, so yes, i admit i was wrong there.

 

but now that i am working on myself, loving myself more, enjoying life and learned from my mistakes from the failed relationship, i was wondering last night, WHAT IF,,, what if one day,, she come back?

 

Let's say, maybe because one day she'll get attracted back to me after seeing that i have learned my lessons and she's willing to give it a try.. well the question is, does she deserves it? does she deserves a second chance after leaving me heart broken and miserable, and now that im doing well and happy with my life, she will come back and pick me up again? is that even fair?

 

i know, i was wrong with being codependent during the relationship, but, isn't when you truly love someone, you will never leave them no matter what and you will do your best to work things out instead of leaving? well then she left.

 

what's your opinion, if you were in my situation, if ever she comes back, would you give her a chance (knowing that you still have feelings for her)?

 

*im not expecting she'll come back, it's just, a what ifs.. well if she doesnt the im better off without her.. i could apply my lessons to the next one though

[nomorecupid]

I was needy and clingy, he claimed. But I only became that way when he was pulling away. The more he pulled, the more I called. Geeesh..... It got to the point where I only saw him once/week and talked 2 times/week. And I was "needy" for wanting more.

 

Whateves.

[julian19]

yeah me too,, i was never clingy at first but when i felt like, she's starting to withdraw emotionally, that's when i start being needy and wanting for some more from her///

[The_Seeker]

For me, if you left me to date other people even when the relationship is good, then I will never take you back. I didn't commit any love crimes against you as in cheating, lying, or stealing.

 

I was like during my first love.

 

Nothing is wrong being clingy, needy or whatever you wanna call it. Those are just labels. You do those things because you care and have genuine intentions with them.

 

Nothing wrong is wrong being co-dependent or whatever the heck it is. We are all interdependent even God.

 

So next relationship, be yourself. Be real. Don't stop doing something just because one person didn't like it.

 

For example, my first ex hates it when we kiss or make out for a long time. My current boyfriend loves it.

 

Everything is exceptional so no need to follow rules.

 

Good luck.

[lalalollipops]

Once sb dumps you cos you're clingy, there's really no chance of getting them back.

I've had two very clingy exes.

MAJOR attraction killer.

[The walkingman]

Tons of guys make this mistake in their first serious relationship, I had a talk about this with my buddy who is 10 months into a relationship that is starting to have problems due to this but he realizes it now and is making changes in time.

[ut804]

I was needy and clingy, he claimed. But I only became that way when he was pulling away. The more he pulled, the more I called. Geeesh..... It got to the point where I only saw him once/week and talked 2 times/week. And I was "needy" for wanting more.

 

Whateves.

 

OMG SAME HERE!!!!!!!

 

I am always known as the "independent" woman who doesn't need her boyfriend much, except to my ex (who was Bipolar).

 

So he would not talk to me for days and only see me once a week. After days of not speaking I would text/ call him. Then he would ignore my texts or calls. At that point I would get mad and send a few more texts or calls (only because it was DAYS we didn't talk, not like I just spoke to him a few minutes ago!!) and in turn he yelled and called me clingy and that was his reason for breaking up with me. WTH!!! He would not talk to me and refuse to see me for days yet he complained he felt I was too demanding and I was too insecure.

 

Ya, clearly they are the ones with issues, not us. It got me so mad. I only wanted a once a day phone call and somehow he thinks I'm clingy. Yeah right.

[sonicfan287]

Once sb dumps you cos you're clingy, there's really no chance of getting them back.

I've had two very clingy exes.

MAJOR attraction killer.

 

NOT completely true but I do agree that it is an attraction killer... which is why I regret it to this day... 3 chances... blew them all. Is it true though that clinginess is even more unattractive in men? Bc we're labeled as the "Strong" ones? Ive never actually met a clingy girl, so idk how Id feel about her but from a girls perspective, its apparently a turn off... Idk if Id feel that way if I met a clingy girl. I wouldnt be turned ON nessecarily but depending on the rest of her personality, I might like it.

[nomorecupid]

And my ex limited texts to 3/day. I wasn't a chronic texter, but limiting your own gf to 3/day, when you rarely pick up the ohone to call her or answer her calls???? eff you buddy!!!

[Mizz]

my bf never gave me a straight answer for why he left me. At times I wondered if I was being too clingy, but during the last couple weeks before my relationship ended I think deep down/my gut knew something wasn't right so I became even more sensitive, emotional, sort of clingy because something hadn't felt right. I was working on trying to be more understanding of if he was busy lately, or wanted to see friends. We had spent usual time together and texted as we always had, which was frequently. But the last couple weeks before it happened he kept telling me odd things like one instance I was talking to him about how he'd be in college too (I have just finished my first year, I'm 19 and he is 18, still a senior in high school). I felt odd and said "I know you'll be in college now too. I know we will have jobs and not be able to talk as much, but no matter what I still want us to be together" and he wasn't reassuring at all and just said, "I'm going to college, I'm going to meet new people, I'm going to want to hang out with them. I won't be able to text you as much and I know that bums you out." and how "we don't have to be together all the time. It's good to switch things up"... But despite all that he lead me to believe everything was ok. He was still being sweet to me, still saying he loved me, that we'd be together the day it happened (the break up), then out of nowhere after not seeing me til earlier that weekend just ended it.

 

I had a feeling he might've thought I was being too clingy or something, or wanted space, but then I can't blame myself or make myself feel bad. He never gave me a real reason for why he ended it and he never even wanted to work it out.

 

Whatever the reason was, I haven't talked much to him since. It's been harder to stay away cause he seems to not care or feel bad about it. I even deleted him from my facebook and phone a couple days ago and he hasn't seemed to notice or care that I did that! And I stupidly was on another page and saw he "liked" some status update from a mutual friend we had. So he HAS been on there, it hurts to think he once loved me and now doesn't care. Apart of me just wants him to apologize, to realize he made a mistake, to come back, even though I wouldn't want him back.

 

And he hasn't made an effort to contact me except for once, 4 days after it happened he called me. We talked for an hour and a half that night and he was emotionless and kept repeating "i'm just not ready for a relationship. Blah blah blah." after 2 years of being together it still made no sense. It will probably never make sense. I was the one who tried talking to him on Sunday. We talked for a few hours, but the time was like 10-20 minutes delay between each text and he was still being vague and saying "i'm just not ready for a relationship blah blah" again.

 

I realized it'll never make sense. I don't know if it was me, if he wanted more space, if he's having some weird other situation going on in his life that's overwhelming him and making him think oddly but I will like never know.

 

I can't try to think of why or I'll go crazy.

 

I have thought about if he thought I was too clingy or something though. But blaming myself and you blaming yourself isn't exactly healthy.

Continuing to work on yourself is all you can do.

 

And if she happened to come back, well... remember she broke your heart. If she had really loved you she might have told you "hey, so I think you're rather sensitive sometimes or I feel a little smothered, can we have some space perhaps?" she would have wanted to work it out with you. My ex, did not want to work anything out with me. If he wanted space he could have talked to me about it, or if he had doubts or thought I was being a certain way then he also could have talked to me first. But he didn't.

 

I don't know if your ex flat out dumped you with no warning or if she had talked to you first about her concerns.

 

But for me, to get back with someone after a break up is really hard. It's not the same, there's baggage and the trust isn't the same either.

 

If she ever came back it'd be up to you if you wanted to be with her. But think of how you are bettering yourself now, you can be with an entirely new person who will treat you amazingly! With out all that baggage or trust issues you'd potentially had if you got back with your ex.

 

Just something to consider...

[ut804]

And my ex limited texts to 3/day. I wasn't a chronic texter, but limiting your own gf to 3/day, when you rarely pick up the ohone to call her or answer her calls???? eff you buddy!!!

 

yeah... my ex too... like when we finally did communicate, he would send short texts and then stop responding, and on the phone he would limit our conversations to 5 mins. he thought I was crazy to ask for more than that. he told me I was too insecure and demanding/ clingy/ obsessed with him and I should get therapy for it. wow. it was just crazy because it was so far from the truth. i mean in the beginning *he* was the one to call all the time, to want to see me everyday, and then because of his bipolar it all changed. but it was ok for him to act like that? why is all about him and what he wants? what about my needs?

 

well its a good thing they are gone, they did us the favor. we deserve better than that.

[The_Seeker]

yeah... my ex too... like when we finally did communicate, he would send short texts and then stop responding, and on the phone he would limit our conversations to 5 mins. he thought I was crazy to ask for more than that. he told me I was too insecure and demanding/ clingy/ obsessed with him and I should get therapy for it. wow. it was just crazy because it was so far from the truth. i mean in the beginning *he* was the one to call all the time, to want to see me everyday, and then because of his bipolar it all changed. but it was ok for him to act like that? why is all about him and what he wants? what about my needs?

 

well its a good thing they are gone, they did us the favor. we deserve better than that.

 

I started getting that lately. I did the same thing right back when I was wicked busy. So it's even.

 

I haven't seen my boyfriend yet so he and I are going to have a talk about it. I'm starting to feel emotionally distant soon.

[OracleofDoom]

Until trust is established...the one who cares the least wields the power. Games are ok in the beginning to get some sparks flying and protect yourself...but at some point trust has got to take over or else its nothing. If someone you like starts to withdraw try withdrawing more yourself as counterintuitive as that is.

 

Clingyness is repulsive to guys, cause while they'll accept whatever you do to please them, deep down they want a challenge. They want to feel as if they are getting better than what they are worth.

[The_Seeker]

Until trust is established...the one who cares the least wields the power. Games are ok in the beginning to get some sparks flying and protect yourself...but at some point trust has got to take over or else its nothing. If someone you like starts to withdraw try withdrawing more yourself as counterintuitive as that is.

 

Clingyness is repulsive to guys, cause while they'll accept whatever you do to please them, deep down they want a challenge. They want to feel as if they are getting better than what they are worth.

 

LOL Not following that rule. That's playing a game.

 

I'm just not feeling it much.

[ut804]

I started getting that lately. I did the same thing right back when I was wicked busy. So it's even.

 

I haven't seen my boyfriend yet so he and I are going to have a talk about it. I'm starting to feel emotionally distant soon.

 

It's all about a balance. Being too clingy will ruin a relationship (now not by my ex's definition of clingy, I'm talking about calling 20 times a day, constant texting, demanding to spend everyday together, not seeing your friends without your boyfriend present; THAT to me is clingy).

 

BUT to go days without talking, barely seeing each other, being distant, ignoring calls/ texts most of the time, lack of communication, etc that will also ruin a relationship. Thats just downright neglect and that can hurt tremendously. That's actually a form of emotional abuse.

[nomorecupid]

yeah... my ex too... like when we finally did communicate, he would send short texts and then stop responding, and on the phone he would limit our conversations to 5 mins. he thought I was crazy to ask for more than that. he told me I was too insecure and demanding/ clingy/ obsessed with him and I should get therapy for it. wow. it was just crazy because it was so far from the truth. i mean in the beginning *he* was the one to call all the time, to want to see me everyday, and then because of his bipolar it all changed. but it was ok for him to act like that? why is all about him and what he wants? what about my needs?

 

well its a good thing they are gone, they did us the favor. we deserve better than that.

 

Yea, my ex was the one to initiate everything in the beginning and called/text me all the time at first, which is how it's supposed to be. It was definitely all about him. Nothing was ever about my needs or wants. His way or no way.... very black and white.

 

Was your ex diagnosed as having BPD or are you labeling him? My ex didn't have any diagnosis perse, because he never went to anyone for help....because he didn't think he needed help But I definitely think he is a full blown Narcissist.

[OracleofDoom]

LOL Not following that rule. That's playing a game.

 

I'm just not feeling it much.

Great communication> rules...I'm just saying for those that feel they don't have any power in a relationship...some manipulation of communication style is ok to see if trust can exist on equal footing. To some degree you teach people how to treat you.

[julian19]

Hi there,, thank you so much for your advise we have a very very similar situation when my ex starts to withdraw emotionally and there i know, i became clingy and needy. aand after the the break up, she did a lot of horrible things to me, disrespect me and treated me like a crap..

 

im just so confused, sometimes when i remember her, and all the good things she did to me, i caught myself smiling and missing her, but there are times i do remember her and all the horrible things she did and said to me (every words she told me is so clear in my head) ,, i start to hate her and get angry how could she do this to me..

 

part of me wants her back and the other part wants me to get over her... im stuck!

[OracleofDoom]

Push-pull/mixed signals is the very essence of seduction you know...thats why you guys get hooked so easy...NC is the way to back to your self esteem.

[theface71]

yeah me too,, i was never clingy at first but when i felt like, she's starting to withdraw emotionally, that's when i start being needy and wanting for some more from her///

 

This is what I always find interesting when we get accused as clingy...we would not get this way if the other person didn't start withdrawing without some form of communication. And it is more frustrating when they were the ones that started all the calling and wanting to see us in the beginning while we wanted to take things slow...Of course we are going to panic a bit when the other person starts to change their behaviour from the way we became used to. We start to get used to the attention etc...

[julian19]

This is what I always find interesting when we get accused as clingy...we would not get this way if the other person didn't start withdrawing without some form of communication. And it is more frustrating when they were the ones that started all the calling and wanting to see us in the beginning while we wanted to take things slow...Of course we are going to panic a bit when the other person starts to change their behaviour from the way we became used to. We start to get used to the attention etc...

 

exactly... somehow i blame myself for being clingy which causes the break up, but as i reflect into it, well it wasnt entirely my fault at all..

[julian19]

Push-pull/mixed signals is the very essence of seduction you know...thats why you guys get hooked so easy...NC is the way to back to your self esteem.

 

Im on strict NC for almost 3 months already. but i still get the feeling of being stuck from wanting her back or getting over her.

[OracleofDoom]

Some break-ups take years...and females that play games...good for short term...long term...get in line for the guys they have grasping at the wind for them.

[resilient7]

I had the same problem when she was starting to get distant and fell deeper when she eventually broke up with me.I was not in the very least clingy,desperate, at the beginning and cant say she was clingy because she wasnt but she showed more interest in me as I was always analyzing things and trying not to appear clingy or botch things up,always aware of my surroundings and my behavior (was my first RS).I couldnt blame the girl for thinking I was obsessed because the words and actions that ensued were exactly that.Problem was that I couldnt see it at the time and thought I was just showing her how much I loved her,I was wrong.

 

Still,during the RS she made me think I was clingy because she believed we saw each other too much.Too much being 4 days a week,2 hours.I still disagree.

[Mizz]

Hi there,, thank you so much for your advise we have a very very similar situation when my ex starts to withdraw emotionally and there i know, i became clingy and needy. aand after the the break up, she did a lot of horrible things to me, disrespect me and treated me like a crap..

 

im just so confused, sometimes when i remember her, and all the good things she did to me, i caught myself smiling and missing her, but there are times i do remember her and all the horrible things she did and said to me (every words she told me is so clear in my head) ,, i start to hate her and get angry how could she do this to me..

 

part of me wants her back and the other part wants me to get over her... im stuck!

 

I totally know how you feel! I still have ups and downs about it even though I no longer cry when I think about what happened or about him in general.

 

I have mixed feelings of "Forget him! he was such a jerk through out the relationship and all I ever was, was loving and nice!" and then another part of me is like "but I miss you, I want you to talk to me, to say sorry and come back, even though I don't think I'd want to be with you again after that" ... it's the oddest thing. But I think normal at the moment since we are just trying to sort our feelings. We had loved so much and now we lost that love, so we have to get to a point where we can move on altogether. But right now we are just in-between. I am getting better with it though. Like today I was so strong! Though I saw one thing on facebook that made me realize "oh my gosh he does not obviously care at all!" cause I had deleted him 2 days ago, he's obviously been online because I went on a mutual friend's page and he had liked their status. It was a kick in the face sort of because I wasn't even intending to see that, I just wanted to go on a friends page and see how they were doing and I saw that! I felt kinda bad, like "wow! he really doesn't care that I deleted him then!" and he hasn't tried contacting me in days anyway, so I guess it shows what kind of a guy he really is then. So I had felt a little bad from that at first. Then I thought how "he doesn't care, so I clearly shouldnt" and how I should continue to stay strong. Still keeping the NC rule.

 

You know what might help? I did this as well, make a list of "good" and "bad" about your ex. Ironically I made the list like 3 weeks before he broke up with me. I think apart of me was questioning if I was really happy too and if I had wanted to be with him, things had felt kinda different, not the same since the beginning, though when I originally made the list I thought "I wonder if I am being too dramatic? Maybe it's just a rough patch we could work out" but I had mentioned my concerns before and he was still being nice to me and acting like everything was fine so I forgot about this list I made and went on still feeling kinda odd, still a little extra sensitive than usual, more emotional, I didn't quite feel like I was acting like myself, but he was making me think/feel like it was all ok, like nothing bad would have happened.

 

But then something bad DID happen. He dumped me. For whatever reason I am still not quite so positive on. I felt guilty like it had been my fault, but I realized I can't blame myself. And you can't blame yourself either. Cause if they really had loved us, despite if they had an issue with how we were acting, or had concerns about the relationship, they could have talked to us first before this decision or at least tried to work it out.

 

I say make a list. Make a list with "good" on one side and "bad" on the others regarding qualities of your ex, things they did how they were/acted.

You might be surprised at what you write. My list had only 2 good things listed, and then the "bad" side had, no lie, 19 things listed.

 

Making a list might help you to see that maybe it's better it's over. And that maybe it's better to move onto someone else who will appreciate you for how you are and treat you the way you deserve.

 

EDIT: and I realized, The funny thing is, in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't have a worry or doubt. I wasn't insecure, I didn't mind what he did, I wasn't suspicious or always looking for his attention. When bad things started happening, when I felt disrespected and lied to, when he'd call me names or do things I felt not as important or that he didn't care as much, that's when I started to get more sensitive...