I am a woman about to have a GUY roommate.. good/bad?

[lilsmc]

Hello,

i need advice in this matter. I have to make a decision whether to decide to move in with a guy roommate. The guy ive been dating is totally against it and thinks that I would be making a wrong decision and this could potentially affect what we have going on. I totaly agree with him but at the same time he needs to understand that ultimately I am the one paying my bills and its my decision.

 

About this guy roommate- I met him through craigslist, i checked out the place, he looks humble, honest and super nice, my friends have met him and so will my parents tonight. Ive already contacted refrences and he is also great on paper.

 

I am very much so considering moving in with this guy as i am also getting this place for a great deal. I am also hoping that things wont go sour with my guy... I am a little confused and any advice would be very much appreciated.

 

Thanks,

S

[Coconut Twin]

Do what is right for you. Nothing wrong with moving in with the opposite sex. I've lived with guys and the worst that happened was we became chums and so what. Your new date needs to check himself, shows he lacking a bit of self esteem possibly? to be panicking about you moving into a mixed household? It's normal for Gods sakes.

 

On the other hand though, if you are attracted to him then I would say it's a recipe for disaster..

[lilsmc]

thanks! there is absolutely no attraction whatso ever so thats not an issue at all. The issue is my guy who seems to have a problem with all this. Oh well, like i said ultimately its my decision to make.

 

thank you !

[Fudgie]

Just be careful. You don't know the guy that well. Make sure that you keep a lock down on your valuables and have a lock on your bedroom door. Just a thought.

 

Right or wrong, MANY people who date may not be keen on the idea of their S.O. actually living with an opposite sex person (provided that they are heterosexuals). Personally, I wouldn't be cool with it and if I were looking to date or get into a relationship, I wouldn't room with a male, no. I understand the discomfort. Roommates get very close and spend a LOT of time together and yes, things can develop. If I were getting to know a guy and I learned he lived with 1+ more girls all together in an apartment, I honestly would just not date him and not waste my time. Too much awkwardness/drama/potential for something to "start" with one of them. I understand that there are exceptions but honestly, I just wouldn't bother personally.

 

You're welcome to do what you want but understand that it may be awkward for this new guy or anyone else that you may want to date.

[lonelyheart2]

Yeah I probably wouldn't be cool with it either, mostly because it's just one other guy so that could potentially become a very intense friendship. It's probably wrong but I would feel a little uncomfortable with it.

[PrettyGood]

By saying 'roommate' you mean that you will be living in the same room? Well I don't think it's bad if you both DON'T have significant others and even not planning to have, but if any of you have, then you/him will have a lot of jealousy issues. Once I was living with a guy renting 2 separate rooms, but living in the same flat. It wasn't awkward for us, cause we haven't seen each other totally naked (unless me or him went out of the shower with a towel around the body). Both of us had significant others who stood over night at our rooms, so they had no worries that there is nothing between us. But it was a little bit awkward when they had s.x and you can clearly hear it throughout the thin wall. The positive side of it is that you will have anyone to talk to when you are sad, but sometimes there will also be some arguments about the 'mess' in the room, parties or his friends coming when you are not ready to see any guests. So weight some pluses and some minuses. I am proud of that period when I was having him as a 'roommate' (lets call him so) in my life, but he thinks differently, cause I also had some ups and downs in my life and some fights between me and my jealous boyfriend and probably my roommate was thinking that I'm a psycho when I got mad about that stupid jealousy.

[lilsmc]

prettygood- Its two separate bedrooms in two opposite ends.. So there is a ton of privacy. We will however be sharing a bathroom which is fine with me. I am not in a relationship (just started seeing someone) and i would be more than glad to have him come over so he can meet my new roommate just so that it eases his doubts and what not. Ive gone to see other places with girl roommates and honestly their high strung personality was not a fit for me. either too loud, * * * * * y and annoying that i cannot see myself living with them. when i saw this place with the guy roommate, i instantly knew this would be perfect because he is super chill and the place is awesome as well! So, I hope it all works out for the best.

 

thanks for your advice btw

[Coconut Twin]

Go for it I say..

 

I lived with 3 guys before. They upstairs in the house and I on the bottom floor. Wasn't interested in them in the slightest. I had lived there for about a year, no issues and I was with my long term partner at the time. He never saw it as a threat of any sort. He actually shook hands with the guys when he came to visit me for the first time when I moved in. I fell in love with him more so when he did that. It showed such maturity and confidence.

 

It would bother me if a guy went all paranoid and insecure because I wanted to move into a shared household with the opposite sex.

[LDRohnos]

It's risky. The problem with all of these types of arrangements is that feelings can surface. Even if it isn't you that ends up having them but him, it can turn into a nightmare and it can affect your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

It can help if you talk to your boyfriend and tell him you understand his feelings and that strict boundaries will be set. It may help him cope with it. Having him meet the guy can help him as well. To say if he isn't 100% okay with it is wrong on his part is frankly, selfish thinking and that would speak volumes to me about the woman's character.

 

Just show some sympathy to how he may be feeling about it and communicate with him. If you're going to have the attitude of "this is the way it's going to be so deal with it" then expect him to retreat from you.

[Coconut Twin]

but feelings can progress or surface anywhere...at work, at the gym, at home..etc. So are we going to have to second guess everything before we make situational choices like moving out, and in the OPs case, a place that she actually really like's?

 

I rarely saw my housemates, I was too busy, they were busy. It was normally, 'hi how are you?' when I got in, occasional convos about bills, sometimes other leisurely stuff, but it's not any different than rapport you have with work colleagues and such..

 

Yea I agree that she should discuss it with him though, it's the human thing to do.

[Fudgie]

CrannyFadock,

 

It depends on the situation. Most people I know tend to spend a good amount of time with their roommate(s)...same or opposite sex, it doesn't matter. Some make a lot of meals together, watch movies together, etc. VERY different from work colleagues and it's in a much closer setting. There's a reason why many people are uneasy with it, while not being as uneasy about co-workers.

 

I think if the OP likes the place enough, she should live in it. But she shouldn't be upset or surprised when she finds that many guys that she dates don't like her living situation. It's something she's going to have to accept and live with.

[LDRohnos]

but feelings can progress or surface anywhere...at work, at the gym, at home..etc. So are we going to have to second guess everything before we make situational choices like moving out, and in the OPs case, a place that she actually really like's?

 

Absolutely. There's always consequences to our actions and that's why it's always a good idea to think, rethink, sleep on it, then then again before making these decisions. Make sure the one you're making is the right one that way you don't look back and regret it down the line.

 

The potential consequence to her action of moving into this place is alienating her boyfriend. If this is an acceptable consequence then so be it. There's no right or wrong here, only priorities and values. As long as to she sticks to them, she's doing the right thing but it's apparent her boyfriend isn't okay with it...so she needs to decide if this place is worth it by creating friction between them.

 

If they can talk about it and come to an understanding, perhaps it could be a great thing for their relationship. Regardless, every action has a reaction and these decisions shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

That said, they've been dating three months. Not an incredibly long time but still, long enough that this should be an important enough decision that may make or break their relationship. The best course of action (I feel) is to sit down and have a long talk with him about it. Maybe a few talks. If compromise can be made and he can cope with it, excellent. If not, then a decision needs to be made with some potentially bad consequences.

[Stay_home]

Bad.

 

If you want to keep your relationship, find another roommate of the same gender.

[bulletproof]

The best roommate situations I've had were with guys, and I'm female. I think there is something to be said for the balance that different genders can provide each other. If I was dating a guy who had issues with it (and really, none of them did) I would question his security, confidence, and maturity. If I am going to cheat, I'm going to cheat. It has nothing to do with proximity. And if my bf can only trust me under certain conditions, that's not really trust.

 

Also, for the record, I was not remotely attracted to my male roommates. If anything, I was less attracted because I saw the real person- the everyday, sometimes moody, real person. Not the best-behavior guy I could meet in any other scenario.

[camus154]

The guy ive been dating is totally against it and thinks that I would be making a wrong decision and this could potentially affect what we have going on. I totaly agree with him but at the same time he needs to understand that ultimately I am the one paying my bills and its my decision.

 

I don't really understand how you say you totally agree with your boyfriend and yet you're still considering doing this.