Contact an old date?

[xstar]

Over a year and a half ago, I joined a dating website, on which I met two guys. One of the guys ended up being my boyfriend for a year and a half, we recently broke up. The second guy I went out with was really nice as well. We went on two dates total. I actually really liked both guys, but decided that the first guy was a better choice for two reasons. The two reasons were that the second guy was in school part time and working part time so he had no free time - in fact, in setting up those two dates was a hassle. Furthermore, we met when he was about a two month into his two year program, and from having a friend that was dating a guy doing a similar program, it was clear to me that he did not realize how crazy his life was about to get. The second reason was that I was actually applying to the same grad program out of state (the admission cycle is one year), meaning that even if he had one year to get to know each other, after that, neither of us would have time to see each other - with me moving away for school full time and him being at school/work full time. It just seemed like a recipe for disaster.

 

FF a year later. I'm single, still in school and he's done by now. I actually ended up going to school only 2.5 hours away (I always anticipated moving accross country). And I'm pretty curious about the guy now.. since I always liked him.. at the time I just didn't think that our lives would work around each other. I don't have his phone #, I don't have his email, all I have is FB name from when I stalked him to check him out from the two dates we went on - we're not friends. I'm tempted to contact him on FB, but I realize that it will be totally awkward and weird and that he could also not be single anymore. Would it be really awkward and weird for me to do so?

[confused1979]

Ahhh I am the perfect person to answer this

 

I have been in this situation. I met someone online, we went on a couple of dates and then went different ways. I met someone and she met someone but neither of us knew that at the time. Anyway, out of the blue a year later I get this message from her. It said how she really enjoyed meeting me and she hoped I was doing well etc. Funny thing is I had just split with the person I decided to date instead of her.

 

I responded saying how it was nice ot hear from her etc. We got together for coffee, then dinner and then had a little thing going for a while. It did not turn into a relationship but we are still friends. In fact I just got a message from her about 1 hour ago

 

I say to you, GO FOR IT Just say Hi it's..... was just thinking about you. Maybe ask how his study went etc.. You have nothing to lose

[xstar]

^ Wow, you are the perfect person to answer this. And so quickly too

 

You're right, I have nothing to lose. And if anything, I can keep him as a "networking" opportunity, since we are the same field. Would you mind paraphrasing the message that she sent you? I'm not sure how to write that it was really nice meeting him without being really weird about it.

[confused1979]

Well I wouldn't exactly write what she did lol At the time she thought that I was really into her but I had just met someone else. She had at the same time, I think we met the other people the night before our first date. Anyway, she messaged a year later saying, hey It's....I know this is out of the blue but I was thinking about you and felt I needed to apologize for just disappearing like I did last year. She then went on to explain her situation. There was no need as she had it wrong, I liked her as a person but was in the same situation as her meeting someone else.

 

Anyway..I wouldn't go into too much details. Just say hi it's....and maybe a short message about why you wanted to contact him. Could say something about both working in the same field etc. You will figure it out Just do not feel weird about making contact. If he replies great, if not then you will not die wondering.

[LoveHurts89]

I think you need to think about what you want from him before contacting him. If you want friendship, that's all fine and dandy. But if you want more, then I'm not so sure if it's a good idea. Number 1, finding out you're fresh from the relationship you ended contact with him for will make him feel like a total booty call and a back up plan, and Number 2, if his college course and the spare time he'd (not) have was such a big deal to you, what makes you think he'd be prepared to put up with it for you now?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, don't contact an old date. You are freshly broken up and hurting and the reason for you thinking about this other guy who wasn't good enough for you then is because you are lonely, depressed and looking to ease the pain. Rebound. If someone didn't think I was good enough and threw me over for someone else, I would think it was nervy of them to get back to me after the relationship was over with the one they thought was better. Nobody wants to be someone's consolation prize..which is basically what this other guy is to you.

[confused1979]

Disagree with the above two comments. Like I said earlier, go for it

[xstar]

I think you need to think about what you want from him before contacting him. If you want friendship, that's all fine and dandy. But if you want more, then I'm not so sure if it's a good idea. Number 1, finding out you're fresh from the relationship you ended contact with him for will make him feel like a total booty call and a back up plan, and Number 2, if his college course and the spare time he'd (not) have was such a big deal to you, what makes you think he'd be prepared to put up with it for you now?

 

His classes were a big deal because he was attending classes on the weekends and I though I'd be moving to school accross country. That means we'd never have time to see each other. I actually ended up moving only 2 hours away from him. I"m sure its pretty clear that if two people assume that they will never have time for each other, they should probably date others with more accommodating schedules

[xstar]

No, don't contact an old date. You are freshly broken up and hurting and the reason for you thinking about this other guy who wasn't good enough for you then is because you are lonely, depressed and looking to ease the pain. Rebound. If someone didn't think I was good enough and threw me over for someone else, I would think it was nervy of them to get back to me after the relationship was over with the one they thought was better. Nobody wants to be someone's consolation prize..which is basically what this other guy is to you.

 

I personally don't believe in staying single for the sake of staying single - I realize it's a very different point of view from a lot of people, but that's my point of view. I like relationships and to connect with people nor would I ever stay single because "I should". While I don't jump into relationships just to be with one if the person isn't right, I'm also not going to let opportunities pass by to get to know great people. I began dating my last boyfriend about 2 months after a break up and we ended up dating for a year and a half - my longest and healthiest relationship by far. The reason we broke up was due to distance when we moved away from each other and other very upsetting life circumstances that prevented us from seeing each other on a regular basis. I think if it weren't for the life circumstances, we'd still be together despite the distance.

 

Also, I dont think that I said that he was ever good enough. I thought he was great. But given the fact that I thought that I might be moving accross country at the time and he was just freshly starting a program without realizing how tough it was going to be while working full time... I felt like the relationship would end as soon as it began.

[xstar]

Disagree with the above two comments. Like I said earlier, go for it

 

Thanks! I'll give it a shot! I'm not sure if he'll respond.. he might not even remember me, or think * * * , or even have a GF.. all of which are totally fine. But at least I'll make his day by letting him know someone remembers him 2 years later I'd love it if that happened to me!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are also assuming it would make his day that someone remembers him two years later...maybe he wouldn't be so flattered and pleased knowing you only contacted him because your last relationship just fell apart recently. Not everyone is thrilled to pieces to be contacted by someone they once had a few dates with.

[xstar]

You are also assuming it would make his day that someone remembers him two years later...maybe he wouldn't be so flattered and pleased knowing you only contacted him because your last relationship just fell apart recently. Not everyone is thrilled to pieces to be contacted by someone they once had a few dates with.

 

Yes, you're right about that. And if my opening contact to someone were "hey, we went on 2 dates two years ago and actually started dating someone else, but now we're broken up so I'm free to talk to you how you been?" then hopefully, someone at some point in my life would have pointed out that I have zero tact or social grace.

[Greatone99]

Yes, you're right about that. And if my opening contact to someone were "hey, we went on 2 dates two years ago and actually started dating someone else, but now we're broken up so I'm free to talk to you how you been?" then hopefully, someone at some point in my life would have pointed out that I have zero tact or social grace.

 

HAHA! I lol'd.

 

Why not send him a message and see what he's up to? Couldn't hurt...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, you're right about that. And if my opening contact to someone were "hey, we went on 2 dates two years ago and actually started dating someone else, but now we're broken up so I'm free to talk to you how you been?" then hopefully, someone at some point in my life would have pointed out that I have zero tact or social grace.

 

Over time it will come out that you had indeed chosen someone else over him and then only contacted him the second your relationship broke up. The slap in the face to him will just be there later rather than sooner. All the tact in the world doesn't change the facts that will come out eventually. Kind of like when someone leaves a relationship for someone else but neglects to tell the partner that there was indeed someone else they started wooing before the breakup. Not telling the facts right away to "spare feelings" ends up backfiring because the truth comes out in the end and the feelings aren't spared.

 

This is also akin to the "little black book" cliché regarding men and their book of names of other women to call if Betty is too busy that night...they have a list of convenient names and can call them to have a night out because it is easier than starting from scratch trying to find someone new. The bottom line is I think that this has more to do with you wanting to jump into something new to relationship hop and since there are no other convenient possibilities at the moment you are grasping at this because it is better than nothing. If there was a guy right now who was ready to date you, I suspect you wouldn't be that interested in contacting this other guy. This is the real crux of the problem that you (and plenty of people for that matter) have..the need to be in a relationship, any relationship...anyone will do...it is defining oneself not as an individual but as part of a couple. Many celebrities have this issue...take JLo for instance, who bounces from one man into the arms of a boytoy. With celebrities and many regular people, it is one failed relationship after another with 5 minutes in between.

[xstar]

I don't see how me sending a guy a friendly note just to explore my options turned into a possible relationship or rebound, since you're assuming that the will (1) reply, (2) continue talking to me and (3) invite me to come visit him. But I digress.

 

Studies have shown that people who are in happy relationships earn more money, are more successful at work, live longer, have higher immune systems, and are generally happier. Not to mention that the ability to form connections with others, romantic and platonic, is a basic social need. I honestly don't see the need to sit at home during my childbearing age to learn how get rid of my desire to love and be loved and have children in my life because some guy decided that I wasn't good enough for him or didn't have the same values that I do. Especially when I'm sure that there are tons of men who do want the same things that I do and that I am capable of loving and not using to replace a hole in my heart because clearly, if I desire to be spend most of my life in a happy and loving relationship, I must be very dependent and afraid to be alone. Also, how did you get to "anyone will do"? I mean, seriously? Having a great connection with a guy 2 years ago that I chose not to date b/c I didn't think that a relationship at the time was possible is the same as I'm so desperate I will jump into a relationship overnight with any male that's willing to talk to me? Although I value your advice and words of caution, you do have some pretty pessimistic points of view about people and their motivations.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I know what the media reports on polls and "studies". As a researcher I know that you have to take them with a grain of salt. There are many married women who are in low paying jobs and are not happier married. I see a lot of unhappily married people and people who have been financially burned by a spouse who can't control money. You talk about exploring your options and how the guy might be tickled pink to hear from you. There is no thought to the reality of the other person..it seems to be all about you. To debunk some other myths that you mention: You can cultivate platonic connections even if you are not in a relationship so that need can be satisfied without having a partner. There are plenty of people who are just fine without a romantic partner..it is not a basic social need...it is what society dictates is "normal" whereas being single is considered "abnormal". Nobody says you have to sit home forever moping about the guy who rejected you...but 5 minutes after you have been dumped to go on a manhunt is about NEEDING a relationship to make you complete rather than HAVING a relationship to COMPLEMENT your life. I have seen this kind of strategy over and over on this forum and it typically ends in a lot of pain for the person who embarks on a relationship with someone who is fresh from a break up...and it usually ends up with the same kind of justifcations you are presenting here, from the person who is trying to "move on" by latching on to someone else right away.

 

 

 

 

This is what you wrote on April 19th. You are not over your ex by a longshot and I suspect want to re-connect with the other guy in the hopes that he will bite and something will come out of it so that you can have a romantic distraction from your current pain and someone to fill the void left by the breakup.

[xstar]

If you read that post it was more in reference to the feedback that I receieved in the week following up my break up and not being able to keep my emotions at home. So yes, I'm obviously concerned that if something upsetting happens over the summer that I don't know how to keep my emotions together at work. Notice the key word when I'm sad. I think that I know myself and my history with dealing with break ups and rebounds than a few random posts made in moments of vulnerability would suggest, but fine.

 

As for the other stuff - you are right. Clearly, wanting to reach out to a guy in a hypothetical - maybe in reality in the near future by sending him a short note - makes me needy, dependent and on the look out for a rebound. And clearly, it's blind my point of view that yes, relationships do need to develop over a period of time with the right people who complement in each other. Also, clearly these situations also turn negatively all the time since I'm only thinking about myself (goodness forbid that I assume working adult will have the emotional maturity to not ruin their life if someone from their past sends them a small note) I will end up hurting him terribly and breaking his heart. I will go and put myself on the required amount of hold until that time passes.

 

Also, please not that I said happy marriages. Not people who are married and are not happy. That by definition would be an unhappy marriage when someone is unhappily married as you said, and yes, being in an unhappy marriage sucks.

 

But anyway, this discussion is so over.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your thread title said "contact an old date?". So I gave my opinion which was "no" and stated my reasons why. It is clear from your subsequent posts to me and the other person who said "no" vs the post that said "yes", that you were simply looking for someone to agree with you. It wasn't actually a question it was a statement in which you were simply seeking validation for your decision. I wish you good luck with your quest.