Struggling to cope here

[Noggy27]

Hi

 

I have been around for a few months in this forum in the "Getting back together" section. After slowly healing I finally get that phone call after NC.

 

The phone call tells me shes pregnant with her new boyfriend and shes keeping the baby no matter what. She said she doesnt want to hurt me and used the words sarcastically "bet you dont want to be my friend now? Huh!".

 

I don't know what to say.. I was having a hard enough time dealing with the breakup but now I am in dire straits. My world is hazy and I am in so much pain right now I dont know what to do. I am a strong person and have been dealing with the pain of losing my love but now this??!!

 

Man this is CRAZY! What makes it worse is we were supposed to have our child this month. Shes having a strangers baby.

 

Please anyone out there! Help me! I cant focus and am breaking apart! All this bad news has just piled up and this has broken the camels back!

 

I am falling apart here... All my hopes and dreams have been crashed to the ground. Oh no..

[hazlcha]

You are in a lot of pain, as would anyone in that situation. You feel betrayed, that life is unfair, that the future is miserable, and, worst of all, that it may be all your fault. That's a s*cky feeling to have, because you tend to beat yourself up over it again and again. As the little logo says up top, you are not alone.

 

I want to ask you a few questions, but you can just answer them for yourself. I'm a guy who has had spectacular failures with the "fairer - although not always fair" sex. Lately, there've been some successes coming in, and I think it's because I've challenged everything I believed about myself and women, and made some small-but-huge changes.

 

1. How was your ex mistreating you?

2. If she was indeed cheating on you, would she really be someone you'd want to make a commitment to?

3. What would you do differently if you had it all to do over again?

4. Can you be other than "needy and clingy (as you wrote)"?

5. Do you want to go from needy and clingy to "confident and assured"?

6. How will you do that?

7. Is she the only, or even the best woman in your world?

8. How will you make this whole experience become the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

 

Food for thought, my justifiably sad friend. Now, though, it's time to stop being sad, and direct your thoughts to new exciting possibilities.

[Noggy27]

1. How was your ex mistreating you?

She wasnt. She was unhappy in our relationship and broke it off. She said she didnt love me anymore. She only started mistreating me when we broke it off. I guess it was her way of backing off and getting rid of me whilst protecting her own ego. I guess she used the motto of "sometimes its best to be mean to prove you care".

 

2. If she was indeed cheating on you, would she really be someone you'd want to make a commitment to?

No of course not, but she didnt cheat on me as far as I know. If she did though I would probably blame myself to begin with for not fulfilling her needs but then I would probably subconsciously hate her for doing such a thing.

 

3. What would you do differently if you had it all to do over again?

 

I would be more involved with her and a part of her life and not be such a closed book in our relationship. I would show her how much I cared for her and do more stuff with her.

 

4. Can you be other than "needy and clingy (as you wrote)"?

 

Yes. I am not a needy person. The only reason I am being needy is because I am hurt and its a natural instict to pull on something that is pushing away. If you see a boat sliding off the land into the sea the first reaction is to grab a rope and try and pull it back onto land. Letting it go onto the sea seems at the time a stupid thing to do even though it may be the right answer. If you fall off a mountain the first thing you do is try and grab on to something. The harder you grip onto the verge the more it crumbles until eventually it breaks and you fall into the sea.

 

5. Do you want to go from needy and clingy to "confident and assured"?

 

I usually am a very confident person. Though even us tough nuts break down sometime and with the amount of cr%p I have gone through these last 3 months, my confidence and ego has probably taken the biggest hit its ever done in my life. My Confidence and ego have been eaten, regurgitated and then spat out onto a verge that lorries drive over. I am the type of person who swallows my feelings. Right now its all been puked up into a big pool the size of the north sea.

 

6. How will you do that?

 

Time... I don't know. Hire someone to sit for an hour and tell me how great I am.

 

7. Is she the only, or even the best woman in your world?

 

At the moment yes. She is the person I have loved the most in my whole life. Every minute of not being with her makes me feel like I have a stake through my chest and I cant breath properly. I have had lovers, relationships before but none so close as this one.

 

8. How will you make this whole experience become the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

 

Probably drown myself... no.. I won't do that, but thats how I feel. I dont know man. Right now I cant see that far into the future.

[sonjam]

Hi

 

You said she's pregnant with her new boyfriend, you did not say she wanted you back. She's keeping the baby, but not the daddy??, and she was due to also have your baby this month, you have only been appart how long? it looks like 2 months from your posts. I quickly read through your posts about this and also saw you were stalking her a wee bit??

 

My advice, leave her alone. You are well on your way to recovery, she has no right to come and make her problem? yours, she chased you away like a rabid dog, now when she's a bit emotional (from the pregnancy hormones) and life is not such fun anymore, you are raked closer again. She is a selfish person, and you deserve better. You think she's your soulmate, only becaus you dont know what it is to have the real thing.

 

Go out find her - your true love. This girl is not it.

 

Just my 0.02 cents.....

[Noggy27]

You said she's pregnant with her new boyfriend, you did not say she wanted you back. She's keeping the baby, but not the daddy??,

 

I don't know... Truth is I have been away for so long now I dont know whats going on. All I know is this guy she was dating has made her pregnant during one of his booty calls. All I know is they meet once or twice a week for a date and then a romp. I dont know what she wants. Her words were " Regardless of what the father I am keeping the baby". I don't know what that means but I am guessing he told her he doesnt want to be a part of it and shes decided to go through with it anyway.

 

Maybe shes not my soulmate, but it doesnt mean I dont feel like she is at the moment. I can't begin to describe how betrayed and let down I feel.

[sonjam]

I can understand how you can feel so much pain, but Im trying to bring clarity and reason into your life. What I have to say might not always be what you want to hear!.

 

What I want to say to you, as gently as possible, is you are not together anymore. but by the pain and devastation you feel, you have not even begin to let go. You don't really know what's up with her or the boyfriend, but yet you act ?? like she's still your responsibility/girlfriend. She's not becouse she chose not to be anymore.

 

I think it was soooo cruel of her to give you this call, what on earth did she think she could acomplish with it?

 

I know how hard it is to shut yourself out of her life, but please try, for your own sanity. It is such a dark hole she has thrown you into. Don't dispair!

 

My heart aches for you. Please remember you are in all our thoughts and we are here for you, even we don't always have the right words, we offer our support.

 

If I may make a sugestion - don't reply to the call? Don't hop onto this rollercoaster again. Stay with your feet planted on the ground.

[hazlcha]

she didnt cheat on me as far as I know. If she did though I would probably blame myself to begin with for not fulfilling her needs but then I would probably subconsciously hate her for doing such a thing.

 

Couple of thoughts. While it's probably true that she was faithful until the breakup, although you seemed to have some doubts, your reaction is interesting. I'm no psychologist (I've studied it a lot, though), but it seems to me that you are looking at your own worth as a human being through how you are treated by those you love. In other words, any failure - real or imagined - is a failure of you as a human being. You feel that you are to blame.

 

I would like to suggest that you adjust your way of thinking. You can't control how someone else feels. At best you can influence it. What you can control, and it takes some work, is how you feel, how you behave, how you react. The more you do that effectively, the more influence you will have (but only influence).

 

Just from your post, you place most of the blame on yourself. That's not fair. And it's not fair for another person to feel responsible for their partner/friend/spouse's self-esteem. They have enough trouble with their own, as do we all. Our power as human beings comes from knowing what we control, and using our unique gifts, sensitivities, intellect, soul to do so.

 

You are 100% right that time is on your side, and you can speed that up by gently pushing your thoughts in a new direction. Instead of self-flagellation, realize that you have great gifts. I see that you're a deeply sensitive person - great! Then ask yourself honestly how you will grow from all this. What changes will excite you. It's all in how you talk to yourself, how you think. Negative thoughts tend to feed on each other and cripple you - make you dependent and not resourceful. Proactive thoughts get the wheels turning and make the impossible become real.

 

I agree that she's not what you need right now, as difficult as that is to hear today at such a sensitive, emotional time. But you are here, now. No use living in the past, so as soon as you can, start planning a new future, using the lessons of the past, and let your emotional experience motivate you!

[Noggy27]

Thanks guys..

 

what you say makes sense and its wise. I am at work at the moment and am trying my hardest to not cry. I had a few tears escape me but holding this in is hard. No one has noticed yet hopefully but today is such a hard day I feel like just going home and locking myself up for a week. I know everything will be ok, I know I will find someone else out there but you were right about one thing. I have obviously not learnt to let go. I am finding it too hard to let go. I suppose there was always hope for me to move closer together with her and maybe win her back into my life. I know now that there is 100% no way of that happening now. She already has a child from a previous marriage and it took me a while to get that into my head. Now she has two children and two fathers and none of them are me. Life can be so unfair sometimes. I guess I kinda blame myself because I lost something that was dear to me. I feel I could of done better and although its her choice and her decicion its just so damn unfair!

[hazlcha]

It's OK to feel emotions and to cry. Take a time out if you need to. There's a proper time for everything, and this is for acknowledging and accepting your feelings.

[ayekasong]

It's good to cry. Male, female, something else... everyone needs to cry. It is a lot better than pushing those feelings deep inside and letting them eat you away.

 

And if I may say so, what a .... I won't say it it would get filtered out anyway, but that was incredibly cruel of her to call you and tell you that!

 

Please keep us updated, I hope you can find some peace during this trying time.

[Noggy27]

urghh

 

I just picked up the phone and it was her.

 

She basically said the same as what you guys just said, she said that she didnt mean to hurt me, it wasnt a "big plan" to hurt me it was just something that happened. She said I am selfish because she was the one who was pregnant and she was the one who lost her job and all I could think about was how I felt about all this. I tried to tell her it wasnt easy for me to just switch off my feelings for her and that wanting to be with someone and missing them isnt a crime or being selfish.

 

She basically said she wants me in her life but doesnt want to have to go through this with me everytime she talks to me.

[lost_puppy]

Please, for your own sake, initiate NC. You really don't need to hear any more about her at this point. It's like you were just beginning to heal, then you were set back a few months by a single phone call! I feel that happen to me, too, though not that bad ... If I see her walking by (or even imagine that I see her), or back when she would text or call me occasionally, I'd feel like I'd taken a few steps backwards in my road to emotional recovery. That's why I told her that we should be totally NC for a while. I think that'll benefit you as well.

 

Good luck,

LP

[sassycat]

Wow, it seems you have a lot to digest now that she's told you about her latest problem. I can sympathize. I recently left my husband of..well three years...been together for 8, after he told me he didn't want to have children. That's a big deal for a lot of people. I briefly read some of your posts and I don't like to assume, but until your recent conversation with her you were doing better? I know that it takes a long time to actually feel better or even half decent, god knows I don't right now, but all you can do is take things one day at a time. Keep yourself busy and try with everything you have not to get sucked in, seems to me by telling you about her situation she just wants you to feel as badly as she does. Hang in there, hopefully things will get better, at least I hope so!

[Noggy27]

guys.

 

This wasnt just me getting back to stage 1 after 1 phone call. Yes you are right i was healing fine and would of probably handled that phone call. What I cannot handle is the fact that the woman I love is PREGNANT with another man. Not just another man but a complete stranger! She has dated this guy like 8 times or something over the last 2 months.

 

I cant deal with the fact that the person I love with all my life is now never going to see me again, and unlike everyone else on this forum the chances of me EVER seeing her again are like -100 . Its not just a breakup, its a new life and with that new life shes going to sell her house and car and move in with this guy and have his baby!

 

Yes I know! Move on! Forget about her, but its so hard! Its not fair! I know I am a free man and can live life, I know I got lots of women ahead of me and a great rosy future, what I probably am struggling with the most though is simply just letting go of that rope and letting the boat drift away never to be seen again.

 

The thing was Sassycat, I WANTED to have this baby and we were supposed to have it this month. She did get pregnant this month as planned, just not by me! This is so horrible!

[Soulfully]

Man!! I truly feel for you! Im really really sorry to hear what you're going through! U'r right, its not fair... and even though she tells you that she didnt mean to hurt you, its just damn hard to not feel soo much hurt at this moment!

 

I cant really tell you anything that would even start making you feel better. Feel the pain man, feel the hurt, cry it out...do what you gotta do man!

 

I do agree that you should start NC. There's no real point right now to be honest. She's starting a new life, and I believe you've gotta do the same thing. She still wants you in her life? pfff...that's kinda hard i believe. And sometimes it seems that its all about what she wants, and there's something just not quite right there. She wanted to dump you, she did....she wanted to date a new man...she did, she wanted to get pregnant...she did, now she wants YOU in her life too? hmmmmm.... pfff.... something not quite right there I think. I might be wrong since I dont know the full details about your relationship with her, the break up etc... But still....

 

However, her situation with this new guy...u say they've only been together 2 months? 8 dates? and she's pregnant....and is going to move in with him etc.... pfff....good luck!! Everything too too quick! Im no fortune-teller...but i dont believe its going to work out perfectly in her new relationship. Dont get me wrong...i hope it does work out, not for her, not for the new guy, and obviously not for you.....but for the baby! Damn it...i just really hate when babies are born under less than healthy relationships. And I believe that far from anything...it is way too early to say that their relationship is a healthy and potentially positive long-lasting one. Poor baby, he/she aint got nothing to do with it, yet it will probably suffer the consequences. Life is unfair.

 

I can smell the drama cooking unfortunately. Good luck with everything Noggy...if you stay in her life, get ready for it. I might be completely wrong...but you must admit that something is slightly wrong with this situation.

 

Soulfully Yours,

One love

[sassycat]

Hey, I hope you feel al little better, but probably not. Sometimes I think that will or would be the hardest thing for me ever in life...to see my ex having children with someone else...mostly brecause he doesn't or didn't want them with me. It's unbelieveably hard and just the thought rips apart my insides, so even though I try not to imagine that pain I can and I feel so bad for you. Like going through the rest of the BS isn't enough, now you have to deal with this. What I have discovered is that LIFE IS EVERYTHING WE DON'T EXPECT AND NOTHING THAT WE DO. The days will be better than the nights and friends are become everything and time takes on a whole new meaning. Good Luck.

[massagebyeg]

Hi. I dont know how exactly this works, but 3 weeks ago I just got out of a 6 year relationship. I am crushed. He left me. The worse part about it, is that when I went to go see him because I just cannot be away. I heard some girl laughing and giggling, and my whole body felt numb. Thats when I realized he is moving on so fast because he has someone in his life. I am crushed. ITs only been 3 weeks since he left, and I know yall have been throught his. Any advice?

[sassycat]

Hey,

Sorry things are not so good. There not good here either, it's been 4 months for me and nothing has gotten any better, it's actually been worse, but everyone says it gets worse before it gets better...so there is hope. I wish I had something more to say, something more positive but lately I feel like I'm having an emmotional breakdown and am having trouble just getting through each day. I hope it's not that bad, and that you can move on, it's tough and it hurts, but time is all that we have and hopefully what we all need, it's the waiting that'll kill you!

Take care and surround yourself with friends!!!!

[massagebyeg]

Thanks for your help. It seems thats all Im doing is just taking it day by day. I have lost so much weight its unreal. And my co workers are suspecting something is wrong. The managment position im in, I dont want gossip spread around the office. I shouldnt have ever givn him a deadline for marriage and I think thats what threw him over the edge. No guy is going to break up with me for no reason after 6 years. We went to las Vegas for 4 days, had the most amazing sex, and then we broke up. Now hes with soemone else? Its only been 3 weeks. I cant do this. Its hurts so much. I call him all the time and everytime I pick up the phone he says " Cant you get it through your head were not together anymore". This hurts so much. Whats NC by the way? I just keep wondering if hes ever gonna come back. I feel like sick to my stomach, and I call into work alomost all the time. because I just want to lay in bed.

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[sassycat]

Oh Boy, you are right in the middle of it all aren't you? Whatever you do, DON'T let him get the best of you, you have a good job and a place to go to get away from it, don't let him ruin that too! Go to work, throw yourself into work, go for drinks after work, join clubs and groups at work..it may sound silly but it works, do whatever you can to keep your mind from wandering...listen to me I should be taking my own advice!! Ha.

Six years is a long time, I was in my relationship for 8, married for almost 3 now, and because I just found my own place and actually moved in I feel like this just happened instaed of happening 4 months ago! I have been crying for 5 days now, my eyes are swollen and red, I look awful and everytime someone tries to talk to me all I want to do is run away and hide...I'm in marketing and that's the last thing I can do!!! My ex and I can't even talk and when I think I'm ready to talk to him when I do I listen to him and I can't understand how he sees things the way he does, and it infuriates me and we end up fighting all over again.

It's going to take a long time to heal, but you'll have good days and bad...I called out of work on Tuesday...just couldn't do it, didn't want to deal...and I don't have cable yet!!!! YUCK. But I do know how you feel, like I said I'm right in the middle of it with you, just know you're not alone!

[massagebyeg]

Thanks Sassy. Its nice to hear encouraging words. It really does help. Someitmes I feel that I need answers as to why he moved on so fast, or why did he sleep with me just 3 weeks ago and then all of a sudden went from hot to cold. Its confusing. This time last year we broke up for 4 months and got back together, only because I got PG and then miscarried. I think he stayed with me just because he felt bad. I think now its for good because he has someone else and its easier for him to move on. I have dreams at night about us getting back together or him coming back to me and I wake up so hurt because It seems real. I wish I was where your at now ( I mean the time under my belt). The way I get over it is by reading or working out. I always call him to see if he has his phone on, and if he does it makes me have a calm feeling because when he was with that other girl he had it off. Why am I even talking about this? It doesnt matter. I hate feeling this way. I asked him if hes dating anyone and he says no, but then he says its none of my business> I feel like killing him because its only 3 weeks and he treats me like if he didnt love me for 6 years. Oh well one day at a time. right?

[sassycat]

It sucks, I dread going home now even though I was so happy to finally have my own place. It seems so empty and so sad and then I feel empty and sad, I call my ex and then get so angry..and then have to go through all of those feelings all over again and just wonder why I do it to myself? I'm 33 and feel like I have wasted the part of my life that was to be filled with marriage and children and a home and am even more angry after I think about that!!! I have been seeing a counselor off and on now since it happened...more off lately than on, probably should be the other way around...but it's hard for me to talk and not cry about it...somedays that's all I do when I go and there he is saying that I haven't changed any and that's why our relationship can't work? He, to this day hasn't done anything at all to change his behavior or to fix our relationship which is just another sign to me that he doesn't want it to work...what do I do, I can't win with him and I can't without him..at least that's what it feels like right now, I know it'll get better, but I have a feeling it'll be a real long time.

[massagebyeg]

I understand. You sound like a beautiful person. 33 is not old. There alot of people out there that are far worse that have children involved and some ex's actually get married aa few months after or become parents. Now that sucks. Im doing better today. I haven tcalled my ex its just hard in the evening and morning is the worse time ever. Hang in there. Im not a very religious person , but I strongly believe the phrase "we are exactly where god wants us to be" .