I had a bad day

[thousandyear]

Sorry for posting this... seems rather hypocritical of me to make posts supporting others, about forgiveness, etc... when I myself haven't fully recovered. I know it's just a bad day, as I am at a conference where my ex and I have attended 2 years ago as a couple. Now we are here in the same city again, but staying at separate hotels, have completely separate travel plans. Since we are both in the same social group and same small profession, I did run into him tonight at a conference-related party, where he was flirting with multiple other girls. That I was fine with... but he did smile at me like he did with others as if we are good friends and chatted with me superficially about which hotel I am staying at and told me how he met up with one of our mutual friends for dinner. Of course he shortly focused his attention back to the ladies... I left early so as to avoid seeing more of this.

 

This mutual friend had actually wanted to invite me to dinner together, but in the end decided likely it would be awkward. The mutual friend did inquire about the reason for the break-up and my ex managed to put me in a very bad light (I definitely made mistakes, but I realized them and apologized, but he will not accept and continue to blame me for the break-up, as if I forced him to break up with me). To this day he has not said to me that he realized his and his parents' contribution to the relationship break-up (his parents gave him the ultimatum - if he marries me, they would disown him, if he were to go against his parents and marry me, they are certain that he will be miserable and will not be there for support him then (what kind of parents make threats like this... wouldn't all parents be there to support their children when they are down even if they did not listen to the parents?), if he were to marry me against his parents' wishes his parents warned him to never have kids as I will make a horrible mother (others who heard this have said it is really extreme, so has he ever considered that perhaps his parents views are very extreme and often not based on facts but rather their own extrapolation based on their own biases?), etc), and never said sorry for dragging me along for 1 year after break-up so that he would be totally healed and ready to move on (lots of false hope).

 

I certainly made mistakes, I was emotional, at times selfish and inconsiderate (but so has he! everyone does this unknowingly at times), but when I realized, I apologize and want to make things right. Fundamentally I never left him during all his times of failure... I believed in him when he did not believe in himself, I stood by him when he thought his injury would result in him permanently not be able to do his job, yet all he can say now is about my problems and bad qualities.

 

Yes, I am emotional, selfish, inconsiderate, and made many mistakes, but I take responsibility for my words, I don't make false promises, I am capable of admitting my mistakes, apologize and want to make things right, and I don't leave someone during their time of need. He never considered that perhaps he is immature, overdependent on his parents, lack integrity (mostly words, no action... lots of false promises), is the type that when he needs you he would say anything to keep you (during his times of failure, he had even asked "you won't leave me, right?" and I had always said "of course not, I love you"), but when he doesn't then he can start picking faults and cannot forgive.

 

I know all this really does not matter and I should not be thinking of him... but seeing him flirting with other girls, putting on a fake smile as if we are old friends, and knowing from our mutual friends his inability to feel any contribution to the break-up hurts... what he did was not nice... no matter how horrible I am, he made a decision to propose... a person with integrity would mean those words and even if he did not mean them, at least end the relationship with a clean cut... don't drag me along for 1 year while he is healing... and to place all the blame on me. It hurts.

 

I'm not wishing him the same experience he put me through... but I sincerely do not think he is able nor want to try to think from someone else's perspective... what he did was not nice... and perhaps the only way he will ever feel his own contribution is if someone else does this to him. But then again, he gets angry very easily, so he would not have allowed someone to drag him along for 1 year with false hope and would have moved on very quickly himself.

 

I just need to stop thinking about the past... I need to stop having reminders of him in my life... but we are in the same small profession, so it's hard at times. I'm sure this is just the 3 step back in the recovery process of 5 steps forward and 3 steps back. But it hurts quite a bit right now...

[90_hour_sleep]

lol...

 

sorry...i'm laughing in spite of myself...because through this entire post all i was thinking was, ''3 steps forward...2 steps back...4 steps forward...2-1/2 steps back...etc etc etc''. have you heard of Pema Chodron? i remember her talking about that. god i love that woman.

 

funny how we don't usually need anyone to tell us what to do...or to make sense of things for us. we already know it most of the time. but it sure is nice to just spit it out sometimes (maybe most of the time). it's like...by giving substance to our thoughts...a part of us lets go of that energy.

 

you can apologize all you like, thousand...but i don't think it's necessary. we're all here to listen.

 

all part of the journey forward. you know that. take it in stride. let it happen. let the thoughts come...let them go. be curious about your experience. remember your message of forgiveness. take care of yourself. be gentle.

 

i know you're not feeling great just now...but this all made me smile. i'm not happy about your circumstances...i'm just reminded of another time in my life.

 

just another season. and there's no stopping the seasons.

 

you'll get there.

 

better yet...you ARE there.