fighting about marriage -what to do??

[Mun]

He may change his mind if you stop asking . Nobody likes being told what to do... especially men. They want to be trusted that --you know--they will do the right thing. Try that approach and see how things go.

[Luciana]

D, I know exactly how you are feeling.

Muneca is right, you can't put YOUR life on hold for him, and if you do, he will lost respect for you!

So buy your house, even though you may think "how dumb, here I am doing something that should be ours, and he doesn't get it". It will be difficult goign through all the steps alone.

 

You didn't mention how long you have been dating him. If it's 2 years, I feel your pain. He should know by now.

 

And you are right, you may keep your mouth shut waiting for him to make the decision, but you will resent, resent, get angrier and angrier...it's so destructive.

 

So my advice again is to leave him if after a while he doesn't make up his mind. You have to REALLY leave. NO contact. With caller ID you know it's him and you don't answer. The first 2 days are very difficult and thne it gets better.

 

Or, you can go anti-conventions and ask HIM to marry you. Some women are doing it. I know it takes a lot of courage, but it may be another way.

 

Right now just go on with your life. Buy your apartment, and start becoming less and less available. I know it's very hard, all you want is to be with him. But the strong women survive in this game, the weak ones will suffer. And how long do you intend in suffering? 6 months, 1 year?

MAKE YOURSELF A DEADLINE THEN LEAVE. That's the best advice I can give you. You have done your part (tell him how you feel ), so now if he wants you he will find you.

[d346]

It's been 3 years.

 

You are very right. good advice. and I think it's the way for me to proceed.

 

The thing is, a lot of the time I am very happy. We have a very loving relationship. Sometimes though, I get sent into a tizzy (increasingly more) when I have phone conversations with my mom and she's drilling me on the "status on our relationship" that I need know, I can't be expected to wait... rah rah rah. I am close to her, so I don't tell her to F- off -I respectfully tell her to let me handle my relationship. But it does get me in a steamy mood. I usually cool off before I see my boyfriend -But it always gets me on edge, and the wheels of frustration begin to turn every time I get off the phone with her. It's hard! It's one thing if your family doesn't approve of your boyfriend and you say, whatever! we're in love, we're in this together, and we're going to spend our lives together despite any opposition in our way. But in this case I find myself defending his hesitation, yet have my own doubts in the back of my head. So, I end up upset after these conversations...

 

Interestingly enough, he mentioned me buying a house yesterday, and he asked if I am really considering it, or if I am just saying it to get him into gear. Actually I just go pre-approved for a mortgage, so I'm ready to roll!

[Mun]

D346,

Next time mom is pressing you for a wedding date.. politely tell her that marriage is the last thing on your mind right now... you want to establish yourself as a strong, independent woman before you can committ the rest to of your life to one man. The more you repeat this....I hope.. she will begin to believe it and back off.

 

Dr. G would say that you should behave as you would in an exclusive relationship, but not as though you are engaged. So keep nurturing the relationship, but make independent decisions-----just like you are doing now

[Foz]

wow i kind of had the same problem with my guy, but he left me in the end after 3.5 years, 2 of living together.

He said he wasnt too sure whether he wanted to marry me yet and i had always said dont mess me around so he decided to be fair to me he would up and leave.

I of course am devastated and now wish id never mentioned marriage because i would do anything to have him back. all his friends were getting engaged and married and i started dropping hints and 1 week after we went to a friend of his wedding he left me.

He said he didnt want to get married until he was 36(dont know where he got that magic age from) and maybe the timing was wrong and then he said he didnt want to marry me and well he kind of very hurtfully said he had to be fair to himself and find a future partner.

All my friends say if he didnt know if he wanted to marry me after 3.5 years together, he was never going to know..

i didnt give my guy an ultimatum i just told him i needed to know he wasnt wasting my time and we had a future together. Maybe that is an ultimatum but i didnt mean it to be one. He never said anything and mulled it over, then we were bickering on holidays and i think that is when he went this isnt what i want to marry and left..

This actually probably isnt helping you but i think my advice is dont push it, he sounds like my guy and i pushed him and he left.

[d346]

hey guys...thought i'd give you an update.

 

We were just out for dinner, and he brought "us" up... He said given his finances...he wants to work on them before we get married...However, he said that he hasn't been avoiding the topic -he's been thinking about it alot, and that he'd like me to be patient and supportive, and in 6-8 months, he will be ready to propose. He realizes he probably can't take care of all of his finances in that time, but can definitely get the ball rolling. He just asks that I don't flip out on him in the meantime -He feels that things are starting to fall into place for him, and he's starting to see the big picture.

 

 

so, I have decided to give him this time.... I asked how he felt about me shopping around for houses in the meantime, and he said that although he feels a little left out, that I should continue to do what would make me happy (I told him I don't like renting and feeling in limbo regarding my living situation) and that he's sure the rest will fall into place.

[Mun]

Hey D,

I think that's good news.

 

Thanks for the update