More Venting required

[muso]

Hi all, feeling a bit crap about my current situation and just need to vent a bit more about it, any responses appreciated... here's my post from last week for background:

 

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In a nutshell I few weeks ago I went out a couple of times with a girl who was a bridesmaid at a mutual friends wedding. She is 23 and I am 33. She initially asked me out online and then we first went for drinks one night, then met for lunch a second time a few days later. About a week later I invited her over to my place for dinner, and she ended up staying over. Everything seemed to be going great.

 

Then the following week she is on-call with her work so can't meet up but will try and make a gig I played on that weekend (I know the on-call part is true at least). She did not show up to the gig, and no text or other contact about it. She had a planned trip overseas for a week straight after that which I knew about before. I texted her the day before just saying 'have a good trip' and she texted back saying 'see you when I get back'. A few days into the trip she is on facebook and we have a short chat and she again says 'see you when I get back'.

 

So she is back a few days ago, and I texted her and asked if I could see her again soon. She replies with an invite for me to come around for dinner at her place this week but doesn't know what day and says she'll let me know the next day. Thats 2 days ago now and no communication from her.

 

I am pretty emotionally fragile at the best of times and although this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to others, I feel very depressed right now. I have been single for most of my life and have also just moved into a place where I live alone, so I guess maybe I just igot my hopes up that I might not be so lonely any more. In my head I know she is young and just playing games with me and I am over-reacting and I shouldn't take it so seriously, but I can't help feeling quite devasted by the whole thing right now.

 

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So it's now been over a week with no communication from her and a full 3 weeks since she came over, I have taken some advice and not initiated any contact myself either... I realise that this is a clear sign that she is not interested any more, I just wonder why the hell she would even say 'yea sure, come over' when she has no intention of seeing me again? I'm tempted to send a message to say something along the lines of 'I guess you're not interested anymore, that's a shame, but no hard feelings' but I guess this is probably not a great idea. My mood seems to be disproportionately affected by this situation and I'm not sure what to do about it...

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far... as always, any responses are appreciated...

[Spacecapsule]

I had a very similar situation happen to me a few months ago. I went on a date with a young woman, and I thought it went great and we even made plans for a second date. Well, the communication that had been almost constant prior to the date dried up then the second date got postponed and then days turned into weeks. Yes, at first I was confused and angry, but I had to come to terms that if she really wanted to see she would find a way to see me. You stated you have been single most of your life, so I imagine the last encounter with her keeps playing over and over in your head as you try to figure out what went wrong. Well, I can save you some grief, you will never find that answer so you need not worry yourself with it. I know these roadblocks are especially difficult for the perpetually single guy because it finally seems like you have a way out of the constant loneliness. Do not get discouraged though, for as one door closes another opens.

[HLamb]

Holy crap. I had pretty much the same situation only she wasn't so young. Constant communication leading up to the first date. Date went exceptionally well (at least in my mind) and made plans for another a few days later. She said she had to work and asked for a postponement which was no biggie. Then no communication at all. I get that we just met each other and we don't really know each other but that's just rude! At least have the common decency to say you're no longer interested. I too had my hopes up and it was a good feeling at the time. I tried contacting for a week then left it alone. I figure her action (or non-action) was more reflective of her true self and that would certainly not be a trait that I would be looking for in a mate. Still sucked though.

 

The only advice I would have is to have a thicker skin if you're going to be in the dating game... At least during the first few dates. Not everyone is so open and honest especially in the beginning. Sometimes it gets disheartening but when the right one comes along, it'll be worth it. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

[Spacecapsule]

Then no communication at all. I get that we just met each other and we don't really know each other but that's just rude! At least have the common decency to say you're no longer interested. I too had my hopes up and it was a good feeling at the time. I tried contacting for a week then left it alone. I figure her action (or non-action) was more reflective of her true self and that would certainly not be a trait that I would be looking for in a mate. Still sucked though.

 

I really have to echo your sentiments here. I mean it is easier for me to take if a woman just tells me she is not interested in me. Flaking me off then never getting back with me just leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I too have to try to keep a positive upbeat attitude, but it gets tough at times.

[Ms Darcy]

You feel emotionally fragile -- if so, then you really need to work on that. People (women in this case) can smell desperate. I think if you can consider therapy/increasing confidence then you will have an easier time attracting women and not being devastated if someone loses interest after a few dates.

[muso]

Thanks Spacecapsule, appreciate your response... you're right it does keep playing over in my head... it probably wouldn't have been so upsetting if a) we hadn't slept together (not that I am complaining about that fact) and b) if she would have just come out and said thanks but no thanks... also the fact that she is best friends with one of my best friends' wives is playing on me, because I know that our paths will cross again sooner or later.. hard not to get discouraged, but I guess we have no other option but to keep trying right...

[muso]

Thanks HLamb... I agree that you need a thick skin for this business... unfortunately I was not born with one, and I guess I get my hopes up a little to easily.. Will try to work on this, and yes - do keep telling yourself that, I hope it comes true for you (and me) at some point...

[muso]

You feel emotionally fragile -- if so, then you really need to work on that. People (women in this case) can smell desperate. I think if you can consider therapy/increasing confidence then you will have an easier time attracting women and not being devastated if someone loses interest after a few dates.

 

You are right Ms Darcy, and my friends have told me the same thing that I need to be more confident.. I have been trying to work on this over the years and have improved somewhat, I often do have a hard time approaching women in general though... I have thought about some kind of therapy over the years, not sure how to even start really... maybe I just need to find someone as desperate as I am haha...

[Spacecapsule]

Thanks Spacecapsule, appreciate your response... you're right it does keep playing over in my head... it probably wouldn't have been so upsetting if a) we hadn't slept together (not that I am complaining about that fact) and b) if she would have just come out and said thanks but no thanks... also the fact that she is best friends with one of my best friends' wives is playing on me, because I know that our paths will cross again sooner or later.. hard not to get discouraged, but I guess we have no other option but to keep trying right...

 

Again, another similarity, as the young woman I dated was best friends with a friend of mine's wife. Do not worry about your paths crossing again, as I have crossed path numerous times with the young woman in question. I am just civil, and just try to put forth the most positive image I can muster. I guess deep down I feel I present myself well enough she will kick herself for losing such a "catch." I am sure you could benefit from that same mindset.

[ClarenceRutherford]

few weeks ago I went out a couple of times with a girl who was a bridesmaid at a mutual friends wedding. She is 23 and I am 33.

.

If you ask me, the age difference is one of the problems here.

Not to say 10 yrs. age diff. is a big deal, particularly when the couple is in their 30s and 40s, but early 20-something women are so ambivalent.

They have so many opportunities with guys hitting on them.

We shy guys really don't have much of a chance with them.

 

Learned that the hard way with women in my church when I was 25.

These women were still in college, but could never get second or third dates.

Banged my head against the wall too many times when I finally figured it'd be better to aim my sites toward women a little older than me, say 1-7 yrs.

Figured women in their 30s would be fearin' time was running out and would be more interested in a relationship, like me.

 

Date went exceptionally well (at least in my mind) and made plans for another a few days later. She said she had to work and asked for a postponement which was no biggie. Then no communication at all. I get that we just met each other and we don't really know each other but that's just rude! At least have the common decency to say you're no longer interested.

Yup. Rude.

Happened to me too of course.

Gals - if you're not interested, don't pretend you are during the date and give the guy the impression things are going well. Have the decency to tell us you don't see it going anywhere.

We'd tell you the same if we didn't see it leading anywhere.

Really, it wouldn't hurt our feelings (if you're trying not to hurt us). We're big boys now and can take the truth.

 

I too had my hopes up and it was a good feeling at the time. I tried contacting for a week then left it alone. I figure her action (or non-action) was more reflective of her true self and that would certainly not be a trait that I would be looking for in a mate. Still sucked though.

 

Had what I thought was one of my best dates ever.

Everything went well. Said all the right things, remained calm, cool and confident and we shared some laughs.

But getting her attention later.... that was another story.

 

The only advice I would have is to have a thicker skin if you're going to be in the dating game... At least during the first few dates. Not everyone is so open and honest especially in the beginning. Sometimes it gets disheartening but when the right one comes along, it'll be worth it. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

 

Just keep pushin' and movin' along.

So this one's not interested. No biggie. There'll be others. Count on it.

 

Again, another similarity, as the young woman I dated was best friends with a friend of mine's wife.

Do not worry about your paths crossing again, as I have crossed path numerous times with the young woman in question.

I am just civil, and just try to put forth the most positive image I can muster.

That's the way to do it.

Move on to the next one.

 

I guess deep down I feel I present myself well enough she will kick herself for losing such a "catch." I am sure you could benefit from that same mindset.

 

Someday, she may see her error and have regrets.

She may also realize what a good guy you'd have been compared to the jerks and players she focused on.

 

She may be getting out of a relationship or may experience other "issues" which may not have anything personally to do with you.

We don't know any of that about her at the time, but please don't take such rejection personally.

 

Always tried to think of it as their loss, not some shortcoming on my part which is too easy to do.

 

When you encounter her again, try to employ the "no contact" and "non-chalance" techniques written about on ENA. Though you two never were a "couple," you need to keep your emotions strong and not appear to be shaken by her presence.

If you see her, keep the conversation brief and tell her you have to be somewhere, even if you don't.

Add some "mystery" and don't be "so available" to the other. Looks better that way and you look stronger.

[The_Seeker]

If you ask me, the age difference is one of the problems here.

Not to say 10 yrs. age diff. is a big deal, particularly when the couple is in their 30s and 40s, but early 20-something women are so ambivalent.

They have so many opportunities with guys hitting on them.

We shy guys really don't have much of a chance with them.

 

Learned that the hard way with women in my church when I was 25.

These women were still in college, but could never get second or third dates.

Banged my head against the wall too many times when I finally figured it'd be better to aim my sites toward women a little older than me, say 1-7 yrs.

Figured women in their 30s would be fearin' time was running out and would be more interested in a relationship, like me.

 

Now now, Mr.ClarenceRutherford, there are exceptions.

 

OP, I was 23 when my current ex was 33. So there was 10 years age difference.

 

The girl you dated was immature like my current ex [silent treatment, delay of text communication, inconsistency].

 

As you can tell, it depends the maturity level on how they handle things, and communicate and if they are interested for who you are or just looking for a hangout.

 

I hope this gives you a perspective that not every young woman in her 20's are like your date.

 

I'm 24 now but I don't act like that. So there's an exception about young people.