Why do they always try to pull you back when you pull away?

[Clarabelle]

I asked my husband of 5.5. years to leave in April because we were fighting a lot, even in front of our 3 year old daughter, which was scaring her. I had hoped that a separation would allow us to work out our differences and remain a family. He found another girlfriend and moved in with her. After months of trying everything - asking him to come back, doing NC, starting to have sex again, being friends - I realized that I will probably never see the side of my husband that I fell in love with again. I realized that I deserved to be treated with love and respect, and that this person had given me nothing but the run-around and unhappiness, telling me he still loves me and making no move to leave his girlfriend. I really wanted to stay a family and have him be a part of my daughter's life, but what he has to offer her is so limited and sporadic that I think that we (my daughter and I) would be better off without him. The final straw was when he once again threatened to stop spending time with her so that he could work more. Rather than re-act, I said calmly, go ahead and work more. He apologized the next day and today he was full of upbeat bubbly messages about coming over tonight and taking me to the Motorcycle Diaries, but I just couldn't respond, just for thinking: when is he going to vent on me again? why does he keep pulling me back when he makes no move to leave his girlfriend? He just called me, full of anger, wanting to know why I hadn't returned his calls. I said "First of all, I'm working. Second of all, we shouldn't be having this conversation. We're not together anymore. You have your own life and I have mine and sometimes I'm not going to be available. I told that I was willing to go see a counselor with you to work things out, but you never responded, so I have to move on." He said "Oh, so that's it? You can be so nice one day and today you're going to be mean because of that? I'll leave the money that I owe you at your house and some money for a babysitter if you want to go out." I simply responded okay and hung up. This guy is a jerk. I can't believe he would do this to his own daughter who he hasn't seen now for two days. But I'm so tired of waiting in this limbo and being seduced by his manipulations and empty promises. My work is going really well. I have great friends. I just need to find a great companion who loves and respects me and will treat my little girl with kindness. I don't need this guy.

[Clarabelle]

Since last week, no more Ms. Nice Girl. I've been much more firm about limits and schedules with our daughter. It works when you lay down the law and let them know there's not other way.

 

The other day my husband showed up 2 hours late to be with our daughter. I said, forget about it. If you can't keep your scheduled time, you miss out. I hadn't wanted to do that, because I don't want to keep her from her father, but the quality and quantity of the time he gives her is so low.

 

During this whole sepration since April he's never come to spend a whole day with her, just an hour here, an hour there. Plus my husband would show up, fall asleep, talk on the telephone, do everything but focus on her during the time he is supposed to be with her.

 

He was angry when I told him no yesterday but guess what? He showed up today to take her to breakfast and then took her out to play. it's now 1 pm.

 

On Friday I am seeing a lawyer to draft the separation agreement.

 

Part of me would like to keep my marriage and family together, but I'm very clear that if I'm not vigilant, my husband will take advantage and I'll be left begging for his scraps of attention for our daughter. NO MORE. It's not good for me and it's not good for her.

 

My husband has this idea that somehow living away from home with another woman, with no real day to day responsibilities to his daughter will somehow help the situation get better and help our marriage! A friend pointed out that once I stop reacting to his relationship with her, it will have much less attraction for him.

 

Anyway, I hope that he enjoys spending time with our daughter today and that it wakes him up to the reality that responsibility to ones children is not something to flee, but something to cherish and enjoy - for his and for our daughter's benefit.

 

I am looking for stability, security, and simplicity. The less I have to argue with him right now about schedules and money, the better. I think the separation agreement (which he resists) will help. Rules and consequences, which he complains about, nonetheless really seem to work with him. I just don't want to be taken for granted, or left hanging, when it comes to child care and support. I'm also going thru some medical/health stuff right now and the last thing I need is more stress.

[Clarabelle]

I've been using my posts as a sounding board and it keeps me from unloading on my ex. I keep remembering all the bad things that have happened these past few years.

 

I made it easy for my husband to have his cake and eat it too during this separation, and the result was that our drama and issues continued, and healing could not take place. I was invested in preserving my marriage and making sure that my daughter could have a relationship with him. But as I noted earlier, the amount and the quality of what he had to offer her was erratic. It was making me a wreck, not knowing when and for how long he was going to show up, and swallowing my feelings of anger and resentment, because I wanted him to come back.

 

I asked him from the beginning for no contact, that it wasn't realistic to try to be friends right away, but he was very persistent about staying in my life. And those of you with kids know it's even tougher to do no contact.

 

He has not let go of me - by continuing to be in my life, coming over for dinner, taking advantage of my willingness to accommodate him, pursuing me sexually, continuing to call me to tell me that I'm the only one he loves, and that everything else is just "an adventure". I finally called him on it - I said if you love me, then give me proof that you are committed to me, our marriage, our daughter, by leaving your girlfriend and going into counseling. He said he wasn't ready.

 

A wise friend pointed out that he uses the girlfriend to make me feel insecure and to "stir the pot" so to speak. She said as soon as I take myself out of that equation, that relationship will lose a lot of its appeal for him.

 

I'm not interested in getting him back anymore. I'm only interested in him focussing on being a good, committed and consistent dad. I decided I would only talk to him about things that relate to our daughter. Unfortunately, we have a sizable debt that we wracked up together, so I have to have some contact with him over finances.

 

I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer on Thursday to create a legal separation agreement which will make these financial/childcare issues easier to deal with.

 

Most importantly, I feel like the quality of my life went down when I was with him, and it - the shine, the light - is beginning to come back.