Advice on my “Fleetwood Mac” situation?

[Heartagram]

Lately I've found some degree of comfort in reading this message board and felt that it might help even more to hash out my own situation. Sooo…if you will…some advice would help me out a lot.

 

About two years ago, I joined a metal band with some old friends. About 6 months into it my guitarist and I started going out. It was very romantic and a very close relationship. There were hard moments, but no major arguments or tiffs.

 

During this time, he was also filming an independent movie, which I helped out with. It was not easy finding time for each other but being in the band and working on the movie together made it possible. We managed to see each other for regular dates as well at least once a week. We'd talk every day.

 

Then at the beginning of the summer this year, things started going somewhat south for him. His brother was a drug addict that he and his mother had to get evicted from the house, he got a job promotion that started wearing on him, and the movie was no where near finished – leaving him in $15,000 debt. The band was functioning well, oddly enough. But everything else in his life started going down. My life too, got harder…my parents decided to sell their house because of financial difficulties and made plans to move out to another state. I felt I had too much to lose here if I left with them, so I moved out with a roommate. I started to feel depressed about this, since I felt at 21 that this was too much to digest with finishing school this term and trying to attain my goals.

 

One night about five weeks ago when he was over, I got into an emotional state where I started to cry because I was depressed. We hadn't spoken in three days because he was very busy and that made me upset because it wasn't the first time it happened (even a minute on the phone for me would've been enough). During this situation, I said that I felt I needed to impress him to get his attention sometimes, which probably wasn't the best thing to say, but was what I was feeling at the time.

 

I calmed down after he said something along the lines of "Well maybe we can't do this anymore" and we seemed to patch things up. We talked on the phone for the next couple of days just fine until the fourth day, we go out and he dumps me, saying he doesn't have time for a relationship and he isn't giving me what I need right now. I asked him if we'd ever have another a chance, and he said "I don't know, I can't tell you these things." I couldn't accept the situation, so I cried, begged and pleaded for a good week and a half. We had practices and shows in that week after the breakup where I had to feign some composure, but even then I broke down at points.

 

I kept asking him why, his story became defensive and started getting colder. He said he loved me, but not as much as he could or I did for him at the moment. He said that I should move on, even though he wouldn't feel good seeing me with someone else. At one point, he called me when he got word that I wanted to hear from him, yelling at me saying it's over and there will never be another chance. He never yelled at me before. I figured he said that to get me to stop thinking about him, so I did and started some degree of no contact.

 

It's hard because about a week later we had to talk about band stuff. We've had to talk at least once a week since then. The calls are short, and sometimes snippy. There are good moments but they are fleeting. Once he "slipped" and called me a pet name, and the other day he cut himself off when saying "I miss you" to say something else. He still asks how I am through friends.

 

I miss him terribly, and have all the classic depression symptoms: lethargy, semi-obsessive thoughts, that "dull weight" on the chest, etc. This is the man I thought would be "the one." I'm dying every day…I still love him and think about him constantly. I want to get back with him, but have no idea how to go about this because strict no-contact is not really an option. We haven't seen each other in person for about a month now, so on Wednesday when we have our first practice back, I am not sure how I am going to handle it.

 

There is a lot more to the story…but some initial takes from you all would be much appreciated. I really need to sort my head out…

 

[PDXGirl21]

Hey-

Sorry to hear about all you're going through... life just loves to kick you when you're down, eh? I was just wondering about your band. Is this a band that you are absolutely, 100%, unquestionably committed to? Is there any possibility of starting your own band or joining another? I only ask because I definitely think it's going to be much harder on you than it needs to be when you put yourself in a situation where you have to see this guy regularly. If anything... it might be in your best interest to at least take a break for a little while and let yourself breathe a bit. I don't think it's impossible to co-exsist with a recent ex, but it is definitely much harder than it would be if you had some no-contact time. I've been in bands and I know it's a rough dynamic as it is... I can only imagine how much harder it would be in your situation. Again though... it's not impossible... (as you mentioned- Fleetwood Mac)

[Heartagram]

This is a band I'm fully committed to, for the fact that we spent so much time building it up and getting it to a point where we can "take it to the next level."

 

I feel if we back out now that I'd be betraying my mates, our friends and "fans" and myself most importantly. I THINK I can handle this...

 

The only thing is that I really want to work things out with him, because I truly do love him. I don't know what to do. I want to become friends again at least but even that is proving hard because of all the pushing I did...ugh.........

[Mun]

Hello Heartgram,

What kind of music do you play? Do you play local clubs? PM with this info.

 

It sounds like things got to be too much for him. You say you have to see him because of the band thing, well I recommend you limit your contact with him outside of practice-- don't have anything to do with him that is not absolutely necessary to the band. Be polite with him when you see him-but don't go out of your way or treat him any more than just a platonic friend. ( try your best)

 

Also, do not have anything to do with his friends. Nix the friends, if they come around just be nice but don't talk to them too much and don't ask for him.

 

You said: I kept asking him why, his story became defensive and started getting colder. He said he loved me,

 

I think .. if you don't call him then you won't be tempted to ask him anything. The more you ask the more he becomes defensive--probably because HE doesn't even know why--he just feels like he should ( break up ). He had told you he loved you, and he has since said he misses you. I think you should just back off and let him figure this one out on his own.

 

I'm sure you have alot of things to keep you busy. You mentioned school. Keep yourself occupied--I know it will be hard, but you don't have any other choice.

 

Be strong, you will get through this.

[Heartagram]

Thanks for the perspective muneca...I learned the hard way not to talk to his friends because all it does is let me know what he's doing that I'm not a part of (some friend, though not totally trustworthy because he sounded like he was just trying to rile me up, said something about a group picnic that got me upset). So yes, all I will be doing is talking to him in the context of business. It's really hard though, knowing how confused we both are and having that "mothering" tendency to want to fix everything.

 

There are some days I'm really angry and some I'm sad. It's emotionally exhausting. I have been keeping busy with school and work and hanging out with friends, but my mind's always elsewhere. Sucks...