Help on how to deal with upcoming social event

[thousandyear]

Hi everyone,

 

This weekend one of my good friends planned a get-together... originally I thought it would be just a few of my close female friends who all know about the end of my engagement and the pain that I have been going through over the past year. However, it looks like one of the friends, who is not the organizer, decided to invite a whole bunch of other not-so-close friends from our postgrad class who we haven't seen for quite sometime and also their spouse, making this into a semi reunion. Amongst these people is a friend who my ex did not really like (they knew each other a long time ago before we started dating and he had made comments about how she is so selfish, nosy, etc... I'm not sure exactly what happened between them... of course I did not know this classmate well enough to verify if this is true) and when I was in the relationship with him, I basically lost touch with her... and likely she harboured the same feeling towards me as she did for my ex. Now she is happily married with newborn baby. I'm not sure how to face her and other old classmates... because I still haven't fully gotten over the pain and am still going through acceptance that the relationship has finally ended. I'm sure people will ask about my relationship, some may even be shocked to hear that we ended, for everyone assumed that we were going to get married, for we actually dated the longest amongst all these friends who are now married and some with kids. I will be the only one who is single at this event.

 

During the weekdays when I am at work, I feel the best, for I work with sick people on a daily basis and it gives me a wonderful opportunity to share my love to those who actually need and appreciate it now that I have lost my significant other. On weekends where I am busy with or with my close friends, it's not too bad, it's these social events with acquintances/not-so-close friends/old classmates that makes it most difficult. Whereas everyone else is talking about their family, their new babies, etc... the only thing I can talk about is my work, for my personal life is a very painful topic... but it's not avoidable... whether I get responses of shock/pity/support from those who are not my closest friends is irrelevant... it's simply the thought of having to bring this up and share it with everyone when I haven't even fully dealt with the pain that is most frightening and sad... how can I gain the strength to pull myself through? I don't want to break out in tears at the mini-reunion, especially when everyone else is so happy or at least not so sad, I think I will probably be able to pretend to be strong and make it through alright, but fear that the second I get into my car after the event that I will start tearing.

 

Similarly at work, some distant colleagues have jokingly said things like "I haven't seen you and together for awhile, you guys are still together, right?"... and because I don't think that well and didn't feel like sharing all the details, and I was still in a "false hope" stages back then when my ex was giving me false hints of possible reconciliation by keeping in touch and saying things such as "if I had one day left I would want to spend it with you" on his birthday even though he had ended the engagement.

 

I guess this is an unavoidable thing to face... that I have to let people know the truth... but how can I gain the strength? I guess by not telling people about it, I am still in denial... and letting people know gives me a sense of finality of the situation and I didn't want to let go, even though he has already let go... It's 1 year now since all this very slow dragged out break-up happened... it's time that I should let everyone know, but it's so painful.

[Natasha24]

I was in a similar situation about a week ago.

I suggest not talking about it. If someone mentions your relationship, try to move the conversation somewhere else. Talk about your job or your pets or steer the conversation back to themselves (people LOVE to talk about themselves!) It will be awkward at first, but people will get the idea. If someone badgers you about it, they will look like an idiot infront of everyone else and you don't need to worry about them.

 

(One woman at my sister's birthday party last week asked me why I wasn't wearing my engagement ring. I explained to her that I forgot to put it on, and she questioned me for 5 minutes before I politely left the room. Some people just don't get it)

 

If you feel yourself getting upset, just go for a quick walk or go to your car for a few minutes. Talk to the party "host" beforehand, let them know you're nervous, and that you may need to take a break from the event. I'm sure they will understand.

[thousandyear]

Thanks! I am afraid this classmate whom my ex had not gotten along with and I ended up losing touch with while my ex and I were together for 5 years will ask, for she has always been the very curious type and especially given that my ex will not be there, she will definitely want to know why. I will try to focus on her happy married life and new baby... but if she pushes, or if someone else tells her and then she questions further, would it seem really stranger if I just excused myself?

[abitbroken]

Thanks! I am afraid this classmate whom my ex had not gotten along with and I ended up losing touch with while my ex and I were together for 5 years will ask, for she has always been the very curious type and especially given that my ex will not be there, she will definitely want to know why. I will try to focus on her happy married life and new baby... but if she pushes, or if someone else tells her and then she questions further, would it seem really stranger if I just excused myself?

 

if she asks, simply say "we are no longer together" and leave it at that. If she pushes say "I don't really want to talk about it now. maybe another time."

But sometimes when an engagement is broken, word gets around and perhaps there will be no need to tell her and she will just tell you she is sorry to hear it.

[Natasha24]

Thanks! I am afraid this classmate whom my ex had not gotten along with and I ended up losing touch with while my ex and I were together for 5 years will ask, for she has always been the very curious type and especially given that my ex will not be there, she will definitely want to know why. I will try to focus on her happy married life and new baby... but if she pushes, or if someone else tells her and then she questions further, would it seem really stranger if I just excused myself?

 

It's not strange at all. If she keeps pressing, just say "You know, I'm feeling a headache coming on, I think I'm gonna take a quick walk outside". She will get the picture, and if she doesn't, someone else will and explain it to her in your absence.

[thousandyear]

Thanks for everyone's suggestions and support!! I am just going to focus on finding about everyone else's happy lives, the social gathering is not for me to pity myself or to vent (that's for the select few close friends who genuinely care)... I cannot ruin the party for my old classmates and their families... so must stay strong and happy and will utilize the strategies that you have suggested... I think going in with a plan of how to handle these difficult situation will likely help to mentally prepare and prevent any emotional tears or awkward moments. Thanks so much! Wish me luck!

[thousandyear]

Just wanted to thank those who made such helpful suggestions! Made it through the social event without any emotional roller coaster... stuck with your suggestion of talking about work and everyone else's lives and family... it's so true how people simply love talking about their spouse and child during reunions!! However, when I got home I did feel this low as everyone else, even those who met their significant other much later than my ex and I, is married and some even have kids. The topics during these social gatherings now are mostly about their family, kids, house, etc... different stage in life... and I can't be help to think that I had all these plans with my ex a year ago when I accepted his proposal... and then he was ok with throwing everything we had away by choice, and I am left forced to pick up the pieces.

 

He had said that he was sorry to have given me false hope for about a year after he ended the engagement on his parents persuasion/ultimatum, sorry to have wasted my time, and that he ultimately believes he can find a girl who can love/care for him (cook, clean, take care of the kids) and please his parents (his parents do not think I love him enough, feels that I will not have time in the future to care for him and the kids, thinks that I am disrespectful, etc) instead of a girl like me who is in the same profession as him, who share many common interests and way of thinking... so I know even though he does not believe I love him enough, even though he feels that I am not good enough for him and his family... yet I still feel sad... isn't that so weird?? Seems like my rationale brain has not been able to control my aching heart...