Let's be realistic. It should be about US.

[slushie]

Like many of you, I am currently going through the stage of wanting my ex-girlfriend back. At this point though, I think it is becoming clear to me that I have to shift my focus. I hope to start a discussion about this, and get people's feedback.

 

A brief note about my situation if you haven't read previous posts: my ex-gf moved away this summer to a different city (only for the summer). A month before she came back she broke up with me. Before she left, things weren't great and we talked about it. I wasn't fully emotionally in the relationship and I was determined to changed that, but with her being away things didn't improve and she ended it. Now she is back. We have hung out a bunch, talk quite a bit and even slept together. However, she says she is "confused" and it is clear that she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me again.

 

What is also clear is the toll this is taking on me. I am consumed by the situation. It is constantly on my mind, and it is safe to say my life in general is affected negatively by it. I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my focus has to be on ME. Right now my energy is focused on getting her back, and this isn't healthy.

 

I'm sure many others are getting their hopes up because of mixed signals. Others are probably formulating plans on how to "win" their ex back. I know I have read many posts about how to get them back, all the time envisioning how it can happen. Bottom line, we need to focus on us.

 

I have read many people say that the way to win your ex back is to act confident and appear as though you are happy even without them. To act in a way that shows them that you have a zest for life even without them being their. Wouldn't it be great is this wasn't just an "act". That's what I know I have to work on.

 

How many of us have sleepless nights worrying that they had met someone else? Or overanalyzed a simple email or phone call? Or asked ourselves "what if". For me all of the above apply. I know this is an unhealthy thought process and I have to change my mindset.

 

It is very hard to realize that life can go on without her. But in reality, I was happy before I was with her. It eats me up to think of her with someone else, or realize that her feelings for me have changed, but that doesn't make me any less of a person. The fact remains that I have to stop trying to get her back and focus on building my confidence and leading a content life being single.

 

I think that there are so many of us focusing only on getting back with our exes that it makes it nearly impossible to move on and be happy. I myself know that it is hard, and although I write this with optimism, I will probably be "down and out" later on today. Bottom line, my focus and attitude must change. We all deserve to be happy, and that can easily happen without being attached.

 

I would love to hear feedback on this. Although I don't think it is wrong to hope to get back together with someone, it is not right to devote a lot of energy on it and it must be put at the very back of your mind in order to make the best of the situation.

[JohnnyTable]

If you think about your ex in bed with somebody else, then think about *yourself* in bed with somebody else. That seems to help some

[Zipp]

I agree with you Slushie. Immediately after my break up I spent a lot of time crying, moping and feeling sorry for myself. I had created my own little hell, complete with pictures and mementos. My eyes were puffy day after day. Then after listening to advice from someone that was in just as much pain as I was, I behaved as if I was happy when I wasn't, and yes it got my ex's attention but it was too hard holding onto that fake smile. I finally realized that I had to get myself together because if I didn't, who would? Over the next few weeks I started getting back into the things I used to enjoy before I let my pain consume me. It wasn't easy but it was definitely worth it. I think everyone should grieve after a break up, but at some point you have to say enough.

 

It's been a couple of months since my break up and I'm doing much better. Last week my ex sat me down and told me why he broke up with me and all of the things he had been going through. After hours of conversation he said the words that a month ago would have had me shouting on a rooftop, he asked if we could get back together. The most surprising part of my healing process was the fact that I learned that I would be fine with or without him. I know now that although I love him with all my heart, that my mate should compliment me not complete me. I want us to be a couple again, but I also want to take things slowly. There are somethings about myself that I want to change, and being alone has given me the necessary time to focus on those things. I have some growing to do and this break has given me the chance and motivation.

 

We want our partners to have all of these fantastic qualities, but we hardly ever ask ourselves, "What am I bringing to the table?" I want to make sure that once he and I get back together, that I do my part to make sure we stay together. Falling in love is easy, but staying there takes work, and you have to be willing to commit to it. I think that's what people mean when they say, "What happened to the person I fell in love with?" Sometimes people get comfortable and don't put forth the same effort that they used to, whether it's in appearance, activity, affection, etc.

 

My ex used our time apart to make some positive changes in his life and even if things don't work out between us, something good came of it. Like I said earlier I love him and want us back together, and by doing it this way, we'll have a better chance of making things work.

[slushie]

Zipp - good to hear you learned from the breakup. I must ask, before you recently met with your ex again, had your life gotten back to "normal". I really think it is a good idea to view a breakup as a growing experience, and that all the negative energy created must be shifted to something positive. Nonetheless, the idea is a good one, and I am wondering how your "battle" went.

 

Thanks!

[Zipp]

My situation is kind of different and a long story. But to answer your question, yes things had pretty much returned to normal, with me doing most of the things I used to do (hanging out with friends, family, dating, etc.). Like I said it definitely wasn't easy (dating sucked because I wasn't ready) but once I stopped trying to put on a show to win him back it got easier. I know that I don't have all the answers and don't necessarily always make the best choices, and just being able to admit that relieved a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself. Right now the toughest thing is for me not to rush forward but to just keep healing like I have been. I have spoken to him since my last post and we know we are getting back together, but by taking it slow it will be as emotionally healthier people.

 

I wasted the first few weeks (maybe a month) after the break up, feeling so sorry for myself. I would advise anyone going through a break up to skip that phase becasue when it's over you don't have anything to show for it. It's very important not to lose yourself in a relationship because if it ends, where does that leave you? This whole thing is a battle, and mine isn't over. I'm 29 and I thank God this isn't the finished product, I'm still growing as a person.

[slushie]

It really is a battle, but I think with a few good weapons it's one that we can conquer and come out of stronger.

[Silencer]

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I've been pretty torn up by it. It's hard to get a handle on my own life and be happy because I've been plagued by thoughts of her and wanting to be with her again.

 

I want to be happy though, I don't want to be this miserable thing that just goes from day to day waiting. I want to have a good time, to be confident in myself and to move along. I don't want to wait for her (especially as it's unrealistic we'll get back together).

 

But things happen. We had an argument a month or so ago and I said some harsh things, and I never thought I'd hear from her again. Recently I went out to a club with some friends and 'cause my mate is going out with one of her friends, she was getting a lift in the car with us. Most of the night she just ignored me and I ignored her. But before we got in the car for the journey back we talked a bit, it was raining and she was holding a coat over her head, she kept trying to get me to stand under it.

 

In the car we had another argument because she was sniping at me, and we both said some harsh things to each other. After that she tried talking to me, asking me questions about stuff in general. I ask her what she's been up to and one of the three things she recalled was the computing course she did, and made a point of saying how she saw me there (I was doing a course at the same place). Then she starts leaning on me slightly, I move my arm because it made me feel uncomfortable, and she made some jilted remark about it. The she decides she wants to use my shoulder to rest her head on.

 

The thing is I've been wondering for two weeks whether I missed a chance and whether any of those were signals. I've been wondering if she wants me back or she's just being slightly insensitive in her behaviour by not recognising what should be clearly established boundaries (she's never been one to really think through what she does or says, so I know she is capable of insensitivity).

 

But the last day or two I've realised that I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't be waiting for her like I am and analysing everything she said and did. I should just be getting on with life and making myself happy. So yes, we should be enjoying ourselves for our own benefit, not just to make someone think we're doing fine. I want to be at that point, I'm not yet, but I am working on me now rather than just waiting.

[shockeddismayed]

Slushie,

 

This is an excellent thread.

 

I'd like to add my two cents....

 

I think the BIGGEST reason why you MUST focus on yourself, is that if and when the EX is ready to try again, you will need every ounce of energy available to focus on being patient and grounded.

 

When you spend your energy on wishing or plotting or whatever in order to get them back, you are WASTING your patience and energy. And you are allowing them to hurt you again and again.

 

If you've been able to truly stop wasting your positive energy, there just might be a chance you get through the rocky "getting back together" process without allowing them to drag you into their confusion.

 

Rise above people... you know what you want in life and in a partner. Be empowered by it and don't let another person's confusion drag you down.

[slushie]

Silencer - I think you know what you have to do. Putting it in action is tough, but it must be done. You are still in a stage where you are not in control, and the situation is playing with your mind. It seems as though the contact you have had with your ex since the breakup hasn't been overly productive. The fact you have gotten into arguments probably signals that there is still unresolved tension between the two of you. I believe that if you commit to focusing on yourself, the rest of the pieces will fall into place.

[roxy79]

You know the oldie tune that goes..." they say that breaking up is hard to do...Now I know, I know that it's true..." THAT is the truth. My ex broke up with me in July. I was a WRECK for the entire month of July and most of August. Thank goodness I was living alone at the time. I think it's natural to go into a "break down" mode after a breakup. I had so many questions, why's,what ifs ,whens ,hows.... all that.

 

For ALL or most of September (and parts of August) I have been working on me. Right now, I'm working on me. I know I'm not perfect, although I claim to be. This breakup has been the greatest thing for me. I have learned so much about myself. Things that I never would have realized had I not been kicked to the curb.

 

What the future holds for my ex and myself, who knows. I still believe he is the one, but I know also that it isn't the right time either. I'm kinda excited about find the NEW ME and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in a relationship myself (which was my ex's reasons for our breakup). I'm kinda enjoying having ME be the focus of attention, instead of focusing on my ex. It's all about ME right now.

 

So I encourge everyone who just went through a break up, to just keep your chin up. I know it hurts now, gosh I know how it hurts. But the sun will rise and hopefully will catch your smile once again. It will take time. I thought for sure I had lost my smile but once I started realizing this should be about ME, I started to cheer up. Cause I like me and I missed me. So having ME back is a gift in itself. Best of luck to everyone out there.

[Silencer]

Silencer - I think you know what you have to do. Putting it in action is tough, but it must be done. You are still in a stage where you are not in control, and the situation is playing with your mind. It seems as though the contact you have had with your ex since the breakup hasn't been overly productive. The fact you have gotten into arguments probably signals that there is still unresolved tension between the two of you. I believe that if you commit to focusing on yourself, the rest of the pieces will fall into place.

 

I'd be more than happy to get to NC and to some extent I've had that since. As I said one of my friends (Let's say B) is going out with one of her friends (Let's say C). Now I like C, she's a nice person and we get along fine so I see no reason why I should avoid her as well and I don't want to make things awkward for B or C.

 

I was down the pub a week after the incident I described, with another friend (Let's say J), B couldn't come out because he was ill. However C turned up with a couple of her friends and sat with us. I had no idea the ex was going to show up because C said nothing to me about it, if she had I would have left beforehand. When she did turn up it just came down to us ignoring each other.

 

Y'see, I'm all for no contact, but I'm not going to forsake my social life to avoid her. I mean, why should I? For me that's denying myself my happiness because of her, and I'm not going to let that happen. The only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment is going out with my friends, every night at home in the week bores me senseless.

 

The only other problem is that sometimes I talk to C about the ex, and I get the impression whatever I say is reported back to the ex to some degree. When we had the argument the ex said some things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. I've decided to cut that.

 

------

 

EDIT: (Additional)

 

I've had an hour or so to think things through to myself, with more of a level-headed approach than usual. I honestly believe she doesn't want me back, she was slightly drunk when we had that argument, and the things she said and did were most likely just the result of her naïveté and insensitivity. I've also said some things to her that I wouldn't expect her to forgive me for. I could delude myself that her actions were some sign that she missed me and wanted me back, but ultimately I know her better than that.

 

She broke up with me once before for three weeks, because I visited her at uni and was kind of off-ish (I felt uncomfortable because I didn't have anything familiar apart from her around). But a few weeks later she came to visit me under the guise of bringing a CDr she made, we went out to a club had a few drinks and she started getting touchy-feely with me and we ended up kissing... and got back together. And it's mostly because of that that I've been fooling myself. I know that if she did want to get back with me she wouldn't come out and say it because that's not how she does things, she'd do something physical, so I've been grasping at the straws presented by her. Things like her leaning on me/using my shoulder to rest her head on, when I was talking to a friend and noticed her in the background staring at me over his shoulder.

 

I just feel a bit miffed. It's not like her to cross a boundary like she did, after the break up. We stayed friends at first, but I made the mistake of admitting how I felt after we met up in town. After that she's been very NC in her behaviour and quite strict in it, although I worked in the same place as her for two weeks and we had a couple of conversations (a couple of frosty ones, one which led to an argument, and one which was really really pleasant). But like I said, it's probably just the drink that made her act that way and lower her inhibitions. She's also never been one to apologise properly, she sort of gets all pally and gets close to make up for the things she does wrong (one of the things in the relationship that really got to me a couple of times).

 

Anyway. Now I just need to get on with me and me alone. I won't deny it's going to be hard, but that's just the reality of the situation. Sorry to have ranted so much, at such a great length, but it's been good to get it off my chest. Or shoulder.