Boyfriend and his ex now have one thing in common: the death of a loved one.

[PhoenixLament]

Ok, so I am in a bit of a tricky situation here and could use some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now. His younger brother died two months ago just shy of his 20th birthday. My boyfriend is 22, and being so close in age, he and his brother were like twins. The death of his brother has been very hard on both of us. His brother and I always got along really well and I felt like I could call him family as well. That being said, there are aspects of my boyfriend's loss which I cannot possibly understand because I have never lost an immediate family member.

 

I have done my best, so far, to be as supportive as possible. I went to the viewing, the funeral, the burial, and the wake. I went to the hospital when his mother had a seizure, and I have been a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I care about my boyfriend very much and he is one of the kindest people I know, but sometimes I am concerned that this kindness clouds his judgement.

 

Fast forward to a few days ago: My boyfriend's most recent ex girlfriend (who he broke up with just before we met) contacted him because her father died over the weekend. She wanted to talk and get some support from him since he can really relate to what she's going through right now. As the wonderful person that he is, he did not hesitate to offer her some perspective and comfort. The viewing was this past evening and the funeral is tomorrow morning. I knew my boyfriend would want to go and that it might be difficult for him to face another viewing so soon, so I offered to come with him. Truth be told, I wanted to go to support his ex girlfriend as well. I don't really like it when he talks to his exes, but this girl is also a very good person from what I've heard and I wanted to offer her my condolences. My boyfriend told me that he felt it was best if I didn't go, because it might make his ex uncomfortable to see me with him for the first time under such circumstances. I wasn't going to argue with him, because I felt I didn't have the right to insist on going to such a personal event (since I don't know the girl).

 

So my boyfriend went to the viewing tonight and the entire time I knew he was there, I felt so angry. I felt like he wanted to hide me away, so that his ex didn't have to face the fact that while he offered her support he is with actually dating someone else. This may be totally unreasonable and make me sound very childish, but it sort of felt like he chose his ex girlfriend over our relationship. I really do feel terrible for this girl, as I have seen firsthand how the loss of a family member can affect someone. I know that the viewing and funeral are for her benefit, not mine. However, I can't help feeling like there is still a boundary that is getting a little hazy. I don't want to ask my boyfriend not to have contact with his ex while they are both in such pain and can offer each other a kind of understanding and support that I cannot offer. But under different circumstances, I wouldn't have wanted him to have much contact with her at all. I feel incredibly uncomfortable with them talking again in such an intimate manner.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel so uncomfortable with it and wish they wouldn't talk to each other. But I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Am I being crazy and insecure or is there really a line that's getting hazy? If I'm just being insecure, how can I feel better about them comforting each other?

[PhoenixLament]

God, that post really makes me sound insensitive. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling..

[Circe]

God, that post really makes me sound insensitive. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling..

 

No, I sympathise.

 

That said, I don't think he chose her over your relationship and I don't think he's trying to hide you away. As a good, considerate person he simply doesn't want to put her through any more pain/discomfort when her dad's just died and it's his funeral. That was the right call on his part.

 

It's true they both have a thing in common: lost loved one - but it's not true that they need each other to get over their loss. I think it's fair to let your boyfriend know at some point that while you feel terribly for her loss, you are uncomfortable about her leaning on your boyfriend to support her through this. One phone call and asking him to the funeral is one thing - but expecting him to be a constant source of support for her when she is his ex and he has moved on now to a girlfriend who has been very supportive towards him through the loss of his brother - just isn't appropriate. Especially not when it makes his girlfriend feel uncomfortable.

 

Then it's up to him to gently let her know that he can't be her shoulder to lean on through this.

[charity]

of course he wasn't going to bring you along. that would have being totally weird for her. not because you are his girlfriend but because you are a stranger to her. if his best friend had offered to come he would have said the same thing. no doubt she will be cut up and emotional and this is something she can share with your bf but not if someone else is there. so i wouldnt worry about that at all. he did not choose her over your relationship.

 

ok so your a bit insecure and maybe lack a little trust in your man? for now you have nothing to worry about. if this continues and you see anything getting shady, then my answer will be different. but you can't stop him from doing something like this.

 

at it this way. everytime something like this happens in your relationship you are being given a wonderful opportunity to see if your man is trustworthy and worthy of your love. likewise your man is being given the opportunity to show his honesty and boundaries and also to see how supporitve (or not) his girlfriend is!.

[mrswizzygog]

In my opoinion she shouldnt expect him to be her shoulder, she gave up that right when they finished if she wants advice dont tell me there isnt family she could go to or a friend. He obviously didnt give the impression to her that you are a close couple or he would have taken you with him as support to the funeral. Be careful that this isnt a way of rekindling thier romance be it on her part or his es[pecially when emotions are so raw. You have shown him great support in his problems he should give you a little more thought. You deserve it.

[charity]

He obviously didnt give the impression to her that you are a close couple or he would have taken you with him as support to the funeral.

 

 

that is a very unfair statement. he does not have to PROVE his closeness to his girlfriend by bringing her along to a funeral of someone she has no connection with especially when he knows he will be having chats with the ex and offering her some support as someone who has just gone through what she is going through. healthy boundaries are important in relationships. it is healthy to meet up with an ex for a good reason, be honest with your girlfriend and use good judgement when dealing with ex ie no flirtation, loyalty to girlfriend etc.

bringing gf along just to prove 'hey i have a girlfriend so don't get any ideas' is completely unnecessary and rather unhealthy

 

i think its up to the OP whether this guy has shown that he is trustworthy in the past? if he has, whats the problem?. if he hasn't then that in itself IS the problem.

[PhoenixLament]

I really did not expect him to bring me to the funeral to essentially show everyone that we're together, as I agree..that would have been completely inappropriate. Perhaps I worded the part poorly where I said it feels like he's choosing her over our relationship. The big deal isn't that they're speaking or that he went to the funeral without me. What makes me uncomfortable is that she may want to continue contact as a means of support. I really don't feel that that is appropriate anymore. If they had remained friends after their breakup, it might be a different story. I just don't feel like it's ok the expect the kind of intimate support you used to get from an ex who you wouldn't speak to otherwise.

 

It's true that I am insecure, which I'm trying to work on. I just don't always know what constitutes crossing a line and what is me being silly.

 

In regard to the comment that he shouldn't have brought me because his ex doesn't know me, I tend to disagree with that. When we were at his brother's funeral, there were plenty of people there who did not know the family, but were there to support other people paying their respects. The main reason I wanted to go was because I knew that going to such an emotional event so soon after his own experience was going to be hard on him. His main reason for going was that when he was at his brother's funeral, he appreciated any and all support that was shown for himself and his family. I honestly don't think it would have made her that uncomfortable to see me, but that wasn't my call, so I did not go.

 

For anyone who does think that I'm being not being supportive, don't worry, I haven't even mentioned any of this to him. I came on here so I could sort it out without putting that pressure on him. So thank you for the feedback everyone! And thank you Circe for speaking honestly but still being supportive. I agree that there is nothing wrong with her wanting initial contact with someone who she once cared for who can offer her real advice. I just don't want any boundaries to accidentally get crossed. We'll see what happens though. He's a good guy, so I'm sure it'll be fine. I just had a moment.