The best shot you have at getting them back

[Mix Maxster]

OK so I'd like to begin by saying that I do not wish to offend any of the people out there giving advice as it's very thoughtful and generous of you to be giving your time to help others.

 

Now to move on to my point, I guess the way I see it... the true form of this forum is really "moving on" instead of "getting back together". I may have turned some heads at this point as I find it to be true. I don't want to beat other people up as that's not my goal in all of this, I want people to be aware of their situations and what they're really doing to take control and to actually see what's working for them.

 

Ask yourself, is crying yourself to bed at night making it better? Is it causing them to come back? Do you feel there were any things that caused you to split? IF you feel there are things that caused you to split, then perhaps that should be your focus to improve. If you're not wanting to do something to get them back, then don't post in here saying you want them back because without doing something it's as good as nothing. I know it's harsh, but the real reality is that they didn't decide over night "Well that was fun I'll be leaving now." it was more like "Man I hate when they do ___" over periods of time to the point where it was like "Ya that's great there honey" to thinking (god I want to kill them) lol. I think you get the point with that.

 

So before everyone starts getting defensive and perhaps suggesting that it's a little easy to say it's the dumpees fault or that it isn't fair to put the blame on yourself, then you're right about that. It wasn't our choice that they left us and if we had it our way we would have done something to prevent it from happening. But that's when you need to ask yourself if doing certain things really got you anywhere, such as pleading, begging, crying, love note writing, convincing and any other thing you can possible think of that says "I'm obviously not enough on my own, I have to use manipulation to get you to come back." and that's EXACTLY what they see when you do any of those things. You write an e-mail saying "Don't do this, this isn't like you...." or "Why are you hurting me?" or "I hate you" it'll be obvious that you either get an angry ex responding or NO RESPONSE AT ALL.

 

Have any of you had that problem? Tried doing something you felt was legitimate, nice, caring and showed how much you cared while trying to convince them that they made a mistake or are making a mistake in leaving? It's that kind of behaviour in itself that causes them to leave you in the first place. So get a hold of yourself, slap yourself in the face if you need to control your emotions because that's what is KILLING YOUR CHANCES of getting them back.

 

Things you need to do to get them back: Be supportive without actually saying anything to them, don't analyze what they're doing (assume nothing and don't CARE TO THINK ABOUT IT) because what you think is going on may not even be that at all, don't send them ANYTHING which suggests you want them to have second thoughts or that you're hurting, they do not need to know that and doing any of that looks weak. Other things you shouldn't do is ask them questions about why they're acting a certain way or why they're not talking to you, pretend it doesn't bug you or go out of your way to act like it isn't happening, sure that may be considered denial but that way you're not freaking out and sending the wrong signals out.

 

More things to do to get them back: try REDUCED CONTACT!!! NOT NO CONTACT!!!!! Why? Because being able to talk to them every now and then while CONTROLLING YOURSELF shows A LOT OF THINGS: If you all of a sudden stop NC the ex can see it as one of two things either a) manipulation on your part to somehow mess with their minds or b) something they did to pisss you off and as such they're afraid to talk to you about it... that's why if b) happens that if you decide to talk to them and be nervous in a way that suggests you're playing a game with them then they're on to your game. Another good reason why reduced contact works better than NC, it gives you the chance to try out being confident and give the appearance (even if you are feeling it) that you're moving on. Now it's not a game per se, but you have to recognize that in order for things to work properly, the ex has to believe that you're not a threat to them and that you're also desirable. Reduced contact shows them the confidence you have in yourself NOT to get emotional if she or he says something that would give you a stir of emotions, control those as that's your enemy. IF you can be on the phone and control it: ie.) not bring up relationship talk, not ask questions as to why they left you etc, not make it seem like you're super eager to hear from them and upset when they have to leave, you need to try and be the one to end it first as you are the one who is really busy now. They have to get a sense that perhaps your life isn't so bad without them, now this triggers perhaps a mentality that "Good, maybe they're being able to be happy without me, now that I can tell they can live a life without me without getting emotional or upset I can really feel that they won't end up being desperate or clingy."

 

So that's most of the things you need to recognize, if you need motivation on the subject just remind yourself of these things "Did ANY OF THE THINGS you've already done and tried work? Did anything you did work? How did you two fall in love the first time? If you went out of your way to please them that's manipulation so you can't say you don't want to use that to get them back... it's how you won them the first time."

 

Some final thoughts to go by to make you that much closer to getting them back. It's about the entire package that you now represent. Many of you may just move on and be happy with that, I on the other hand have not given up on it at all and in fact I'm so confident I'll get her back that I'm willing to do this for as long as it takes. So for those who want to get their ex back PLEASE be reasonable, don't go after ex's who were abusive in any way. If you feel that the relationship was TRULY WORTH SAVING after going over it then PLEASE try to actively stay positive in getting them back. Work hard at it as it shouldn't come easy and also try to be reasonable about it in the sense that if you were so perfect they wouldn't have left you, get real with that ok? Another thing is to focus on you, get a new hair cut, style, a positive attitude on life or WHATEVER it takes you to start feeling good about yourself. Allowing yourself to feel happy NOT HAVING to rely on your ex for emotional fulfillment. YOu also need ot be able to HANDLE yourself around them, no getting jealous, no displaying emotions, no getting upset, no getting mad, no arguments, no nothing which turns them off... you all really need to be on top of your game. IF you can remain on the side where you can have contact, then you're in a PRIME situation to squeeze yourself back into their life. I know I've been having some success and it's not going to end there, I'm going to be more man than my ex can handle WHILE NOT FLAUNTING IT. KEY THING DO NOT GIVE THEM THE IMPRESSION SOMETHING IS UP. If they think you're playing a game, it's game over. They cannot be on to you in ANY way, they need to keep guessing so that it sparks their interest.

 

With all of that said I hope it helps somewhat, I apologize if it's sloppy and perhaps rushed, but I'm still tired and I like getting the general idea out so that people may come to me to ask of my help. Just remember what I've said and if you need further explanations or help, let me know. I have faith a lot of us could get back with our exes if we stick to our hearts and work hard at doing so.

 

I almost forgot to add that really I think this is one of the last steps in loving someone. Proving to them how much you really understand and truly care for them. If you can actively do something like this and show them how much you mean to them while not freaking them out, it does wonders. I feel that if you can successfully do this, that your ex wouldn't want to leave you again. Think of how much of an impression it would make on them, the only problem is they could never know through you telling them. They'd figure it out on their own I'm sure. When you put it into a game you lose, obviously if you take the time to really listen to your ex and see what you need to do it shows how much you truly love them. That's what I think anyways, you're all free to tell me differently.

 

Max

[RayF]

Why does everyone automatically assume being positive, friendly and in the life of their ex will make them wanty ou back?

 

I mean, i suppose it's possible but many don't concider the fact that all it may do is give them comfort.

 

They have their cake and eat it too, get to have you in their life so they don't have to miss you, while they enjoy the single life.

 

Just like they got comfortable in the relationship don't you think they'll get comfortable with the friendship? and fear anything more ever happening agian because it didn't work out in the first place?

 

Especially girls, girls are theworst for that.

[jnelson]

Being negative and unfriendly certainly won't do it...I guess that is why people say that....

 

The fact that it is giving them comfort is exactly what you want to an extent...you want to create as many positive moments you can with the person....this will help eliminate any negative experiences in the past...

 

No one is saying you have to put your life on hold and cater to them....If you follow the advice and at the same time, do your own thing (improve yourself, meet other women etc.) this could very well help in getting your ex back....

[Mun]

I can't believe I read this. It was good. I don't usually read long posts (sorry )

 

I think a key is to keep you emotions under control. You want to be in control of yourself and as relaxed as possible. If you have the opportunity to see your ex again then you should be friendly--like you were at the beginning--without expectations. Just concentrate on having fun. You may be surprised, and so might they.

 

NC is really necessary at times because there are people who have been obsessed or clingy after a break up--I have--and NC helped to get a hold of myself. Only after this could I move on with my life.

 

I think a little contact is good as long as you see progress, if you are calling and your ex is not responding, then maybe it's time to give up. No sense in trying to hold on to someone who wants to fly.

 

Just my opinion.

[Mix Maxster]

RayF wrote: Why does everyone automatically assume being positive, friendly and in the life of their ex will make them want you back?

 

 

Great question and RayF you make a GREAT point which I feel I must adress to make things clearer for those of you who ask yourselves this. Why be their friend? Because not being their friend makes them feel worse about it even though they'll accept the fact that you can't be their friend, it'll hurt them because they'll see that you are too hurt to be able to be around them afterwards. That would suck for anyone, trust me they know the effects of being close to someone and then no longer being close even if they won't admit it.

 

The point I try to get at is that if you look at what you should do as NOT being their friend, NOT being there for them and NOT talking to them in some way that it will make sure they will NOT be able to "get away with what they did" or be able to feel the seperation, then I feel that's the wrong way to go at it because what if they DID come back after you didn't talk to them, weren't their friend and weren't there for them? Does that not mean then that they can just get used to that relationship and leave again? What's stopping them from doing it again? So then what? Are we to do nothing? there's no point, no doing anything, you can't do anything and it's as simple as that? Or maybe most of us can't see anything that would actually work so we all get frustrated and give up. Sure it makes it easier for them but think about it, if they end up becoming your friend either you didn't make enough moves or there was nothing you could have done ANYWAYS.

 

I guess the way I see it, is that your best chance at going at it is to be their friend, show your strength, become more desirable and if you end up as someone they regret leaving, then they might try to get back together with you. Why would anyone become friends with their ex? Especially if the dumpee tried to be their friend again? What do you think the ex would be thinking if they saw you were trying to be their friend? Or if you waited like a month or two and said "hey we should get together" don't you think they're going to say "I wonder why" to themselves?

 

And Muneca you are right with what you said too, but the point is that you can't hope for them to respond and you can't hope anything will come out of it. You can't expect anything to come out of it and you contact them because you have no reason not to, you don't care if they don't respond because you're not counting on them to fulfill your emotional needs. You have your own life to run and you may be dating other people, so what? Althought some people may argue the fact that if you become their friend that you will only become just their friend, but that's ONLY if you allow yourself to be controlled by them, if you allow yourself to be whipped into shape and MOST IMPORTANTLY if you think that BEING THEIR FRIEND WILL SOMEHOW get you two back together. That's not the reality, these are just things to HELP you out and give you a greater chance.

 

You can't lie to your ex and that's why reduced contact leaves them wondering what you're up to and it makes it easier for you as you don't have to say much lol. You can get your life in gear, make new friends or do whatever without your ex really knowing what's up. Then if you slowly make your way back into their life they may either be surprised at who you have become, happy for you or may begin to question things down the road. Especially if you're a fun great guy to hang around and her present bf just failed school and is now working a part time job, while living in his parents basement. Make yourself more desirable to not just this ex but EVERYONE so that EVERYONE wants a piece of you, if your ex doesn't hop on the ride then who cares! YOU have others waiting but hey let's get real for a second, if you really love this ex then ALL THE POWER to you to do this while hoping they come back. And one of the major reasons why I wish we could act around our exes like we have truly moved on without ever wanting them back is because that's how you end up NOT getting trapped by their tests. If you call them tests.

 

If that makes sense everyone? It can be difficult to explain but really if you can stay in control of your emotions, your self-image, your appearance, your behaviours and don't LOSE it when they don't call, don't e-mail you or message you back then you're on the RIGHT TRACK. Be in a position where you're in control and that your heart is in your hands, not theirs. Be careful not to be a jerk to your ex, you just essentially don't want to give them too much too soon and you also don't want to come accross as eager to make yourself look good to them. They can smell when things are fishy or when you're doing something to mess with them, they know. I don't know how, but they just know. But once you actually go at this with the right attitude, who cares if they don't come back? You want to be able to accept either outcome, be happy with either one and know that if you two got back together that you'd try harder and do your part not to mess up while knowing what your ex is worth. It's a matter of choice, what will you do?

[otrebla]

I'm sorry, but in my opinion, that's not moving on.

It's just doing changes in your life for the ex, not for yourself, I was told here that being friends hoping that something will happen is not recommended, it'll hurt in the end.

It's been said that if you want your ex back, you must not want them back, and if you don't want them back, why would you want them back?

If you get back together, it's because you forgot and you have something new, not the great moments spent together in the PAST, but something new, as if you had never loved each other.

So I think the only way to go is forgetting.

Although there are exceptions.

[Mix Maxster]

Ok well I guess I interpreted it wrong as I didn't make it sound like it was moving on. It's not truly moving on as it's putting yourself into a position where you're allowing all possibilities first before moving on. This forum is to provide hope and meaning and allow people to see that there's a chance to get back together or else this forum would be called "Moving on".

 

So essentially I don't mean for it to sound like being their friend will give you hope, that's not the point. The point is to recognize that it puts you in a greater opportunity to do something and try to take control yourself. Yes if you're not prepared, or confident or quite "there" then it will be hard if your attempts fail. At the moment I want my ex back, but I'm dating other women. I haven't truly moved on, but I'm in a position where I know I can't exactly DO ANYTHING to get her back other than living my life and not being a complete @ss to her. Nothing is stopping me from dating other girls and just because I am doesn't mean I have moved on either. Does it? I don't think so, I'm trying to find the girl who is LUCKY enough to end up with me. And you can laugh all you want, but if you don't believe that then you will be submissive to people in general and you won't get very far without an ego. Sorry to be painfully blunt here, but let's face it... people like being around people that seem to know what they want and go for it.

[Noggy27]

Mixmaster...

 

That was well said mate. Though I will say to you what I have said to everyone else who brings up these great bits of advice.

 

What's the reactive solution to all this?

 

Remember that 99.9% of all of us have already done every mistake in the book. This is proactive advice you are giving here and most people dont say " Excuse me love.. before you dump me let me just quickly run upstairs and find a site that tells me how to react to this". No its already too late.. People come here looking for comfort and hope. Telling us all this now is like rubbing salt in it. WE KNOW we did the wrong thing crying, and emailing and begging etc etc.

 

What we want to know is WHAT DO WE DO NOW? If someone can give me an answer to this rather than remind me of all the mistakes I have done I will give them a medal. I have read a few posts in here with people that have said to just do NC to get emotions in control but thats all we can do really. They dont want to be our friends as we have already screwed up.

[whattheheck]

Noggy - I think what Mixmaster was saying was that if you made the mistakes of begging and pleading, then stop it now. Rather, you might want to take 3-4 weeks of NC, then maybe give your ex an email just to say hi. If she/he doesn't respond, that's fine, because you shouldn't expect your ex to respond. I have been doing about 4 weeks of NC and I may give my ex a casual email just to say hi, and hope she is doing well. She probably will not respond, but I don't expect her to. I think that if I send her an email, it will show her that I am the better person, and do not hold any grudges.

[VultureFury]

So basically be their friend and show them you could control your emotions which would show them how strong you are, that you are the bigger person, but keep it limited, make your ex want to talk to you more. just forget about gettin back with them so you wouldn get emotional around them (even if you do want to). i guess think that your arent talkin to your ex but talkin to your family member, and also socialize, dont depend on your hope that she will come back. and maybe you'll find someone better in the process. this rite?

[JohnnyTable]

Just an observation from when I started to date my ex. Her previous ex kept in contact with her. He invited us to parties, bar-b-q, shows that he was putting on, etc. I did not really know at the time that he did not want the relationship to end with her. I have a feeling that he still wanted her perhaps.

 

Anyway, she was with me. I think that him doing this just made her feel better. She did not want him back.

 

Her other exes that completely went out of the picture caused her to think about them and wonder about them, but she never contacted them either.

[fantasia2004]

what if you pushed them away? Even with the embarrassing begging, and pleading?

 

I had enough I am doing no contact I am strong with it, but weak with missing my ex.`

[JohnnyTable]

Fantasia how long has it been? It took me at least 4 weeks to even start feeling better, but I gradually am.

[BigSyke]

Indeed everything sucks, but man im telling you i went through the worst of worse. I was targeted for torture by my ex and she played the game well. Now that I have learned from the very best, my game has exceeded myself. The way i did things probably wont work for you, but its the thought process that works, everytime.

 

Next time this kinda thing happens, it will be just a scratch off, because nobody is worth stressing about and you gotta get that through your mind. Being independent is more desireable to anybody, so now im all about the $$$ and when i girl doesnt call me back, or breaks a date, no problem scratch that one off the list because im all about making money. Make yourself above of the competition and unavailible because - Most women want a man whos wanted. So yea sometimes if im working at a girl, i say im taken, then work from there, truly changes her perspective if you play it right. Dont let anything get to you either, im used to just forgetting about people nowdays because its just the same old, grass is greener thing- screw em.

 

I coulda got my ex back if i wanted to easily, i just saw the women i Now was dealing with and diverted my efforts elsewhere, and now she is walking on egg shells tryin not to anger me. She wants to be my friend, is more curious of what im doing and whats new "if i have a girl" basically. Im not a safty net, and if they see it, not hear it, then they will find that more desireable.

 

Its all mind games too, general rule, you get into a persons mind, you get the rest of the package, easily. Just play your cards your dealt and play em smart, cuz most of you now are not gonna think straight in this mind war. The Ex has every advantage to exist, now its just straight tactics, and i hope most of you apply it for other people, other than your ex. I can tell you that your passing up 10x the amount of satisfaction by waiting for the ex. I wish i could go through the process again knowing what i know now I woulda let her run without 1 word being exchanged, because now i know it was wasted tears, and her aura of std's now make sure i keep my distance. I just wish most of you could drop your ex down a few levels or 2 to about the "ohh yea i knew that person" because simplefact, i know how it feels to fall out of love and not ever talk to that person again, and being on somebodys high priority makes me keep em on the bottom of my roster. its true life people will never talk to you again, just stay strong and wash everything out of your head about them. There is nothing really you can do but use your surroundings like your ex's friends. I started hanging out with my ex's friends now she wants to hang out, Hahaha no way....i gotta go but sorry for the dumbest most pointless post ever, but i agree its too late for the advice for not begging, i just try talking to people who can pick a girl up by a snap of the fingers, cuz they will tell you how to enter their minds, that you can use for your advantage for re-initiation with the ex

[fantasia2004]

Fantasia how long has it been? It took me at least 4 weeks to even start feeling better, but I gradually am.

 

 

A month so? I believe? I am still having lingering moments but slowly surely focusing on me while trying to get it right by staying focus at all.

[Mix Maxster]

VultureFury said So basically be their friend and show them you could control your emotions which would show them how strong you are, that you are the bigger person, but keep it limited, make your ex want to talk to you more. just forget about gettin back with them so you wouldn get emotional around them (even if you do want to). i guess think that your arent talkin to your ex but talkin to your family member, and also socialize, dont depend on your hope that she will come back. and maybe you'll find someone better in the process. this rite?

 

Ya man that's pretty much it, but don't forget to add in the attitude (treat them like you don't want them back).

 

Remember everyone that these are just THINGS you should utilize to put yourself in a better position, there's no guarantee as that's why I said it's what I feel as your best shot at getting them back. It may not happen and I want everyone to recognize that, but instead of just forgetting about them and thinking "Well jeez (ex) if you had told me you wanted to get back together earlier, I would have said yes, but I moved on." it's up to you all if you wish to move on. Nothing is stopping ya, but if you still have hope and want to get back together then nothing is stopping you from living your life in the mean time. Even if you find someone better in the process, if you at least do something or try to make things better you stand a greater chance than leaving it up for "fate" to take care of.

 

There's really no sure way of anything, honestly the thing that gets me "through" it is knowing that there's no sure way of knowing anything. I mean you can't pull out a strategy and go "Here's EXACTLY HOW YOU DO IT!" it doesn't work that way, you only do the best of what you can and continue to NOT do what DOESN'T work. That's basically all you CAN do that will allow the ex to come back NATURALLY if anything. I mean the ex can say they hate you all they like, doesn't mean it will stay that way. People forgive and change their mind ALL THE TIME. That's what you gotta think that more or less "You can't trust that what a person is saying NOW is going to stay that way forever." You can go on and improve your life, make things better for yourself and if you stay in contact with your ex... act around them and be around them as if you don't want to be and as if you don't want them back, after all that right there will show NO SIGNS of desperation or clingyness. You won't fall for any games and you definitely won't fail any "tests" if you are like that. If you can actually be that way around them without having to act, then you're ahead of the game.

[Mun]

I'm a little scared here mix master.

 

When a guy wants to see me but wants to treat me like he "does not want me back" I tend to think.. ok he is being immaturee, he's playing games. Now when a guys wants to make me believe that he is seeing someone else and they might be getting serious or there's another girl.. I tend to think .. he is being immature and he is playing games.. oh.. I think I repeated myself.

 

For me the best way a guy has to win me back is by a) not talking about the past relationship--it's in the PAST. b) taking me out AGAIN and treating me well --basically making NEW memories c) being up front and honest, but don't tell me anything about other girls and don't tell me you love me... we're starting over--we're friends... we're not there yet right? let's get there slowly and give this second try the best chance possible by not jumping ahead too fast.

 

This is my opinion as a woman. I would love to hear other women's views and maybe that will help you devise a GREAT strategy. Your target is women after all

 

What do you think?

[whattheheck]

Muneca - well said about being friends first. That's why after about 4 weeks of NC, I emailed my ex gf just to say hi and also to tell her I have her Bible at my house, which she may want. I mentioned nothing about us or trying to get her back (Which I did the first 2-3 weeks after I got dumped).

 

She did not respond yet, and probably will not, but at least I'm trying to be a better man and show her that I can at least contact her without being emotional and weak.

 

Also, as MixMaster said, I do not expect her to respond, and it really doesn't bother me anymore that she will not respond.

 

As MixMaster said, I am moving on, but still kind of leaving the door open. Expect the worst, hope for the best, but do not dwell on it.

[Mix Maxster]

Meneca, EXACTLY.

 

You know human behaviour is a funny thing. To be perfectly blunt, the reason for acting this way isn't to piss off women or to come off being mature. It's to see how worth it you two are. In other words a guy isn't going to treat you like crap getting back together and he will devote himself to you when he feels he should, cheating is not on my list.

 

Once he sets himself up into a relationship he believes he can invest himself INTO, then he has no problems committing to that one relationship. Now I know it's hard to swollow that and some women will get jealous or defensive and tell their men that they can't be doing that sort of thing, but guys do it as a way of choosing their mates as well. We have to as well, we shouldn't just settle for what's there unless we know that giving up the search means we found what we were looking for.

 

And I say all of these things because people should be able to take things into their own hands and not just devote all their time to one person who hasn't quite earned their love again. Yes you two MUST go slow and that again is what this is all about, but once again you can't just JUMP back into things and your ex shouldn't expect that either. IF they're SERIOUS about getting back together, then that will happen on it's own. The guy will go for what's better, if that's low look at a lot of people... it happens ALL THE TIME.

[Heartagram]

I'vve been following this post and find it very interesting. But…how does a woman go about getting back with their ex? Do they maintain the same stoic, controlled behavior? Do they go no-contact but eventually make simple friendly phone calls even after they begged and cried after the breakup? I'm finding myself in that situation…albeit even more complicated because my ex is going through some hard times (no BS either).

 

I'm assuming the rules are the same even if you switch genders...but I still wonder if anything alters when its the girl trying to get the guy back.

[Mun]

Heartagram, If you want to look at something another woman did -- her ex bf called her just days ago.. look at this post.

 

It might help you too.

 

link removed

[sweetione]

What if your ex is dating someone else?

[MrMikeWikowski]

What if your ex is living with someone else?

 

 

[Mix Maxster]

what if your ex is married to someone........

 

it doesn't matter, if they're with someone realize THERE'S NOTHING you can do. Only chance is your only hope... the chance that at another point in time you two will be single, happen to wonder why it went wrong and will try again... otherwise they might marry someone else, could you be happy with that is a better question.

 

If they're with someone else, forgeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttt it. It isn't worth your time, if they're checking to see if hte grass is greener... let them. If they're out of whack, let em go nuts. Just see how long they do that, if it's indefinite aren't you happy you are no longer together?

 

Max

[fantasia2004]

Could have not put it better myself.

 

Mix,

you have truly mastered maturity of the situation on love. Thanks for your advice. You too Muneca and others keep going strong! =D>