ViewfromtheSea Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I've tried everything, she is unwilling to explore herself, and the anxiety in our relationship seems to be building.... I'm at a lost for what to do. I'm the only man she has ever been with, it could be that she doubts her performance or that her past history (has never been with another man is the is the issue). Help! I've always been confident in myself as a lover but now I'm a wreck... Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or, it's nothing to do with you. Does she masturbate? Can she orgasm through that? Link to comment
Autumnleaves Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Hi Is she able to orgasm when she's alone? What are her general feelings towards sex & intimacy? Could there be a deep seated issue that makes her feel guilty from gaining pleasure through all things sexual? Link to comment
ViewfromtheSea Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Hi, thanks for the responses. She is really private about sex and intimacy. It took her a while to open up to me... She does not masturbate. She bought a vibrator, but has not really used it. We have a long distance relationship so its not like there isn't plenty of opportunity for that... She has an overbearing father who was really controlling, and continues to try exert influence. He means well, but I think that may be part of it. Link to comment
charity Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 you know it seems like she really doesn't care if she orgasms or not? has she ever expressed that she feels frustrated by not climaxing.? i didn't have an orgasm till i was about 26. at that point i had slept with maybe 4 men and had never had one orgasm. i also never masturbated at that time. i would half heartedly try but always gave up fast. when i was 26 i met a new guy who seemed really experienced. again i didn't orgasm. i got really frustrated (not with him, with myself). i bought a book, took a mirror and lube into my bedroom alone DETERMINED not to come out until i knew what an orgasm was. it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with myself LOL. however it has stayed that way for the last 8 years. i have only come maybe twice with a man (fingers). they never know what to do and when i show them they don't have the patience to do it for as long as i need. OP it seems like you most certainly DO care and you are putting in the time and effort. i think your girl is the one who perhaps is not putting in the effort.and in that case there is nothing you can do. she needs to know her body, know what it needs. i applaud you for being so concerned, god know all of the men i've been with couldn't give a hoot, they just left me pleasure myself. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I've tried everything, she is unwilling to explore herself, and the anxiety in our relationship seems to be building.... I'm at a lost for what to do. I'm the only man she has ever been with, it could be that she doubts her performance or that her past history (has never been with another man is the is the issue). Help! I've always been confident in myself as a lover but now I'm a wreck... It sounds like she does not masturbate. Anxiety is also probably playing a role the best thing to do to have an orgasm is to not think about it and just relax. It honest sounds like this has nothing to do with you but her own issues. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 If she doesn't learn to relax with her body, then she will probably never have an orgasm. If she is unwilling to learn her body, then again she probably will never have an orgasm. Does she put the responsibility of her orgasm on you when you do have sex? Link to comment
ViewfromtheSea Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 No, she does not live with her dad. She has done a good job of creating distance there, it just seems like its part of the equation (past issues, conflicts.) Link to comment
Generation Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Is she insecure about anything? Her weight maybe? The way she looks? If she's insecure about her weight, let's say her love handles, don't touch there all day, or all week, especially not during sex. If she's insecure about the way she looks, wait til one day she feels good about herself ie. she has make up on and wearing something she feels good about. Create the ideal moments for her, or analyze when you think those moments are and exploit them. I'm not saying this will make her orgasm, but she'll probably be more comfortable, which is important. Also, one more thing, this is important. DO NOT talk to her about it. That'll make her feel more uncomfortable cause then she's gonna be thinking that you're thinking while you two are having sex that your goal is to make her orgasm and then she's gonna get nervous. One more thing, it's not your fault. A lot of women are like this, I've had to deal with it too so that's why I'm able to tell you this. Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 As a woman, what you wrote above would definitely pronounce my insecurities. Don't touch her love handles if she's got 'em, compliment her only when she wears makeup? Really? That just digs a deeper whole. If I were insecure about my love handles, my insecurity would be alleviated partly if he did touch them. And tell me I'm beautiful without any make-up on. Jeez! Maybe that's why some of the men here on ENA have tough times with relationships. Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 May I just point out...people of ENA.....a intra-vaginal orgasm isn't really evolutionarily necessary for conception, at least for the female. A lot of women do not orgasm from vaginal sex, but more so clitoral stimulation. Link to comment
octour Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I had a girlfriend a few years back with this same problem. She was very sexual and had no problems with her appearance or insecurities or anything. This isn't a joke or anything, but the only way (after about a year of trying) she could orgasm was thru anal sex. Have you tried that? Will she even entertain the thought? I think if you look it up on the web, you'll find that it can be a solution for some women. Do some homework first before you approach her. You don't want to bark up the wrong tree. Link to comment
chickydoodle Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I doubt that it has much to do with your ability as a Lover - unless you are trying too hard . That can be off putting. I think it is important not to communicate your stress around the issue with her, or you will feed her anxiety around it. Reveal to her you dont care if she orgasms or not ....this will alleviate the pressure on her. Its possible she's not that into sex ! Can you accept this. Would it kill the RS if she admitted this? Link to comment
RadicalDreamer Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I've had a similar problem, and yes it's frustrating. You feel as though you're responsible for breaking through whatever wall they've put up. I used to try everything I could think of, but a narrow mindset can make it difficult. Especially when they're not self-aware enough to help guide you to what turns them on, or unwilling to really think about it. For example, the woman is convinced that penetration is the only legitimate way to achieve orgasm, and so won't let her partner do anything else. Or, after some persuasion, may allow him to try, but is so tense and unwilling to let go that it doesn't work out. WhenWillILove brought up a good point, but I want to add: Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them they're beautiful or express desire, they may still suffer from self-image issues that have nothing to do with you. Most guys are sensitive enough to avoid pointing out a woman's flaws, though there are a minority of real jerks out there. And to my mind, and to that of a lot of other guys I've known, the difference between a woman with makeup, and without is subtle at best, and totally unnoticed most of the time. OP: Try not to let your frustration show, just be patient and be there for her. Try to "listen" to her body, if you can. See if you can distinguish the minute movements that show when she's really feeling it. It can be like a game of "hot and cold" sometimes, but you have to be extra attentive to find out what touches and kisses mean you're getting "warmer." Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 May I just point out...people of ENA.....a intra-vaginal orgasm isn't really evolutionarily necessary for conception, at least for the female. A lot of women do not orgasm from vaginal sex, but more so clitoral stimulation. This is so true. I think I've only had one or two orgasms in my life from purely vaginal sex and that was after a 45 minutes in a VERY specific position. Without clitoral stimulation, nothing ever happens and I've also learned that most guy just aren't that great at it. Taking matters into my own hands (no pun intended) has done wonders for my sex life. Link to comment
Generation Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 As a woman, what you wrote above would definitely pronounce my insecurities. Don't touch her love handles if she's got 'em, compliment her only when she wears makeup? Really? That just digs a deeper whole. If I were insecure about my love handles, my insecurity would be alleviated partly if he did touch them. And tell me I'm beautiful without any make-up on. Jeez! Maybe that's why some of the men here on ENA have tough times with relationships. I mean when she has make up on, she usually feels good about herself, much better than without. I'll tell a girl she looks like the most beautiful girl in the world when she just wakes up in the morning with her morning breath and her hair standing up and she'll feel really insecure despite what I said. So that's why when she has make up on, she feels good about herself, more comfortable, a more ideal time for sex. Personally, I don't really care about make up, I think it's unnecessary though I know for some women, it means a lot cause they feel way better about themselves. It's like she needs to trick herself into thinking she's attractive cause she can't see what I see. Also, my gf doesn't even have love handles, I just love grabbing there just cause it's convenient for me. But every time I put my hands there, she gets really insecure because she's insecure about her weight. I can't convince her that she's not fat. She's not fat, but she thinks she's fat. Anyhow, this one time we were having sex, I put my hands on her love handles (cause we're doing it, I wanted to hold her, has nothing to do with her weight) and she got immediately turned off. She's that insecure and that was the end of that. I don't think she's fat, I don't know why she obsesses about it. I can't change her mind. The best course of option would be to avoid touching there so she doesn't even think about it. I've told her everyday that she's beautiful and when she asks me if she's fat, I say hell no, and this is almost daily. I've done all I can, she needs to convince herself she's beautiful and not fat. To summarize my point, the best time to have sex with someone is when the person feels comfortable about themselves. That's what I'm getting at, and that's what I usually find, time and time again. Hypothetically, if a woman wanted to have sex with me when I have scruff or pimples and acne, and my breath stinks, and I forgot to put deodorant on, I'm gonna be insecure and I might not perform as well just cause I'll be thinking about those things too. I'll be thinking she's thinking I'm ugly, stinky, etc. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Does she know how you feel about this? Link to comment
cdb1204 Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 I think it's entirely possible that a man can make some women very happy, but they cannot please others. When I lost my virginity, the woman I was with said I must have known exactly what I was doing, so I assumed I was skilled and gifted in that department. I bragged about this to my next girlfriend, whose body type was a little different....and she complained to me how disappointed she was after we started sleeping together (and even cited that as the reason for the breakup). I have since been with two other women....the first woman was extremely pleased and we were very compatible. I had no problems making her climax (four times in one three-hour session). I was with another woman two weeks ago that I really liked.....and....nothing....and she won't take any of my phone calls or texts So, just because you are compatible with one woman doesn't mean you'll be compatible with all Link to comment
vix8 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 she needs to explore herself before she can orgasm. buy her a dilido, and i guarantee she will use it eventually out of curiosity. My first orgasm was with a vibrator, and i explored myself for quite a bit of time before I was able to figure out how to orgasm while having sex. The first time I did was when I was high (pot), I was able to be 100% comfortable and not care about what i looked like and the both of us were chest to chest faces over eachother shoulders, so no eye contact, so no worrying about how I look. The feelings were more intense from the pot as well. Also if she enjoyed her dildo that you may buy for her and is able to succeed with it on her own, try using it on her. Link to comment
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