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So..why does the dumper care about having ALL the power??

sandrawg

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sandrawg Enthusiast

sandrawg

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Me and my girl friend were having a girl's night out for Valentine's Day. We ended up meeting this guy, and I was telling him about my breakup. He said "don't contact your ex...otherwise, he has all the power. If someone breaks up with you, just go 'oh ok, well this is goodbye then' and calmly escort them out. Then don't contact them. Guys hate it when you're not thinking about them, and when you're asking him for answers or closure, that puts all the power in HIS hands."

 

I see his point. But why should breakups be about "power" struggles? My ex walked away from me..isn't that power enough? Is he that much of an egomaniac that he gets some kind of perverse satisfaction from knowing I'm upset and thinking of him?

 

I sent him an email Sat. at 1:30a after 2 weeks+ no contact, wanting an explanation as to why he blindsided me. I got nothing. I don't want him back..all I want are answers. I was d*mn good to him-does he disrespect me THIS much??

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The_Seeker Enthusiast

The_Seeker

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Me and my girl friend were having a girl's night out for Valentine's Day. We ended up meeting this guy, and I was telling him about my breakup. He said "don't contact your ex...otherwise, he has all the power. If someone breaks up with you, just go 'oh ok, well this is goodbye then' and calmly escort them out. Then don't contact them. Guys hate it when you're not thinking about them, and when you're asking him for answers or closure, that puts all the power in HIS hands."

 

He's right. He must be from ENA.

 

I see his point. But why should breakups be about "power" struggles? My ex walked away from me..isn't that power enough? Is he that much of an egomaniac that he gets some kind of perverse satisfaction from knowing I'm upset and thinking of him?

 

It has nothing to do with power struggle. It's about healing yourself before dating someone else.

 

I sent him an email Sat. at 1:30a after 2 weeks+ no contact, wanting an explanation as to why he blindsided me. I got nothing. I don't want him back..all I want are answers. I was d*mn good to him-does he disrespect me THIS much??

 

Let it go.

 

Don't ever send an email after you break up with someone.

 

The answer is right in front of you. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.

 

Period.

 

Move on.

 

Forward.

 

Find a new guy.

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alwaysmoving Apprentice

alwaysmoving

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I don't think there is such thing as closure. Nobody wants to tell a person why they don't want to be with them, so the truth rarely comes out. When it does, it causes the dumpee even more pain or misunderstanding. I recently just had to tell a guy I had only known for 9 days that I only liked him as a friend (we had gone on dates and kissed but I didn't feel attraction) and he kept wanting to know why. He kept demanding to know so he could have "closure" so I just said it - "I'm not attracted to you in that way." He was extremely upset and defensive and told me he thinks I'm too awkward at kissing so the attraction problem is my fault, not his. Just silliness.

 

Your ex broke up with, or blindsided you, for a reason. It might be that he met someone else or something about you as a person that he doesn't like, or it's something that has everything to do with himself and not you at all. You'll never really know because he mostly likely doesn't want to tell you because it'll hurt more. Just accept it and move on.

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sandrawg Enthusiast

sandrawg

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I was wondering that myself..if he'd ever been on ENA but I doubt it. He's the casual sex/swinger type..not the "dissect a lost relationship" type lol

 

He made it sound like it was all about power.

 

He's right. He must be from ENA.

 

 

 

It has nothing to do with power struggle. It's about healing yourself before dating someone else.

 

 

 

.

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BlueEagle Newbie

BlueEagle

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".... Guys hate it when you're not thinking about them ... "

 

I don't think this is reserved for only guys; I think girls can be guilty of this, too. Rather, this is more of a universal trait of someone having the control -- the final verdict -- on what will happen to protect themselves from feeling the pain and guilt of dumping their partner.

 

But why should breakups be about "power" struggles? My ex walked away from me..isn't that power enough?

 

Nobody wants to feel the heartbreak and pain of being dumped so they dump you first and they feel better when you think about them and even contact them. It's an ego boost (for men or women) because they have options: stand firm on their decision, toy with you, or reconcile. I'm not condoning or excusing it whatsoever because I know exactly how it feels to be hurt like this, but rather I think that might be, subtly, what they are thinking, or at least unconsciously. In many ways it's a defense mechanism.

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doiiiieeezie Contributor

doiiiieeezie

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A good friend of mine always tells me : The person who cares the least has the most power. Thus the reasoning behind your male counterpart and his belief. Not every situation is the same and you have to take it for what it is, but my question to you really is why would you email the ex when he hasn't given you any friendly indication?

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The_Seeker Enthusiast

The_Seeker

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A good friend of mine always tells me : The person who cares the least has the most power. Thus the reasoning behind your male counterpart and his belief. Not every situation is the same and you have to take it for what it is, but my question to you really is why would you email the ex when he hasn't given you any friendly indication?

 

hahahha that's totally from the ghost of girlfriends past

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sandrawg Enthusiast

sandrawg

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If you mean "friendly indication" as "being friends"..he wanted to be friends when we broke up. I said most definitely NO. I told him to get out of my life...then proceeded to block him every way possible. I'm not like others on here who keep holding out hope I can get him back. I don't WANT him back. I simply want answers as to what went wrong and why he dumped me when, just not even 2 wks beforehand he was making me think he was in love with me.

 

A good friend of mine always tells me : The person who cares the least has the most power. Thus the reasoning behind your male counterpart and his belief. Not every situation is the same and you have to take it for what it is, but my question to you really is why would you email the ex when he hasn't given you any friendly indication?
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The_Seeker Enthusiast

The_Seeker

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Oh! Ahahaha! Well, he may have been one of those, but he still had good advice. Yeah..he was seriously hitting on both me and my friend, until I brought up my ex, lol

 

Then he just focused on her, which was FINE with me.

 

Yeah cuz he figured once he tried to get you laid, you'll be "Oh I CAN'T DO THIS! HOW COULD THAT JERK DO TO ME!" Then he goes "Aw crap."

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Mike88 Contributor

Mike88

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Hun, he's a PUA.

 

I don't think you need to be a pick-up artist to know basic psychology. IT SUCKS that were wired to behave this way, but we do without realizing it. Doing what he said is the best thing you could do, but its our hearts fighting with what we know that pushes us to do the opposite.

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The_Seeker Enthusiast

The_Seeker

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I don't think you need to be a pick-up artist to know basic psychology. IT SUCKS that were wired to behave this way, but we do without realizing it. Doing what he said is the best thing you could do, but its our hearts fighting with what we know that pushes us to do the opposite.

 

No, I don't mean that.

 

I knew he was PUA already before she mentioned he was hitting on her friend right after she mentioned about the ex.

 

LOL I'm not talking about the basic psychology crap.

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learning2relax Contributor

learning2relax

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I don't think that they CARE about having the power, it is just the nature of where each person is after a breakup. The one that breaks up is resolved to be separate and the one that was broken up with, wants what they can't have. The perception is that the dumper has the power. And given the dynamic, they do.

 

Everyone likes to be needed and wanted. When you show them that you are fine with it, the desire they thought you had for them causes them to question if they perceived things incorrectly. Maybe you didn't desire them as much as they thought. Something that gave them comfort and strength in walking away.

 

When we chase, beg, etc... we further the perception that they desire us and they have no fear that you are not desirous of their attention.

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rapunzel Collaborator

rapunzel

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I agree with learning2relax. The best way for a dumpee (for lack of a better term) who is suffering in the wake of a break up to regain some of that lost power is to disappear and let the dumper really feel that complete absence. The longer, the better. When a dumpee contacts the dumper a few weeks later and demands answers, the dumpee is essentially placing him or herself at the dumper's feet, and inviting more rejection. Maybe some do want to hear the real answer, which is usually something along the lines of: "I'm not attracted to you anymore" or "I think I can do better: younger, prettier, taller, smarter, bustier". Instead of that, we usually hear excuses like: "I'm just not in a place where I want to have a serious relationship" or "I need some space to figure out some stuff in my life" or that great standby "There's something missing" (I heard that little chestnut). I also heard "the intimacy is overwhelming me and I'm unable to grapple with other issues in my life". Oh....really?

 

I've recommended this book many times on this forum as it is a great read on the power dynamic in relationships, and I'll continue to recommend it:

 

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