So..why does the dumper care about having ALL the power??

[rapunzel]

I can tell you one thing, for sure. If someone ever dumps me again, I'm going to take that guy's advice. I'll just say "Oh, so that's how you feel then? Ok, goodbye", with no emotion, and show them the door. Then block them and NO CONTACT. EVER.

 

Now you're talking. Even better, if you (meaning "one") had any warning that the break up might be coming, you felt him pulling away but you ignored it and then the "talk" comes, you calmly listen without interrupting. You allow some silence when he is done speaking. He has just told you he doesn't want to be with you anymore, possibly with a series of vague statements about needing space and time to figure out some things in his life, he's "very confused" but he still "wants to be friends". (You have been ignoring some of the red flags that had popped up in the last few days or weeks.) Inwardly your heart is pounding and you cannot believe that this is actually happening, and you feel like you are in shock. This is it: you are being DUMPED.

 

After he has said his peace, you have listened without interrupting. You are now letting some silence envelop you both, so that you have some time to regain your composure and not saying anything you may later regret. He doesn't expect this and asks what you are thinking. You let a few more moments of silence go by. You can even leave the room if you need to (but it's best if you don't). And now, here is real dumpee power in action (said calmly and matter-of-factly): "You know, I've been thinking the same thing. Although I care about you very much, I do feel that it is best that we take some time apart. I think you're a great guy but I'm not quite sure if this is the right relationship for me either. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts." And then you might even give him a hug or a quick kiss and then you calmly walk out the door. Or if he has at your place, you calmly open the door and ask him to leave.

 

You just evened out the scales and blindsided the dumper, who expected a crying, emotional basket case. You have already regained some of the power back. When you are alone you can turn into that complete basket case but you did not let him see it. Agreeing with the break up is one way to retain your dignity, your own sense of personal power and yes, can have the extra added effect of making your value increase in the eyes of the dumper.

[learning2relax]

The best thing that you can say when your SO breaks up with you is "I understand." Then just walk away. As hard as it is, that is the very very best that you can do and you might even leave them wondering immediately. I would even suggest stating this when if they start to verbally express doubts or concerns about the relationship. Say "I understand" then make yourself scarce. Feels like games but if you want them to get out of their heads and the over analyzing that may be taking place, this is the best that you can do for them to shift the analyzing to wondering if they were completely off base - no guarantees but again, best you can do given the circumstances. Unfortunately, it is opposite to human nature and what your natural reaction may be. Kind of reverse psychology.

 

In the end, it is either going to work or it won't. And even if you don't want to face that they might not be the best match for you, it is very possible that they are not. No matter how strongly you feel to the contrary. And.....with age, either they are going to push past their fears of being vulnerable and being hurt or they won't. It is simply giving them an opportunity to either step up or step off if you can control yourself and set yourself up for the best case scenario to figure this out. The begging and pleading just causes them to get defensive about their position and their concerns. They don't feel heard when we challenge and question - their natural reaction would be to defend. It is all about human nature in the end.

 

And if they step off, go take care of yourself, heal, get over it, allow yourself time to move past it and accept it. In the end, you are opening yourself up to a future of even better possibilities and someone better suited for you in the long run. Learn from this relationship and go forward with a better understanding of your boundaries and desires in a SO.

 

Tough lessons to learn......you think you learn them all in your teens and 20's but it is amazing how much you are still learning as you grow older and face these circumstances in life. The good news is, you can still learn and improve. It would be sad if you reached the end of that road altogether.

[thelastsong]

This is more or less what I did. I just said, "Okay," and, "I understand." That's it. (He was actually the one sobbing.) I let him hang up, and I didn't contact him until a month later, to ask for his new address to send him his things. I think I did a pretty good job presenting myself to him as calm and unaffected even though I was falling apart inside. The only exception is when we saw each other again for the first time since the break up, several months later, and he just kept talking to me even though I was ignoring him and finally said, "I consider you a friend," at which point I lost my temper. "Good for you," I practically spat at him, and I stormed away, which of course caused him to run after me apologizing.

 

That being said, I am glad I didn't beg or cry or do anything like that. If nothing else, I was able to walk away with my head held high. I don't know if this ever bruised his ego even a little (doubt it), but I think I kept at least a tiny scrap of dignity.

[learning2relax]

Nicely done!

[rapunzel]

Yes, this is even better! I don't care what anyone says, relationships are a game, hey LIFE is a game. When a break up occurs, then the games really begin. This is a great tactic for self preservation when the other person is expressing doubts or is breaking up with you: "I understand". Perfect, and then disappear. I like it!

 

I definitely did not learn this in my earlier life, and struggled with low self-esteem but I am (at the ripe old age of 50) finally getting the hang of it. ;-) Age does have one benefit: greater understanding of human nature, and that you can and WILL survive even the most painful break up.

 

Self-preservation is the bottom line, and self-respect. If you don't take care of numero uno (yourself), no one else will.