is a romantic dinner a good idea for 14/02 if she dumped me?

[Carus]

Mes* ~ How about an update...?

 

8-)

[mesmerized]

an update... what can I say. I'm like a ghost. Doing nothing and trying to find a way to end this... which is not easy... apparently one can't get what one needs...

[Carus]

...apparently one can't get what one needs...

Thats because ending your life is not the way home and pretty much noone will support you in that*

 

Just breathe man, take some time and heal from your wounds....

 

The greatest warriors are seared with scars*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

I appreciate your concern, I do. Yet, I know for a fact that this battle can't be won like the previous ones. This time it's different. Why? Because I just feel that in my guts. I know I don't want to try again with anybody else. Firstly, one could say that I'll have a hard time finding another girl. I am who I am and even though I'm not bad-looking I don't have what it takes... I'm not a superhero who goes to clubs and fools around. Secondly, throughout my entire life I've met only 2 or 3 truly reasonable girls and only ONE of them was attractive and attracted to me. That tells you a lot.

 

I used to believe in a world where it'd be enough to be yourself. Such world doesn't exist. It's just a game and you're lucky if you can play it well enough. If not, you're out... I have lost the best what life had to offer. Why? Because I couldn't react properly when asked to. Because I was dumb enough to ruin everything. I will never stop hating myself for that. Every single second of my life has been purposeless. And I have tried so many times for the last six years to get better, to make things right. Where am I now? In the same damn place. Pills didn't help. If they had helped I woudn't have been where I am now... I had one shot and I blew it. She was my only chance. When she appeared in my life EVERYTHING changed but I coudn't appreciate it. Again. Just like many times before in my life. I can't see the world without her. Not because there are no other women but because there's only one Anna.

 

No, I'm not gonna end my life tomorrow, nor the day after tomorrow, but I'm not gonna stay here for a long time... because I don't have a chance to win that girl back. And every single though about her is so prescious and so deadly. I love her but she won't give me a chance and maybe that's a good thing. At least I have a chance to finally admit that I'm not worth being in a relationship with somebody who gives you their trust.

 

PS. I'm moving out, it's not gonna change anything but still. I've asked for a different schedule so I won't see here so often but still at least 3 days a week. I don't know if I should go NC or not but I guess it doesn't really matter... does it?