Did Your Dad Cry At Your Wedding? If so, What Did You Do?

[penguin22]

My dad is overly emotional, almost to the extreme. I am his baby girl (24 years old) and I am getting married in 10 days on February 19th. My dad is really old fashioned and he still believes that the man should be the bread winner and that I should be able to stay home and take care of children when and if we choose to have children. My fiancee and I have been together for 2.5 years and are madly in love. We're both happy and my fiancee has been through alot with me and my family. He was there when my dad was evicted, he was there when my brother almost overdosed, he was there when my brother was in jail... He's very understanding and although I make more than he does at the moment, he is working towards his guard card so he can get a better job. He was in the military but he was general discharged so he lost all of his benefits... I am graduating with my BA in Child Development and with him, formal schooling is not for him... he'd much rather go to a trade school. My fiancee and I are living paycheck to paycheck but we're still living quite comfortably. Once his guard card goes through, as his partner in life, I will support him in finding a new job. However, my dilemma at the moment, is my dad doesn't seem supportive... mainly because we're still getting our life together but we're doing it together... Everytime I bring up the wedding, he sounds hesitant on the phone or he changes the subject. I tried asking him what was wrong, and he keeps telling me that he's afraid that my fiancee doesnt have a good enough job to take care of me... I keep telling him that we're working together on remedying the situation, and to me it seems like it isn't good enough for him. On another note, when my brother got married, my brother moved on with his life and stopped calling my dad everyday or even once a week... and his wife doesn't call my dad, dad, which to my dad is very disrespectful... I think my dad also has the fear that this will also happen with my fiancee, even though I keep telling my dad that it isn't going to be the same. I am afraid that at my wedding, my dad will cry way to much and that will cause me to cry alot which will probably ruin the pictures since I am just as sensitive and emotional like my dad. However, since my dad is 74 years old, I want him to be there at my wedding and to be able to dance with me.. I don't wanna put it off til my fiancee and I get our financial situation more stable because what if my dad isn't here anymore once that does happen...because I know that my fiancee is the one I do want to spend my life with. Oh and if you haven't noticed, I also worry ALOT. Please post your opinions, I am open to it.

[FathomFear]

Well, he's 74, so it's not terribly shocking that he might be old-fashioned in some ways. I have family members like that too. The key in dealing with them is to just remind yourself that times have changed. While you can certainly respect their opinions, there's no need to get yourself bent out of shape over them. Ultimately this is your life. If he brings it up again I would politely but calmly let your father know that you don't need anyone who is going to "take care of you". Stress that you're an adult who wants to contribute to the relationship just as much as your husband, and while that might not have been the approach with marriage in his generation, times have indeed changed.

 

As far as the whole crying thing--don't worry about it. People cry all the time at weddings. They actually can make pictures more charming because it shows how emotional the day was. I don't think it's worth worrying about.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with FF about the crying. I was just married this past October and while I don't talk to my dad, my uncle walked me down the aisle and is my father figure in life. I never once had the urge to cry all morning while getting ready until I was finished and my uncle walked in the room and said, "You look beautiful." And I cried. On your wedding day worrying about the pictures is the LAST thing on your mind. The only other times I cried on my wedding day were about half way down the aisle when my husband started crying which set ME off and when my uncle and his wife were giving their speeches at our reception. It's an emotional day, people will cry!

[penguin22]

I agree with FF about the crying. I was just married this past October and while I don't talk to my dad, my uncle walked me down the aisle and is my father figure in life. I never once had the urge to cry all morning while getting ready until I was finished and my uncle walked in the room and said, "You look beautiful." And I cried. On your wedding day worrying about the pictures is the LAST thing on your mind. The only other times I cried on my wedding day were about half way down the aisle when my husband started crying which set ME off and when my uncle and his wife were giving their speeches at our reception. It's an emotional day, people will cry!

 

Thanks for the advice OG, I know you're a popular poster here on ENA. My dad's approval is important to me, but my fiancee and my future are important to me... because I keep telling myself that I wont be married to my dad, and he wont be there for me in the way that my fiancee will be. I am soo confused.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks for the advice OG, I know you're a popular poster here on ENA. My dad's approval is important to me, but my fiancee and my future are important to me... because I keep telling myself that I wont be married to my dad, and he wont be there for me in the way that my fiancee will be. I am soo confused.

 

At the end of the day you have to do whats best for you. You won't hold hte same views as your father and as you said, your father isn't marrying him.

[midnightdeirdre]

In answer to your title question, OP: I haven't been married, but at my 10th birthday party, my father cried. His face was all flushed red, (like he was fighting back tears) and he kept taking pictures of me like every 2 seconds. Before the party he even half-jokingly said sadly, "Youre not a baby anymore..." But I guess he really was sad. Poor guy!

 

 

 

As for everything else you mentioned in the OP, I'd say FathomFear says it perfectly here. *thumbs up* Good luck & congrats!

[Circe]

Your dad is a fair bit older which changes things a little ... perhaps.. but in general I think you should not take on the responsibility of worrying abou how your marrying (a natural enough step for a daughter to take when she grows up and meets someone she loves and wants to commit forever to) will impact his life because of his fears about your partner. He needs to work on those fears for himself. Sure, reassure him if you think it's possible to or necessary - but don't take on the emotional stress of it all. Believe me its a parent's job to work on the fears they have about their child when it involves something as natural as moving on. The job thing is a natural enough fear for a father to have - but he's communicated the concern to you - you've decided it's no deal breaker - so now he has to work on dealing with his fear.

 

You havent asked for this - but - they do say financial issues are a big cause of relationships failing. While I don't think you should be stressed just because your dad is stressed - I do think it's an issue you should give full thought to. But if you have.. then .. don't worry for your dad.

 

With the calling him dad and ringing him on the phone stuff - I had a similar thing with my MIL. But - I can't call someone I hardly know "mom" - well I could but it makes me uncomfortable. So she deals with that. She initially complained to my husband about it but was met with such an angry silent stare in return - she dropped it and I assume she's dealing with it best she can. I may eventually start calling her "mom" but - that kind of thing takes a lot of time with me. Point is - it's her problem, not mine, not my husbands. He was right in making it clear to her that this was HER problem - not a "fault" or "problem" of mine or our marriage. And I kind of think you should be the same (in that you shouldn't require your fiance to act a certain way around your dad or call him dad if he's not comfortable with it (provided he's reasonable about the whole thing)- although you havent really said anything to suggest he wouldnt be.

 

I don't think he'll cry so much it ruins the photos My dad did cry - he cried during his surprisingly awesome, funny, loving speech. Literally made my jaw drop and stay dropped as we are not close.