Girlfriend getting weird about sex after 4 good months...

[loveninja]

I am a 28 year old male and My girlfriend is 22. We have been dating since October. Sex has never been a problem between us and she always seemed to be pretty into it. I know that in her past relationship her boyfriend was emotionally abusive and even became physically abusive towards the end. Recently she has been acting strange and I have been questioning her to see if everything is okay. She would just tell me that it's an issue with her and wouldn't discuss it any further. We have still been having sex but recently she has been turning it down and saying that she just hasn't been in that mood lately. Today I was talking to her and she told me that I have a sex drive that is similarly large as her abusive ex-boyfriend. She said that every night she knew it was coming even when she didn't want. She went on to say that she knows that i'm not like this because i do not pursue it when she doesn't want to. She said that the experience with her ex-boyfriend has led her to let guys basically rape her because that's what she knows. So now she is saying she doesn't know if she is ready to be with someone even though she seemed very into me originally, both emotionally and physically. I told her that I have gone long periods of time without sex before and that I can deal with it so we can work out her issues. She is important to me and i do not want to ruin the good relationship we have started over something like this. We are planning on getting together tonight to talk about it further. I am a very understanding and caring person and i only want the best for her. Does anybody have any advice for me in this situation? Ways to work through the situation perhaps? I feel pretty confident about my ability to handle this situation in the best way for both of us but I also would appreciate any advice or comments you guys could provide. It is fairly likely that I am over-looking something or seeing things differently because i am so involved in the situation. An outside opinion could really help me. Thanks!

[Fudgie]

I think you are very kind to her to be willing to work through this issues with her. You are in no way obligated to do so and I think that most people would just cut their losses (and I can't blame them) but it's touching that you are willing to stick it out with her and see what happens. I think that in becoming more involved emotionally with you over time, this is bringing up old issues from the past and whatnot.

 

I think she really could benefit from talking to a professional, as well as you. I see a therapist (for other reasons, with my family, not with my relationship) but often discuss a lot of it with my boyfriend and it helps a lot. He is very helpful.

 

I would just be supportive. Ask her some questions about what happened, how it made her feel. I think it's important to stress the present, not the past, and how she is a strong woman who can move on from what happened. So many people have bad relationships but can move on to find healthy, satisfying love.

[Gracelove]

There is really nothing you can do, dealing with such things are difficult. Especially if the first person you've slept with did bad things to you. I don't know, life isn't perfect. I've been reading the forums lately, and it seems that this is an issue.

 

It's wonderful that you want to know what to do. She's just hurting right now, and she's confused. Hang in there as long as you can..all you can do is try your best.

 

You can't fix things for her. All you can do is be supportive.

 

Sometimes when a woman has been raped, especially multiple times, she wants to rebel, because it's not pleasant when someone forces themselves on you. It feels like you have no voice, or no choice what-so-ever. It's the worse feeling...knowing that you can't defend yourself in those times. So when you get similar feelings you feel the urge to fight back, or push away.

 

She's obviously stronger now, because she's managed to get away from her ex. She probably never wants to be in a situation like that again. Therefore when something reminds her of it, she wants to run away, because that's a horrible place to be.

 

All you can do, is be yourself, and hopefully she'll open her eyes and give you a chance. I think she's afraid to give too much of her power to you.

 

It's difficult to control feelings, she just feels very uncomfortable right now. Hopefully she'll find a way to feel better so that the two of you can have a successful relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think most people would cut their losses, but not all would be as sensitive as you are being. Just listen. Listen and listen and listen. Let her approach you sexually. Keep your relationship flirty and fun. Be a good friend but not a doormat. Wish you the best.

[figur]

Something I think those that have a higher sex drive need to keep in mind is that it really, really helps when you don't approach your partner sexually every day. Yes, they may understand that they can turn you down occasionally without a problem, but it's sometimes nice to just not even have to think about it. Not because they shouldn't care about your needs, but if you're otherwise bringing it up fairly often, it turns into some mental grudge (at least it did for me in a particular relationship). Like, oh, here it is again, he's gonna ask, and I know I'm gonna say no and I wish I didn't even have to think about this right now.

 

But I find that to be a good rule of thumb when one just needs to tone it down a bit. In your case, your girlfriend does have some issues she may need to work out with a therapist, at least to just get her mind straight. For now, just focus on doing other things together, like going to shows or restaurants, and enjoy focusing on getting to know each other in other ways.