Should I break NC for "closure"?

[sandrawg]

See my story here:

 

 

 

Very passionate guy, younger than me, pursued me for 3 months. Tells me he's falling in love with me on NYE. 3 weeks later, dumps me saying "the feelings aren't there."

 

We unfortunately have a few mutual friends in common, INCLUDING MY HOUSEMATE. (I met him thru my housemate.)

 

Housemate went out to dinner with my ex last night to give him back the stuff my ex left at our house.

 

I specifically did NOT ask my housemate about the dinner. Housemate comes to me saying, "so..my conversation with (your ex).."

 

I tried to stop him and said "I don't think I want to hear this."

 

He said, "No, you do." He obviously thought it would make me feel better-he knows how hurt I've been feeling. He tells me my ex says "I can't be responsible for someone else's feelings right now." (whatever that means) Says he needs to be single, not to play the field, but to get his life in order. He lives with his parents, and hates his job.

 

Housemate says ex acknowledges how amazing, etc. I am. But also needs to work thru his feelings from his rel'ship prior to ours (the girl treated him like cr*p.)

 

I don't know if this is all a crock cuz my ex knows it'll get back to me, thru my housemate. I don't know if all of this means, he DID have feelings for me and didn't know where his hesitation was coming from...I don't know if it even matters, since I'm determined to move on.

 

I just have a hard time living with the confusion of wondering, did he lie to me..what were his true feelings...why was I led on...I feel a need for closure, but maybe that's pointless because he seems so freakin' confused.

 

What do you all think? Should I maintain NC?

 

I've been considering asking him to meet me for coffee or something, so I can get the final truth about everthing. Certainly NOT to try to get back together. I'm not interested-he's too messed up.

 

Trying to stick to NC is complicated by the fact that he's going to be around at some point-I can't avoid him forever. We have mutual friends.

[abitbroken]

I would stick to NC. The relationship did not last very long and he told you why it ended - he just wasn't feeling it. He did not just up and disappear. I think that you shouldn't worry about "him being around at some point." I am sure he will keep his distance for now, and you control who you invite over. And your housemate will be sensitive in not inviting the guy over. In time, as weeks and months pass, you will heal and feel that you have moved on, so if you do run into him it will be no big deal. I would do my best to start hanging out with other friends that don't know him, too, to balance things out.

 

Also, if someone contacted me because of something I confided in a friend - not them - that would be awkward.

 

Also, what do you want to gain? You have the reason/closure on why it ended (it only lasted very briefly!), and you now need to get closure with yourself is all. The words that he wasn't ready for a relationship don't need to be repeated to your face.

[sandrawg]

Good points..

 

BTW I should clarify, we've known each other for 6 months but only been in a committed rel'ship for 3.

[sandrawg]

Maybe if I look really deeply into my motivations for potentially meeting up with him, maybe there is a part of me that's wondering if we could ever try again. If he doesn't feel anything for me, then of course, no..it could never happen. But him saying "I'm not feelign it" simply doesn't square with his actions throughout the last 3 months. He acted like he really loved me, and used the L word.

 

If it really IS about him just getting his life together, then, although I wouldn't sit around waiting for him, I would possibly keep the door open for a reconciliation at some point.

 

If I look deep into my motives, that's what I see. Maybe it's nuts. I'm just trying to process it all and sort things out, as I'm sure he is too, on some level.

[RadicalDreamer]

I would only break it if you're ABSOLUTELY SURE this is real closure, and not just something false that will set you back. I would advise you to look at it carefully. Instead of just seeing what he has to say and then improvising, ask yourself "What can he say that would give me closure?"

 

If there are realistic things he could say to give that to you, maybe it would be worth hearing him out. If you can't think of any possible thing he could say that would make you feel "it's over" then maybe it's because there isn't anything he CAN say. And maybe that means that closure is going to have to come from within, and it's probably best for you to stick to NC.

[abitbroken]

he said he wasn't feeling things. He told your friend that he is not happy with his life, wants to move out, get straightened out and concentrate on that. Who knows what he will be like when that transformation comes. If you try to contact him now and try to hang on, you will only be miserable. He is not emotionally available for a relationship right now. And you can't do the "try again" thing really unless you go your separate ways for awhile and not just a week or two, because absolutely nothing has changed. If someone is not feeling it, they are not feeling it. They may think you are pretty - but they are not that person who can be in a relationship and it is not a challenge that if you are patient enough, amazing enough, this will work out. Be thankful for his honesty instead of stringing you along.

[sandrawg]

Good point. And I'm still so confused/wiffly-waffly about whether my motives are to see if there's any hope. Even if he says there is hope, it would make no sense for me to wait around. So..what is the point.

 

I would only break it if you're ABSOLUTELY SURE this is real closure, and not just something false that will set you back. I would advise you to look at it carefully. Instead of just seeing what he has to say and then improvising, ask yourself "What can he say that would give me closure?"

 

If there are realistic things he could say to give that to you, maybe it would be worth hearing him out. If you can't think of any possible thing he could say that would make you feel "it's over" then maybe it's because there isn't anything he CAN say. And maybe that means that closure is going to have to come from within, and it's probably best for you to stick to NC.

[sandrawg]

How is him saying "I'm not feeling it" being honest? When for 3 months, he did very loving things, and told me multiple times he was falling in love with me?

 

If that wasn't true, then he DID string me along..for 3 months.

 

Either he wasn't honest during the relationship, or he wasn't honest in breaking up with me. There's no way you can lose love for someone in 3 weeks, esp in the absence of any bad thing happened. Nothing bad happened. We were getting along great, and making future plans.

 

But yes..I see your point about...let's say he DID get his life in order..get a good job. Move out of his parents. Then he may want something totally different than what I had to offer him. It has nothing to do with looks, being pretty, etc. We had a deep intellectual connection and would talk for hours every day. We had more than just a physical thing. If he can find what we had again, great...more power to him. But finding someone you have the intellectual, physical, AND you get along with as well as we did..is difficult.

[pl3asehelp]

Maybe if I look really deeply into my motivations for potentially meeting up with him, maybe there is a part of me that's wondering if we could ever try again. If he doesn't feel anything for me, then of course, no..it could never happen. But him saying "I'm not feelign it" simply doesn't square with his actions throughout the last 3 months. He acted like he really loved me, and used the L word.

 

If it really IS about him just getting his life together, then, although I wouldn't sit around waiting for him, I would possibly keep the door open for a reconciliation at some point.

 

If I look deep into my motives, that's what I see. Maybe it's nuts. I'm just trying to process it all and sort things out, as I'm sure he is too, on some level.

 

Really deeply? No offense, but it's right on the surface. You don't need him for closure - that's something you decide for yourself. It's like you said - you're just still holding out hope.

[sandrawg]

You're right. And if that's the case, my only hope is still to maintain NC. I just GAVE someone this same advice. If you want hope, you gotta maintain NC. If it doesn't work out NC is still the way to go, so you can heal.

 

Really deeply? No offense, but it's right on the surface. You don't need him for closure - that's something you decide for yourself. It's like you said - you're just still holding out hope.

[abitbroken]

He might have really thought you were great and smart and nice and pretty. But you can't always go by how attracted you are to someone. If you can't hack it at having a relationship and devote time to that person because you feel messed up, then breaking it off is something fairly mature to do.

[sandrawg]

Has this happened to you before, abitbroken?

 

He might have really thought you were great and smart and nice and pretty. But you can't always go by how attracted you are to someone. If you can't hack it at having a relationship and devote time to that person because you feel messed up, then breaking it off is something fairly mature to do.

[mahipahl]

Your closure is them leaving you. The reasons why will not make you feel better. Focus on tomorrow not yesterday, you will find someone who wants to be with you, that's your future so look forward to it.

[Learning2LetGo]

I wouldn't break NC for closure. My boyfriend broke up with me 11 weeks ago and there has been NC since he broke up via text and phone. After a week I thought I needed closure and that he should at least apologize for being quite cruel that night. We work at the same company (I seriously don't recommend dating someone at work) and four weeks after the break-up he finally told a friend we have in common at work that the friend didn't see him so often because we were no longer seeing each other, that it was all his (the boyfriend's) fault and that I was really a wonderful lady. It upset me because of course on the night we broke up it seemed that I had done nothing right during our 9 months together. I figure that it is a relationship and we both contributed to the end of it. I then cried at work which is really not a good thing to do. He couldn't speak to me; he had to tell our friend who he probably figured would talk to me and tell me what he said.

 

It really bothered me because I didn't know if he was sincere, playing games (he had done that throughout the relationship especially in the beginning) or looking for attention. I did want closure and thought about contacting him after that but then I started wondering if I would know if he was truly sincere or not and I didn't want to get into another argument with him. I figured I would take what he told the friend as the closest thing I would ever get to closure and try to begin healing and moving on. I have been lurking on this site (it has truly helped me) and I have read posts from others suggesting that you create your own closure and I agree with that advice.

[sandrawg]

Good point. Even if our exes tell us what we may want to hear, we may wonder if they're just being patronizing. My ex gave me mixed messages at times. the fact that he could use the L word, then 3 weeks later tell me "the feelings weren' t there" honestly makes it hard for me to trust ANYTHING he might say.

[playstheblues]

I don't think you should break NC because I don't think he's going to be able to give you any closure. There will always be a reason to break NC if you want to create one. I'm not a strict nC advocate but seems to be you need some time to accept and heal.

 

3 months isn't a particularly long time- I know it doesn't impact on how hurt you are feeling but sometimes it might take 3 months to work out if you like someone and want to continue with the relationship. I don't necessarily think that means he was being dishonest during the relationship, more he probably wasn't sure. Sometimes it's hard to hear things and then accept them I.e. him saying he wasn't feeling it. Instead we grasp into every other thing- don't worry - its completely normal. Hell I'm still doing this six months after my breakup.

 

I don't think he will give you closure- if he's unsure about his life, maybe he is confused and isn't able to. Maybe going NC will make him miss you, by whatever the case, I don't think talking to him will help you heal - I wish it would! I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible.

[sandrawg]

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I am doing ok. I miss him terribly, but I know I'll be okay. {hugs}

[playstheblues]

Missing them is the hardest part! Wish I had an idea how to stoP missing and longing myself! I'm still a mess 6 months on but you seem like you have it reasonably together!

[sandrawg]

Heh, my housemate (who is also good friends w my ex) says the same thing, but I dunno. I think I'm just hiding and masking a lot because..really, what's the use of moping around. My friends are sympathetic but they're gonna start staying away from me if I'm down all the time. So, put on a happy face, distract distract etc. I've been thru so many breakups at this point, I know the drill. Sigh.

 

Missing them is the hardest part! Wish I had an idea how to stoP missing and longing myself! I'm still a mess 6 months on but you seem like you have it reasonably together!

[sandrawg]

BTW, I found a good article about "closure" and what it means..how to have a good "closure" meeting...

 

link removed

 

I personally have decided I can't really do a "closure" meeting because I'm not 100% sure I'm done with him. Sounds like you really need to get to that point, before you can have "closure."

 

And I've seen people who've gone thru other breakups, use "closure" as an excuse to see their ex, or have their ex contact them so they can get back on that merrygoround again. That is not for me.

[Learning2LetGo]

That article is good, I had hoped for that type of meeting at one time. In my situation I feel too much time has passed to have a meeting (maybe because I am going through an anger phase) and if an ex were to contact me years later like in the article I can't imagine agreeing to meet. Hopefully I will get past these feelings.

 

I agree, don't have a closure meeting unless you are really ready for the relationship to be over.

 

BTW, I found a good article about "closure" and what it means..how to have a good "closure" meeting...

 

 

 

I personally have decided I can't really do a "closure" meeting because I'm not 100% sure I'm done with him. Sounds like you really need to get to that point, before you can have "closure."

 

And I've seen people who've gone thru other breakups, use "closure" as an excuse to see their ex, or have their ex contact them so they can get back on that merrygoround again. That is not for me.

[sandrawg]

Yeah..I accidentally came accross an email I got in April of last year. It was from an ex I broke up with in 2007. He was freakin' HORRIBLE to me. I mean, verbally abusive, played mind games, tried to hook up w other women behind my back. He sent me this email that I somehow missed til now, asking if we could go out for coffee.

 

I totally ignored it. I would never give that guy the satisfaction of a "closure" meeting.

[Learning2LetGo]

Depending on the how the break-up occurred, the length of the relationship, how you were treated during the relationship and if you weren't close friends before becoming a couple a closure meeting may not necessarily help.